Classicfiction Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 33 minutes ago, max3732 said: What's funny is most of the 1st messages I get are just "hi" or some kind of gif. Very few women put any effort into their opening message and I end up initiating everything beyond the opening message. I just invited a woman to meet after exchanging a few messages over a couple days. Hopefully she'll appreciate I'm not doing endless texting. I think at the heart of things, women want to feel desired and do want the man to show initiative. Of course there's going to be exceptions. @max3732, do you want women to persue more than they do? 1
max3732 Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 5 hours ago, Classicfiction said: I think at the heart of things, women want to feel desired and do want the man to show initiative. Of course there's going to be exceptions. @max3732, do you want women to persue more than they do? No, I'm fine purusing. Just on Bumble since she is sending the 1st message anyway it would be nice if she put some effort into the 1st message. Like saying something about my bio or pics that she liked or talking about a common interest. That's what I always do in my first messages. 1
chillii Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Oh I didnt know bumble is like that. I haven't tried that app. Yeah I wouldnt want to have to initiate. They may not be beta per say but maybe like the ease of women just offering themselves to them. Oh God , so now men on this app are now beta types , whatever tf that lable is , givme a break. So that'd make the women on there desperadoes then and the types that have to do all the work. lf women are suppose to do the initiating on the app, sounds like many a mans dream come true. Sit on their arse and pick and choose, doesn't make them anything , or maybe it makes them smarter than most. They aren't taking it any further bc they aren't interested in taking it any further op. Now l know around here that usually means there's something wrong with the guy when he isn't interested, he has issues and it's all his fault, he's the devil himself, obviously but ahhh, then there's reality. Edited October 1, 2021 by chillii 1
basil67 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Oh I didnt know bumble is like that. I haven't tried that app. Yeah I wouldnt want to have to initiate. They may not be beta per say but maybe like the ease of women just offering themselves to them. Women don't "offer themselves" on Bumble. Rather, after a whole lot of ignoring the profiles they aren't interested in, they will make contact with someone who piques their interest and see if it's worth meeting. It's hardly a done deal for the guy. Edited October 1, 2021 by basil67 3
chillii Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Or some guarantee that he'll be all just automatically interested back.
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 1 hour ago, chillii said: Oh God , so now men on this app are now beta types , whatever tf that lable is , givme a break. So that'd make the women on there desperadoes then and the types that have to do all the work. lf women are suppose to do the initiating on the app, sounds like many a mans dream come true. Sit on their arse and pick and choose, doesn't make them anything , or maybe it makes them smarter than most. They aren't taking it any further bc they aren't interested in taking it any further op. Now l know around here that usually means there's something wrong with the guy when he isn't interested, he has issues and it's all his fault, he's the devil himself, obviously but ahhh, then there's reality. This post made me chuckle, thanks Chilli. Yes I get that the guys are not interested in taking it any further. But I still don’t understand this: If you’re not interested in dating me why do you want to text me? What is the point ?????
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 There’s still a proportion of the dating community that just want pen pals is there? 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: There’s still a proportion of the dating community that just want pen pals is there? Is that what you want? If not, cut to the chase and suggest coffee rather than texting endlessly. Why waste your time in holding patterns? Why be on everyone's back burner? Take charge and set up coffee meets. 1
glows Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 34 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: There’s still a proportion of the dating community that just want pen pals is there? It's probably very easy to be frustrated like this. People are on those dating apps for various reasons, not always clear cut or for similar reasons. The texting just separates the texters from the people of action so that's fine by me. No harm done.
