JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Ok the other night, I noticed hubby looked a little down and out. So I asked him if something was bothering him. He waited a few minutes before answering like always. Maybe to gather the info he needs to say or HOW to say it. Anyway he tells me, he is so sick of the lack of sex, that he thinks he should just go out and get it from someone else! I was hurt and shocked by his comment. Yes our sex life is slack and for years, not weeks, or months but years I have tried to tell him and show him what I want/need. I would like that emotional connection which I think most women do. We have been to counseling for this as well. I used to think maybe he didn't know how to connect emotionally. However like the counselor said people can't use that excuse or as a crutch but for so long especailly since I did tell him/ show him how and what I wanted and needed. There comes a time I feel that he either gets what I'm trying to say/show or he doesn't. He either connects with me emotionally or is willing to learn or he doesn't. I think all he sees is that the sex isn't as freuquent as he would like for it to. Its like he has blinders on and sees what only he wants reguardless of what has been shown and told. I have tried giving it to him alot, because its what he wants. But what about me and my emotional needs? Are they being meant even after I give and give? Nope! I feel like for so long I have tried and done my part only to get a slap in the face comment like he said to me about getting it somewhere else. In 13 years of being together he has never said anything like that. I understand he might feel sexually frustrated, but I'm frustrated too. At least he gets a release from time to time from me while I feel like I get nothing. There comes a time when you get tired of giving and never getting. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I have told him and shown him about emotional love/bonding and what I would like etc. I simply do not know if he just doesn't get it, or if he does, and isn't willing to change. You know if he could just put forth a little effort in the emotional needs department he might be surprised at what it could do for him, and us a whole. Any suggestions? Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 can you elaborate on your emotional needs? Please be specific about exactly what you want from him so that I can understand. I read your post, and it isn't clear to me what exactly it is that can do for you but won't?
933KJL Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 First off I would give him credit for saying it. Hurtful or not. Would it not have been easier to simply have gone out and found some more sex? ANd then where would you have been. While I am sure it is not one sided, some of your comments make it seem that way. He either connects with me emotionally or is willing to learn or he doesn't. Ultimatums will rarely work. Its like he has blinders on and sees what only he wants reguardless of what has been shown and told Sounds like you are trying to housebreak a puppy. I have told him and shown him about emotional love/bonding and what I would like etc. I simply do not know if he just doesn't get it, or if he does, and isn't willing to change. Obviously this is a two way street and your emotional needs aren't being met and neither are his sexual needs. You say you want him to change for you--sounds pretty one way to me. Give me what I want and maybe I will give you what you want. Marraige and relationships are not about seeing who can change the other the fastest or the most...it is about compromise, and learning and growing together. I think you two ought to continue the counseling and hope that it works out.
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 Well what I mean by emotional needs and what others emotional needs may be might be different for different people. Mine are things such as, being here for me, listening and hear what it is a have said. Not brush it off as nothing. Helping more around the house, and with the kids. Cuddling/hugging etc. Actually what I'm asking of him is not that hard. Even the counselor has said that before. I'm not asking for it ALL the time but sometimes would be nice. Jade
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I know exactly what she is talking about. It's the closeness, the need to be needed, heard, understood and appreciated. The give and take thing. Jade, all I can tell you is I've been where you are and speak from your heart. Don't get mad, don't fight, just pure honesty. Pick a day, not evening or night, to spend some time together and really talk this out. Tell him what your needs are and what he can do to meet them. He has to meet you in the middle. Each of you have to compromise and work together to make the marriage work well. Feel free to PM me if you need some more thoughts on this.
