Text Text Text . No Date

[Redpilled]

On 9/29/2021 at 6:44 PM, Calmandfocused said:

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date.

A lot of men are fantasists and enjoy 'the chase' and or the idea of meeting more than actually forming a relationship. This problem exists in other areas, not just dating. Women do the same for different reasons. I would say that in my opinion, no high quality man would be on bumble in the first place, but you might have criteria different to the majority of women.  

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, Redpilled said:

A lot of men are fantasists and enjoy 'the chase' and or the idea of meeting more than actually forming a relationship. This problem exists in other areas, not just dating. Women do the same for different reasons. I would say that in my opinion, no high quality man would be on bumble in the first place, but you might have criteria different to the majority of women.  

I don't think there's much in the quality on any dating site.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

It got worse! I did get a date for Friday night and you know what? He cancelled me when I was on my way to the date. Some nonsense about his bother’s fiancé’s sister being ill. 

Sorry this happened. Generally excess texting and stalled meeting is a universal red flag. In this case it could have been his wife who got ill.

So whatever apps you're on, limit texting, meet in a timely fashion, avoid excess distance. Start with those parameters the take it from there.

[Redpilled]

20 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I don't think there's much in the quality on any dating site.

Well I haven't been single for over 10 years but back in the day, match.com generally had high quality profiles and I developed a high quality relationship from there. eHarmony seemed quite serious although I never had any matches on it. I have no idea what those sites are like today. 

[smackie9]

6 minutes ago, Redpilled said:

Well I haven't been single for over 10 years but back in the day, match.com generally had high quality profiles and I developed a high quality relationship from there. eHarmony seemed quite serious although I never had any matches on it. I have no idea what those sites are like today. 

Sorry but things have changed. The sites are a cesspool of weirdos, people with mental health issues, predators, attention getters, penpals, hookers, scam artists, catfishing, flakes, etc. Oh and bots/fake profiles on paid sites. Some purposely put on there by the actual company themselves to keep the paying clientele.

Edited October 4, 2021 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Redpilled said:

A lot of men are fantasists and enjoy 'the chase' and or the idea of meeting more than actually forming a relationship. 

Did you mean to post men like the idea of meeting more than actually meeting?  

Reason I ask is because reading this thread as well as other threads on this and other forums, it's a common problem among both men and women.

People have become so comfortable in their own isolation.  And lazy.

They seek connections with others but prefer to do so within the comfort of their own homes behind a computer screen versus showering, dressing, driving and meeting in person wherein the fantasy of the person they envisioned on line rarely matches REAL life anyway.

Which is one reason why I no longer do "on line" which includes both apps and other on line mediums.

Calm, I am glad you've decided to "step up to the plate" and become proactive.  If you don't weed out the texters from those men who truly wish to meet you in person in short order, it's very easy to get swept up and into the idealization, fantasy, safety and comfort of connecting on line and forming attachments without, as others have pointed out, truly knowing who it is you're even talking to.

 

 

Edited October 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Redpilled]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Did you mean to post men like the idea of meeting more than actually meeting?  

 

Think of it like this, there's a difference between the mindset of the man in present time who is trying to arrange a meeting and the mindset of future man who will go through with the meeting.

• Present man is characterised by ample available time - possibly even boredom, sense of reward whilst pursuing the female and ability to lie with immunity. The date he asks to meet is some abstract concept at present. 
• When the date nears then he is future man, suddenly the opportunity cost of the available date is apparent, he might have work stress, might want to watch sport, have been invited to a film with friends etc. He has already gained some validation because you accepted the meeting but if he goes through with it then he'll be confronted with the reality that he used an old photo, added 4 noticeable inches to his height that won't be there and has added 4 inches to his waist that will be there. It becomes far less stressful to cancel the meet and resume life as present man arranging the next date that he'll also cancel.

A lot of men just like the chase and men don't have a biological clock ticking. In fact our sexual market value is increasing for most our lives so there's rarely any sense of urgency. 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Redpilled said:

Think of it like this, there's a difference between the mindset of the man in present time who is trying to arrange a meeting and the mindset of future man who will go through with the meeting.

