Has anyone who's drawn to emotionally unavailable partners ended up happy in a 'healthy' relationship?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

deep down I want a man who actually loves me and will share everyday life with me, not hide me, spend time with my family and not shove my face away if I kiss him during sex

This sounds so incredibly sad and painful.

I wonder how it got to a point where you think being treated this way is acceptable.

Edited October 11, 2021 by Alpaca

[basil67]

2 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

Yes, the therapists I’ve tried have said similar to poppy fields, but deep down I want a man who actually loves me and will share everyday life with me, not hide me, spend time with my family and not shove my face away if I kiss him during sex. I just simply want the guy in this thread to become that person. But how can he when.., first of all, he’s never leaving his wife so will automatically hide me?

Problem is, you're drawn to the drama, so even if he became this loving caring person (which he won't), you'd get bored.  And you'd likely start to look down on him like you do the other men who are solid, loving relationship types.

[financial_ad429]

I think you’re so right, basil. So I feel I’m left with two choices: stable and “healthier”/emotionally available, which I equate with boredom and feeling trapped… and totally unstable to the point of leaving his family behind to move far away just for selfish reasons and says he didn’t care while he cried, then suffering when he abandons me the same way he did to them (And actively tells me if he can leave them, when “nothing was wrong,” then he can leave anyone.)

my life is hopeless.

[basil67]

I don't think your future is hopeless.  But I do think that wanting to change is the first point, then a therapist (a different therapist) to help you work out how you want your love life to look and how to get you there.

Do you want your life to be different?  Are you willing to walk away from this man who gives you mostly heartache?

[financial_ad429]

I do want my life to be different but am not sure how- since I was married and all I wanted was out. This man had a lot of emotional deficiencies and I had good Reason according to my mom and friends who knew him, but I settled since on the surface he was “husband material” and I knew would never leave or cheat (if only because he didn’t have the “game” or emotional ability to play other women!). So now I am afraid that I’ll run from any nice, “stable” guy and get too bored 

[Alpacalia]

Injecting emotional drama into your life is analogous to pouring lighter fluid into a gasoline tank. It keeps you warm and comfortable by putting you in control of your behaviors at all times.

It also keeps you immersed in a story, acting out emotional scenes and being lost in it all.

Your brain is releasing pleasure-inducing chemicals that get you off.

Because your brain enjoys those chemicals, you continue to recreate dramatic events in order to stimulate your brain.

41 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

I do want my life to be different but am not sure how- since I was married and all I wanted was out.

 

[Claire00]

On 9/26/2021 at 5:46 AM, financial_ad429 said:

I’d love to know how. My relationship history is men who looked great on paper but were always lacking something emotionally, like
1) guy unable to say he loved me after years, stared at wall and shut me out for a full day if any conflict
2) guy who admitted he really only wanted to be left alone to work, and his fave activity to do w me was work on our laptops near each other
3) married guy who explained he left his wife and child for faraway job, just bc he felt like it, for $/selfishness/ freedom, even though they were crying… in meantime, he asked his old GF to move w him instead… then went back on that, but his wife briefly thew him out for it, & his ex tried to commit suicide bc of how terribly he treated her. Told me he’d never want another relationship bc there’d always be expectations he couldn’t meet and he will never be able to fully be w anyone… and later admitted, guess what, he’s never getting divorced. Meanwhile tried to make me feel badly for seeing other men, after saying we’d only ever be friends .

Several of these men would say things in text that made me feel they must care, but in person were detached. One always ignoring me to compulsively (his word) work. With Another, if I even put a hand on him affectionately, he’d pick it up and remove it. Another told me he’s a sociopath.

my best friend said I’ve never once given a chance to an emotionally “normal” guy. I agree, bc if they seem genuinely interested and have emotions, then I assume they’re “weak men” or needy and feel turned off and run the other way. I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… very uncomfortable thinking about them doing anything for me, or trying to get very close to me (I’m used to men keeping me at arms length). I also need intensity and excitement, which the chase provides.

Healthy love is real and everyone can have it. But in order to have it you need to be healthy too.

The only thing I have to advise you to do from my own experience is that you should love yourself more than that. If someone isn’t emotionally available you can tell from the beginning and you should not invest on that. Dont waste your time on mixed signals people give. Healthy and true love is obvious.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

I do want my life to be different but am not sure how- since I was married and all I wanted was out. This man had a lot of emotional deficiencies and I had good Reason according to my mom and friends who knew him, but I settled since on the surface he was “husband material” and I knew would never leave or cheat (if only because he didn’t have the “game” or emotional ability to play other women!). So now I am afraid that I’ll run from any nice, “stable” guy and get too bored 

Once bitten, twice shy?  This could explain it.   But what if you had guy who was great company and great fun?  Someone who was faithful, reliable and loving, but knew just the right moves to get your fire burning. 

