smackie9 Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 You didn't understand my post. You got too intense, and now once again you expect way too much. She was feeling crappy and requested to be alone...you over stepped and made dinner. That's great and all, but not really appropriate for this situation. This is not what you see it as. You are a temporary comfort for her only when she needs it and that's all she wants. There is no interest in deep friendship or otherwise. Like I said, stop pushing. Be aloof, a little distant, don't jump to give her anything, or do anything. Nothing wrong with some light socializing at work, upbeat fun, but I would leave it at that. The reality is this is going nowhere, so prepare yourself. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 4 hours ago, turokturok5 said: not giving me courtesy to explain to me why, but still texts/snapchats me as if nothing is wrong. Because nothing is wrong. You're still friends and still chatting.. She doesn't have to explain why she wants to stop having sex. In fact she simply stated she has times she needs space, no? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 7 hours ago, turokturok5 said: Do you think it would be worthwhile messaging her to let her know how I feel about the situation and to see what she is thinking What is it you want to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Author turokturok5 Posted September 30, 2021 Author Posted September 30, 2021 Hi everyone, thanks for the replies again. We had a chat with her earlier and she admitted that she is likely getting back together with her ex and doesn't want to think about having sex with anyone else right now. I know I said I wasn't looking for anything serious with her and I personally don't think that I could have a serious relationship with her, but I can't' help but feel a little used. I made the mistake of saying that we can still be good friends...and now she is all over me, constantly sending me messages and wanting to come watch movies together. I don't like how this feels and want it to stop, but I agreed to be good friends...and its doing me more harm than good.
Wiseman2 Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 3 hours ago, turokturok5 said: I made the mistake of saying that we can still be good friends...and now she is all over me, constantly sending me messages and wanting to come watch movies together. Ok, so she moved her bedding back to the BF and you're just the handy teddy bear? Just say no. Be busy...like all the time. 1
glows Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, turokturok5 said: Hi everyone, thanks for the replies again. We had a chat with her earlier and she admitted that she is likely getting back together with her ex and doesn't want to think about having sex with anyone else right now. I know I said I wasn't looking for anything serious with her and I personally don't think that I could have a serious relationship with her, but I can't' help but feel a little used. I made the mistake of saying that we can still be good friends...and now she is all over me, constantly sending me messages and wanting to come watch movies together. I don't like how this feels and want it to stop, but I agreed to be good friends...and its doing me more harm than good. Feeling used suggests some misunderstanding but there wasn't any. It was meant to be a casual/temporary fling while you're located here. It could have ended also at any time as there were no strings attached. You seem confused and if it is too confusing or hurtful for you to keep spending time with her, spend time with other friends. You don't have to keep agreeing to a situation that doesn't feel good to you anymore. Edited September 30, 2021 by glows
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2021 Posted September 30, 2021 You’re allowed to change your mind about remaining friends, OP. You’ll just wind up acting as her filler for when her ex/BF isn’t available. It won’t be worth it. 1
Author turokturok5 Posted October 1, 2021 Author Posted October 1, 2021 What would be the best way to let her know I'm not keen on the idea of being friends? I understand that she is likely to use this as a way to continue to get attention from me without any other obligations as her ex will be a long distance relationship again...I feel like I need to do it with a bit of tact and not come across as being overly dramatic or mean as we're coworkers and I have to think about my reputation at work. She's done a complete 180 now and is messaging me all the time...I'm ignoring most of the them but then she just ends up double and triple texting me to which I bluntly reply...
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 4 hours ago, turokturok5 said: ...I'm ignoring most of the them but then she just ends up double and triple texting me to which I bluntly reply... Be very busy. Get more involved in your upcoming move, your future location, your own friends and family, your interests, your work and your own life in general. You don't need to give her a speach. You don't owe each other anything.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 5 hours ago, turokturok5 said: What would be the best way to let her know I'm not keen on the idea of being friends? Just say that you thought about it, and being friends is not going to work for you. And leave it at that. You don't need to get into any explanations or justifications. And then stop engaging with her about anything that is not work-related.
basil67 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, S2B said: if you want more than casual sex - don’t be telling any gal you prefer to keep it FWB. They tend to put you in the “not relationship material” box and it’s hard to get out of that position once you’re in it. Yes. If you want a relationship, don't pitch yourself for casual. The only change I would make on the above is that when you say you only want FWB, you put yourself in the 'not relationship material' box.
Author turokturok5 Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, S2B said: next time you have any gal you’re casually seeing - send them home with ALL there things (nothing left behind at your place). This sends a clear message they aren’t moving in or marking their territory. she figured she owned you once she left her stuff at your place. Wow...this was a bit of a revelation. I didn't even think that this was something she could have been doing... Before she went on holidays she "accidently" gave me a huge hickey on my neck and joked around that she was "letting all the other girls know that I was hers" since we work in a setting where the ratio of men to women is like 1:10 and the other girls are openly flirty with me at work. One night she was also sending me messages asking who I was with and several asking me why I was up so late at night. Then she obviously comes back and just disappears. But again thanks everyone for the replies, I'm feeling a lot better about the situation now. I understand it was a casual/friends with benefits relation and could have ended at any moment, the problem lies with me in how I reacted to it ending. It's the first proper "casual" relationship I've ever had really and I think I started to get a bit too invested by treating her like a girlfriend. Edited October 2, 2021 by turokturok5 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 The problem is that you mistook her ego for deeper feelings. She didn't want you sleeping with anyone else, but that was more about fluffing up her ego than wanting to be with you on any serious level. It's not uncommon, and unfortunately it often confuses the person who is developing feelings (you, in this case) They read into and assume it means something more. However, it's generally just about not wanting to share untik they find someone they want to date (her ex, apparently) at which point they drop you like a hot potato.
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 You were leaving, you were the one in control. She was the one acting like a gf, getting jealous, leaving stuff at your place... The night out put things in perspective for her, she flirted and danced with other guys to test you, but instead of getting jealous, you accused her of promiscuity and sleeping around. She was shocked and removed her stuff from your place. You obviously were not into her. She has turned back to the ex, or she has told you that. Now you are sore because instead of leaving a besotted upset girl behind, which is kind of validating, you are in fact leaving a girl who has already moved on and who will not be shedding any tears...
Mrin Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 (edited) On 9/30/2021 at 7:39 PM, turokturok5 said: What would be the best way to let her know I'm not keen on the idea of being friends? I understand that she is likely to use this as a way to continue to get attention from me without any other obligations as her ex will be a long distance relationship again...I feel like I need to do it with a bit of tact and not come across as being overly dramatic or mean as we're coworkers and I have to think about my reputation at work. She's done a complete 180 now and is messaging me all the time...I'm ignoring most of the them but then she just ends up double and triple texting me to which I bluntly reply... "Hey there. Say, I know I said I wanted to be friends and I do, because I thoroughly enjoy you. Perhaps a little too much. I really dug our sexual chemistry. But I don't think it is a good idea to hang out together. You have stated that you don't want to sleep with anyone right now and are hoping to reconcile with your ex. I want to respect that. Given our sexual chemistry, chilling out at my place watching movies together is too great a temptation and would probably result in something happening that would be either awkward for me or regretted by you the next morning. So I think it is better to honor our spoken intentions and put some physical space between us. Does that make sense?" Edited October 2, 2021 by Mrin
glows Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 14 hours ago, turokturok5 said: It's the first proper "casual" relationship I've ever had really and I think I started to get a bit too invested by treating her like a girlfriend. This sums it up very well. Let it go and enjoy the rest of your stay in this area. If it's once in a lifetime, why spend these precious days and hours pining after someone who wants to be with someone else also?
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