poppyfields Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: But I still don’t understand this: If you’re not interested in dating me why do you want to text me? What is the point ????? Maybe ask yourself that question because you are also "texting, texting, texting" without indicating any interest in meeting and dating them. Right? It's so easy to simply say "it's been fun chatting, you free for coffee or a drink on Friday (or whatever day), let's meet!" If they come up with excuses and/or if not free that day and don't offer another day, stop texting and responding to their texts. An explanation isn't necessary. Just stop texting. Men arent stupid, they'll know why. I don't think that's doing "all the work" they might be expecting that since Bumble is where women initially initiate? If he agrees and you meet and start dating, talk about how you each like to date, 50/50 or the man does all the leading? Not a heavy convo, more a 'getting to know your style' convo. This is really very easy, not sure why you're making it so complicated Calm.. Passively waiting for him to show interest first isnt getting you anywhere except becoming frustrated. Not good for obvious reasons. Give him a window, a green light! If you're uncomfortable with that, then perhaps a different app is in order? One wherein men typically do more of the initiating and leading? Anyway, good luck whatever happens! Edited October 1, 2021 by poppyfields 6
Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: There’s still a proportion of the dating community that just want pen pals is there? Who knows why he’s doing it? Does it matter? Maybe he’s multi-dating and wants to keep you as an option if his current prospects don’t pan out. Maybe he’s just bored and texting you fills the time. Maybe he has social anxiety and is afraid you’ll reject him if he asks you out. If you’re not okay with it stop texting him. If you want to go on a date, ask him out. 2
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Maybe ask yourself that question because you are also "texting, texting, texting" without indicating any interest in meeting and dating them. Right? It's so easy to simply say "it's been fun chatting, you free for coffee or a drink on Friday (or whatever day), let's meet!" If they come up with excuses and/or if not free that day and don't offer another day, stop texting and responding to their texts. An explanation isn't necessary. Just stop texting. Men arent stupid, they'll know why. I don't think that's doing "all the work" they might be expecting that since Bumble is where women initially initiate? If he agrees and you meet and start dating, talk about how you each like to date, 50/50 or the man does all the leading? Not a heavy convo, more a 'getting to know your style' convo. This is really very easy, not sure why you're making it so complicated Calm.. Passively waiting for him to show interest first isnt getting you anywhere except becoming frustrated. Not good for obvious reasons. Give him a window, a green light! If you're uncomfortable with that, try a different app where men do more of the initiating and leading. Anyway, good luck whatever happens! I think you raise some valid points Poppy. One in particular is my mind set. I have never in my 42 years ever initiated a romantic interest in a man. I respond, I flirt, I reciprocate, but I never initiate. They have always made the first move so to speak. I think that’s why I have never said “let’s meet”. I “hint” at it but then it falls flat. For example I hinted to one of my “texters” and his response was “oh so you like to meet early on do you?” And then proceeded to ask me questions about my personality but the subject of the date was dropped. You’ve got me thinking that Bumble is not the right platform for me and the way I operate. Either change me or change the platform right? … I think I’ll change the platform. I want a man whose more proactive and who has initiative. These are important qualities to me. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Modern men have to walk a tightrope. Too laid back & they are labeled beta / not masculine enough. Assertive & they are called toxic, practically rapists who only want one thing from a woman. On top of that every woman draws those lines somewhere different. I think the line about not liking texting & wanting to meet is excellent. It shows interest. It moves this interaction in the direction you want to go but it's fairly subtle. If you want something I think you need to put it out there. I genuinely think many men are clueless, especially those you find on line. So help the guy out. Don't be shy about suggesting a place. Besides with on-line if you pick a "go to" place & become a regular you can have the staff looking out for you a bit more if the date is trouble. Get your head out of 1950s & start thinking pro-actively about safety. Also if you pick the place you are guaranteed something will be on the menu that you like, it's acessible, there is parking & it's in a good neighborhood. All in all you win. If you are a modern woman who believes in equality, that needs to be across the board. Stop being shy about asking for what you want -- a face to face meet. If he drops the ball after that & doesn't plan once you give him a green light, next. The last guy who didn't pick up the hint was fairly worthless & you know that. You tried. He bombed. His loss. Next. I'd much rather that than you sitting on your hands dithering about what he's doing. 4 1
Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 42 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: I want a man whose more proactive and who has initiative. These are important qualities to me. Maybe those are important qualities to these men too? 4
poppyfields Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: I think that’s why I have never said “let’s meet”. I “hint” at it but then it falls flat. For example I hinted to one of my “texters” and his response was “oh so you like to meet early on do you? You know what Calm? His response was snarky as hell, I would not have even responded to that. And am curious how you did respond. No need to explain, stop texting with him, automatic next. My suggestion is, given your style preferring that men initiate and lead, continue hinting/giving a green light. I used to want same so not judging you for it at all. If/when you encounter resistance, or worse, sarcasm/snark like this guy did, immediate next. EDIT: I still cant believe his snark response. What I would have wanted to say in response is "what's up your arse?" lol but I'm too polite for that so would have ignored and nexted. Edited October 1, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Classicfiction Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 17 hours ago, basil67 said: Women don't "offer themselves" on Bumble. Rather, after a whole lot of ignoring the profiles they aren't interested in, they will make contact with someone who piques their interest and see if it's worth meeting. It's hardly a done deal for the guy. Thats a fair point. I have no idea what that site is like as I said.
Classicfiction Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 19 hours ago, chillii said: Oh God , so now men on this app are now beta types , whatever tf that lable is , givme a break. So that'd make the women on there desperadoes then and the types that have to do all the work. lf women are suppose to do the initiating on the app, sounds like many a mans dream come true. Sit on their arse and pick and choose, doesn't make them anything , or maybe it makes them smarter than most. They aren't taking it any further bc they aren't interested in taking it any further op. Now l know around here that usually means there's something wrong with the guy when he isn't interested, he has issues and it's all his fault, he's the devil himself, obviously but ahhh, then there's reality. I didn't say they were betas. That was a response to another post. But yeah I'd say there are some smart guys on those apps for sure. From my experience, a guy agreeing to go on a date and even a second and third date doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in a relationship. Some of yall enjoy the conquest as a sport it seems. That doesn't necessarily make you evil but the OLD culture does play to short attention spans.
Trail Blazer Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 Why don't they ask? It could be many reasons. They could be chumps. They could just be on there for attention seeking. However, the most probable reason is that they're holding out for someone who they perceive to be "better" (unicorn). A lot of guys will swipe like crazy because it's a numbers game, and they'll weed out who they don't want to talk with once they match. They like the rush they get from the "buzz buzz" but don't necessarily care if it's for someone they actually like. I personally only swiped right on people I thought I'd be interested in dating. Having said that, though, my minimum standard for dating and my "wishlist" (you know, the 10s) had some margin. I guess if I was talking to a 6 and a long came a 9 or 10, perhaps I'd be more inclined to talk to the 9/10 more. I know that what I'm saying sounds super shallow, but (most) men only care about attractiveness when it comes to OLD. However, he'll keep his "safe options" hanging on while he'll scout the field. He'll hedge his bets as long as he can, holding out for the green light from that hottie. Now, @Calmandfocused I have no idea what you look like or where you sit on the subjective looks spectrum. I'll hazard a guess, based on some of your previous posts, that at the very least, you're seen as quite attractive to the average male. So, what I've posted above may or may not be applicable - but it's definitely one perspective to take into consideration. What I will say is that of all the dating apps I used, Bumble was the one which, by far, yielded the most dates. And, what's more, it was more often than not, the women asking me out - and they didn't waste much time doing so, either. I'm not saying this to bignote myself at all, but I'm saying it because, from my experience it felt like the women on Bumble knew what they want and were very forthcoming and open in what they want. The gorgeous lady in my avatar asked me out on her third message, and we went for drinks that evening. My suggestion would be to try and work out quickly if the guy is a keeper and ask him out first. It will very quickly cut through the BS and he'll be faced with a choice; go for a date, or prove that he's a time-waster. If he says no, so be it, but the chances are if he turns you down five minutes after you match, he'll also sit there for weeks and be your pen pal. 5
stillafool Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 On 10/1/2021 at 3:17 AM, Calmandfocused said: Yes I get that the guys are not interested in taking it any further. But I still don’t understand this: If you’re not interested in dating me why do you want to text me? What is the point ????? Maybe just to talk to a female. Dating is expensive and maybe they don't want to invest any money until they are sure she's someone they are interested in. So they message many women until they get the best they can get and then they ask to meet.
chillii Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) Back in the day , she might've turned out to be quite nice and you still enjoyed talking with her even you also discovered you just weren't interested romantically. l mean you were there to meet someone but if you racked up a friend or two along the way is that so bad. Seems though that's some kinda cardinal sin. Edited October 4, 2021 by chillii
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 (edited) On 10/1/2021 at 10:23 AM, Calmandfocused said: I have never said “let’s meet”. I “hint” at it but then it falls flat. Change your mindset to "text, text, set up meet". If you play victim of men who don't do things how they're supposed to in rom-coms, you'll have an uphill climb. You're completely in control of arranging a meeting or discontinuing texting. Try to avoid burnout. Edited October 4, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 Thanks everyone for your responses. It got worse! I did get a date for Friday night and you know what? He cancelled me when I was on my way to the date. Some nonsense about his bother’s fiancé’s sister being ill. I wasn’t impressed but all was not lost as I went out and enjoyed myself with friends instead. To be honest I’m just feeling disillusioned with the whole dating scene/ process at the moment. I feel like there’s a lot just out to play silly games and that’s the last thing I want. 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 @Trail Blazer Thanks for writing all of that. I don’t think my attractiveness level is the issue. People including women tell me I’m very attractive all the time, and whilst I don’t think I’m perfect, I don’t think I’m doing too badly for my age (42) There was a thread on here a while back about how independent, successful women are lower value on the dating market. Add into the mix that I have two children and my value probably lowers even more. Maybe I’m not considered a serious dating prospect for these reasons. Who knows?
Author Calmandfocused Posted October 4, 2021 Author Posted October 4, 2021 However you’ve all convinced me. I’m going to take the “bull by the horns” approach, ask them out on a date and if they say anything but yes, I won’t waste anymore time (or texts). 4
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2021 Posted October 4, 2021 Back in the day (over 30 years ago) I asked men out on dates and had np with it. All was positive. Being a woman you still make the decision in the end if you want to pursue it any further. No guy thought I was easy or took advantage. I was still in full control. It's not as bad as you think. To a lot of guys, it's a breath of fresh air. I kept the dates simple, like a lunch, coffee, or happy hour.
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