turokturok5 Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 Lets her Jane. We're work colleagues and friends who live in neighboring apartments (big red flags I know), have known each other for 3 months, have been sleeping together for about 3 weeks and we agreed we both weren't looking for anything serious because I'll be leaving in a month and we don't believe in LDR's. The sex is really great and she spent every night at my place for the first week and even moved all her bedding to mine. The second week she went away on holiday with some friends and was constantly messaging me telling me how much she missed me and wanted to come back. She even got really drunk one night and video called me asking why I was sleeping with her because I was so much better than she was etc... Another few nights she was staying at my house, no sex because her period had arrived and she was feeling a bit "moody" (her words) and had been a lot less affectionate/more withdrawn. I asked her what her stance was on hooking up with other guys as I don't like hooking up with multiple people but I'm not sure where she stands on the matter and we had been out clubbing a few nights ago and both had interest from other parties, but still went home together. She got really defensive, said no she didn't want to hook up with other guys and just wanted me...then she left my apartment and took all of her stuff with her. It's been a few days and we haven't really hooked up or kissed/cuddled or anything since. She is keeping to herself, but still regularly texts me. This morning she messaged me and told me she is in a "phase" she goes through sometimes where she gets in her head and becomes anti-social, keeps to herself for a few days and just watches netflix. There is some truth to this as I've known her for 3 months as simply friends and she has done it a few times before...but I'm not sure where we stand now. She contacted me today to let me know how miserable she was feeling and she needed a few days to be herself again, so I've just let her know that I'll give her some space until she's ready. Am I over-thinking this, did I do something wrong?
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 She called it a phase she goes through. In the absence of any other evidence, just go with her excuse. Focus on your upcoming move.
glows Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 2 hours ago, turokturok5 said: This morning she messaged me and told me she is in a "phase" she goes through sometimes where she gets in her head and becomes anti-social, keeps to herself for a few days and just watches netflix. There is some truth to this as I've known her for 3 months as simply friends and she has done it a few times before...but I'm not sure where we stand now. She contacted me today to let me know how miserable she was feeling and she needed a few days to be herself again, so I've just let her know that I'll give her some space until she's ready. Am I over-thinking this, did I do something wrong? It's unlikely that you've done anything wrong. You should figure out if your feelings for her are getting stronger. She seems very extreme. Why are you letting her move items into your apartment, however temporary? Let her be on her own but keep in mind that she needs space also. This is not a relationship so don't cater to her every whim and desire if you feel it's not what you want either. If she contacts you ready to move her things back in, let her know you enjoy her company but she should leave her items at her place. Make other plans the next day to spend time with your friends and limit the time you spend with her at one time. You are not a couple. 1
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 Ignore her, and carry on with keeping busy. She will come around. When she does, stop letting things get too intense. Even if she's being a goo on you, keep a little kool and aloof. That will stop her from taking off. 2
Author turokturok5 Posted September 28, 2021 Author Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) I'm just at a loss of what to do at the moment, things were going so great up until two nights ago... She was on a late finish at work tonight and was messaging me about how she felt really sick and needed to rest. I offered to make her some dinner so that she wouldn't have to worry about cooking when she got home. I still have a key to her apartment as well, so I just left it on her kitchen table for when she got home to respect her wish to want to be alone and not see anyone right now. She just messaged me thank you for the meal and that was it. I'll admit I was kind of hoping she would come and see me to thank me in person and at least give me a little bit more clarity about what was going on. I just don't understand how one day you can be having sex with someone and saying how good it is together, laughing, cuddling and having a great time - and then suddenly you can't even bear to see them face to face anymore and can't offer much more of an explanation other than "this is just a phase I go through". I know we're not dating so she doesn't owe me anything, but we're still meant to be friends and I feel like I've just been shot in the stomach. I've accepted that I really need to distance myself from her, do I just completely ignore her texts - if shes genuine about this just being a "phase" won't that ruin my chances of going back to how it was before? Edited September 28, 2021 by turokturok5
