jerrygordon3 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 So my GF has had a couple blow up moments where she was impulsive and didnt end the relationship but seemed like she would. She later apologized and was very sincere about it. Shes really good to me and we get along great. I've never lost my temper with her, but yesterday I was strapped for cash on my card and we were going to a BBQ with her friends. First time I asked her to pay for the groceries, she agreed although I said I can go home and get my cash, she said no I can get it of course. The time to leave came and she lost her card, I was irritated because I wanted to go, she tried to back out of going because she was worried about money. I was quiet and a little frustrated. she found 20 bucks and we went and got the beer. I checked my card and I had enough to cover it I was just unfomfortable cause I'd been paying for everything and was almost maxed out. So before she could pay I just said I would pay. she was like oh so you have money? I was about to let her spend the rest of her money and she had no card. dick move on my part but I wasnt thinking, it wasnt out of me being malicious I was just frustrated and not thinking about that. She refused to let me pay and then was sort of quiet and indifferent all day. First time I met these friends of hers. We went to leave at night and she told me to go home. I argued with her and said we can talk at her house and then Ill go home. we went home, she told me why she was mad, and i was like ya i honestly didnt even think about that, that was a dick move im super sorry. I apologized like 20 times and spent a few hours at night and an hour in the morning trying to talk to her and apologizing and she wouldnt even look at me. told me I should leave cause she just needs time to cool down. When she has her blow up moments, she apologizes, I work through it, accept the apology and we continue our relationship. but when i did this im getting the silent treatment for 24 hours. I texted her that I was sorry again but I'm sad about the situation and that I love her and want to talk. But, part of me feels like shes acting like a little spoiled princess and should GTFOver it.
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Money causes more strife in relationships than any other subject. It sounds like you could both use some polish to your money management skills It's time to have a conversation about the cost in this relationship. There are always diplomatic ways to resolve conflict. These blow ups are troubling.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 27, 2021 Author Posted September 27, 2021 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Money causes more strife in relationships than any other subject. It sounds like you could both use some polish to your money management skills It's time to have a conversation about the cost in this relationship. There are always diplomatic ways to resolve conflict. These blow ups are troubling. she has this tendency to be really impulsive and shes brought it up; she is aware of it. It just worries me because shes really serious about me and is talking about moving in eventually and the future.
clia Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 You did nothing wrong other than coddle her enough that she expects that you will pay for everything. In fact, she should be stepping up and offering to pay, and I can't even believe she has the audacity to be upset with you over this. She invites you to meet her friends, at their barbecue, and she can't even cover the beer? Hell no. Why are you putting up with this? 7
glows Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 It's probably the principle that upsets her. You gave the impression that you didn't have cash but you did, despite being low on it. That was deceiving. Both of you don't have enough boundaries or aren't firm enough about them. You are both low on cash but promising to go to social events that require some purchases. I think it's good of you both not to have gone empty-handed so that is something that you both agree on. Next time be more honest about your financial situation or where you stand ahead of time if you anticipate purchases like this. If she insisted that you go home, don't push the matter and go home. Time out also and think of a better way to handle these kinds of situations. Both of you may be piling on too much. Slow things down in the relationship. 1 1
DividedTrail Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 Your post was a little hard to follow. So she was mad, not because you asked her to cover the groceries this time but because she felt you led her to believe you didn’t have the cash to cover and then it turns out you did? I agree with others that the both of you need to figure out your finances and do some budgeting if $20.00 is causing this much of a ruckus. If you two want to live together, you better damn well talk about who is paying for what and what to do if one of you is short on occasion. Now for your girlfriends behavior. This wasn’t that big of a deal unless there is more pent up frustration for some reason. If you felt like you did something wrong, it’s fine to apologize once or twice. But anymore than that is entering chump (I’m not big on these terms but I didn’t know what word to call it) territory. If she is adamant that you just go home and she isn’t being reasonable, just go home and give her space. It’s good she apologizes when she flies off the handle but you shouldn’t feed into pleasing or placating her when she is being unreasonable IMO. My wife acted like that at times when we were dating. I got to the point where I would just look at her like, really? That disagreement is worth all this carrying on? If I did something wrong I would apologize but there is a point where it’s like enough already.
