Complete craziness

[Classicfiction]

On 9/26/2021 at 5:01 AM, Drone said:

A classical "tango" partner for a person with BPD, is a narcissist. The Narcissist cannot stand a person with healthy boundaries, the BPD has none. The BPD gives the narcissist abundant attention, and this is the favorite food for a Narcissist, he craves it, even if it is negative attention (stalking, scandals, suicide threats). 

Perhaps this is something that could explain your BF behavior, it wasn't because he cared about her, or didn't want to cause trouble in his friend's couple, or he wanted to protect your feelings. Your boyfriend was willingly pulling the strings of this, sadly, emotionally unstable woman, to enjoy the unlimited attention he was getting from her. OP, you were supposed to be the sane, becoming wife, and she was supposed to fulfill his desires for sick little games and unlimited source of attention. If she really suffers from BPD (and I see the tell-tale signs: unstable relationships, black-and white splitting, emotional outbursts, suicide ideation), I doubt things were kept purely platonic, as BPD women are known for highly sexualised relating to the opposite sex.

With, or without sex, I think that your fiancé willingly created an emotional dependency in this woman, and enjoyed every ounce of attention she generously gave him. He is certainly not the nice man he wants you to believe he is. Most probably, if not full blown narcissist, he has strong narcissistic tendencies. 

I'm voting this is the situation.  I was caught between a bpder and a narc before.  There is always a third unsuspecting person who gets demolished by their back and forth dance.  Him blocking her and telling her sternly that he will file a restraining order is just going to make her want him that much more.  Once you are back to trusting him again, he'll let down the walls again and she'll be back.

He's got a nice guy image but it sounds like its an image.  She would not have flown off the handle like that if there wasn't some vibe (at the very least) that he had thrown off that gave her the idea that she could "beat" you.

I think its fairly common for the narc/bpd relationship pair to both be involved with other people and attempt to maintain those normal looking relationships in order to keep up the front.  But apparently the sordid affair is what they really enjoy... the forbiddeness, excitement of possibly getting caught, enjoyment of pulling the wool over the other partners eyes.

The two that I was caught between really enjoyed hinting at the affair in group settings but it would be extremely subtle.  It eventually caused me to have a nervous breakdown.  They are still going at it to this day.  Up until recently, he would still reach out to me and try to have contact.  I finally figured out that the only purpose of him maintaining contact with me was that it would set her off and she'd cheat on her current partner with him.  I would walk away from this.

[falxmanolo]

Update:

 

Firstly, thank you all for being such incredible sounding boards. At my lowest points, when I think how poorly my partner had treated me, I just flip it over and feel so beyond grateful that a community of anonymous people; who never seen me/know about me besides what i post here, have been such unbiased voice of reason.

This situation is about me & my heart & my longterm future. The essence of the matter is that my fiance betrayed my trust & put me in grave danger. That is simply unacceptable. Many of you here hinted at following your instinct & intuition. My instinct tells me there is more to this story than what is being told; but I may never know the truth. And frankly, how does it even matter now? My instinct also tells me that if I let go off this relationship, something better and more deserving of my energy will happen. So I had a calm conversation where I made these intentions clear to fiance & broke off the engagement/relationship. Of course he put up a battle, but I'm mentally DONE. I am craving peace, happiness & stability.. and staying in this limbo is giving me anxiety, sadness and pain. It's frankly traumatic to keep ruminating why would he do this & claim to be in love with me or claim to see me as his wife? What is love then? Can one love another and yet be capable of incredible deceit & pain? I've read, watched & talked about infidelity & the motives for it (Esther Perel is an incredible resource) & I understand most cheaters don't cheat with the intention of hurting their current partner but due to problems within the relationship or with themselves. I'm not being full of myself, but I think in my case, the problem was with with my partner. That gives me the closure I want & need. 

I just need to accept he has done it & this is also him.. that he is capable of incredible deceit & hurt. So, i will begin my healing journey today & hope therapy, friends & family will support me.

Thank you once again for your support loveshack  

[falxmanolo]

24 minutes ago, falxmanolo said:

Update:

 

Firstly, thank you all for being such incredible sounding boards. At my lowest points, when I think how poorly my partner had treated me, I just flip it over and feel so beyond grateful that a community of anonymous people; who never seen me/know about me besides what i post here, have been such unbiased voice of reason.