• Present man is characterised by ample available time - possibly even boredom, sense of reward whilst pursuing the female and ability to lie with immunity. The date he asks to meet is some abstract concept at present. 
• When the date nears then he is future man, suddenly the opportunity cost of the available date is apparent, he might have work stress, might want to watch sport, have been invited to a film with friends etc. He has already gained some validation because you accepted the meeting but if he goes through with it then he'll be confronted with the reality that he used an old photo, added 4 noticeable inches to his height that won't be there and has added 4 inches to his waist that will be there. It becomes far less stressful to cancel the meet and resume life as present man arranging the next date that he'll also cancel.

A lot of men just like the chase and men don't have a biological clock ticking. In fact our sexual market value is increasing for most our lives so there's rarely any sense of urgency. 

Thank you for posting that, it was quite insightful.  The second bullet point was especially enlightening and might explain why people (men) flake so often before the actual meet. 

Makes sense.

Edited October 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, Redpilled said:

A lot of men just like the chase and men don't have a biological clock ticking. In fact our sexual market value is increasing for most our lives so there's rarely any sense of urgency. 

There is truth to this^ as well, while women's SMV decreases with age.  Sad reality for women.

[Redpilled]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is truth to this^ as well, while women's SMV decreases with age.  Sad reality for women.

Well I don't have an enormous amount of sympathy for women in that respect as a result of my experiences at a younger age when their SMV was peaking and mine was not yet there. However, there's still a happy balance to be found. Most men are going to increase their income until at least their mid-50s but then you really have to ask yourself, do I want to try and play football with my 10-year old son when i'm 65? Even if we go less extreme, if i have my first child age 45 then am I really likely to ever hold my great-grandchildren? Not every man will place a value on those things but you might be pleasantly surprised how many do.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

However you’ve all convinced me. I’m going to take the “bull by the horns” approach, ask them out on a date and if they say anything but yes, I won’t waste anymore time (or texts). 

Yes absolutely we are modern women. It is fine to ask.  For me it is not so much about asking but setting a boundary.

‘I’ll  message on the app for a week while I go about my life but if he has not asked after a week, I tell them I am open to meeting up for coffee or a date if they are interested and have the time.  If not that is fine too.  Then I stop responding until a meet is offered.  There is no point in endless messaging.

[ramen234]

On 9/29/2021 at 1:44 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

I’m currently doing online dating- Bumble. So far lots of matches, chats etc, no issues there.

However I’m getting very frustrated with it. 

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

What a waste of time! 

Can anyone help me understand why someone who professes they want to date just actually wants to text? Why? What is the point of this exactly? 
 

Thank you 

Did. you try setting up a date and offer to pay?   Maybe just meeting for coffee would be better.  Men do not have money to waste..

[Trail Blazer]

On 10/5/2021 at 3:28 AM, Calmandfocused said:

@Trail Blazer

There was a thread on here a while back about how independent, successful women are lower value on the dating market. Add into the mix that I have two children and my value probably lowers even more. Maybe I’m not considered a serious dating prospect for these reasons. 

An independent, successful woman who is seen by default as low-value by a man is inherently a low-value man, in my opinion.  Guys who feel threatened by a woman who's intelligent and successful are guys you want to avoid.

Now, I'm not going to say that I'd enjoy being in a relationship with a woman who constantly wants to outdo me.  Obviously for a relationship to work, the two parties need to be able to compliment each other as opposed to clashing heads competing with one-another.

For the guys that you're most probably looking for, they wouldn't see you as a threat.  It's probably more a case of there simply just not being many good guys who are on these dating apps.

For all the criticism that dating apps attract, I do recall seeing a quote somewhere once which said; "There are good guys on dating apps, but they're just not on there for long."

That might seem harsh, but I do think that good (probaby translates to high-quality) guys get snapped up quickly, if they are looking for a relationship, that is.  The same cannot be said for women, in my opinion, because I think too many women hold off for too few men.

It's right for you to hold off for a decent guy.  However, you might also be waiting a while.  So, one way to speed that process up is to not waste time and ask him out if you think he's got some potential.  It won't backfire nearly as often as it does for guys.