Wiseman2 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 4 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: It just worries me because shes really serious about me and is talking about moving in eventually and the future. Sorry this happened. Seems you have differing money styles and expectations. Is this the same woman?:
basil67 Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 You were in the wrong because you lied to get her to pay. If you want to have her pay more, this is totally reasonable, but lying isn't the way to make that happen. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2021 Posted September 27, 2021 5 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: she has this tendency to be really impulsive and shes brought it up; she is aware of it. It just worries me because shes really serious about me and is talking about moving in eventually and the future. I would definitely talk about money before I moved in with somebody. Impulsive can be fun not when it's unreliable. I assume neither of you had beer money this weekend because it was the end of the month & you already paid September's rent but where does that leave you with October? (question is rhetorical; please don't answer such a personal financial Q on a public message board). My point remains you two have a lot of tough discussions ahead if you want to move forward together.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 28, 2021 Author Posted September 28, 2021 So I make ok money, but I just didnt have my wallet on me just my CC. anyways she treated me like the enemy and shunned me and was ice cold. then last night I finally called her out and said in an adult relationship we need to talk about things and that I love her she cant just shun me. she told me she was wrong to choose me and the relatioship is over then blocked me. then today she messaged me saying i hurt her so bad and broke her heart even though i had been begging her to talk to me and work through the problem. shes the love of my life. she refused to say sorry and just kept circling back to the fact that i didnt initially offer to pay. but i did eventually and even offered to give her cash until she got a new card if we could just take a cab to my house. but she just made excuses for blowing up and i finally got tired of arguing and it seemed the problem was over. Then she started asking me about the house I own and how I need to sell it because of the renter situation during covid. the conversation ended at about 10 pm and then she didnt respond, i sent her a message and noticed she blocked me again. and im still blocked on IG. a few days ago i was on top of the world thinking I had met my dream girl now Im starting to think im dating someone with BPD or narcissistic traits. I'm wondering if shes with someone else right now. why would she unblock me talk to me tell me she loved me more than anyone in her life, and then block me again?
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 28, 2021 Author Posted September 28, 2021 On 9/28/2021 at 1:13 AM, d0nnivain said: I would definitely talk about money before I moved in with somebody. Impulsive can be fun not when it's unreliable. I assume neither of you had beer money this weekend because it was the end of the month & you already paid September's rent but where does that leave you with October? (question is rhetorical; please don't answer such a personal financial Q on a public message board). My point remains you two have a lot of tough discussions ahead if you want to move forward together. she also says she never wants me to post on social media about us
DividedTrail Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 I read a lot on here about people being blocked after an argument. Is this the modern day cold shoulder? It's so childish... I haven't read any of your past topics but it sounds like you need to tighten your shoe laces and run from this one. I'm not sure how old you are or how long you have been dating but when things are this chaotic and if my partner was telling me I need to sell my house essentially for her, especially right after a stupid argument. I'd be out. 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 Yeah I’m a girl and I can see she is expecting you to hold the wallet and pay for everything. You are just enabling bad behavior. Ignore her and block her. I bet she will eventually come around and apologize make some temporary changes then go back to being the same. decide what kind of life you want for yourself. Come on she got this upset over spending 20 buck????? Like Wow. 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 29, 2021 Author Posted September 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, DividedTrail said: I read a lot on here about people being blocked after an argument. Is this the modern day cold shoulder? It's so childish... I haven't read any of your past topics but it sounds like you need to tighten your shoe laces and run from this one. I'm not sure how old you are or how long you have been dating but when things are this chaotic and if my partner was telling me I need to sell my house essentially for her, especially right after a stupid argument. I'd be out. ive been reading a lot about the narc cycles and it seems pretty spot on. I met my soul mate, shes everything ive ever wanted, then suddenly ive disaoppointed her how dare i, sort of thing. it makes no sense, goes in circles, i call her out on her behavior, she dumps me. its scary. and also really sad cause I really was working super hard to move forward. she has been asking me a lot about my income and seems to really ask about it in depth. but she says its not important but worries about how I will support a family. I just started a business a year ago and quite my job so im in the fledgling stage. she knows this and i obviously expect my partner to understand this and support me. but she seems to just not be convinced
