Apologizing to ex you dumped months later for your role in the problems- selfish?

[Catsaregrey]

I broke up with a partner I had for a year about 5 months ago. I broke it off was because he has a lot of issues and became aggressive and verbally insulting towards me.

He’s tried to reach out but I made it clear it would be unhealthy for me to be around him. Since our split I’ve been in therapy for my own issues and thought about how emotionally shut off I’ve been my entire life because of childhood trauma and how this has effected my relationships. Every partner I’ve had has said something about me being emotionally vacant and he definitely had a lot of issues with how close I would let him get. 

I’ve since also dated a guy who has a LOT of the same issues I’m currently working on and getting past, and it’s hurt me how withheld he would be with me while I was trying to be vulnerable with him. I’ve realized how much I didn’t make my ex feel wanted because I wasn’t at a point where I could enough. He was an affectionate, caring partner aside from his issues, and I couldn’t reciprocated it enough. I want to say that to him but I’m afraid to. I don’t want to get back together. But I don’t want him to think I hate him anymore.

My question is- is there ever a point of reaching out to apologize or acknowledge what you did wrong months later? Is it too late? Is it more selfish than helpful? Is it for me or him? How would you feel if your ex did that?

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Catsaregrey

[basil67]

It sounds like you're making great progress Cats.  I think that your therapist would be better placed to help you work through the 'why' in reaching out, but my gut instinct is to stay well away from someone who's got abusive tendencies.   Yes, your behaviour may have been frustrating to him, but it does not justify him being aggressive or verbally insulting.  

Let sleeping dogs lie.

[chillii]

Well , l did 18mths later.

lt was a very very serious thing between us not just some nothing few mths thing , and l did mess up, very very big. 18mths later l wrote and explained my stuff and of how badly l still felt and my part in everything and apologized from the heart . Bc at the time l just didn't realize but on reflection later it all came in.

No regrets, and l'll always know now that she can go through life from there with my apology and acknowledgments of my wrongs.   

Edited September 29, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

What are you gaining by reaching out or apologizing to an abusive, manipulative, insulting person? Do you need his approval to move on with your life? I would instead quietly acknowledge the mistakes of the past and endeavour not to make them again. Where you were "emotionally vacant" as you put it earlier in your life, use the energy now to be more present and open in your current relationship or other relationships going forward. 

You're learning more about yourself so this isn't about your ex. It's about you on your journey and exploring what got you to that abusive relationship in the first place or why you considered a relationship with someone like your ex to begin with. Confusing the situation by reaching out to someone like that would do more harm than good as this has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with you and your choices, whether you change or do things differently from now on.

Edited September 29, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Catsaregrey said:

 he became aggressive and verbally insulting towards me.. 

I’ve since also dated a guy who has a LOT of the same issues I’m currently working on and getting past, 

It's never a good idea to dredge up the past. 

Being with an abuser is not the time to "be vulnerable".

Delete and block this ex from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Dating is not about therapy or social work.

Exes are not about some exercise in "making amends". 

Try to understand your therapist more clearly. Certainly a qualified therapist would not recommend contacting an abusive ex to explain yourself.

It may be a good idea not to get involved with people who "have a lot of issues" that you need to "get past".

Either someone is kind, respectful and decent toward you, or you cut your losses and end it.

Having appropriate boundaries is not "emotionally vacant".

[d0nnivain]

Even if you are emotionally closed off, this guy was verbally aggressive & insulting.  He also has not accepted the break up.  His repeated attempts to contact you are him being pushy & not respecting your boundaries.  

While it's sweet that you want to apologize as part of your personal growth, talking to him at this point is a breadcrumb that will give him false hope. You'll never get rid of him.   Don't do it. 

Take what you are learning about yourself & be better in your next relationship.  That's enough. 

[chillii]

Op , in a hurry earlier and forgot to add.

But in your case and with abuse, well. l'd probably mostly agree with others here and not send anything. But at the same time , my situation was actually an abusive thing of sorts too , can't know to what degree as compared to yours.

However , in my situation , although with ways in which she acted eventually, in ways she didn't deserve an apology  , for me and mine. ln other ways through my own fault and doings though, in many ways l couldn't blame her at all. l gave her much frustration and unintentionally hurt. And that's part of what l needed to tell her.

So l don't really know the nitty gritty of your situation but these things can be very complex and all l was saying in mine, it was something l wanted to do. lt gave me peace and hopefully her too.

ps , what does your therapist knowing all the details ,think ?

Edited September 29, 2021 by chillii