Has anyone who's drawn to emotionally unavailable partners ended up happy in a 'healthy' relationship?

[financial_ad429]

I’d love to know how. My relationship history is men who looked great on paper but were always lacking something emotionally, like
1) guy unable to say he loved me after years, stared at wall and shut me out for a full day if any conflict
2) guy who admitted he really only wanted to be left alone to work, and his fave activity to do w me was work on our laptops near each other
3) married guy who explained he left his wife and child for faraway job, just bc he felt like it, for $/selfishness/ freedom, even though they were crying… in meantime, he asked his old GF to move w him instead… then went back on that, but his wife briefly thew him out for it, & his ex tried to commit suicide bc of how terribly he treated her. Told me he’d never want another relationship bc there’d always be expectations he couldn’t meet and he will never be able to fully be w anyone… and later admitted, guess what, he’s never getting divorced. Meanwhile tried to make me feel badly for seeing other men, after saying we’d only ever be friends .

Several of these men would say things in text that made me feel they must care, but in person were detached. One always ignoring me to compulsively (his word) work. With Another, if I even put a hand on him affectionately, he’d pick it up and remove it. Another told me he’s a sociopath.

my best friend said I’ve never once given a chance to an emotionally “normal” guy. I agree, bc if they seem genuinely interested and have emotions, then I assume they’re “weak men” or needy and feel turned off and run the other way. I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… very uncomfortable thinking about them doing anything for me, or trying to get very close to me (I’m used to men keeping me at arms length). I also need intensity and excitement, which the chase provides.

[Classicfiction]

35 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

I’d love to know how. My relationship history is men who looked great on paper but were always lacking something emotionally, like
1) guy unable to say he loved me after years, stared at wall and shut me out for a full day if any conflict
2) guy who admitted he really only wanted to be left alone to work, and his fave activity to do w me was work on our laptops near each other
3) married guy who explained he left his wife and child for faraway job, just bc he felt like it, for $/selfishness/ freedom, even though they were crying… in meantime, he asked his old GF to move w him instead… then went back on that, but his wife briefly thew him out for it, & his ex tried to commit suicide bc of how terribly he treated her. Told me he’d never want another relationship bc there’d always be expectations he couldn’t meet and he will never be able to fully be w anyone… and later admitted, guess what, he’s never getting divorced. Meanwhile tried to make me feel badly for seeing other men, after saying we’d only ever be friends .

Several of these men would say things in text that made me feel they must care, but in person were detached. One always ignoring me to compulsively (his word) work. With Another, if I even put a hand on him affectionately, he’d pick it up and remove it. Another told me he’s a sociopath.

my best friend said I’ve never once given a chance to an emotionally “normal” guy. I agree, bc if they seem genuinely interested and have emotions, then I assume they’re “weak men” or needy and feel turned off and run the other way. I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… very uncomfortable thinking about them doing anything for me, or trying to get very close to me (I’m used to men keeping me at arms length). I also need intensity and excitement, which the chase provides.

Hi,

I believe I have a similar track record.  Would you say that these guys you date are fairly attractive from your perspective?  Just wondering because you said you find yourself in the chasing position...Would you be open to dating men who are less attractive?

This might seem unrelated but its just a theory Im working on trying to figure out my own disfunctional dating life..

[financial_ad429]

Hi- no, I don’t want to compromise!

[Amanda92]

Stop chasing and initiating contact. Date guys that put efforts from the beginning.

[chillii]

20 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Hi- no, I don’t want to compromise!

You might think they're the ones with problems , but you obviously need to go and get some help too, no doubt about that one.

[Classicfiction]

22 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Hi- no, I don’t want to compromise!

But if you're chasing them, that means something is off.

[Ami1uwant]

Let me guess…

 

these are very attractive guys

who like thesex

but don’t care for a relstionship

they don’t want kids

 

after kids/ sex gets dull and stress picks up they check out

 

[basil67]

I would say that while you hold such disdain for the kind of men who can give you a loving, healthy relationship, such a relationship will be impossible for you.  There's no use you giving these men the time of day at present because you'll feel disrespect for them, get bored and be all weird about them being loving. 

If I was to hazard a guess, it would be that you come from a disordered background.  Perhaps your father was one of the kind of guys you now chase?  Or you grew up with your mother bringing home a string of them and this became your "normal".   Or, if this wasn't the case, I would wonder what your school friendships were like.  Were you an outsider?

 

[Woggle]

As long as you look at men who are actually interested in a healthy relationship as weak you will not have one.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

 I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… 

Dating is not social work. It's that simple. Men are not your handyman special projects.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

When you take your walls down and feel better you'll resolve this.