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 29, 2021 Author Posted September 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Yeah I’m a girl and I can see she is expecting you to hold the wallet and pay for everything. You are just enabling bad behavior. Ignore her and block her. I bet she will eventually come around and apologize make some temporary changes then go back to being the same. decide what kind of life you want for yourself. Come on she got this upset over spending 20 buck????? Like Wow. ya so I pay for almost everything, I asked her to pay cause my card was almost maxed out OR we could take a taxi to my place before the BBQ and I could get my cash. SHe said she would pay then lost her card and said we just wont go. i got irritated and said no ill get my cash. i even offered to give her cash until she could get another card. somehow she spetn 36 hours treating me like her enemy, dumped me, blocked me, then unblocked me and made me feel like I was so horribel to her and she didnt do anything wrong.
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 29, 2021 Author Posted September 29, 2021 i feel heartbroken, discarded like a bad habit by someone I thought truly loved me. Im confused and emotionally drained, and have been chain smoking, having horrible sleep and having trouble eating. I also had a pretty abusive childhood, was in a long term relationship with the BOSS of narcs, and was diagnosed with PTSD after the war. I've had a lot of emotional struggles in my life and Im a nice guy but I seem to fall for bad girls. But my mental health is really important for me considering my past and how hard i've had to work for it. all my exes have told me its hard to sleep next to me because I twitch all night long and flail my arms and I have pretty shitty nightmares. so now im sleeping worse and its 3 am and im wide awake clenching my jaw chain smoking.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: ya so I pay for almost everything, I asked her to pay cause my card was almost maxed out OR we could take a taxi to my place before the BBQ and I could get my cash. SHe said she would pay then lost her card and said we just wont go. i got irritated and said no ill get my cash. i even offered to give her cash until she could get another card. somehow she spetn 36 hours treating me like her enemy, dumped me, blocked me, then unblocked me and made me feel like I was so horribel to her and she didnt do anything wrong. So what will your life be like if you marry her? she will be back so you should really do the work internally to decide if to continue or not. I’m a good looking girl and work and pay my own way. I’ve never expected a man to pay for things for me. Sharing a life is just that …sharing.
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 She sounds like a gold digging drama queen. I realize you are hurting but honestly I think you dodged a bullet. 1
DividedTrail Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 (edited) jerrygordon3, I'm so sorry you are going through this. She is not making you feel good and I think you probably need to let this one go. I've never served but I have worked with the military and veterans for many years in a non mental health support capacity. You are probably aware but the VA has several resources if you need to talk with someone. Please reach out. If not to them, to your buddies that can relate and support you. I can't post the link but go to the VA site and click the red banner at the top for support information. Edited September 29, 2021 by DividedTrail 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 5 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said: i feel heartbroken, discarded like a bad habit by someone I thought truly loved me. Im confused and emotionally drained, and have been chain smoking, having horrible sleep and having trouble eating. I also had a pretty abusive childhood, was in a long term relationship with the BOSS of narcs, and was diagnosed with PTSD after the war. I've had a lot of emotional struggles in my life and Im a nice guy but I seem to fall for bad girls. But my mental health is really important for me considering my past and how hard i've had to work for it. all my exes have told me its hard to sleep next to me because I twitch all night long and flail my arms and I have pretty shitty nightmares. so now im sleeping worse and its 3 am and im wide awake clenching my jaw chain smoking. Sorry you are going through that. Break ups are hard. Being treated badly also causes emotional pain. Only you can save yourself from bad treatment. If you can, try to go talk to someone. A therapist can really do wonders to help you to release the chains you have put on yourself. It took me many years to take the time to do it. I wish I did it sooner. I lost a lot of time that I could have been happy instead of being in turmoil. 1
DividedTrail Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 jerrygordon3, I'm so sorry you are going through this. She is not making you feel good and I think you probably need to let this one go. I've never served but I have worked with the military and veterans for many years in a non mental health support capacity. You are probably aware but the VA has several resources if you need to talk with someone. Please reach out. If not to them, to your buddies that can relate and support you. I can't post the link but go to the VA site and click the red banner at the top for support information.
