He is still active on tinder

[Horses634]

I met this guy off a tinder and we had a great first date. We did sleep together but also spent a fair amount of time just hanging out together. We have met a few more times since this then and it has been a month since we first met. I haven’t felt such a strong connection with a guy for a long time and it feels right when we are together. He also texts me everyday and always tries to keep the conversation going. However, I checked his profile and he changed his bio today. He has deleted his pictures and added a new one in the time we have been seeing each other but seeing his bio changed today stung. I’m obviously starting to catch feelings but I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to bring up exclusively as we have only been seeing each other a month. I just wanted your opinions/experiences to help me decide on whether it is worth pursing things with this guy and if he actually might be potentially interested in something more serious with me despite him clearly being active on tinder.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Horses634 said:

However, I checked his profile and he changed his bio today.

I don't use dating sites because I'm married; but what does changing his profile and bio have to do with what's going on between you two?

[d0nnivain]

Talk to him.  But obviously he doesn't feel the same strong connection you do.  If he did, he would not have taken the time to update his profile.  Obviously he's still looking.  That knowledge alone should cause you to check your feelings.  It doesn't sound like he's on the same page.   It merits a discussion so you can find out if he has any interest in exclusivity.  

I'd soft pedal the inquiry though.  Casually mention that you are not seeing others or looking.  Ask where he is on that score.  

[Horses634]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Talk to him.  But obviously he doesn't feel the same strong connection you do.  If he did, he would not have taken the time to update his profile.  Obviously he's still looking.  That knowledge alone should cause you to check your feelings.  It doesn't sound like he's on the same page.   It merits a discussion so you can find out if he has any interest in exclusivity.  

I'd soft pedal the inquiry though.  Casually mention that you are not seeing others or looking.  Ask where he is on that score.  

Yeah he probably does not feel the same way as I do which hurts but it is what it is. I guess it  is just a bit confusing because he always tries to continue the conversation with me even if I try to end it. I will probably mention something along those lines in a few weeks and drop him if nothing comes out it. 

[Horses634]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't use dating sites because I'm married; but what does changing his profile and bio have to do with what's going on between you two?

Well updating a dating profile could indicate that he is still talking to others girls and looking which probably means he is not interested in me as much as I thought. 

[poppyfields]

What did he change on his bio? 

I don't think anything is obvious.

He may feel the same strong connection but yet not wish to be exclusive OR he's getting too close and by remaining on Tinder he's keeping a certain emotional distance till he decides what he wants. 

It could be so many things and what I have learned is things are very often NOT what they appear to be. 

Dating and relationships are nuanced, they are rarely linear or black and white. 

If me, I'd talk to him.  No accusations, simply seeking clarification. 

Communicate. 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Horses634 said:

Well updating a dating profile could indicate that he is still talking to others girls and looking which probably means he is not interested in me as much as I thought. 

Oh I see.  Yes that is concerning considering how well you two have been getting along.  Maybe he's doing it out of habit the way I use this forum.

[Calmandfocused]

I understand how you feel and I’m sorry you’re hurting. 
 

I know that the multi dating culture is all the rage at the moment, and I know that it is widely accepted (I disagree but that’s by the by) that you can “do what you like” until you talk “exclusivity”. 

However irrespective of these nuances and “rules” of modern dating there is really only one thing you need to know: 

If he really liked you he wouldn’t be activity looking for others. He simply wouldn’t want to. The truth is that despite all the time he’s been spending with you, it’s not enough to stop  him looking. 
 

That speaks volumes and makes his intentions towards you very clear in my view. 
 

I’m sorry 

[Horses634]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What did he change on his bio? 

I don't think anything is obvious.

He may feel the same strong connection but yet not wish to be exclusive OR he's getting too close and by remaining on Tinder he's keeping a certain emotional distance till he decides what he wants. 

It could be so many things and what I have learned is things are very often NOT what they appear to be. 

Dating and relationships are nuanced, they are rarely linear or black and white. 

If me, I'd talk to him.  No accusations, simply seeking clarification. 

Communicate. 

 

Well his bio had one word and now his bio is ‘call me the polish stallion😉’ 😂😂. His tinder also only has 2 pics which are not very good 😂 but he might just not know what to looks good. We did talk about relationships once and he said that he got hurt in his previous ones and also that they were toxic. He also mentioned he wouldn’t mind a relationship if he found the right person so he could possibly just be trying to be extra careful. 
I really hope that this isn’t as bad as it appears to be and I will definitely communicate with him about this soon. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Horses634 said:

I checked his profile and he changed his bio today. He has deleted his pictures and added a new one in the time we have been seeing each other but seeing his bio changed today stung.

Be upfront about your expectations for yourself. For example if you expect to be exclusive when things get physical, say so. 

