He broke up and I feel bad

[helo]

So my bf of 4 yrs broke up yesterday with me because he doesn't want to continue anymore. He is currently in a bad space mentally, which I pointed out, and he started extremely tearing up but denying it. He doesn't know what it is, but it led him to breaking up (His words). I still get his reasons why he broke up, our relationship was very one side from his side and he told me that several times, that he wants more from me. I love him and will always do it's just that I'm very insecure person and have deep bonding issue. When I think bout doing something, I felt silly and stopped myself, he was never the reason. But the day he broke up I didn't just accept it I begged him, I said we have a special bond, I said I will be fighting for you, I will do everything and that he maybe takes time for himself. I genuinely feel like I can't live without him, that he is the one. I just have terrible ways to show it. We've talked about nearly everything, including our future, A-Z. He introduced me the first week of our RL to his family and always insured I am part of it. We talk like we're meant to be together. We promised a lot of things together. But he realized I think actions prove more. I am a person if you tell me there one bit of hope, I will fight fit it no matter how much I have to give. Of course, we both had ups and downs'

I ended up text him that I won't let him go, and I'm thankful for everything, but I will fight for us. He texted me thanks for everything and I delete our chat. He later texted me to see how I'm doing, and I said the truth and said I won't stop feeling for him this way, and he just assured me I will be fine soon, and I just say this things now. He said I was right that he is in a bad place and that he never felt so clueless in his life and that feeling was so bad it ended the relationship. He mentioned he saw my VSCO profile just because he wanted to see pictures of me, and then I said I deleted all our pictures which he didn't know about. I linked my VSCO profile to my IG Bio, and he just saw it now. And he said man I wish u have told me that stuff before it was exactly these things he wanted. My way of love and give was always "there" just in a very "hidden way". After I sent him the pictures I've deleted before, he said this made him tear up in joy.

I didn't think he will text me as soon as he went, but we ended up texting for one more day, and we made each other promise certain things.
He wanted me to promise him that I will watch out for myself and not be stupid and naive with boys, which I in my past I was, and it always used to hunt him. And to my question why he was so hyperfocused he said He can't describe it, I just have to promise him, or he won't be able to move on.
He made me promise if he ever felt alone or like we can be again together, he will text me, no matter what the time. He responded and asked, what if you're with somebody else? And I said I won't and even if I would, he should text me. And why would he ever come back since he did most of the giving in this RL.

He texted me I will move one pretty fast (that is also why he mentioned this with other boys) because I'm strong and denied my messages where I said that I need him in my life. I tried in text to make him realize that I will fight for him because what the point of just letting go.....

He texted me that he will always talk good of me and defend me if he hears stuff, he will say Hi to me if we see each other and I can always text him. And so did I !!
This Goodbye was so hard and I pray to God he will find himself back to me. I think it's obvious that I had more to lose and that the next girl on the street is 100x better and would deserve him more. What still surprises me is that he was never with any of his Girlfriends like this. He had some "shorter" RL and one "longer" one, but he always used to say he never had this what he has with me. I was the first girl ever to meet his family and both coming from a conservative traditional family this is a big step. So even then i truly believe I had a special place in his heart.

I say to myself I can't let just go we once already broke up, and we got back after a week.  This time it was different, he genuinely seemed lost and alone. And it kills me that he feels this way, I want to hug him and listen to what he feels like. It breaks my heart.

We still follow each others insta, and I'm aware we can't just vanish from each other's life. Sooner or later when he finds himself and definitely moves on or finds a new GF I know this contact will break, but he said he will always have these memories with me.

I told him that I feel bad that I can't let him just go and that I will be trying and trying... jut I have no idea how. I get that he wants truly to be alone for now, but what is the point of me not trying to fight for him. I don't know men always seem so sure and not even a little regretful about their decisions, but I also know I would give the world to him.

I warned him that I will be checking up on him once a while, and he doesn't seem bothered by it. I will focus on myself and I will try to see what time tells, but something inside me tells me THIS MAN DESERVES TO KNOW HE IS WORTH IT !  I do not want to come off as I say these things "just because" and come off as "too much". I will take this time to also work on myself, but he will always be there... and maybe it is just for selfish but how can you show someone the person still matters and is important without not respecting his decisions. If it was for me, I would want him to fight for me and still try, but I am just "weak" in this sense and well I would give in easily maybe after a week... So I guess it's maybe just a woman thing

I struggle between "time will tell" and "From nothing, comes nothing"

I feel devastated and hopeless. 

More questions or advice is appreciated. I can take criticism.