DividedTrail Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 jerrygordon3, So I just realized you said that it is 3AM where you are so maybe you aren't a veteran of the US military. Regardless, please reach out to friends at the very least. You will get through this.
Caauug Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 On 9/27/2021 at 11:44 PM, jerrygordon3 said: Shes really good to me and we get along great. The hook is well bedded in... On 9/28/2021 at 12:27 AM, jerrygordon3 said: she has this tendency to be really impulsive and shes brought it up; she is aware of it. She has needs, or maybe it's habits that are red flags??? 4 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: she told me she was wrong to choose me and the relatioship is over then blocked me. then today she messaged me saying i hurt her so bad and broke her heart..... she refused to say sorry and just kept circling back to the fact that i didnt initially offer to pay. She has boundaries and she is firm with you paying one way or the other.... You have to give her credit for not wavering... And the punishment is high, how good is that hook in? 4 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: Then she started asking me about the house I own and how I need to sell it because of the renter situation during covid. This could be away to make it up to her, sell the house, get her moved in, get joint bank account so she has money, from your house. Or get her moved in then after she's classed as common law, or de facto, buy new house then she can D rape you, better if she had a kid or two by then. It's a little strange she brings this up while she's mad at you??? Book a visit to the local D attorney, and get up to speed what your local laws, with that house after a R split. Protect it if you can. Being reactive may not work very well in the future. 4 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said: i feel heartbroken, discarded like a bad habit by someone I thought truly loved me. No, Men and women are different, we think differently, we have different needs and that makes us love differently. Your GF does not love you the same as you love her. Men value love, women love value. It's part of human nature. It's time to look after No#1 in your life, YOU!!! Start exercising, get into shape, quite smoking and loose any other bad habits. Start eating properly, you can't look after anyone else is you don't look after yourself. You need to get control of your life, get direction, work on you. Be the best you can. Do it for you!!!
Author jerrygordon3 Posted September 29, 2021 Author Posted September 29, 2021 Shes from Ukraine, I live here. Men paying is customary but this sort of love you hate you behavior isnt normal anywhere. well it is but its toxic and unhealthy. she showed me this good life and now doesnt seem interested because I dissapointed her over a financial dispute that could have been talked about in 5 minutes.
glows Posted September 29, 2021 Posted September 29, 2021 (edited) She seems immature and unkind to you. You know you have a pattern of choosing partners like this so step back and let yourself recover. I’m not in the habit of diagnosing or calling anyone who disagrees or behaves poorly a “narcissist”. I suggest you don’t go down that rabbit hole. Take time to rethink what this relationship meant to you and how it impacts you if you continue to have her in your life. Don’t respond to the pain right now by trying to reach out to her. Get your finances in order and return to ship shape, feel good about yourself before pursuing anyone else. Move on from this person. She doesn’t sound interested in you as a person. This past issue with purchases is a build up of resentments in the relationship. It’s not about the beer. She’s deeply resentful and you can choose to walk away from that as neither of you are happy. When you’re ready find someone else who is equally loving, giving or able to share their life. Put this behind you and move on. Edited September 29, 2021 by glows 1
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