Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 52 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: It is very easy to not be single anymore: lower your standards. Similarly if a house was on the market for too long but wasn't selling. Most people do this unconsciously as they get older and the urge to settle down gets stronger. Yes, if standards are unrealistic, reassessing and adjusting to more realistic standards will give one more options.
poppyfields Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Yes, if standards are unrealistic, reassessing and adjusting to more realistic standards will give one more options. Or how about learning to love your singleness, embrace it. Learn to be OK and happy on your own. That way you are not forced to lower standards and "settle." I certainly wouldn't, I'd rather be alone, in fact I prefer it to someone and something I view as mediocre. And would feel that way no matter how old I am.... Edited October 1, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Lotsgoingon Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Only you can know if your standards are unrealistic. Most of us unconsciously adjust our standards to match with our possibilities. But I heartily endorse poppyfields' recommendation: get to love your single life. There's actually a lot of research on single people vs. coupled and married people. Single people are far happier than what most people might think. And it's not even clear that married people are less lonely than single people. You want to build up your single life, make it genuinely fun and satisfying and rich. Single people can do all kinds of things (like spur of the moment activities) that married and coupled people typically have to negotiate with a partner. Build up a great single life. Period. For its own sake. And then yes, ironically that will result in you meeting many more people and make you a lot more attractive. We love people who have great lives and contentment. But you don't want to build your single life just to be more attractive. That doesn't quite work. 1 1
Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Or how about learning to love your singleness, embrace it. Learn to be OK and happy on your own. That way you are not forced to lower standards and "settle." Yes totally agree. Settling though is not taking less than you want; it’s taking less than you can get. If the OP wants to be in a relationship yet by his own admission, the women he’s attracted to aren’t interested in him he’s going to have to settle somewhere. Either stay single (which he doesn’t want) or try women less attractive.
glows Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 (edited) You lean very heavily on someone else for your contentment and that's a turn off. There's hope yet if you are able to find contentment and joy in your life. You mentioned your job being a whole other topic. Find passions you're passionate about, be a go-getter and end up enjoy the company of others too. If you're religious, I'd start joining groups in your community. There is one local church near me and about a gazillion different outreach groups and programs for the interested. Edited October 1, 2021 by glows
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Yes totally agree. Settling though is not taking less than you want; it’s taking less than you can get. If the OP wants to be in a relationship yet by his own admission, the women he’s attracted to aren’t interested in him he’s going to have to settle somewhere. Either stay single (which he doesn’t want) or try women less attractive. As I mentioned in a previous post 2 years ago I did try exactly this - getting to know a woman for almost two years who I wasn't attracted to but had a great connection with. It didn't work. Wasn't a total waste of time as I enjoyed the friendship. How can you be with someone you don't find physically attractive? In the same way the vast majority of women couldn't be with a man shorter than them. I'm definitely more open to dating a wider range of women now compared to when I was younger so in that sense you could say I'm lowering my standards but trying to find someone suitable is proving to be challenging. That is until this last woman who was pretty much what I was looking for...or so I thought.
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 18 hours ago, glows said: You lean very heavily on someone else for your contentment and that's a turn off. There's hope yet if you are able to find contentment and joy in your life. You mentioned your job being a whole other topic. Find passions you're passionate about, be a go-getter and end up enjoy the company of others too. If you're religious, I'd start joining groups in your community. There is one local church near me and about a gazillion different outreach groups and programs for the interested. I need to get more involved.
Author despairingbuttrying Posted October 2, 2021 Author Posted October 2, 2021 20 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Only you can know if your standards are unrealistic. Most of us unconsciously adjust our standards to match with our possibilities. But I heartily endorse poppyfields' recommendation: get to love your single life. There's actually a lot of research on single people vs. coupled and married people. Single people are far happier than what most people might think. And it's not even clear that married people are less lonely than single people. You want to build up your single life, make it genuinely fun and satisfying and rich. Single people can do all kinds of things (like spur of the moment activities) that married and coupled people typically have to negotiate with a partner. Build up a great single life. Period. For its own sake. And then yes, ironically that will result in you meeting many more people and make you a lot more attractive. We love people who have great lives and contentment. But you don't want to build your single life just to be more attractive. That doesn't quite work. Grass is greener as they say. You're right, I suppose singleness is stereotypically depicted as sad and miserable and certainly if you're still single by a certain age then there just has to be something wrong with you (especially if people around at the same age are settling down). In trying and praying that I can see this long term singleness as a positive and not some underlying failure.
glows Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 32 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said: I need to get more involved. Well, it's not a given that you'll find someone who matches with you or is compatible with you but it's a start in a healthier direction. Your mind won't be fixated on the idea of failure if you keep attaining realistic goals or meeting people who are kind and are good to you or also share the same outlook or interests. There's friendship or solidarity/community in that which may even surpass the desire for a relationship or at least help put things in perspective.
Alpacalia Posted October 2, 2021 Posted October 2, 2021 47 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said: Grass is greener as they say. You're right, I suppose singleness is stereotypically depicted as sad and miserable and certainly if you're still single by a certain age then there just has to be something wrong with you (especially if people around at the same age are settling down). In trying and praying that I can see this long term singleness as a positive and not some underlying failure. This is true. Think of people that are going through a divorce and they would envy where you are right now.
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