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 KJL I didn't give him an ultimatium, I was meaning that when I said, he either connects with me or he doesn't, in the since that people either get with the program or they don't. They either want to give/help/work on the marriage or they don't. Thats my point on that. The way I see it is because he does none of this that says to me he doesn't really wont to work on things all he wants is his sexual needs meant. Yes you're correct maybe I should give him credit for saying what he said. Maybe it was a long time a coming. I see I got or get no credit for trying to help him/show him how I feel and the fact I want things to work. I see I get no credit for 13 years of trying to communicate with him and then he tells me he might as well get it from someone else, but yet he gets credit for that. Thanks. Jade
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 I know exactly what she is talking about. It's the closeness, the need to be needed, heard, understood and appreciated. The give and take thing. Jade, all I can tell you is I've been where you are and speak from your heart. Don't get mad, don't fight, just pure honesty. Pick a day, not evening or night, to spend some time together and really talk this out. Tell him what your needs are and what he can do to meet them. He has to meet you in the middle. Each of you have to compromise and work together to make the marriage work well. Feel free to PM me if you need some more thoughts on this. Exactly! Thanks WWIU glad someone sees where I'm coming from. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I'll tell you a little story about my husband and I. Having been raised by a single mom, I missed out on a lot of relationship training that you get by watching married couples interact. As a woman I can say that we tend to not just want something of our spouses, but we want them to KNOW what we want. Women are intuitive. A girlfriend can call us up and say "I had the worst day" and we know exactly what to do. Most men haven't had this kind of "emotional training". When you say you've had a bad day, they want to know exactly what they can do to help. I say this because for many years my husband and I had trouble with this same thing. I felt like he didn't care enough about my needs and didn't want to do the things I wanted him to do. But when I thought about it honestly, what I wanted was for him to anticipate my needs or CARE ENOUGH about me to know what I needed and wanted and do it for me. After many years, I learned to ask specifically for what I wanted. I wanted to feel like he was on my team. (The guys love the sports analogy). So I will come home sometimes and want to talk about something that happend during my day. I will tell him: just listen and tell me that you're on my side. And he does. Or I say, what I really need tonight is for you to clean the kitchen. I don't know, it probably sounds overly simplistic, but I just wasn't good at specifically asking for what I wanted. He was terrible at reading my mind. I think most men want to do what will make their women happy, I just think they don't always know what it is. They don't want to anticipate. They don't want to guess. It doesn't sound romantic to ask for every little thing you want and need. But if you are specific, it may be easier for him to do. I don't think most men understand "be supportive". But if you tell him, listen to my story and tell me that you're on my side and love me, he might be able to?
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I don't know, it probably sounds overly simplistic, but I just wasn't good at specifically asking for what I wanted. He was terrible at reading my mind. I think most men want to do what will make their women happy, I just think they don't always know what it is. They don't want to anticipate. Yup so true. My hubby is pretty supportive and understanding most of the time, but there are those moments when I get that blank look from him. Then, I know and I have to tell him what is going on inside my head. He has told me he can't read my mind, and even though I think he should just know, he doesn't! Men like it simple. Something is wrong, say it, get to the point, don't drag it out. Fix it and be done with it.
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 So true and I unerstand what you all are saying. I know hes not a mind reader, however the fact is he has been told/shown by me what I feel is lacking. The counselor has even given him and example with his own homelife. He has told my husband that, he (the counselor) if he does the least little thing for his wife, be it fold the laundry or dust, maybe help out with the kids etc, then shes happy, she gets what she wanted/needed and he does too. I feel with my husband though, all he sees is the lack of sex, never the whole picture and that there maybe a reason behind the lack of sex, not just because I don't want too. He did tell me once he thought it was cuz I just didn't want too, after I explained to him why there was lack of sex. I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, its like "What part does he not understand?" If I never talked to him or communicated how I feel to him, then I might could see why he feels the way he does, but the thing is I have communicated this to him. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Are you not wanting to have sex with him because he isn't doing what you want him to do for you? Does that make him angry? That you are witholding sex in order to make him understand you? I have been in that same position with my husband. It is a vicious cycle. I don't know how to respond to that. Sex is very important to my man. Not to say it isn't to me, but I can go with less than he can. And if I am upset or distracted, it doesn't even come mind. But for him, he can't cope with life's ups and down with sex. He needs it to feel like he is functioning normally. So when I am upset, I can't "get it up" emotionally, and the less sex he gets, the more he fixates and obsesses. Around and around we go. Eventually we worked it out. For the most part. Have you asked him why he won't help you with the things you want? What does he say?