 

[chillii]

l would say it's very often as l've said through the forum 100 times , nothing to do with threatened. Very successful women often just lack in other areas. l've grown up around a lot of highly educated and successful women whom l still know many of through family to this day, 50s now. Most of them have had strings of relationships that never work out or divorces thick and fast and the whys were always very predictable and obvious to me or most guys.

That's not to say all, but most guys will recognize the good ones and steer clear of the rest.

Edited October 6, 2021 by chillii

[stillafool]

On 10/4/2021 at 5:12 PM, poppyfields said:

There is truth to this^ as well, while women's SMV decreases with age.  Sad reality for women.

As much as we hate to admit it -  it's true.  When my Mom died I was floored by the number of women 50 and up who starting chasing my 70 year old Dad.  He's was very fit and handsome for his age.

Edited October 6, 2021 by stillafool

[Calmandfocused]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

l would say it's very often as l've said through the forum 100 times , nothing to do with threatened. Very successful women often just lack in other areas. l've grown up around a lot of highly educated and successful women whom l still know many of through family to this day, 50s now. Most of them have had strings of relationships that never work out or divorces thick and fast and the whys were always very predictable and obvious to me or most guys.

That's not to say all, but most guys will recognize the good ones and steer clear of the rest.

Hi chilli. I’m interested: what “other areas” were they lacking in? 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

As much as we hate to admit it -  it's true.  When my Mom died I was floored by the number of women 50 and up who starting chasing my 70 year old Dad.  He's was very fit and handsome for his age.

I know, my dad too!  Like your dad he was fit and handsome until the day he died in early 70's (tragic accident may he RIP).

I mean ladies (50-60+) literally throwing themselves at him, I was shocked even though nothing much shocks me, but that did.  And he even had a new ladyfriend (who eventually became my stepmom) but didn't matter.

Ladies would call him, invite him for dinner, and once at an event, women were literally all over him, blatantly flirting, touching, I was actually embarrassed for them!   

But yeah it just goes to prove, men's SMV will always be high no matter how old they are.

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

W

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ladies would call him, invite him for dinner, and once at an event, women were literally all over him, blatantly flirting, touching, I was actually embarrassed for them! 

I know, they had no shame.  What was most surprising was my Mother's single girlfriends were the first ones who came after him.  I had to come home from CA for the funeral and I tell you I didn't have to cook a meal the whole time I was there.  Women were bringing casseroles, cakes, pies, fried chicken over and asking to see Daddy.  He ended up marrying a woman 15 years younger who I like a lot.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi chilli. I’m interested: what “other areas” were they lacking in? 

Did you ever watch the series "Judging Amy"?  Ran 6 seasons from the late 90s-early 2000s, but I had never seen it but just finished watching it on youtube.

Amy was a successful juvenile court judge but the series focused A LOT on all her many dysfunctional failed relationships.  She even left one man standing at the alter!  And got into another relationship soon thereafter (that ended eventually as well).

I am not saying this applies to all very successful accomplished women, and certainly non-successful women have plenty of dysfunctional relationships too, but this "Amy" person (I did NOT like her at all), was one of the most self-centered, entitled, and flat out demanding bytchy women I have ever seen, on screen or off.

One man with whom she was interested had not been "chasing" her hard enough and she actually got angry at him and said "do you know who I am?   I am NOT used to having men NOT want to date me"!

Anyway, she was just a character on a show, but I wonder how true it is in the real world too.

Her mom on the other hand (a social worker struggling financially) was an absolutely GEM of a person.  Tyne Daly.  I adored her!  She was still strong and fiercely independent, but not at all entitled and self-absorbed like her daughter.  The opposite actually.

In fact, she had a RL and eventually became engaged to an extremely wealthy businessman and SHE insisted on a prenup because she did not want him to think she wanted his money, and she didn't!!  

Just a gem of a woman and human being.  In fact, it was she that actually inspired me to drop out of law school and seek an education in the mental health field helping others which I am currently doing.

Television and movies can be quite powerful that way sometimes!

EDIT:  I wanted to add that Amy was a compassionate judge but when it came to men and relationships, not so much.

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Crazelnut]

Many men are intimidated by a woman who doesn't need to rely on them. I saw a bit of this when I started dating after my LH died. However, the ones that did pursue me were much more to my liking anyway -- secure, confident, and generally more intelligent. In short, don't worry about who doesn't find you attractive. Who needs an insecure, small-minded man?

