Complete craziness

[IrinaM]

Hugs @falxmanolo

i know this is a hard time for you. a few years ago i was in a situation with a few resemblances to yours. Not the same, but it also involved a man i had a very cherished bond with trying to sell me on an unlikely story. and a third party lunatic.

For me, when a situation is highly emotionally charged, I take some space from the situation. Because emotions will "clear up." When my feelings are trying to get me to ignore the facts, I find that taking myself out of the situation, to the greatest degree possible, really helps. Eventually my feelings come around to acknowledging the (painful) reality.

[falxmanolo]

5 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

Hugs @falxmanolo

i know this is a hard time for you. a few years ago i was in a situation with a few resemblances to yours. Not the same, but it also involved a man i had a very cherished bond with trying to sell me on an unlikely story. and a third party lunatic.

For me, when a situation is highly emotionally charged, I take some space from the situation. Because emotions will "clear up." When my feelings are trying to get me to ignore the facts, I find that taking myself out of the situation, to the greatest degree possible, really helps. Eventually my feelings come around to acknowledging the (painful) reality.

Thanks Irina xx 

i am grateful for your insight. I will continue to reflect in silence. 

[IrinaM]

Quote

They both claim it was one-sided. I understand why he would lie about it. Why must she lie about it?

She is operating under the assumption that the two of you are staying together, and therefore you have some level of control over her access to her unrequited love. She doesn't want you to take your bf away from her.

so don't trust what she says. She wants access to your bf, and will say/do whatever to get it.

also, i think going to tend to her in the midst of her various crises speaks very loudly, i care about you, i want to make sure you are ok, i'm here for you. the fact that he kept those meetings secret from you (and likely asked her to keep it secret too) communicates that those meetings are secret. That there is something between them that nobody else can know about. So even if that's "all" there is, just those actions communicate a lot. He has made clear to her how he feels, that he values her.

[falxmanolo]

2 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

She is operating under the assumption that the two of you are staying together, and therefore you have some level of control over her access to her unrequited love. She doesn't want you to take your bf away from her.

so don't trust what she says. She wants access to your bf, and will say/do whatever to get it.

also, i think going to tend to her in the midst of her various crises speaks very loudly, i care about you, i want to make sure you are ok, i'm here for you. the fact that he kept those meetings secret from you (and likely asked her to keep it secret too) communicates that those meetings are secret. That there is something between them that nobody else can know about. So even if that's "all" there is, just those actions communicate a lot. He has made clear to her how he feels, that he values her.

Couple of things here;

-she explicitly expressed her desire to be with my bf & desire to break our engagement. She 100% wants us to break-up. 

-she, her bf & my bf have always been besties. He has always treated her with immense love & care. Thats how he treats all his friends tbh. I'm not saying it to make him sound like a saint. But that is truly him & some of the reasons I fell for him, he is one of those frustratingly nice people. Perhaps bordering on self-sacrificial & people-pleasing levels? 

[Gaeta]

He lied because he prioratized her over you. 

Think about it. He was willing to risk all he has with you so he could keep 'whatever' what was going on with her. 

It doesn't matter if they're was  nothing sexual between them, your BF's bond with you isn't strong enough for him to 'protect' it above all. 

[poppyfields]

What I find strange (and frankly unbelievable - literally) is that this nutjob was unstable and irrational enough to crash your party and wreak all this havoc screaming she's in love with your FI...

While at the SAME time she was calm, stable and rational enough to admit it was only one-sided?

I mean delusional is delusional, people that whacked would have deluded themselves into believing the person (your FI) loved them back, NOT admit it was one-sided. Makes no sense.

She told you "the reason we are not together is because of YOU"!  Yeah something definitely happened between them which is why your FI kept secrets about their meeting(s).

Ever see the movie, Fatal Attraction?

That's exactly what Glenn Close told Michael Douglas' wife when she broke into their bathroom with a knife prepared to stab her after they (Michael  Douglas and and Glenn Close) had a steamy sexual fling one weekend while wife was out of town.

Where there is smoke there is fire, something happened between them, don't delude yourself into believing otherwise. 

If your FI had come clean to you about it, you may have had a chance.

But as it stands, he is and has been lying to you.  So this is DONE. 

I'm sorry this happened.  If me, I'd break it off.  Which is what I advise you to do.

Stop being livid and just end it. 

Good luck whatever you decide. 

Edited September 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[falxmanolo]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What I find strange (and frankly unbelievable - literally) is that this nutjob was unstable and irrational enough to crash your party and wreak all this havoc screaming she's in love with your FI...

While at the SAME time she was calm, stable and rational enough to admit it was only one-sided?