Texting and hanging out is not exclusive dating. 

Be true to yourself . Dump him if you don't want casual sex and everyone sleeping around while also sleeping with you.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. "Timing" on bringing up exclusivity is up to you. The other person may/may not agree, but maybe float the idea indirectly and see how it plays. How long does he typically go before becoming exclusive? Is that timeline anything close to yours? If not, then that's an issue you are probably best off facing directly, ie, by realizing this is casual only or possibly ending things.

Sometimes communication works wonders.  Sometimes it doesn't BUT may still give you helpful info to base your decision making on.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

If he really liked you he wouldn’t be activity looking for others. He simply wouldn’t want to. The truth is that despite all the time he’s been spending with you, it’s not enough to stop  him looking. 

I used to feel that way too, but I no longer believe it's true, necessarily.  I know a few cases, including my own brother, who takes a more untraditional approach to dating and relationships who feels quite connected with one woman he's dating, but yet prefers to continue building connections with other women, until the time comes whereby he is 100% absolutely certain he wants commitment, which has not happened yet.

In the OP's case, after only one month dating, it's possible that's what's happening and if so, what he's doing is understandable.  Again, it's non-traditional, doesn't conform with "society" rules and restrictions, and which takes an open mind and more of a free spirited attitude.

Even speaking personally, I am dating a man I feel connected with, yet I feel a connection with another man too who I have dated previously but stopped, reached out to him and meeting him Wednesday.

I don't understand why feeling a connection with one person automatically translates to immediately cutting off others or that you should want to be exclusive, and all the other restrictions involved.

That's jealousy, possessiveness and co-dependency, not a true a genuine connection which is none of those things or shouldn't be imho.

OP, the only way to know for certain what's happening is to stop assuming what it means and talk to HIM!!!

 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[Sun Seeker]

You met on Tinder which is used as a hook up app by us men. It seems you slept together on the first date, which confirmed to him you are just looking for fun, which clearly he is too.

Him saying he wouldn't mind a relationship if he found the right person is him saying that you are not the right person for him. The daily texts etc are just so he can keep you interested enough to keep sleeping with him.

Him changing his profile and bio confirms everything I have just stated, he is 100% talking to/meeting other women.

In future, assuming you are looking for a relationship: Do not use Tinder. Do not sleep on the first date unless you are happy to give the impression you just want fun. Take your time getting to know someone first.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Sun Seeker said:

You met on Tinder which is used as a hook up app by us men. It seems you slept together on the first date, which confirmed to him you are just looking for fun, which clearly he is too.

Bolded = that may be true for some men (you for example) not sure if that's true across the board though, not anymore.

However, I do agree having sex on first date suggests they were both looking to have fun, but there is no reason why looking to have fun cannot progress into having a "relationship," as has happened with not only myself with a previous ex (six year RL), but @basil67 (who has been married to the man for 30 years) and many other couples.

That said, I will admit seeing him update his bio with new pics is unsettling, as free-spirited as I am, that would upset me too I think.

I would talk to him about it, again not accuse him of anything negative or untoward, just an open and honest dialogue about how you view your relationship, your mutual needs and desires.

If you feel comfortable enough to be having sex, you should feel comfortable enough to communicate with him about this, without fear or shame about what you need.

If you're not on the same wavelength, then re-adjust your expectations or reconsider continuing to date him.

Good luck whatever you decide!

 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

However, I do agree having sex on first date suggests they were both looking to have fun, but there is no reason why looking to have fun cannot progress into having a "relationship," as has happened with not only myself with a previous ex (six year RL), but @basil67 (who has been married to the man for 30 years) and many other couples.

To clarify, I didn't meet my ex on Tinder, I have actually never used Tinder (and wouldn't), I think if one wishes to on line date, there are higher quality apps, so perhaps I was a bit too hasty in my last post about what people look for there.

I do know couples who are in committed relationships now after initially meeting there though.

I still think you should talk to him.

 

[Allupinnit]

Talk to him but I doubt it will change anything.  Refreshing your profile means only one thing - you want to attract a fresh crop of dates.  It's been a month and he's looking for his next casual fling.  

This is the risk you take when you sleep with men casually from Tinder.

[DividedTrail]

I’ve never done OLD but I read about things like this on the forum. I mean, he has to know the OP would see the refresh right? Do you get an alert or you have to go look? 

I have to assume he knows you would or could see the update and he is OK with that possibility. Until you talk about being exclusive, it seems to be the way things are. Sounds like you need to have the ‘where is this going’ talk if you are starting to have feelings for the guy. 

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I understand how you feel and I’m sorry you’re hurting. 
 