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

I think you’re so right, basil. So I feel I’m left with two choices: stable and “healthier”/emotionally available, which I equate with boredom and feeling trapped…

Why? Aren’t there exciting things you can get in your life that have nothing to do with men? A great career? Exciting hobbies? Fun times with girlfriends? A stable relationship is a great foundation, but doesn’t also have to check the “exciting” box. 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Weezy1973

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

my life is hopeless.

That's something you can control and work on without the background noise of creeps like this.

[financial_ad429]

Funny part is, it’s not like I was even that satisfied by our in person encounters. It was more the hope and anticipation, and he would text me before and after in ways that sounded more encouraging. Example- he’d tell me he just wanted to spend time w me and my daughter, but once he arrived he actually kind of barged in and  didn’t even greet her and ignored her… then after she was in bed that’s when he interrupted me as I was midsentence in a story to ask me to do him a sexual favor. Then the next day he’d be texting saying he doesn’t need sex and why can’t I just accept us being friends w no sex. Do you see why I’d be so confused?

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

I think you’re so right, basil. So I feel I’m left with two choices: stable and “healthier”/emotionally available, which I equate with boredom and feeling trapped… and totally unstable to the point of leaving his family behind to move far away just for selfish reasons and says he didn’t care while he cried, then suffering when he abandons me the same way he did to them (And actively tells me if he can leave them, when “nothing was wrong,” then he can leave anyone.)

my life is hopeless.

Your life is far from hopeless.

A different angle - why do you need a man at all right now? 

In your current dysfunctional state (no disrespect I promise, most of us have been there too),  finding the "right" man with that perfect combination of stability and certainty AND excitement, uncertainty drama and LONGING will prove impossible really.

Not gonna happen. unless and until you find and fix yourself first, love and value yourself first. 

Become whole and completely FIRST. 

Forget finding a man for now and work on YOU!  You are very clearly emotionally damaged  from something, going way back even before your "boring" marriage.

Take steps on your own and with help from a qualified therapist BEFORE seeking a "healthy" relationship or any relationship for that matter. 

I also recommend a great book "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage Your Relationships."

1.  I want a commitment  but I don't ever want to be bored. 

2.  I want commitment but don't want to lose sexual freedom.

3. I want commitment but worry about changing my mind and becoming unhappy.

4. I want a commitment but don't ever want to feel limited or restrained by the compromises and obligations of commitment.

5. I want commitment but don't want to give up my individuality or my sense of self.

6. I want a commitment but don't want to be controlled OR give up control.

7. I love missing and LONGING for my partner more than actually spending time and being together. 

8. I need A LOT of mental stimulation, enjoy high drama and excitement in my romantic relationships, I feel dead without. 

These are major conflicts those with PASSIVE commitment issues face.  Which from everything I have read from you, is you. 

As such, they (you) - either consciously or unconsciously - seek out relationships with unavailable unstable people wherein there is zero chance of commitment ever happening.

Honestly @financial_ad429, if you are serious about what you post and say you want, stop trying to find this "perfect" man, and find yourself first.  

Love yourself first.  Value yourself first. Become whole and complete first. 

Only then will you find love with another human being in its purest form.

A love without games, without uncertainty, without petty jealousy and insecuriry, without restriction but rather a consistent steady love that comes from within one's heart, within themselves.

May prove to be the most difficult and challenging thing you have ever done in your life but well worth it. 

It will FREE you and that is the best feeling!  I promise you. 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

6 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

Funny part is, it’s not like I was even that satisfied by our in person encounters. It was more the hope and anticipation, and he would text me before and after in ways that sounded more encouraging. Example- he’d tell me he just wanted to spend time w me and my daughter, but once he arrived he actually kind of barged in and  didn’t even greet her and ignored her… then after she was in bed that’s when he interrupted me as I was midsentence in a story to ask me to do him a sexual favor. Then the next day he’d be texting saying he doesn’t need sex and why can’t I just accept us being friends w no sex. Do you see why I’d be so confused?

Honestly, no. I don't see why you're confused.  This kind of behaviour would be a deal breaker for me.   I really don't understand why you have such a thing for this guy - from all accounts, he sounds awful.