I mean delusional is delusional, people that whacked would have deluded themselves into believing the person (your FI) loved them back, NOT admit it was one-sided. Makes no sense.

She told you "the reason we are not together is because of YOU"!  Yeah something definitely happened between them which is why your FI kept secrets about their meeting(s).

Ever see the movie, Fatal Attraction?

That's exactly what Glenn Close told Michael Douglas' wife when she broke into their bathroom with a knife prepared to stab her after they (Michael  Douglas and and Glenn Close) had a steamy sexual fling one weekend while wife was out of town.

Where there is smoke there is fire, something happened between them, don't delude yourself into believing otherwise. 

Your FI is and has been lying to you. 

I'm sorry this happened.  If me, I'd break it off.  Which is what I advise you to do.

Stop being livid and just end it. 

Good luck whatever you decide. 

Thank you for your perspective,

She continued to blow up my phone & prior to getting the RO, I had to understand her perspective too. I had a very calm discussion where she legit said “he doesn’t know he is my soulmate, he has never said anything to lead me on but I know he is my soulmate”. They’ve never had a physical relationship. He has always treated her the way he treats his best friends. 
 

as for the meetings, I’ve seen the text messages & call records. They are always initiated by her & prior to the two meetings she did blow up his phone with quite scary messages. 
 

all that aside, I still strongly feel my bf should’ve been upfront about all of this. If I have to be blunt, I genuinely don’t feel he reciprocated feelings for her. Did he enjoy the attention? Did he literally just enter people pleasing mode? Did he just think he was being a good friend? Very possible. But I don’t feel I have reason to doubt the integrity of feelings he has for me. But I do feel angry that he concealed this information from me. 

[poppyfields]

I don't doubt the integrity of his feelings for you either, I'm sure he loves you a lot.  And was trying to protect you. 

Whether something physically happened or he enjoyed her attention, the fact he hasn't nipped this insanity in the bud speaks volumes, and not in a good way.

Like I said, where there is smoke there is fire, which has proven true in more cases than not. 

In any event, if you havent seen the movie Fatal Attraction, I suggest you watch.  There are a lot of similarities.

In fact, I may watch it again myself!  Great movie, a classic. 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, falxmanolo said:

(bf & i are from similar socioeconomic backgrounds).

What does this have to do with anything and what does it mean?  That you two look good on paper?  He obviously has an emotional connection with this girl, has probably had sex with her and is lying to you.  What was his best friend doing while all of this was going on?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, falxmanolo said:

that is truly him & some of the reasons I fell for him, he is one of those frustratingly nice people. 

That's ok. However, Father Teresa needs boundaries and he needs to make you a priority.

It's fine to be kind to friends and strangers, but not at the expense of your primary loved one's peace, safety and comfort.

[falxmanolo]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don't doubt the integrity of his feelings for you either, I'm sure he loves you a lot.  And was trying to protect you. 

Whether something physically happened or he enjoyed her attention, the fact he hasn't nipped this insanity in the bud speaks volumes, and not in a good way.

Like I said, where there is smoke there is fire, which has proven true in more cases than not. 

In any event, if you havent seen the movie Fatal Attraction, I suggest you watch.  There are a lot of similarities.

In fact, I may watch it again myself!  Great movie, a classic. 

 

 

I just read the plot and frankly it made me consider breaking off the engagement who has energy for drama like that?! I’m exhausted typing about this/thinking about it 

 

perhaps it would be best for my sanity to dump all this but I saw a therapist who told me to first collect my thoughts, park aside emotions and then take a call when I’m completely at peace. 
 

I was thinking along similar lines too, why did he feel comfortable to jeopardise the relationship we shared that HE endlessly pursued. No one asked him to propose So much to speculate 

so little answers 

[falxmanolo]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What does this have to do with anything and what does it mean?  That you two look good on paper?  He obviously has an emotional connection with this girl, has probably had sex with her and is lying to you.  What was his best friend doing while all of this was going on?

It means, he was not marrying me to gain anything financially; which was something she was implying. 
of course he has an emotional connection with her, they were best friends even before I knew him. The sex.. I don’t know.. perhaps? Who knows? 
 

so the best friend & chick have a v dysfunctional relationship. He was caught by surprise at her behaviour too. My bf had to show the best friend this chick’s erratic messages & endless missed calls to the best friend for the best friend to be reassured that it was indeed one-sided. He is obviously distraught but I think this is not the first time something like this has happened to them. 

[glows]

It would be difficult to trust someone after these events. What she is or isn't doesn't matter. I'd address the relationship and end it.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, falxmanolo said:

I was thinking along similar lines too, why did he feel comfortable to jeopardise the relationship we shared that HE endlessly pursued. No one asked him to propose  

Why does any man in love with one woman (a gf, fiance, wife) jeopardize the relationship for a quick fling?