I know that the multi dating culture is all the rage at the moment, and I know that it is widely accepted (I disagree but that’s by the by) that you can “do what you like” until you talk “exclusivity”. 

However irrespective of these nuances and “rules” of modern dating there is really only one thing you need to know: 

If he really liked you he wouldn’t be activity looking for others. He simply wouldn’t want to. The truth is that despite all the time he’s been spending with you, it’s not enough to stop  him looking. 
 

That speaks volumes and makes his intentions towards you very clear in my view. 
 

I’m sorry 

What does "really like" mean?  What if he ALMOST "really likes" her?

I don't see why it has to be either/or.  He could like her a lot, but just assume that they're both exploring their options.  It's only been a month, how serious are they supposed to be at this point?

OP, why do you just talk to him and ask him "where is this going?"  That's the inevitable conversation at this point so might as well have it before you become more invested.

Edited September 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[glows]

4 hours ago, Horses634 said:

Well his bio had one word and now his bio is ‘call me the polish stallion😉’ 😂😂. His tinder also only has 2 pics which are not very good 😂 but he might just not know what to looks good. We did talk about relationships once and he said that he got hurt in his previous ones and also that they were toxic. He also mentioned he wouldn’t mind a relationship if he found the right person so he could possibly just be trying to be extra careful. 
I really hope that this isn’t as bad as it appears to be and I will definitely communicate with him about this soon. 

 

The Polish stallion could also be a skittish one. Perhaps now's a good time to also rethink his responses to you. I don't believe you have to be so overt in your questions when finding a partner. You only have to be observant and listen to what he's telling you. 

He said he wouldn't mind a relationship if he found the right person so why isn't he inspired to be in a relationship with you? Also, most get hurt from previous break ups and his reasoning there would suggest his break up is still bothering him and he is not ready to be in a relationship at all. "Wouldn't mind" is also lukewarm and on the fence. These are turn offs. If you are looking for someone confident and assertive about what he likes or who he wants to date exclusively at this time after the time you've spent together already, this person isn't it. 

[CalipsoRose]

It means he is still looking and likely dating others. This is why its important to not be intimate immediately, because its like showing your hand too soon and giving him all the power. Its been a month...have any talks happened about exclusivity yet? If I were you, I'd stop having sex with him and have a talk about exclusivity as soon as possible. Otherwise he'll keep dating others and sleeping with you, with no agreement on being exclusive, and you won't even be able to get mad at him for it.

[basil67]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking if he's seeing others.   He shouldn't be expected to give you full details of what he's doing, but if he dodges the question and won't even give you a yes/no answer, it shows that he's the kind of guy who isn't relationship worthy.  

[introverted1]

So he sees you active on Tinder (because you are there checking his profile and noting picture and now text updates).

As a result, he thinks, oh, she is still active on Tinder, so I had better remain active as well.

Of course, it's also possible he'd be active regardless, but you are jumping to a conclusion about his activity and it's possible he's reached a similar conclusion about your activity.

Why can't you just talk to him? What are you trying to save face from?  Wouldn't you rather know sooner than later if he has no desire to be exclusive with you?  Personally, at the point I am physically intimate with someone, I want to at least know that they aren't also getting physically intimate with other people.  I see nothing wrong with discussing this.

[Maldives]

No not a good sign in my books but it's so typical of my experience as well with meeting people on dating sites they just keep looking and here I am thinking I finally maybe met someone it turns me off completely and I just can't be bothered once I see that with that person 

[dramafreezone]

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking if he's seeing others.   He shouldn't be expected to give you full details of what he's doing, but if he dodges the question and won't even give you a yes/no answer, it shows that he's the kind of guy who isn't relationship worthy.  

He's updating his Tinder profile.  Why not assume he's seeing other people?  What's the upside in making that a discussion?

The one answer that presumably would be the one she wants to hear would probably be a lie.  Or he could be telling the truth and she still doesn't believe him.

Edited September 28, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

He's updating his Tinder profile.  Why not assume he's seeing other people?  What's the upside in making that a discussion?

What's the upside of not discussing it?  It shouldn't be this big heavy "where are we going talk," but at the very least you can discuss whether or not your having sex with others, I mean why the hell not talk about it?

I don't get your mindset of not communicating, being secretive about it, for what purpose?

It's wrong to assume they are (having sex with others) just because he/she updated a dating profile.  But they might be, so ASK, talk about it.  I don't get what folks are so afraid of.  You're having sex, you should be able to communicate about such things imo.

You don't need to present the discussion in a demanding, accusatory manner, as if to suggest he (or she) is doing something wrong, but rather to gain clarity, that's what people do when building a connection and emotional intimacy, they communicate.

Avoidance serves absolutely no worthwhile or positive purpose.  

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields