Has anyone who's drawn to emotionally unavailable partners ended up happy in a 'healthy' relationship?

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

One bit of clarity I’ve had: I think that this guy has borderline personality disorder. Abandoning his wife and young child for “no reason”/“because I’m selfish,” then suddenly leaving the firm that really invested in him in the new faraway city after less than a year and going to yet another new job… telling me in the very same convo that 1) he didn’t want sex from me and didn’t “need it” or felt guilty and 2) that he wanted sex with me and inviting me over?
I just wish I could’ve been better and stuck by him even though he constantly insisted we were only friends and he didn’t want a relationship w any one. Maybe if I had just proven myself as not going anywhere no matter what, he would’ve eventually gotten attached to me and committed 

Nah, he's not BPD.

Just your average, run-of-the-mill "commitmentphobe."   As those with serious issues/fears surrounding relationships and commitment are commonly referred to.

Who by the way, are often confused with being sociopathic as their behavior is often mean, cruel, selfish, mentally abusive. 

But they're not sociopathic, not clinically.  It's their fears and anxiety driving their ship. 

Read up on it. Re bolded, can almost guarantee had you done that, you wouid precipitated him bolting faster.

The reason he stuck around for as long as he did was precisely because you were NOT trying to "prove" yourself in that way.

Prove your love, prove how understanding you are, prove how much you cared for him.

Those behaviors are actually what he fears and will run from!!  It's the exact opposite of what you're thinking.

Read up on it!!  Don't get why some folks are so averse to reading -- books, articles, the internet, watching videos.  I recommend Esther Perel for starters

I learned much of what I know about men, women, interpersonal relationships, human behavior and life from reading!   That and actual experience.

Anyway, I believe you are somewhat addicted to this man.  Google love addiction, it's very real. 

As such, like any "drug" and he IS your drug of choice, you might always crave him, long for him, knowing full well how bad he is for you. At least on some level.  That's how addiction works.

However, once recovered, it will subside some. 

Seek professional help to help you understand and cope. 

And read, read, read anything and everything you can get your hands on.

Knowledgeable is powerful!!

 

 

Edited October 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[financial_ad429]

Thank you, that’s really excellent insight. Really, then, how could I ever have gotten what I wanted (a relationship, him not bolting)? I tried to be very understanding, seeing him for over a year with no commitment, ignoring when he kept me hidden from everyone, and if I so much as said I thought he’d want to spend the weekend together (not mandate it, get upset/ yell/etc) after being gone w his family and not seeing for 2 months instead of going on a random trip w a friend, he flips out and says “I told you we were only casual.” 

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Really, then, how could I ever have gotten what I wanted (a relationship, him not bolting)?

Please understand there is NO way of getting what you want from/with those who possess such fears and anxieties.  Such as this man.

There is NO magic key or formula.  That's what you need to accept.   It's very painful accepting it, I understand that.  

You think, if only I had said this, or done that.  It's a futile waste of time, energy and emotion because NOTHING you could have said or done would ever resolve the intense conflict, fears and anxiety this man experiences. 

And the harder you try, the further away you push him.

You need to work on YOU, focus on YOU, love YOU.  Determine why you allowed yourself to become so swept up in HIS dysfunction.

We attract who we ourselves are.  He has issues yes, but you do as well which is what attracted you to each other in the first place.  Learning what I have, I truly believe that. 

But it was toxic and dysfunctional, it never would have worked. 

Once you accept this, you are on your way to HEALING.

Focus on you and your own issues.  Find a new therapist, a competent one.  

He is a grown man, not a child who needs mothering or special care and understanding.

Let him work through his own issues. That's HIS job, not yours.

Your job is to work through your own.  

Again that's the first step towards healing and attracting emotionally healthy and stable men into your life. 

 

Edited October 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

@poppyfields, you speak the truth. All wisdom!