Has anyone who's drawn to emotionally unavailable partners ended up happy in a 'healthy' relationship?

[financial_ad429]

Some of the choices of people in this thread to stay w emotionally unavailable people make sense, but aren’t these at least people who aren’t telling you they’re staying married to someone else and will never have or want another committed relationship?

[Weezy1973]

33 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Some of the choices of people in this thread to stay w emotionally unavailable people make sense, but aren’t these at least people who aren’t telling you they’re staying married to someone else and will never have or want another committed relationship?

Yes I think the difference is your guy is literally not available to you at all in terms of being in a relationship. It’s just a non-starter. Those men aren’t emotional, but they are available, committed, supportive etc. In those cases it’s more just a difference in “love languages” which is fine as long as each person understands it. 
 

I’m not sure what your goal is with this guy though. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. The so-called "Sigma Male" perhaps?

I think there's more variety than is perhaps well-recognized. For example, there is the "Living Apart Together" crowd, as well as people with mild "avoidant attachment". But many of those folks actually DO want relationships/attachment - they just want it in their own style/on their own terms, because for whatever reason they don't deal well with too much "closeness" (which can include emotional closeness).

So IMO there's a spectrum of "emotional unavailability" and SOME (not all) of these folks actually might be ok to date/form a relationship with IF you can handle their "style" of relationship/interactions and they can handle yours. So non-satisfactory results are not guaranteed. You might look for someone who's LESS unavailable emotionally than what you've had in the past, but still is someone you're attracted to. Just a thought.

I have heard that "insecure attachment" style folks tend to go for "avoidant attachment" style folks for whatever reason, so perhaps you have some mild (or perhaps even strong?) insecure attachment yourself?  Something to consider. At any rate, "a lid for every pot" somewhere out there, or so they say. Finding it might be tough, though...

Edited September 27, 2021 by mark clemson

[financial_ad429]

Great suggestions, thank you! Except my level of emotional unavailability is someone telling me point blank from beginning they moved far from their wife and kid for no reason other than being a bad guy and also got thrown out by their wife for asking an ex to come w them instead. And telling me point blank can never have a relationship; promised his son he wouldn’t have a second family. Yet he got mad when I dated other people and the guilt got to me. Why would I be this stupid?

[Classicfiction]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

Great suggestions, thank you! Except my level of emotional unavailability is someone telling me point blank from beginning they moved far from their wife and kid for no reason other than being a bad guy and also got thrown out by their wife for asking an ex to come w them instead. And telling me point blank can never have a relationship; promised his son he wouldn’t have a second family. Yet he got mad when I dated other people and the guilt got to me. Why would I be this stupid?

Because he's dangling himself like a carrot at you.  You're at the horse races, girl... just trying to get that thing that you cant get and I have been right there with you too!  Seriously, its a validation thing.  You want to be worthy of a man who another woman wasnt good enough for.

Really, I almost just went for that carrot again myself and had to stop myself.  Just think of it like this, if you have to work your booty off to get a man, then you're gonna have to keep working that hard to keep him.  If you have to coerce and beg and manipulate and tolerate bad treatment, how much more of that kind of hoop jumping will you have to do to keep him satisfied if he ever even does  consider being in a relationship with you?

And he probably wont.  But giving you breadcrumbs keeps you validating his ego which he'll probably use to psych himself up to go after someone else entirely.  Why do you want to help him feel confident enough to go after a poser as shallow as he is?  He's USING you.  

It is NOT a compliment that he gets mad when you date others.  He just doesn't want to lose his ego validating tool.  Thats the type of guy you're describing.

FYI I'm being harsh because Im halfway talking to myself too.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No this is typical for everyone, just in varied degrees.

