Text Text Text . No Date

[Calmandfocused]

Hi all 

I’m currently doing online dating- Bumble. So far lots of matches, chats etc, no issues there.

However I’m getting very frustrated with it. 

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

What a waste of time! 

Can anyone help me understand why someone who professes they want to date just actually wants to text? Why? What is the point of this exactly? 
 

Thank you 

[tokidoki]

they don't have the balls to ask.  It's a dating app, you should ask for a date within a few hours of matching IMO.

Edited September 29, 2021 by verygoodlistener

[Amanda92]

Some of them are there only for attention because they are bored. Some of them have no idea what to do - some girls want to text for weeks, some expect a date after several messages.

Just communicate what you expect. "I would like to know you better, but I am not a texter. Let me know if you would like to meet."

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

Sorry this is happening. It's nonsense of course.

All you can do is after a few messages suggest meeting for coffee, and if they stall, then move forward not responding to more nonsense.

Not meeting in a timely fashion is a red flag. Who knows? Catfish? In a relationship? Overbooking and attempting to stay on the radar?

[IntBrowser]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

I’m currently doing online dating- Bumble. So far lots of matches, chats etc, no issues there.

However I’m getting very frustrated with it. 

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

What a waste of time! 

Can anyone help me understand why someone who professes they want to date just actually wants to text? Why? What is the point of this exactly? 
 

Thank you 

probably fake profile,  teens, or disabled

[Happy Lemming]

Another strike for on-line dating...

[Alfano]

Don't go on for weeks.

I don't think I ever went back and forth with a prospective dating partner for more than a handful of times over a 1 week period before getting it to the phone and then scheduling that first meetup. It's a meetup, not a date because usually there's no spark, and too often there's downright deception on the part of the person who you have the misfortune of sitting across the table from... I could tell you stories.. either way as an experienced savvy retired online dater, I learned to never spend too much time getting to know a person online, and making that first meeting very brief- you can always extend it if there's a connection but conversely you don't want to be spending an hour making small talk with a person who is 20 years older and 50 lbs fatter than you expected.

 

Also know that there are a lot of bitter and frustrated people on this forum, mostly guys who have failed at dating and blame "the system" or the "dating sites" when the real problem is staring back at them in the mirror. I can tell you from my personal experience that online dating is an excellent way to meet people but like any other tool, you gotta know how to use it properly.

 

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Alfano

[glows]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I get very bored, and hence move on. 

This is ok too. Get a feel of whether someone is there for chat buddies or for dating within a few messages. Something I've noticed is those who usually avoid meeting or aren't sure about dating in general will ask a lot of personal questions from the get-go before having met in person at all. There are gentlemen (and ladies also presumably) who will be upfront and introduce themselves appropriately, then propose a date. They are far fewer than the chat buddy.

[Alfano]

If I was online dating now, I'd insist on a brief video chat before going to the trouble of meeting and I'd do this no later than around the third interaction.

There are very few good excuses why a person can't do a video chat, and if they're just playing games or they're being deceptive it will suddenly get very obvious when they balk at the request.

 

[d0nnivain]

I think many men be scared to mention the 1st meet for fear that the woman will think he's dangerous because he hasn't established enough of a foundation for her to trust him. 

If you really want to meet, you bring it up.  Invite him for coffee or a drink but assume if you do the inviting, then you do the paying.  

[max3732]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi all 

I’m currently doing online dating- Bumble. So far lots of matches, chats etc, no issues there.

However I’m getting very frustrated with it. 

I’m gobsmacked at how many men want to text text text, morning, noon and night and yet appear to have no interest in going on an actual date. This goes on for weeks sometimes …in which case I get very bored, and hence move on. 

What a waste of time! 

Can anyone help me understand why someone who professes they want to date just actually wants to text? Why? What is the point of this exactly? 
 

Thank you 

As a guy on Bumble I guess the question is how soon is too soon to ask to go on a date. Sometimes I've asked after only a few messages and the woman ummatched or complained it was too soon. Also something I like to get to know basic info to see if we're compatible.

Weeks and weeks is too much though. These days I'm leaning towards asking earlier rather than later. Still it's tricky to know when the time is right. Rather than just move on maybe say something about being on the app to go on dates or something to that effect.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow very interesting thread. 

OP, how old are you? I wonder if you've run into a generation thing-- all the texting and texting. 

Edited September 30, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wow very interesting thread. 

OP, how old are you? I wonder if you've run into a generation thing-- all the texting and texting. 

LGO

 I’m 42, the age range of the men I’m talking to are between 38 -45. 

[chillii]

Personally l wouldn't think it's a fear thing at all , butttt who knows. As a guy and interested though and online and looking, you'd expect to have ask and want to meet. l'd think it's more a case of a lot of people online are just fishing around , probably married or something.

Although back in the day l had women do that same thing yet also complain about not getting any dates. l started suspecting they might actually be too scared to follow through sooooo, maybe vise verse too, doubt that's it though.

Edited September 30, 2021 by chillii

[Classicfiction]

6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

LGO

 I’m 42, the age range of the men I’m talking to are between 38 -45. 

Hi OP,  maybe expand your age range to include some older men?  I bet you'd get asked out more frequently.

[d0nnivain]

Especially because Bumble is the app where women have to make the 1st move, I doubt you will find  super aggressive types there.  So if you want to meet, set it up @Calmandfocused  If you are unwilling to make that move, try a different app but then you will have different complaints about guys who want to meet 5 minutes after talking to you.  

[smackie9]

I thought with Bumble the woman is supposed to be the initiator. It wouldn't surprise me that it's mostly inexperienced, beta men purposely on there because they have no confidence...expect women to ask them out.

Edited September 30, 2021 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

So these guys are old enough to not be obsessed with texting. I think the previous advice is excellent. 

[Classicfiction]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I thought with Bumble the woman is supposed to be the initiator. It wouldn't surprise me that it's mostly inexperienced, beta men purposely on there because they have no confidence...expect women to ask them out.

Oh I didnt know bumble is like that.  I haven't tried that app.  Yeah I wouldnt want to have to initiate.  They may not be beta per say but maybe like the ease of women just offering themselves to them.

[max3732]

36 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

Oh I didnt know bumble is like that.  I haven't tried that app.  Yeah I wouldnt want to have to initiate.  They may not be beta per say but maybe like the ease of women just offering themselves to them.

What's funny is most of the 1st messages I get are just "hi" or some kind of gif. Very few women put any effort into their opening message and I end up initiating everything beyond the opening message.

I just invited a woman to meet after exchanging a few messages over a couple days. Hopefully she'll appreciate I'm not doing endless texting.

[Calmandfocused]

22 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

Some of them are there only for attention because they are bored. Some of them have no idea what to do - some girls want to text for weeks, some expect a date after several messages.

Just communicate what you expect. "I would like to know you better, but I am not a texter. Let me know if you would like to meet."

I like this Amanda I will try this. 
 

Although if I’m honest part of me thinks that if he’s not asking me on a date he’s not really serious about dating so why should I bother making the first move. Apparently 80% of online daters are guys, why can’t they just be more proactive when the odds are already against you. 

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I thought with Bumble the woman is supposed to be the initiator. It wouldn't surprise me that it's mostly inexperienced, beta men purposely on there because they have no confidence...expect women to ask them out.

Yes you are correct smackie and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re right. I’m ok sending the first message. What I’m not ok with is doing all the work. 

[Calmandfocused]

To clarify: 

I’m fine with waiting until that text connection chemistry occurs until a date is offered. I have no set timeline for this (or do I judge by the amount of messages), it’s just when it goes on and on and on. 
 

When I was asked on a date a couple of weeks ago, I agreed, asked him when and where and then he said “I’m free all week next week” so basically he wanted me to arrange the date. Very lazy was my conclusion to that. I couldn’t be bothered with him. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

When I was asked on a date a couple of weeks ago, I agreed, asked him when and where and then he said “I’m free all week next week” so basically he wanted me to arrange the date. Very lazy was my conclusion to that. I couldn’t be bothered with him. 

There's nothing wrong with picking a coffee place close to you for your convenience and safety.

If fact you should do that. It's not about who pursues or alpha, beta, alphabet soup, etc.

There's nothing wrong with exchanging a few messages and suggesting meeting for coffee. That way you can rule out those who waste time or who you have no chemistry with.

By being this passive and entertaining endless, useless texts, you'll burn yourself out rather than cut to the chase and meet suitable people in a timely manner.

Mentioning when they are free is not lazy or rude, it simply allows you to take more control in your dating life and set something up convenient, safe and easy for you. When someone hands you a silver platter of options, don't wait for alphabet wolves.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

32 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

To clarify: 

I’m fine with waiting until that text connection chemistry occurs until a date is offered. I have no set timeline for this (or do I judge by the amount of messages), it’s just when it goes on and on and on. 
 

When I was asked on a date a couple of weeks ago, I agreed, asked him when and where and then he said “I’m free all week next week” so basically he wanted me to arrange the date. Very lazy was my conclusion to that. I couldn’t be bothered with him. 

It's very difficult to gauge a person like this, much more genuine to have a half hour or one hour coffee meet. I think you're looking for too much in the texting. Keep it plain and about logistics. I also wouldn't volunteer much or any info about myself that isn't already on a profile for example via texting. It's much better done in person. Someone shows their true interest in whether they ask you out, not through text chemistry.