Perhaps therapy could help you explore why you're unhappy and choosing men to blame for that unhappiness.

[d0nnivain]

My husband a military veteran is not exactly an open book.  He's very stoic & doesn't express himself with words often or well.  It has caused tension in our marriage when I get frustrated.  Problem is the more I vocalize, especially if loudly, the harder he shuts down.  It's a vicious cycle.  

We have had marriage counseling to work on communication.  All the therapists tell him that he has to talk more but they also remind me that I have to listen more.  I'm wordy & chatty.  Words just don't come to him that easily but we were taught that sometimes I need to say "please use your words" & then listen, even if we have to sit there for 5 minutes while he figures out what to say.  He has been taught to at least touch my hand so I know he heard me even as he's processing.  He also at least says "give me a minute."  I'm better when I know he's at least acknowledging that he needs to say something, which helps me remain patient while he thinks things through.  I still get frustrated because I process out loud verbally so I don't understand his internal quiet method but it really does help when he communicates to me the process is occurring.  In that respect DH reminds me of the guy who enjoyed working on his lap top next to you. 

So you have to figure out what you want.  I think your friend has some very good insights.  You pick these broken guys then thrive on the drama of them not giving you what you claim to want.  You have to learn to relinquish the "alpha" / leadership role you have chosen for yourself.  It's safe for you because when the man is more broken then you are, you look good by comparison.  If you found a healthy man then your flaws & struggles will be more noticeable.   

I am a strong woman with a big personality.  When I was searching for DH I threw it out to the universe that I wanted a man who was strong enough to let me be weak.  Along came my stoic military veteran.  He lets me do my thing, which to the outside world looks like I'm the leader in our relationship because he's not much of a planner.  He's happy enough to come along but he will almost never be the driver behind our activities.  He is a planner in the sense of making sure we're safe:  monitoring the security system; having fire extinguishers, there are these things in all the cars to help you escape in an accident etc.   We balance each other. 

Maybe it's time you find intensity & excitement in other ways.  Perhaps take up an extreme sport.  

Edited September 26, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Weezy1973]

My wife has a friend who is similar, and as Basil above suggested she had a very dysfunctional childhood. And I see it as a very tough problem to solve. All the men she’s been attracted to are clearly not marriage material (ex. Men that are already married, men that are 30 years older than her etc.). Yet she wants to have a family. She’s in her early 30s so my wife convinced her to freeze her eggs if she wants kids. 
 

I think it’s kind of like people that don’t really like the taste of healthy food and much prefer junk food. If they want a long healthy life, but don’t like eating healthy, what’s the answer? Eat things you don’t like? Not easy…

[Lotsgoingon]

9 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

 if they seem genuinely interested and have emotions, then I assume they’re “weak men” or needy and feel turned off and run the other way. I’m very comfortable in the role of chasing or doing all the work to try to help disordered men… very uncomfortable thinking about them doing anything for me, or trying to get very close to me (I’m used to men keeping me at arms length). I also need intensity and excitement, which the chase provides.

You gotta go get some help with this one. Behavior like this almost always stems from being raised by emotionally distant or neglectful parents. I can guarantee you that at least your father was emotionally distant and ignored you. That's a very typical scenario. In response to this disinterest and neglect, your little-kid brain developed all kinds of compensating mechanisms. They were distant and not nurturing, so you turned up your approach to them, you turned up your interest in them. Since you couldn't count on their interest, you initiated contact to get their attention.

This is an extremely smart coping strategy for a powerless kid surviving an inattentive family.  It is a disastrous strategy for an adult making connections and building relationships outside the family. Here's a test. Usually people with your behavior also keep distance from friends. It's not just romance. You also don't let friends deeply inside, don't allow friends to really take care of you when you need that. 

What you're calling "attraction" is just old unconscious coping mechanisms. You can learn to feel attracted to guys who are interested in you and treat you well. But most of that time, that change requires therapy. You're right now just plainly out of touch with how bad the neglect felt at the time you were growing up. It did feel bad--you just learned (out of necessity) to ignore it. 

Your issue is a common problem. But you will need to do therapy or some intensive therapeutic program that allows you to get in touch with past pain and trauma and helps you to start reprogramming your brain. Once you begin to learn to begin to receive in relationships, the payoff is enormous. Life and relationships become so much easier and happier. 

BTW: the only people who don't have emotions are psychopaths.  