Have you got supporting evidence? 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by basil67

[dramafreezone]

On 9/25/2021 at 7:46 PM, financial_ad429 said:

I’d love to know how. My relationship history is men who looked great on paper but were always lacking something emotionally, like
1) guy unable to say he loved me after years, stared at wall and shut me out for a full day if any conflict
2) guy who admitted he really only wanted to be left alone to work, and his fave activity to do w me was work on our laptops near each other
3) married guy who explained he left his wife and child for faraway job, just bc he felt like it, for $/selfishness/ freedom, even though they were crying… in meantime, he asked his old GF to move w him instead… then went back on that, but his wife briefly thew him out for it, & his ex tried to commit suicide bc of how terribly he treated her. Told me he’d never want another relationship bc there’d always be expectations he couldn’t meet and he will never be able to fully be w anyone… and later admitted, guess what, he’s never getting divorced. Meanwhile tried to make me feel badly for seeing other men, after saying we’d only ever be friends .

Several of these men would say things in text that made me feel they must care, but in person were detached. One always ignoring me to compulsively (his word) work. With Another, if I even put a hand on him affectionately, he’d pick it up and remove it. Another told me he’s a sociopath.

my best friend said I’ve never once given a chance to an emotionally “normal” guy. I agree, bc if they seem genuinely interested and have emotions, then I assume they’re “weak men” or needy and feel turned off and run the other way. I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… very uncomfortable thinking about them doing anything for me, or trying to get very close to me (I’m used to men keeping me at arms length). I also need intensity and excitement, which the chase provides.

What does "great on paper" entail?

[financial_ad429]

55 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What does "great on paper" entail?

Would eventually have a high paying job (just taking way too long a time to complete the requirements and trying to freeload off me in meantime- but whenever he actually did he’d be guaranteed a ton of $). Committed quickly. Good looking enough. Seemed soft spoken and nice 

[dramafreezone]

23 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Would eventually have a high paying job (just taking way too long a time to complete the requirements and trying to freeload off me in meantime- but whenever he actually did he’d be guaranteed a ton of $). Committed quickly. Good looking enough. Seemed soft spoken and nice 

So what is the end goal?  He or any of these other guys fulfills all of their "potential" or you fix their dysfunction, and they become a type of guy that you don't even like because you call them "weak?"

Do you really feel as though you deserve good things in life, because you appear to deliberately distance yourself as far away as possible from them?  This pattern of behavior is self-loathing, IMO.  

If you seek out men who are failures, that way when it doesn't work out there's no disappointment because they were failures when you got them.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

Would eventually have a high paying job (just taking way too long a time to complete the requirements and trying to freeload off me in meantime- but whenever he actually did he’d be guaranteed a ton of $). Committed quickly. Good looking enough. Seemed soft spoken and nice 

That's a very low bar you're setting.   Freeloading and rushing into commitments are not good on paper.  Looks fade, tone of voice is largely irrelevant and whether or not one is 'nice' must be determined over time.  

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

That's a very low bar you're setting.   Freeloading and rushing into commitments are not good on paper.  Looks fade, tone of voice is largely irrelevant and whether or not one is 'nice' must be determined over time.  

 

However we have no idea what the OP is like. Perhaps this is a high bar for her.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

However we have no idea what the OP is like. Perhaps this is a high bar for her.

That would be sad

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Have you got supporting evidence? 

 

https://www.businessinsider.com/why-we-want-what-we-cant-have-2018-3

This sort of psychology is well used in business. Using tactics like "limited edition" or "limited supply", "members only". Drives up demand. Auctions are pretty much the best example of this.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

https://www.businessinsider.com/why-we-want-what-we-cant-have-2018-3

This sort of psychology is well used in business. Using tactics like "limited edition" or "limited supply", "members only". Drives up demand. Auctions are pretty much the best example of this.

That was a very interesting article!  

I agree with respect to business marketing - scarcity.

When I see a product that's in limited supply, I want that product!  I assume it must be an excellent product. 

But when it comes to romantic attraction and my emotions, I honestly don't give a rat's rear how "in demand" he is.  100% truth.

In fact when we first meet and I feel a strong attraction and chemistry, I have no idea how "in demand" he is, how would I?  

Unless we met at a club and he is surrounded by women, and those men are the last men I would ever want.

Or rather, it wouldn't have an impact on me either way.  I either feel attraction and mutual chemistry or I don't. 

It's definitely NOT based on how desired he is by other woman.  100% truth. I've always felt that way.  Even in high school! Lol

That mindset is shallow, superficial imo.  You're attracted to and desire someone because others want them or you cannot have them?  They're unattainable?  They don't want you? 