This situation is about me & my heart & my longterm future. The essence of the matter is that my fiance betrayed my trust & put me in grave danger. That is simply unacceptable. Many of you here hinted at following your instinct & intuition. My instinct tells me there is more to this story than what is being told; but I may never know the truth. And frankly, how does it even matter now? My instinct also tells me that if I let go off this relationship, something better and more deserving of my energy will happen. So I had a calm conversation where I made these intentions clear to fiance & broke off the engagement/relationship. Of course he put up a battle, but I'm mentally DONE. I am craving peace, happiness & stability.. and staying in this limbo is giving me anxiety, sadness and pain. It's frankly traumatic to keep ruminating why would he do this & claim to be in love with me or claim to see me as his wife? What is love then? Can one love another and yet be capable of incredible deceit & pain? I've read, watched & talked about infidelity & the motives for it (Esther Perel is an incredible resource) & I understand most cheaters don't cheat with the intention of hurting their current partner but due to problems within the relationship or with themselves. I'm not being full of myself, but I think in my case, the problem was with with my partner. That gives me the closure I want & need. 

I just need to accept he has done it & this is also him.. that he is capable of incredible deceit & hurt. So, i will begin my healing journey today & hope therapy, friends & family will support me.

Thank you once again for your support loveshack  

Another confession- I was honestly SCARED to call things off officially because i was genuinely worried that my fiance & this crazy chick would get together & somehow I would've been made a fool of. It came from a place of fear. There is ALL possibility that my fiance & crazy chick actually legitimise their dynamic but if that's meant to be then so be it. It is not a representation of me or a failure for me. And even if it is a failure or if I've been made a fool of, at least I walked away from it with dignity. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, falxmanolo said:

I've read, watched & talked about infidelity & the motives for it (Esther Perel is an incredible resource)...

Yes she is, I talk about her a lot on this forum.  She's amazing, I've learned (and continue to learn) so much from her.

You sound strong!  And did what was best for you, that is very empowering and will serve you well in all your future relationships.

In closing, IF your ex and this nutcase should get together, it is not a poor reflection on you that you should feel like a fool. 

HE will be the fool, not you. 

All the best moving forward! 

 

 

[Stret]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You sound strong! 

Agreed. I too learned something from this post. 

I hit me while I was reading her last message, that she did something in a week's time that would have taken me a year or two and a lot of pain and anxiety. Well, that's me in the past. Me now has not had a relationship for years and would not hesitate to get rid of anyone that treats me badly, lies, etc. I did not start a relationship last year because the guy had too many too close female friends (I posted about it). His words meant nothing, I listened to myself and saved myself trouble. It felt bad for a little while and now I barely remember him.  

[LynneVicious]

On 9/25/2021 at 6:37 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I realize they both claim that. 

But I very much doubt their claims, I’m afraid to say. She’s emotionally unstable, without question, but I don’t think you have the whole story here at all.

In complete agreement. Something isn’t adding up. I would certainly put the wedding on HOLD and get to the bottom of it. 

ala Judge Judy: “If something doesn’t make sense it’s because it’s not true” 

[Daisydooks]

15 hours ago, falxmanolo said:

Update:

 

Firstly, thank you all for being such incredible sounding boards. At my lowest points, when I think how poorly my partner had treated me, I just flip it over and feel so beyond grateful that a community of anonymous people; who never seen me/know about me besides what i post here, have been such unbiased voice of reason.

This situation is about me & my heart & my longterm future. The essence of the matter is that my fiance betrayed my trust & put me in grave danger. That is simply unacceptable. Many of you here hinted at following your instinct & intuition. My instinct tells me there is more to this story than what is being told; but I may never know the truth. And frankly, how does it even matter now? My instinct also tells me that if I let go off this relationship, something better and more deserving of my energy will happen. So I had a calm conversation where I made these intentions clear to fiance & broke off the engagement/relationship. Of course he put up a battle, but I'm mentally DONE. I am craving peace, happiness & stability.. and staying in this limbo is giving me anxiety, sadness and pain. It's frankly traumatic to keep ruminating why would he do this & claim to be in love with me or claim to see me as his wife? What is love then? Can one love another and yet be capable of incredible deceit & pain? I've read, watched & talked about infidelity & the motives for it (Esther Perel is an incredible resource) & I understand most cheaters don't cheat with the intention of hurting their current partner but due to problems within the relationship or with themselves. I'm not being full of myself, but I think in my case, the problem was with with my partner. That gives me the closure I want & need. 