[glows]

Your writing is contradictory so could you help clarify again what he's breaking up with you about? Is it because you flirt with other men? I'm referring to this: "He wanted me to promise him that I will watch out for myself and not be stupid and naive with boys, which I in my past I was, and it always used to hurt him. "

"Bad space mentally" doesn't really mean anything. What is he referring to? Feeling low because he feels unloved?

You're still very hurt and reeling from the break up. In my view, you owe him nothing, not even the promise "not to be  stupid and naive with boys". That's him overreaching and emotional even if he was trying to look out for you. Don't check in with each other anymore and don't allow an ex to dictate the way you live or behave. He has no hold over you so any failed expectations on his part, do not carry that with you. Take the time to process what he said and give it some thought but discard any comments about you as a person if you feel it's incorrect or no longer relevant. 

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, helo said:

So my bf of 4 yrs broke up yesterday with me because he doesn't want to continue anymore. He is currently in a bad space mentally

 Sorry to hear this. How old is he?

Often, "I need to find myself", means there's someone else they're interested in.

And frequently with bittersweet sentiments like this.

Give him room to breathe and at least reflect and miss you.

Chasing, stalking, smothering, etc. will only drive him further away.

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[helo]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Your writing is contradictory so could you help clarify again what he's breaking up with you about? Is it because you flirt with other men? I'm referring to this: "He wanted me to promise him that I will watch out for myself and not be stupid and naive with boys, which I in my past I was, and it always used to hurt him. "

"Bad space mentally" doesn't really mean anything. What is he referring to? Feeling low because he feels unloved?

You're still very hurt and reeling from the break up. In my view, you owe him nothing, not even the promise "not to be  stupid and naive with boys". That's him overreaching and emotional even if he was trying to look out for you. Don't check in with each other anymore and don't allow an ex to dictate the way you live or behave. He has no hold over you so any failed expectations on his part, do not carry that with you. Take the time to process what he said and give it some thought but discard any comments about you as a person if you feel it's incorrect or no longer relevant. 

 

Hey, thank you for the replay. No, the reason he didn't want to continue is that the RL was one-sided on his part. He did most the talking and showing, and he got tired of it. (I admit and am aware that he did most the giving) 

"Bad space mentally" I think he just fell in a deep whole of depressions, he felt unmotivated regards work hoped everyday he will get fired. Didn't find pleasure in stuff he usually liked (gaming or going out)

It really ended on so good terms just I feel like because he gave so much.... I have to show him I still would fight and I me her for him.

[glows]

Just now, helo said:

Hey, thank you for the replay. No, the reason he didn't want to continue is that the RL was one-sided on his part. He did most the talking and showing, and he got tired of it. (I admit and am aware that he did most the giving) 

"Bad space mentally" I think he just fell in a deep whole of depressions, he felt unmotivated regards work hoped everyday he will get fired. Didn't find pleasure in stuff he usually liked (gaming or going out)

It really ended on so good terms just I feel like because he gave so much.... I have to show him I still would fight and I me her for him.

Thanks for explaining. It sounds like regret on your part but he also has mental health/personal issues with himself.

Take the time to cool off and recover from the loss or missing him. He's not going to be a good partner at all if he is unhappy with his work or where he's at in life. It would do you good to step back from this and let the dust settle. Spend more time with your friends and family or take a time out or breather and recoup in peace. In time, you'll realize that when someone chooses to walk out of your life, hold the door open. Don't stand in the way or prevent someone from moving on as it very well could be a blessing in disguise. 

You can learn from your own mistakes also if you feel there's room for improvement. Take the lessons to a new relationship.

[helo]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry to hear this. How old is he?

Often, "I need to find myself", means there's someone else they're interested in.

And frequently with bittersweet sentiments like this.

Give him room to breathe and at least reflect and miss you.

Chasing, stalking, smothering, etc. will only drive him further away.

 

He is 22 years old. We fell in love when he was 18 years old.

And "I need to find myself" is more in a depressed way.... He wants to be alone he is close friends with my sister, and he said the same thing to her.... today my friends saw him at the gas station smoking (which he doesn't even do) alone.... 
I can't say it's depressions, just from what my sister told me, she said she felt the same way and he to even break things off with her boyfriend back then... I want to respect he needs time, but also wants to show him that I am still here for him... That what I struggle with... 

Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic after all

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, helo said:

I want to respect he needs time, but also wants to show him that I am still here for him.

He knows your people and your contact info, so let him reach out if he needs to. He asked for space, so respect that.