Sun Seeker Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 Sounds like she has started to get some feelings, realised this is going nowhere and she is wasting her time with you, and now wants to distance herself so she doesn't get hurt even more. She is doing the right thing. Let her be, if she wants to see you, she knows how to contact you. Not sure why it's affecting you so much as you said it yourself you are leaving soon and don't want a LDR (which is a poor excuse and taking the 'easy' option, but that's another topic) so she doesn't mean that much to you anyway. 4 1
glows Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 1 hour ago, turokturok5 said: I'm just at a loss of what to do at the moment, things were going so great up until two nights ago... She was on a late finish at work tonight and was messaging me about how she felt really sick and needed to rest. I offered to make her some dinner so that she wouldn't have to worry about cooking when she got home. I still have a key to her apartment as well, so I just left it on her kitchen table for when she got home to respect her wish to want to be alone and not see anyone right now. She just messaged me thank you for the meal and that was it. I'll admit I was kind of hoping she would come and see me to thank me in person and at least give me a little bit more clarity about what was going on. I just don't understand how one day you can be having sex with someone and saying how good it is together, laughing, cuddling and having a great time - and then suddenly you can't even bear to see them face to face anymore and can't offer much more of an explanation other than "this is just a phase I go through". I know we're not dating so she doesn't owe me anything, but we're still meant to be friends and I feel like I've just been shot in the stomach. I've accepted that I really need to distance myself from her, do I just completely ignore her texts - if shes genuine about this just being a "phase" won't that ruin my chances of going back to how it was before? No, you don't need to ignore her. She's asked for space and you're not dating. I think you're taking this too personally which is why I mentioned it might be better to figure out your feelings for her. The way you seem to care for her and want to cook for her doesn't suggest that this is casual. You're developing feelings for her so sort yourself out and acknowledge that, then deal with it as best you feel. In the meantime, let this blow over and give her the space she needs. You may be smothering her with the cooked meals and too much time together especially if you're both showing interest in dating others. 3
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 7 hours ago, turokturok5 said: I'll be leaving in a month Don't worry about it. She pulling away to prepare herself for your replacement, particularly after your "hooking up with others" conversation. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 4 hours ago, turokturok5 said: I know we're not dating so she doesn't owe me anything, but we're still meant to be friends and I feel like I've just been shot in the stomach. You are way too invested, OP. You two are just hooking up and she wants a few nights by herself. It's normal. You're also leaving soon and apparently neither of you wants to try a LDR, so it would be pointless to spend all your free time together. My advice is that you stop hooking up. It's not wrong, but it's wrong for you as you are already taking it too seriously. And that's perfectly okay. Casual sex is not for everyone. 5
poppyfields Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You are way too invested, OP. You two are just hooking up and she wants a few nights by herself. It's normal. You're also leaving soon and apparently neither of you wants to try a LDR, so it would be pointless to spend all your free time together. My advice is that you stop hooking up. It's not wrong, but it's wrong for you as you are already taking it too seriously. And that's perfectly okay. Casual sex is not for everyone. This^. She also may be sensing that you have become too invested (which is obvious you are), women have a 6th sense about stuff like that. And it's turning her off. Leave her be. She knows where to find you if she wants to talk and see you. Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Alvi Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) Since you'll be leaving in a month it doesn't matter much. Unless perhaps you are willing to suggest to try a long distance relationship. But it's a long shot. You've called her a hook up girl in your title to this thread. A hookup is probably less than a FWB relationship. You didn't even call her FWB, so she doesn't matter much or anything to you I would assume??? In my understanding, a hookup person is someone you sleep with once or twice (or as in your case, for three weeks) and then you both go your own separate ways. And that is exactly what she did. Edited September 28, 2021 by Alvi 1