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 I don't withhold sex, its just not that often. I think maybe part of it too, is that theres some resentment there on my part. Resentment for him not connecting with me, especailly after it has been shown and told. I feel like when I talk with him I'm blowing in the wind, and that nothing I say or do matters to him. Yes I have asked him why he doesn't connect with me etc, he says he doesn't know why. Maybe he doesn't or maybe he just doesn't want to say. Not sure. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Well I don't know then. He probably thinks that you are witholding the sex to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Why he doesn't want to is another question altogether. You said you've been married for 13 years. Has he always been like this? Has there been a change? When did the change happen?
hooghie Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I think maybe part of it too, is that theres some resentment there on my part. Resentment for him not connecting with me, especailly after it has been shown and told. I feel like when I talk with him I'm blowing in the wind, and that nothing I say or do matters to him. Yes I have asked him why he doesn't connect with me etc, he says he doesn't know why. Maybe he doesn't or maybe he just doesn't want to say. Not sure. Jade I had this same issue with my ex and eventually left him. Suddenly- he wanted to talk and work through our issues. For me, it was way too late. For you- it's probably not. Maybe you guys can seek some counseling? If he doesn't connect with you AND practically suggesting cheating on you- you need to do something quickly if you want to try and save your marriage.
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 Well I don't know then. He probably thinks that you are witholding the sex to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Why he doesn't want to is another question altogether. You said you've been married for 13 years. Has he always been like this? Has there been a change? When did the change happen? No not always, for 8 years out of the 13 its been like this. It all started after our son was born he is 8, and it seemed to go down hill from there. Hi hooghie we have been to counseling. I still go from time to time for individual counseling, but hubby stopped going after the counselor hit the nail on the head with a few things, basically he stepped on his toes and told him things he didn't want to hear. Guess the truth hurts. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 It is so common to have these problems when you have children. Women change when they have kids. Their expectations for their mates change when they have kids. I think men have a particulary tough time with this. The entire relationship changes. When our son was young was hardest time of our marriage. Now that he is older, we have become close again because we can put the time now into the relationship. Do you ever get a chance to get away just the two of you?
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 It is so common to have these problems when you have children. Women change when they have kids. Their expectations for their mates change when they have kids. I think men have a particulary tough time with this. The entire relationship changes. When our son was young was hardest time of our marriage. Now that he is older, we have become close again because we can put the time now into the relationship. Do you ever get a chance to get away just the two of you? Yes we have time together. My parents keep the kids every so often and we have what you call date night. We go out to eat or rent a movie etc. Sometimes he can be loving/caring but its like when date night is over so to speak things go right back to the way they were. My counselor made a good point when he said how important it was for couples to spend quality time together, BUT, he also said that it was important to act the same way, do the same things etc at home as you do when you're out. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 what about a longer term get away? A few days or a week? Maybe I'm grasping at straws here. Have you straight out asked him if he wants to be in the marriage? These questions are tricky because you don't want to sound accusatory or hysterical. Maybe you need a new counselor?
Author JadeStar Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 I don't think we need a new counselor. I think he feels he has done or said what needed to be. A counselor can't do but so much the real work has to come from both parties. I feel I have been doing and still doing mine. I have point blank asked him before if he wants to be married, there was a time he said he didn't know, and then later on I asked again a few months later and he said yes. As far as a long term get away, that was recent like about a month ago went away together just us two to the mountains, for 4 days. . I don't know, maybe its me, maybe I expect to much, and maybe thats something either he feels he can't give or wont. Jade
CarmenIbanez Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Okay, here is a different way of looking at it. Have you considered giving up? I mean, I hate to say it like that. But have you considered just accepting that he is the way he is, and just moving on within the relationship with your life? Do you work outside the home? If not, maybe its time to take a class at night? I don't want to sound glib. I am actually giving you advice of things that I have done in the past during my marriage (16 years, so I know what you're going through). What would he do if you just said, hey, good luck with the kids tonight, I have a french class. Or whatever? Maybe you should actually take a break from trying to fix the marriage and focus some time on yourself. If he doesn't give it to you, take it!