Because they can, and it's exciting.  They dont anticipate the woman going nuts on him like this chick did.

I do believe HER in claiming he does not reciprocate her feelings.  I have no doubt that's true.

However, it doesn't mean that something didn't happen between them.

I think it did, she feels rejected, which is why she is behaving so psycho now. 

And why she blames you.  Has convinced herself if not for you, they'd be together.  She even told you that!!

Watch the movie!  If for no other reason than it's a great movie! 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Watch the movie!  If for no other reason than it's a great movie! 

 

One of the best!

[IrinaM]

something else to think about, not only did he betray you, but he betrayed his "best friend." This (clueless) guy was completely taken aback by his gf's crazed love confessions and all the text messages between her & your guy. That's not right.

[stillafool]

What was this girl saying to her bf after this happened?  Did he grab her to try to calm her down?  He probably no longer trusts you bf.  Is he the best man?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, falxmanolo said:

I saw a therapist who told me to first collect my thoughts, park aside emotions and then take a call when I’m completely at peace. 

Yes do that. Take time to reflect in peace and you'll see the puzzle pieces start fitting together. Then you can decide what to do about all this.

[falxmanolo]

6 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

something else to think about, not only did he betray you, but he betrayed his "best friend." This (clueless) guy was completely taken aback by his gf's crazed love confessions and all the text messages between her & your guy. That's not right.

Honestly, this is what made me lose respect for my bf initially. So my bf sat me down with his best friend & explained that he couldn’t tell me because he was worried it would jeopardise our relationship & in his eyes, it was just a strange phase she’s going through (her mother has just got a cancer diagnosis earlier this year). The reason for not telling the best friend is because he didn’t want them to not work out because of some phase she was going through. He also claims he was embarrassed by all of this. 

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was this girl saying to her bf after this happened?  Did he grab her to try to calm her down?  He probably no longer trusts you bf.  Is he the best man?

She actually completely ignored him! She was really not in a state to make sense of what she was doing. He thought she was pulling a prank of sorts. He was v distraught with my bf, but since they had the conversation to clear the air, although he’s mad at my bf for not telling sooner, he seems to have come to peace with the fact that his gf has behaved inappropriately. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, falxmanolo said:

So bf sat me down with his best friend & explained that he couldn’t tell me because he was worried it would jeopardise our relationship & in his eyes, it was just a strange phase she’s going through (her mother has just got a cancer diagnosis earlier this year). The reason for not telling the best friend is because he didn’t want them to not work out because of some phase she was going through. He also claims he was embarrassed by all of this. 

Nice spin.

Not buying it and you shouldn't either. 

I truly hope you do not marry him, but take some time for yourself before making a decision.

Find peace.  Be happy. 

Edited September 25, 2021 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, falxmanolo said:

he seems to have come to peace with the fact that his gf has behaved inappropriately. 

I guarantee this won't last long.  After he has a chance to think about everything that happens he is going to come to the same conclusion as the majority of this thread, that something has happened between them, and it will affect their relationship.  I don't understand why he hasn't broken up with her.

[falxmanolo]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Nice spin.

Not buying it and you shouldn't either. 

Tell me why? 
 

It is true that she has been acting more erratic with all of our friends since her mother’s diagnosis. One of our friend’s recently had a miscarriage and she said some of the most insensitive things one can imagine saying to a grieving woman. 

as for the bf.. I don’t know.. it’s an open secret that they have a strange dynamic 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Nice spin.

Not buying it and you shouldn't either. 

Yeah I don't buy it either.  Lots of peoples mothers are diagnosed with diseases ( including mine diagnosed with cancer and only 6 mos to live) doesn't start running after their mates best friend.  You might fall into a deep depression and can hardly move because of grief.

[falxmanolo]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I guarantee this won't last long.  After he has a chance to think about everything that happens he is going to come to the same conclusion as the majority of this thread, that something has happened between them, and it will affect their relationship.  I don't understand why he hasn't broken up with her.

They have a very very long history, spanning 15 years where they’ve constantly cheated/dated/left/re-entered each other’s life. She refers to him as the love of her life. He buys her crypto they have an odd but almost sweet psycho relationship? 

[falxmanolo]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yeah I don't buy it either.  Lots of peoples mothers are diagnosed with diseases ( including mine diagnosed with cancer and only 6 mos to live) doesn't start running after their mates best friend.  You might fall into a deep depression and can hardly move because of grief.

So after my bf decided to cut ties with her completely by blocking her etc she then went back to HER bf and repented for her behaviour & begged for forgiveness. She’s been swinging like a pendulum between extremes. I don’t think she’s in w good headspace