Alvi Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 5 hours ago, turokturok5 said: I've accepted that I really need to distance myself from her, do I just completely ignore her texts - if shes genuine about this just being a "phase" won't that ruin my chances of going back to how it was before? Before what? You've only been having a purely sexual relationship for three weeks. In a month you'll be gone. No need to be rude and ignore her but don't try to make it a lot bigger than it really is. Pleas try to understand, that this is not some The Notebook or a Hallmark movie type of a story that you have here. It was nice and fun while it lasted but it probably has no future. She may come back to you for more sex before you leave but once you leave, that is it. The end. Try not to get more attached to her or to make her any false promises. 1
Yosemite Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 You talk about what she did for you (texting constantly, bringing her bedding over, telling you how much she missed you etc) what did you do for her? Say "same" everytime she initiated texting and told you that she missed you/liked you? When you tried to bring up exclusivity you made it sound like you wanted to be exclusive for hygiene reasons, not because you liked her or were getting feelings. She felt hurt and started to pull away and it hasn't been the same since. Leaving her key on the table was a break up move. Doing that made it almost impossible for things to go back to the way they were before especially since you're leaving soon. Next time when someone is crazy about you, be romantic when bringing up exclusivity and reciprocate and initiate if you don't want the relationship to end. 1
divegrl Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 I don’t understand this. You both agreed it was a casual fling, as you are moving in a month. You are not looking for anything? Why are you so hung up on this? 5
poppyfields Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) Wow in reading your initial post again and some others, I am now thinking she was developing feelings (or already had) and needed to pull away because you are leaving soon and made it clear you do not want a LDR. >>I asked her what her stance was on hooking up with other guys as I don't like hooking up with multiple people but I'm not sure where she stands on the matter and we had been out clubbing a few nights ago and both had interest from other parties, but still went home together. She got really defensive, said no she didn't want to hook up with other guys and just wanted me...then she left my apartment and took all of her stuff with her.<< So it appears it was after this^ conversation, things started shifting. Think back on that convo and how your words (and actions at the club) may have come across to her. What do you mean you both had interest from other parties? Were women hitting on you? Were you flirting back? It sounds like something went terribly amiss while you were out clubbing, and mixed messages were sent from both sides. In any event, are you now rethinking what you said about not wanting LDR? If you are, my advice is reach out. Talk to her, communicate. If not, let it go. Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields
Alvi Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, divegrl said: I don’t understand this. You both agreed it was a casual fling, as you are moving in a month. You are not looking for anything? Why are you so hung up on this? One month of denied sex opportunity. Now, he has to go out and find some other girl/girls to hook up with. It may or may not happen, who knows. On the other hand, she was just there, all moved in, ready and available. 1
poppyfields Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) Since he apparently has got women hitting him up at clubs, I doubt he would have any trouble finding sex, if that's all he wanted. Reading his posts, it sounds like he really likes this girl, allowing her stay at his for a week, offering to make her dinner to make life easier? I wouldn't think these are the actions of a man who only wants a "hook up." I could be wrong. >>I still have a key to her apartment as well, so I just left it on her kitchen table for when she got home to respect her wish to want to be alone and not see anyone right now. If me, I would have interpreted that as meaning you just broke up with me (or broke up whatever we had). Didn't wish to see me again. That it's over and done. Like I said, mixed messages sent from both sides. Just out of curiosity, why did you do that? Leave the key? She needed some space to gather thoughts, so you leave the key? Afraid she was gonna end it, so you beat her to the punch by ending it first? Leaving the key would certainly do the trick. Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields
divegrl Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Alvi said: One month of denied sex opportunity. Now, he has to go out and find some other girl/girls to hook up with. It may or may not happen, who knows. On the other hand, she was just there, all moved in, ready and available. Omg! Well from that perspective, it should be pretty obvious why she has gone cold. I feel like men need to put in at least a little effort; even if it’s just sex.
Interstellar Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 do me a favor and look up law 16 on 48 laws of power.