Would you want someone desiring you for these reasons?  I sure wouldn't!  Although men have desired me for such reasons but I'm not flattered by it.  I think less of him for it.

Again, it reflects a certain shallowness, superficiality imo.  And the inability to feel attraction and develop connections based on a mutual chemistry and natural energy between you that has literally nothing to do with how desired they are by others or that they're unattainable. 

I'm weird though, lol, definitely not like other women as I acknowledge that this scarcity mindset is very much alive and well in today's dating environment. And perhaps always was.

 

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[financial_ad429]

I don’t think it’s about scarcity. I simply refused to stop wanting a married cheater who says he moved far from his son while he cried and felt nothing… and meanwhile got thrown out by his wife by inviting his Ex GF along instead… and tells me stories of how he wants yet another girl yet still tries to keep me around all at the same time. That’s what I want. The complexity. I somehow feel he must be so genuine and so emotionally close to me, because who would tell me all those unflattering things and that he is a sociopath who feels nothing otherwise? To me that indicated we had something really special 

[basil67]

Where as, the truth is that he tells you about all his appalling behaviour because he knows you won't judge him for it.  

[financial_ad429]

Knows I won’t judge him because I loved him. He was honest and opened up to me. But when I felt him detaching from me randomly and trying to put other women against me I just couldnt handle it . It’s hard to feel secure and act relaxed when you have no commitment and are always publicly hidden 

[d0nnivain]

You are the common denominator in all of these failed relationships.  You intentionally chose unwisely then don't understand why things don't work out.   You have to stop making the same mistakes repeatedly & straighten yourself out before the rest of this will be resolved.  

[Classicfiction]

So maybe you think that you're actually more connected to him than the other women because he tells you he's a sociopath.  He must keep the mask on with these other women but with you he lets you see him without that mask.

Thats a tactic they use unfortunately.  There are other women who are in his special club which means his club isnt actually that special.  Look up triangulation.  If these other women didnt    factor in to your desire to stay with this guy, or should I say stay as an orbiter/worshipper, then you wouldnt keep bringing them up.

 

[Classicfiction]

Why don't you tell this man to do right by his child?  I don't understand how you could listen to him talk about deserting his child and not say anything?

Have you told him to man up about that?

[financial_ad429]

On 9/30/2021 at 8:15 AM, Classicfiction said:

Why don't you tell this man to do right by his child?  I don't understand how you could listen to him talk about deserting his child and not say anything?

Have you told him to man up about that?

Oh, he says he spends as much time as he has for vacation with his son. But considering they’re on opposite coasts of the US, it’s only every few months. Doesn’t want to move back because he likes the money, prestige, and independence here better. I just don’t like the way he’ll try to use his son to deflect from something he did wrong… ex. If I bring up him being detached and aloof, he says “how dare you expect anything when you know I haven’t seen my son in a while and so I’m unhappy”… yet he easily could have moved back and says he left his son and wife without remorse bc he’s just not a good guy.

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

“how dare you expect anything when you know I haven’t seen my son in a while and so I’m unhappy”

And you let him get away with talking to you that way?  Incredible.

[Classicfiction]

OP is there a cycle of him ignoring you/ showing disinterest then you becoming emotional and desperate followed by intense sex?

If so, just be real with yourself and realize its all about sex and thats all it is.  It's not love.

I mean if you just want to continue wasting your time on being dumped so you can get makeup sex, no ones going to be able to change your mind.

 

[financial_ad429]

I mean, he’d Go through periods where he’d tell me he was avoiding sex due to guilt, no more sex outside marriage, and even get me to do his religious services w him, but during that time frame was still pretty in person and certainly didn’t act romantic. Then he’d just randomly approach me for sex “as friends” again. In one conversation he both claimed to be interested in some other woman & told me he didn’t need sex… then asked me for dirty photos and asked about when we’d have sex just a couple of quick lines later. He has made comments that he enjoys sex more after a hiatus and that he likes angry sex

[financial_ad429]

What does that sort of inconsistency imply about mental health? Already a bad sign he said he’s sociopath and cares about no one. Why would I fall for this?