Has anyone who's drawn to emotionally unavailable partners ended up happy in a 'healthy' relationship?

[Lotsgoingon]

8 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

What does that sort of inconsistency imply about mental health? Already a bad sign he said he’s sociopath and cares about no one. Why would I fall for this?

You may not want to see it, but likely you had this same kind of relationship with parents. It's really hard to "see" the inner dynamics of our relationship with parents because kids take almost any behavior as "normal." As long as they feed us and smile at us and provide a roof (sometimes not even that) we assume they love us and assume that our relationship with them is health. Not true.

Sounds to me like you had some low-functioning people in your upbringing and you learned this strategy of being comfortable around people whose lives were chaotic and whose nurture was thoroughly inconsistent. Guarantee you did this same thing as a kid and later in your household. 

It's literally that simple, and a top-of-the-line therapist could point this out convincingly to you in three sessions after they take your family history and tie that history together with your current behavior. Literally three sessions, maybe even two. I had a different behavior but some overlapping similarities with yours. I would keep people at a distance and actually block them from helping me and I couldn't at all see it.  I had a therapist who connected the dots in session #2 or #3. Yep, went right back to childhood. 

Now repairing and undoing the behavior will take longer, but there is no mystery about the origins of your behavior. It comes from the way you grew up. 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[financial_ad429]

My childhood was fine, my dad at least was the model husband and father.
I don’t understand what more I should’ve done to get this guy to commit to me. He said I wasn’t loyal bc I’d seen other men, but avoiding seeing other men just didn’t seem like a way to get him to respect me when he said we were only friends and stayed married himself!!

i know he left his son and wife and moved far away just for $ and to “be selfish” He said. He said if he didn’t care about his son and wife crying then he could leave anyone in the dust. But I felt I should just be better and then he would not leave me

too.

Edited October 9, 2021 by financial_ad429

[basil67]

@financial_ad429 your thinking is backwards and you're doing yourself so much harm by staying this mindset.  Are you doing therapy?

The question shouldn't be "what should I have done to make him comment?"  It should be "why am I wasting so much brain space on a self identified sociopath?"

[basil67]

Sorry, spello above.  Should have been what should I have done to make him commit

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

I don’t understand what more I should’ve done to get this guy to commit to me. 

You can't really "get someone to commit to you" in general and a married man in particular.

Seeing someone shouldn't be a competition where you try to win someone. In this case the prize would have been a sleazy cheater.

So in that regard, you won your freedom back from a creep like this.

[financial_ad429]

Obviously I know him IRL and I don’t feel I lost a creep. Yes it’s weird he says to read a book on a sociopathic serial killer because he’s exactly like him (minus the killing). But I think he is trying to spare his son a divorce and thus continue his marriage in name only, but wants to find real love again. I just don’t know how that works when he keeps me completely hidden, won’t even go to a coworker’s party w me when we were both leaving from the office same time… and the pushing my face away if I try to kiss him during sex, never being affectionate, and never staying the night could just indicate avoidance issues that I would hope I could get him past.

but now he was so angry I contacted his wife… but he was the one posting random photos of this other woman he was trying to make me jealous over to a fake account that he knew only I knew about from his real life… should I really have just sat quietly and not gotten upset? He was asking Me for sexy photos while doing this!

[Weezy1973]

Sounds like you really love drama. Continue on as you are.

[basil67]

Circling back to the start of your thread, this is pretty much the type of situation you're drawn to.  The drama, the excitement, the chasing of a man who's not available.   I would imagine that if he'd left his wife and gone to you for a proper relationship, the drama and excitement would drop and you'd get bored.  And miserable.

But you're also miserable and frustrated with the status quo.  

Is this really how you want your life to be? 

[financial_ad429]

No, I don’t want to be drawn to this darkness… yet every time he’s cold and manipulative it justmakes me want to get closer, to one-up him 

[basil67]

But that's the thing, you choose to stay and throw yourself further into the drama, excitement and chase.    If you don't want to be drawn into it, why do you chase more of the same?

[financial_ad429]

You’re right. I feel so alive and thrive on the drama, but the lows and emptiness the other 90% of my time feel like they aren’t worth it. It’s like I want two men, one to be Mr stable and the other to be him. Because I get sexually and otherwise charged from him like no one in my life 

[basil67]

And is that sexual charge worth being unsatisfied 90% of the time?  Only you can decide

Edited October 10, 2021 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

You’re right. I feel so alive and thrive on the drama, but the lows and emptiness the other 90% of my time feel like they aren’t worth it.

You’ve basically described a drug addict. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

 I feel so alive and thrive on the drama, but the lows and emptiness the other 90% of my time feel like they aren’t worth it. 

What about assessing your own physical and mental health? 

Perhaps there's treatable issues such as mood swings or obsessions?

You can't change all the different types of men or creeps out there but you certainly can improve your level of physical and mental health and well-being.

[financial_ad429]

No, I don’t want to be drawn to this darkness… yet every time he’s cold and manipulative it justmakes me want to get closer, to one-up him. I can’t stop loving him and truly don’t know what else to do. He’s never left his wife and her response to what I sent her was so odd, like ok heys playing you too

[Weezy1973]

34 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

I can’t stop loving him and truly don’t know what else to do.

Go full no contact. Block him everywhere. You don’t actually love him; you love how he makes you feel. And your obsession will go away with time.

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

You’re right. I feel so alive and thrive on the drama, but the lows and emptiness the other 90% of my time feel like they aren’t worth it. It’s like I want two men, one to be Mr stable and the other to be him. Because I get sexually and otherwise charged from him like no one in my life 

@financial_ad429 love can mean many things to different people, and as such I would never say you don't love him, that's NOT my call to make nor anyone else's imo.