I just need to accept he has done it & this is also him.. that he is capable of incredible deceit & hurt. So, i will begin my healing journey today & hope therapy, friends & family will support me.

Thank you once again for your support loveshack  

I am incredibly proud of you. I am so sorry for the hurt and the pain you're feeling right now, but you are strong, brave and resilient!  Gentle hugs, if you want them! 

[LynneVicious]

Just read your update. I congratulate you for trusting your intuition. Not an easy thing to do when your heart is telling you otherwise. You’re a strong woman. Godspeed!

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened. The more I read about the party and what each person said, the more this resembled what happened to a friend of mine.

I don’t know whether my friend was ever involved with the woman but a woman became obsessed with him. She stalked him, turned up on his doorstep regularly, and when he got a restraining order against her, she started writing letters to him. My friend was very attractive and charismatic, but also very straight and honest with people. 

The woman was suffering from a delusional mental illness. The delusion was that he was her soulmate and that they were destined to be together. She was convinced of this, in spite of all his protestations to the contrary.

When this started initially, I would assume they had had a brief meeting, relationship or encounter of some sort and after that she clung to him. He tried the ‘nice’ way of putting her off, telling her that he wasn’t the one and eventually that he had met a girl who later became his wife. This woman still persisted. He tried nicely talking to her, dealing with her dramatic threats, and eventually when he realised there was an obsession involved and she was turning up at his home at all hours of the day and night, he involved the police. At some point, she was sectioned and taken into a psychiatric hospital.

My friend has since moved abroad with his wife (for other reasons) but the last thing I heard about the woman was that she had been in and out of hospital over several years but still maintained this delusion.

I think the obsession was called de Clerambault’s Syndrome.

I felt very sorry for this woman but also concerned that my friend was having to up his security to keep this woman away from him and his girlfriend. 

Only a psychiatrist would be able to assess the woman you are concerned about to see if she was genuinely delusional. If it is true that your boyfriend has not reciprocated - and the woman herself says this is the case - this illness could explain things.

I am not normally someone who would suggest a woman had a mental illness because she had fallen for a guy, but there are aspects of this that don’t make sense. If they had had a fling, for example, and he was still leading her on in the background, why would she crazily crash your party to tell all and sundry that she and your boyfriend were soulmates? It would not make sense for him to invite that sort of drama into his life. By all of the accounts you mentioned, he has a good reputation and character. Maybe she is being entirely honest in this and, sadly, truly believes they are soulmates and destined to be together. Your boyfriend could have been trying to deal with this, not realising that she cannot be reasoned out of it.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Good job. You know you're in trouble---in crazy danger zone--when you're worried about someone's basic safety and physical wellbeing.

BF, I don't care how many times he apologizes, has a tolerance for insanity and manipulation and you are smart to stop things because it's a complete myth that bf's behavior and the woman's behavior would change if you got married. Marriage changes nothing in people's behavior in any kind of automatic way. Nothing!

I don't mean to be critical, but seriously, you want to hear the alarm much earlier than you did here.  Anytime something doesn't feel good, trust that and pause, pause until you are fully reassured, not partially, fully. This will not be the only zany person to come into your bf's life. Trust me, there are others on the way. Stay away from him.

Good luck and congratulations for cutting things off. Frankly, bf is a disaster either way: if he cheated with her or not. Either way his capacity to be a steady partner is non-existence. He's either spineless or a cheater-liar, and he might well be both. 

Oh and trust me the shame of marrying a fool like this is far worse than any embarrassment about breaking up and calling off an engagement. OMG, not even close. As you continue to date, "sanity." That's the feeling you're looking for: sanity. 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Lotsgoingon