[financial_ad429]

I took the disconnect to indicate a personality disorder - but that he tried to express he cared in texts was a lot for him, and then I’d excuse in-person behavior like not even holding the door for my daughter’s stroller. The texts had a lot of overtones of guilt that he’d left his wife & child to move far away for no reason other than being selfishness, or that he drove his ex (the one who he told to move w him instead & his wife kicked him out) to suicide, or that he can’t have any expectations from me since he’ll always be a failure at them 

[lovebooks]

On first date explain that you are dating toward marriage and a family.   Most guys think they can string you along for a few months or years if you're willing.  If a relationship isn't going anywhere in a year end it.   Sex makes it hard to leave and makes some think there's more there since it's intimacy.  One year then end it no matter what.

[basil67]

On 10/12/2021 at 10:24 PM, financial_ad429 said:

I took the disconnect to indicate a personality disorder - but that he tried to express he cared in texts was a lot for him, and then I’d excuse in-person behavior like not even holding the door for my daughter’s stroller. The texts had a lot of overtones of guilt that he’d left his wife & child to move far away for no reason other than being selfishness, or that he drove his ex (the one who he told to move w him instead & his wife kicked him out) to suicide, or that he can’t have any expectations from me since he’ll always be a failure at them 

I generally believe that people can change and become better people if they want.  But his attitude of being unapologetically "this is who I am" means that he will indeed always be a failure.

[financial_ad429]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I generally believe that people can change and become better people if they want.  But his attitude of being unapologetically "this is who I am" means that he will indeed always be a failure.

Any time he spoke of being “better,” it was the context of no longer being a cheater / having sex outside marriage and just being a friend to me. I’m wondering if for religious & cultural reasons divorce truly isn’t an option for him & in the good moments he is not involved w me romantically or sexually, at his weak moments he’s involved w me sexually only, but truly I have no real future or happy ending w him.

[lovebooks]

Read some books on love and relationships like Love Languages.  See some movies about relationships and chill.  Get a good therapist and do some work on yourself.  Find out what you want in a relationship.  Don't settle for good sex.  Sex is great but it can cloud everything.  DO NOT ENTER ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE WHO IS ALREADY COMMITTED (MARRIED).  Point blank.  No marrieds.  If you ever want to have a good relationship do the work  Good luck.

Edited October 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[financial_ad429]

On 10/14/2021 at 12:01 AM, lovebooks said:

 DO NOT ENTER ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE WHO IS ALREADY COMMITTED (MARRIED).  Point blank.  No marrieds.  If you ever want to have a good relationship do the work  Good luck.

This person is unstable, cold, seems to be overtaken at times by this sudden desire to have sex then essentially kicks me out then seems to feel guilty since he’s still married, and/or wants to avoid the attachment to another person sex creates (he has told me both these things directly at various times). And I STILL WANT HIM. Can’t tell you how hopeless I feel. what disorder does this indicate in me and what can I possibly do??

[Weezy1973]

30 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

what disorder does this indicate in me and what can I possibly do??

It’s not necessarily a disorder, but I suspect there was some trauma in your past. What can you do? Full no contact. Never contact him again and block him from contacting you. The addicts equivalent of cold turkey.

[financial_ad429]

I’ve done over a month of no contact but still want him… Even though every single bad or toxic thing I wrote is totally true

[Weezy1973]

On 10/15/2021 at 2:02 PM, financial_ad429 said:

I’ve done over a month of no contact but still want him… Even though every single bad or toxic thing I wrote is totally true

It will take longer than a month. 

[financial_ad429]

One bit of clarity I’ve had: I think that this guy has borderline personality disorder. Abandoning his wife and young child for “no reason”/“because I’m selfish,” then suddenly leaving the firm that really invested in him in the new faraway city after less than a year and going to yet another new job… telling me in the very same convo that 1) he didn’t want sex from me and didn’t “need it” or felt guilty and 2) that he wanted sex with me and inviting me over?
I just wish I could’ve been better and stuck by him even though he constantly insisted we were only friends and he didn’t want a relationship w any one. Maybe if I had just proven myself as not going anywhere no matter what, he would’ve eventually gotten attached to me and committed 

[basil67]

Armchair diagnoses don't benefit anyone.  And from what you do write, I'm not sure why you'd dx BPD.   And I still don't know why you want to be committed to a man who has treated you (and his wife) appallingly.   That said, why would you commit yourself to someone who treated you this way?

How's therapy going?

 

[financial_ad429]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Armchair diagnoses don't benefit anyone.  And from what you do write, I'm not sure why you'd dx BPD.   And I still don't know why you want to be committed to a man who has treated you (and his wife) appallingly.   That said, why would you commit yourself to someone who treated you this way?

How's therapy going?

 

How does it not sound like BPD?

therapy moving slowly, it seems like it’s taking a while just for me to relay my whole story