[Calmandfocused]

23 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Did you ever watch the series "Judging Amy"?  Ran 6 seasons from the late 90s-early 2000s, but I had never seen it but just finished watching it on youtube.

Amy was a successful juvenile court judge but the series focused A LOT on all her many dysfunctional failed relationships.  She even left one man standing at the alter!  And got into another relationship soon thereafter (that ended eventually as well).

I am not saying this applies to all very successful accomplished women, and certainly non-successful women have plenty of dysfunctional relationships too, but this "Amy" person (I did NOT like her at all), was one of the most self-centered, entitled, and flat out demanding bytchy women I have ever seen, on screen or off.

One man with whom she was interested had not been "chasing" her hard enough and she actually got angry at him and said "do you know who I am?   I am NOT used to having men NOT want to date me"!

Anyway, she was just a character on a show, but I wonder how true it is in the real world too.

Her mom on the other hand (a social worker struggling financially) was an absolutely GEM of a person.  Tyne Daly.  I adored her!  She was still strong and fiercely independent, but not at all entitled and self-absorbed like her daughter.  The opposite actually.

In fact, she had a RL and eventually became engaged to an extremely wealthy businessman and SHE insisted on a prenup because she did not want him to think she wanted his money, and she didn't!!  

Just a gem of a woman and human being.  In fact, it was she that actually inspired me to drop out of law school and seek an education in the mental health field helping others which I am currently doing.

Television and movies can be quite powerful that way sometimes!

EDIT:  I wanted to add that Amy was a compassionate judge but when it came to men and relationships, not so much.

 

Hi Poppy

I get your point completely but that’s not me at all. Not that these guys would know that. They don’t know me. They just like to text me .

I always treat people kindly and respectfully and I certainly don’t feel entitled. 

So you think I’m onto something? That men might be put off by my job/ success/ independence? Personally I couldn’t give a monkeys what a guy does for a living as long as he can financially support himself but I’m conscious that flexibility may not apply the other way round. 

I did consider “downplaying” my job title to experiment whether I’d get taken more seriously as a dating prospect but that seems dishonest and I’m not that either. 

 

[dramafreezone]

On 9/29/2021 at 10:44 AM, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

I’m currently doing online dating- Bumble. So far lots of matches, chats etc, no issues there.

However I’m getting very frustrated with it. 

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

What a waste of time! 

Can anyone help me understand why someone who professes they want to date just actually wants to text? Why? What is the point of this exactly? 
 

Thank you 

You could cut the irony with a knife....

This is a common complaint from men with regard to OLD.

The issue is probably one of two things, either they have lots of options, or they're just attention seeking.  Probably not the latter.

Whenever I've been in a spot to have multiple options (like 4 or more), it became harder to make a decision as to how to spend a limited amount of time.  Mind you I've never dated 4 women at a time but it is a bit of an ego trip when you think you can, not gonna lie.  And no one wants to just give away options, so people get strung along.  It's not right but it's common.

Edited October 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

....

So you think I’m onto something? That men might be put off by my job/ success/ independence? Personally I couldn’t give a monkeys what a guy does for a living as long as he can financially support himself but I’m conscious that flexibility may not apply the other way round. 

I did consider “downplaying” my job title to experiment whether I’d get taken more seriously as a dating prospect but that seems dishonest and I’m not that either. 

 

A guy here, and can say yes there are men who are put off by successful women, and plenty who are not.  Question is do you have a preference? 

Also why would you want to hide your success to attract a man who is put off by success?  It will only cause issues later.  Guess it depends on what you are after.  In my expereince such men don't come around, as being put off is some fundamental emotional thing not rational thought, they have no problems regaling you with all the reasons successful women are not feminine, demanding, ad nauseum.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I did consider “downplaying” my job title to experiment whether I’d get taken more seriously as a dating prospect but that seems dishonest and I’m not that either. 

 

Why would you even consider downplaying your success to get a man?  The right man for you will be proud of your success. Wait for that one.

[dramafreezone]

@Calmandfocused what do you want in a man?