Catfishing in a wheelchair?

[ohso]

I'll try to be politically correct, I don't want to offend anyone, but please hear me out. I've never been in such situation before. 

I was meeting a guy on one site where people are looking for a date, but also just people to hang out with as friends. This guy was looking for a date, but we agreed to meet as friends. I saw his fb profile, pictures and all. I was specifically searching for a friend to go hiking with. 

On the day when we agreed to meet, he was waiting for me sitting behind the table, I could only see his upper body like on photos. When I got close, he rolled out and I saw he was in wheelchair. Of course I was surprised but I tried not to show it. I wasn't mad that he didn't tell me about it but it felt weird. I had no idea how hard it is for him to move, how long can he go and so on. I asked him about it, but he started bragging how he once hiked for hours and so on. I saw he was torturing himself and sweating a lot and wanting to take a rest a lot. He refused my help.

Now, I don't know what to do. We didn't bond much over nothing and even if he wasn't in a wheelchair I don't know if we would continue a friendship. Also I really like to hike and I wanted a new friend for that, but that can't be. He obviously lies he is ok with hiking (it was more like a walk, don't worry), but it was very hard for him. I felt very uncomfortable watching that. Other people were also staring. Not that I care, but you know, it was strange. It maybe looked to them like it was my fault, like why am i letting this happen. 

Also I think he should have told me about his condition before we met. I still don't even know his story, he didn't tell me. Also, I think he is catfishing girls like that. I don't want to be cruel, I know it's hard, but I felt manipulated. 

Now I also feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with him for many reasons besides his coondition. Any advice and opinions would be nice please? Thanks.

Edited September 27, 2021 by ohso

[Alvi]

He should've been honest and upfront about his condition to you from the start. In other words, he lied and mislead you. It is no different as lets say, you went out and found out on a date that a guy is married.

4 hours ago, ohso said:

Now I also feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with him for many reasons besides his coondition.

Why are you feeling guilty? None of this is your fault. Maybe, that is what he wants, for you to feel guilty enough to actually date him.

[Wiseman2]

Join  groups and clubs in real life an on line that are specifically for the specific interest and purpose you seek.

 You say this is a general dating/friendship site? Get off of it and join specific thing for specific reason to avoid this type of confusion.

 If you want a date, go on quality dating apps. If you want hikes, choose an outdoor club.

While he misrepresented himself, was it clear this was for hiking only? 

 Are you presenting yourself accurately that it's for hiking or are you using a sort of shotgun approach of" if I get a date, or friend, hiking pal, whatever"?

[glows]

5 hours ago, ohso said:

Now I also feel guilty for not wanting to hang out with him for many reasons besides his coondition. Any advice and opinions would be nice please? Thanks.

You want a hiking partner. He is not a hiking partner. Find a hiking partner with similar likes/fitness or experience level as you. You would have more luck joining a hiking group and meeting others. Not everyone will be at the same fitness or experience level or want to do the same hikes either even if you do join a group or meet others also looking for the same. I'd remove this person as a contact and block that contact. He doesn't warrant any special treatment because he is in a wheelchair. Both of you aren't compatible as hiking partners. 

[balletomane]

The fact that he uses a wheelchair is not the issue. The issue is that he wasn't upfront about his hiking abilities with you. This may be because he's relatively newly disabled and still coming to terms with the change in his life, or because he's boastful and overestimated his own skill. Plenty of able-bodied people are like that. I do equestrian sports and you wouldn't believe the number of people who insist they can ride just because they once sat on a pony as a child. The problem here is this mismatch in your expectations, abilities, and definition of a hike (maybe to him, a walk is a hike).

While I think he should have been clearer with you on what he can and can't do, I don't think he owed you a heads up about the wheelchair. People can be very patronising and prejudiced about disabled people and this may be why he didn't want to share the details before you've even seen him - so as not to be pre-judged. Some of those patronising and prejudiced attitudes are already appearing in this thread. He agreed to meet you as a friend, but we have posters wondering if he was trying to manipulate you into a pity date, as though he's desperate enough to fall for any woman who takes a friendly interest in his company, and he can't get dates except through dishonest guilt tripping. That says more about their attitudes to wheelchair users than it says about his motives, frankly.

Your discomfort with the staring passers-by and your sense that they were judging you for "allowing" him to walk is also quite condescending. He's a grown adult. Having physical limitations doesn't mean he needs permission from someone else before he can take a walk. If other people think that way, it's on them. It's not his issue or yours. He'll be used to getting judgey stares, because this happens to wheelchair users all the time. It's not his responsibility to pre-empt and placate your discomfort with something that's not within his power to change, but is within your power to ignore.

You don't have to be friends with him if you don't want. He doesn't need a pity friend any more than he needs a pity partner. There was a definite clash of needs and expectations here, but you weren't catfished, and he didn't owe you his disability story when you were still a stranger to him.

Edited September 27, 2021 by balletomane

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ohso said:

but it was very hard for him. I felt very uncomfortable watching that. Other people were also staring. Not that I care, but you know, it was strange. It maybe looked to them like it was my fault, like why am i letting this happen. 

Pretty much everyone who's got a physical disability gets stared at or receives stupid, uncaring remarks from the general public.  He probably would have received the same stares if you weren't there.   It wasn't about you.

 

[xxcazaxx]

22 hours ago, balletomane said:

While I think he should have been clearer with you on what he can and can't do, I don't think he owed you a heads up about the wheelchair. People can be very patronising and prejudiced about disabled people and this may be why he didn't want to share the details before you've even seen him - so as not to be pre-judged.

100% agree with this.

[Classicfiction]

I can see both sides on this.  He may have been forthcoming with his disability at first and not gotten too many responses so decided to not mention it.  I can't imagine how hard that would be on OLD with the way people are.  And of course he has a right to reveal as much as he wants prior to meeting up.  However, I think most people would be caught off guard by that situation.

I feel like some people are reacting to the OP like she was unkind to the guy, but sounds like she was made uncomfortable by him revealing his status in such a way.  I can understand that.  She wasn't expecting it.  

[Alfano]

He'd probably beat you on the downhill portion of the hike.