Yes you love how he makes you feel (when his mood calls for it) because you DO love him.  Another man whom you did not love might behave the same and you might feel completely differently.  Turned off, repulsed even. 

It's not the behavior you love but the man.  It's not a healthy functional love, in fact it's toxic as hell (imho), the man is a self-admitted sociopathic.

But I do believe you love him, whatever love means to you.   

I posted this earlier but decide what you want, what means more to you,  because with this particular man, it's a trade off.

You cannot have stable and consistent AND the passion, excitement, drama that all the uncertainty and mutial games bring with it.

You don't seem all that unhappy or miserable from what I've read.  The opposite, you thrive on it, you posted as much. 

So why not simply accept it, stop fighting it?  

Accept that there will be incredible highs and massive lows, or better yet, enjoy the highs and make peace with the lows.

You know they are only temporary. 

You found something that obviously works for you, serves a purpose for you.

Forget "society's" version of what works for you even if it seems toxic and dysfunctional to others.  

Live for YOURSELF no one else. 

 

Edited October 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

2 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

No, I don’t want to be drawn to this darkness… yet every time he’s cold and manipulative it justmakes me want to get closer, to one-up him. I can’t stop loving him and truly don’t know what else to do. He’s never left his wife and her response to what I sent her was so odd, like ok heys playing you too

If this state of constant turmoil is what you're seeking, then perhaps you need to follow your heart.  But instead of complaining about how the 90% of bad makes you feel, learn to embrace it as part of the choices you make.

Edited October 10, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately I get the feeling you are entertaining all this to distract yourself from something you don't want to address or which causes you too much pain to deal with.

[financial_ad429]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@financial_ad429 love can mean many things to different people, and as such I would never say you don't love him, that's NOT my call to make nor anyone else's imo.

Yes you love how he makes you feel (when his mood calls for it) because you DO love him.  Another man whom you did not love might behave the same and you might feel completely differently.  Turned off, repulsed even. 

It's not the behavior you love but the man.  It's not a healthy functional love, in fact it's toxic as hell (imho), the man is a self-admitted sociopathic.

But I do believe you love him, whatever love means to you.   

I posted this earlier but decide what you want, what means more to you,  because with this particular man, it's a trade off.

You cannot have stable and consistent AND the passion, excitement, drama that all the uncertainty and mutial games bring with it.

You don't seem all that unhappy or miserable from what I've read.  The opposite, you thrive on it, you posted as much. 

So why not simply accept it, stop fighting it?  

Accept that there will be incredible highs and massive lows, or better yet, enjoy the highs and make peace with the lows.

You know they are only temporary. 

You found something that obviously works for you, serves a purpose for you.

Forget "society's" version of what works for you even if it seems toxic and dysfunctional to others.  

Live for YOURSELF no one else. 

 

The sick feeling I get as a low when he’s claiming to be interested in someone else, telling me he’s never getting divorced, or shutting me out and telling me the minute I expect anything from him or make him feel stuck he’ll reAct in an ugly way is just so low. If he’s unwilling to make any commitment to me and always points out how he can easily leave his own you g child and move far away and thus can leave anyone, I get this intense fear of abandonment and waking up realizing I’ve wasted even more years of my life 

[basil67]

Are you in therapy?

[financial_ad429]

Yes, the therapists I’ve tried have said similar to poppy fields, but deep down I want a man who actually loves me and will share everyday life with me, not hide me, spend time with my family and not shove my face away if I kiss him during sex. I just simply want the guy in this thread to become that person. But how can he when.., first of all, he’s never leaving his wife so will automatically hide me?

Edited October 10, 2021 by financial_ad429

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Yes, the therapists I’ve tried have said similar to poppy fields, but deep down I want a man who actually loves me and will share everyday life with me, not hide me, spend time with my family and not shove my face away if I kiss him during sex. I just simply want the guy in this thread to become that person. But how can he when.., first of all, he’s never leaving his wife so will automatically hide me?

Bolded, I am shocked by this.

It's not the role of the therapist to give advice, especially advice to remain in a toxic situation with an admitted sociopath.

Their role is to help you understand why such a situation would attract you in the first place and to work with you to find healthier alternatives -- what you say you actually want and need.

I'm not a therapist so wouldn't begin to know how to help you with that, so my advice as an objective observer came from a place of acceptance of a relationship it appears you have no intention or even desire to give up, no matter how much the "lows" hurt. 

I came to this opinion after reading all your many posts, and the fact you're still there, in the relationship.

If this is true about your therapist(s), find a new one, they are incompetent.

Edited October 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

…I want a man who actually loves me and will share everyday life with me, not hide me, spend time with my family and not shove my face away if I kiss him during sex. I just simply want the guy in this thread to become that person.

You don’t actually love this man. You love how he makes you feel and you love the fantasy that he’ll change. But it’s delusional.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You don’t actually love this man. You love how he makes you feel and you love the fantasy that he’ll change. But it’s delusional.

Does it even matter Weezy, whether or not she "loves" him in your opinion?

She's still there. She thrives on the intoxication and drama, admittedly.

I respect your opinion but don't get how telling her she doesn't love him, it's a fantasy and that she is delusional will help her.

IF she truly wants to leave, and desires more stability and consistency, she needs a good qualified therapist to help her understand WHY such toxicity attracts her and to work with her to resolve such toxic attractions and love/sex addictions with sociopathic men, not opinions from anonymous posters on an internet advice forum telling her how she herself feels or anthing else. 

Including myself! 

Good luck to you @financial_ad429.

Edited October 11, 2021 by poppyfields