 

 

[financial_ad429]

But my dad was honestly a model dad and husband. I just feel so attached when a dysfunctionaL man seemingly trusts me enough to tell me he left his Family without guilt, also got thrown out by his wife for sneaking with an ex girlfriend, is toxic and no one should ever expect anything of him, is never capable of Loving again.

[Classicfiction]

45 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

But my dad was honestly a model dad and husband. I just feel so attached when a dysfunctionaL man seemingly trusts me enough to tell me he left his Family without guilt, also got thrown out by his wife for sneaking with an ex girlfriend, is toxic and no one should ever expect anything of him, is never capable of Loving again.

Your capitalization of the words Family and Loving is interesting, @financial_ad429.  If that's what you want then you're going to have to step away from the guys who are using you and accept a man who may not be as handsome or exciting.

That's what I'm personally coming to realize.  An "average joe" can become more and more attractive to you the more he values you and treats you with respect.  

[financial_ad429]

I can’t. Really can’t. I want the passion and excitement. I just want him bht no matter what angle I take he stays married, keeps hiding, and says he wants no relationship 

[Amanda92]

At the first date say that you are looking for something serious.

[Woggle]

Find excitement in healthier ways than dating drama prone men. There are better ways to feel passion. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, financial_ad429 said:

I can’t. Really can’t. I want the passion and excitement. I just want him bht no matter what angle I take he stays married, keeps hiding, and says he wants no relationship 

This type of attitude can also be indicative of low self worth. In your mind if you can get him to “choose you” that would prove that you’re worthy of being loved. 

[financial_ad429]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

This type of attitude can also be indicative of low self worth. In your mind if you can get him to “choose you” that would prove that you’re worthy of being loved. 

Yes. And if he doesn’t treat me all that well, he is so disordered (after already leaving his wife and son whom he said did nothing to deserve it while he led on his ex GF then inexplicably dumped her again even though he says she was his person) that his bad treatment says nothing personal about me. I am so comfortable in this role vs being vulnerable to someone emotionally available 

[Classicfiction]

43 minutes ago, financial_ad429 said:

Yes. And if he doesn’t treat me all that well, he is so disordered (after already leaving his wife and son whom he said did nothing to deserve it while he led on his ex GF then inexplicably dumped her again even though he says she was his person) that his bad treatment says nothing personal about me. I am so comfortable in this role vs being vulnerable to someone emotionally available 

Girl, I can totally relate to your situation.  But how horrible does it feel when they DO actually move on and stick with someone?  Because even if he treats the new woman just as crappy as he did you, there isn't really a way that you can know.

I've personally had enough of being ditched for younger, prettier women and had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror.  Now all these guys I snubbed for looking a bit haggard and aged, maybe with a paunch or a not so perfect smile... they all look like opportunities I missed for having an actual partner.  One who loves me and my flaws and who I could actually relax around.

How much time do you want to waste?  

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, Classicfiction said:

 

How much time do you want to waste?  

Right and remember that there will always be compromise. If you’re holding out for an unavailable man, it means you’re compromising on having a long term healthy relationship. All you really have is the “hope” or the fantasy that will never come to fruition (or else he wouldn’t be unavailable). 
 

The fantasy is safer in the short term. But 20 years from now, how do you want your life to look? Still chasing?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, financial_ad429 said:

But my dad was honestly a model dad and husband. 

It's not about childhood trauma or poor upbringing. This is your call. Your thing. There's women who go for prisoners and all sorts of trash. Google "hybristophilia"

There may be no psychopathology behind it. However you clearly have walls up in a detached outside-looking-in manner that precludes getting involved on any real level. It may make you feel superior when you can look down on heaps of garbage like this.

[basil67]

@financial_ad429 from reading this thread, it stands out that you only want and desire dysfunctional men.  To a point where you won't even bother with a man who's kind, loving and reliable.   

What sort of advice were you hoping for when making this thread -  were you just complaining about what your friend said?   Or do you actually want a better man in your life?

[financial_ad429]

2 hours ago, Classicfiction said:

Girl, I can totally relate to your situation.  But how horrible does it feel when they DO actually move on and stick with someone?  Because even if he treats the new woman just as crappy as he did you, there isn't really a way that you can know.

I've personally had enough of being ditched for younger, prettier women and had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror.  Now all these guys I snubbed for looking a bit haggard and aged, maybe with a paunch or a not so perfect smile... they all look like opportunities I missed for having an actual partner.  

How do I know? Because while claiming to be interested in her he was actively having Sex w me and sexting me- the most firsthand evidence possible…

I hear you but I just loathe the thought of settling and knowing I’m never going to have passion or that certain rush in my life ever again. I did this exact thing with my ex husband.