lilmoma1973 Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Hey Jadestar i can so relate with you are you sure we aren't married to the same man but with different names...LOL ... No seriously it sounds like my situation and what i think is our men take us for granted and don't care about our feelings ..My h and i don't have sex as often as he likes but thats because why i also don't get that emotional need met and i feel the same as you.. I have a friend with the same situation and she feels the same as we both do so no i don't think you are asking for too much !!! She says all he thinks is about his hobby and doesn't help around the house unless she bitches or naggs .. I tell her that i do the same but when it comes to the hobby it is more important than the family is .. I can't understand why some men feel that we have to do all the house work because we stay at home !!!!! Where is our respect for what we do? My h says all the time "its his money" and he will do what he wants with it... So i told him where is my paycheck for the work i do around here... He couldn't answer.. I do basically everything around here besides bring in the money.. I am so sick of some men thinking they can come and go as they please and never needing no answering!!! I have a daughter and ss and i have raised ss while he was doing his band and get no credit for what i gave up to do for ss .. I now am doing everything for my daughter while h is still in the band... My h spends many hrs on computer promoting this band and i feel it isn't more important than needs in the home .. I know now we will always come last when it comes to his band!!!!! We have been to counseling and counselor stepped on h toes so he won't go back!! Good luck hang in there im me and we will chat about our situations can so relate to you
slubberdegullion Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 ... here goes. From a man's perspective, he'll feel like cuddling and helping out around the house etc. when he feels wanted and appreciated, and that very often means sex. But from a woman's perspective (at least the women that I have known) they seem to want all the cuddling etc. before "allowing" sex. Now, it's not like some sort of game whereby sex is the prize for playing well, or some sort of reward if he helps with the dishes or the kids. It's simply a matter of understanding where he's coming from. He probably feels rejected, frustrated and lonely, therefore he's putting less into the relationship than you would like. But once you start lovemaking, his feelings of acceptance and caring will return, and he'll be more inclined to work on the relationship. Good luck.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 I'm sorry but i think that intimacy begins outside the bedroom as well as in the bedroom ... I disagree with you totally ...Jade has stated that she has given her h sex alot and it still changes nothing !! My h is the same way as her h .. He will get be nice till he gets it once he does he goes back to his same ways!! In our expierence our men aren't like you ... I think my h needs some lessons from Moose he is like a man i would like to have!! He has respect and consideration for his wife unlike my h .. He can learn alot from Moose ..I always like to see what he has to say in posts !!!
RecordProducer Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Hi Jade, I have a question for you. Do you have sexual needs generally, but not towards him or do you just not need sex at all? When I was with my first BF after a few years I started fantasizing about another man (a Hollywood actor whose face was borrowed to play my imaginary Mr. Right). I stopped desiring my ex-BF. We still had sex regularly, but I know why I didn't want him; no foreplay, no oral from him, he would finish in 5-10 minutes, and always came to me when I was absolutely not in the mood and would bug me and chase me until he gets it or I get totally mad at him. Plus his whole personality turned me off, but I was young and didn't know any better. There's a big difference between low (or non-existent) sex drive and lack of desire specifically for your husband.
hooghie Posted October 20, 2005 Posted October 20, 2005 Hi Jade, There's a big difference between low (or non-existent) sex drive and lack of desire specifically for your husband. EXACTLY. That is exactly what happened with me and my ex. I was SOOOOOO horney during the last year or two we were together, but not for him. I even preferred watching movies with Ron Jeremy over being intimate with him.
Recommended Posts