salparadise Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: >>I still have a key to her apartment as well, so I just left it on her kitchen table for when she got home to respect her wish to want to be alone and not see anyone right now. If me, I would have interpreted that as meaning you just broke up with me I think he was saying that he left the dinner he made for her on the table. It does appear he was talking about the key from the way the sentence is structured, but I don't think that was the intent. This is kind of important- clarification OP? My take on it is that she was developing feelings and knows she's going to be left with nada in a month, so she's trying to protect her heart. Can't say as I blame her. The comment about him being better than her, and her not understanding why he was sleeping with her is the key to her state of mind. She has low self-esteem, probably depression, and we don't know just how bad it may be. My guess is that she was hoping it would turn romantic... but then the comment about hooking up with others hurt, and that's when she went into her shell. My guess is that she's in survival mode. I think some sweet gestures are in order regardless. OP if you think this has any potential now is the time to step up. But if not, you can still try and give her a soft landing. Edited September 28, 2021 by salparadise 1
poppyfields Posted September 28, 2021 Posted September 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, salparadise said: I think he was saying that he left the dinner he made for her on the table. It does appear he was talking about the key from the way the sentence is structured, but I don't think that was the intent. I just went back and re-read and yes that makes sense! Especially since he then posted "She just messaged me thank you for the meal and that was it." My bad and I think I've been spending too much time here, my brain is fried! lol
Author turokturok5 Posted September 28, 2021 Author Posted September 28, 2021 Thanks again for the replies everyone. I think I may have gotten in a bit too deep and developed feelings. I'm just a bit upset that she has gone so cold on me as before we were hooking up we were very close friends. We work stressful jobs and have practically spent every day together for the past 3 months so it hurts me to know that she doesn't even see me just to have a chat. Although she says she is going through a phase where she feels like crap and wants to keep to herself she still regularly sends me snaps of her being silly and looking happy. I want to talk to her about it but I feel like it would do much more harm than good. Before we started having sex we had a "moment" where we kissed when we were out, but nothing else came from it. A few days later I was at her apartment watching a movie and I casually asked her what that kiss was all about and she started freaking out and kicked me out of her apartment. She later texted me saying that talking about things like that give her too much anxiety - it was from here I said to her I was just curious if she wanted more than just a kiss and we both established that given our current circumstances with work and the different directions it will take us (she'll be going overseas at the end of the year and me moving away in a month) we were both not looking for anything serious. She proceeded to be cold and distant towards me for three days, then found out I was invited out by some of our friends from work (who were female) and invited me over to her apartment, which is when we first had sex. To provide some clarity on the club situation - we were out with friends and things were going fine. Some of our friends though that we were dating and saw that she was off dancing with other guys and flirting with them. They approached me and asked me if I was cool with what she was doing and that they knew some girls we were with that were keen on hooking up with me, but I declined. Nothing happened with Jane and the other guys and she came home with me. I brought up the conversation about whether or she wanted to hook up with other guys because I wanted to know where we stood. If she was going to hook up with other guys, I wasn't going to turn down other opportunities anymore to stick with her. But the conversation didn't really get this far, as I mentioned she just said no she didn't want other guys and left. I just want to talk to her about this so I can get some clarity, but with what happened when we tried to talk about the kiss I feel like it will just make things a whole lot worse. When I move away in a month we planned on still seeing each other every now and then as I'll only be 2 hours away. But again, the agreement was for nothing serious as 2 months after I move she goes overseas for 2 years.
Wiseman2 Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 8 hours ago, turokturok5 said: If she was going to hook up with other guys, I wasn't going to turn down other opportunities anymore to stick with her. Well, implying she's promiscuous and if so, you're going to hookup with other women doesn't help you. Possessiveness and ultimatums are an ugly look. More importantly, you're leaving anyway, so this had an end in sight all along.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 OP, if you’re leaving anyway and neither of you wants LDR, all this fretting is senseless. This was always going to end. 1
Author turokturok5 Posted September 29, 2021 Author Posted September 29, 2021 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, if you’re leaving anyway and neither of you wants LDR, all this fretting is senseless. This was always going to end. I'm moving 2 hours away and we had previously discussed catching up with each other every now and again over the summer. The lack of wanting anything serious from her part is because she had also just come out of a long distance relationship about 6 weeks before we started sleeping together, so she doesn't want to get into another one. I was good friends with her before we started sleeping together and I miss that aspect of out relationship as well. I'm just confused as to why she has gone so cold all of the sudden, leaving me in the dark and not giving me courtesy to explain to me why, but still texts/snapchats me as if nothing is wrong. I keep thinking I have done something or said something wrong to her and want to fix it, but I can't really approach her to talk about this as it will undoubtedly push her away further - talking about these kind of things make her incredibly anxious and she shuts down... I can't really go no contact on her as we work together, so it best to just start making myself less available and move on? Do you think it would be worthwhile messaging her to let her know how I feel about the situation and to see what she is thinking or just stay silent.
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