6 years of singleness - will it ever end?

[despairingbuttrying]

Some of you may be aware of this story as I have told you of my recent experience dating this lady over the last month or so.  I thank you all for your time and comments and advice.  Much appreciated and I thought it was time to post on here as well given the aftermath of what happened (and there were a few of you who encouraged me to do so).  

Without getting into the specific details, I was dating her for about a month, slightly long distance and we texted every day, quite a few lengthy phone calls and we spent two entire weekends together after a short initial meeting.  Although that doesn't seem very long, we really did connect or so I thought at least, found each other attractive and so on.  Last weekend which was my birthday infact I decided to spend it with her. I now realise that was a mistake as for most people your birthday can be an emotional day and spending it with someone who you don't know that well is a risk.  And in this case it's a risk that didn't pay off.  In brief, although there were some nice moments, I made some silly comments which did not go down well with her and as a result it led to probably killing the attraction.  Some of you will know the comments that I made and many of you have said that they were not extreme.  But I do think they were inappropriate despite the fact that I was joking and I apologised profusely.  Regardless, she didn't feel they were right and the day after I got back from seeing her we spoke on the phone and she said she wasn't at peace and couldn't get over the comments I made and she would take some time to think it over and decide whether we could continue dating.  A few days later, she texted me to say she hadn't changed her mind and wished me the best.  I reiterated those comments were out of character and I hated that she was hurting from them. I wished her the best as well and that was it.  

This was the closest I've come now to a relationship in more than 6 years.  I finally meet someone I am genuinely interested in (because that has been really difficult), have an attraction and a good connection with, only for it to end so abruptly.  I genuinely thought that this could work out and I would finally have a gf after all these years, and in a way that's why I went up to see her for my birthday.  I was feeling positive about the whole situation.  

I sometimes think maybe a relationship/marriage just isn't going to happen for me, no matter how much I want it.  I know dating isn't easy and for many of you on here you will be feeling the same.  I am battling against falling into self pity and a downward spiral of negativity but after 6 years, what hope is there of a breakthrough?  The two previous relationships I did have at 32 (3 months) and then at 29 (1 year) were both psychologically abusive as I didn't have boundaries and I let these women take advantage of my patience and tolerance by constantly testing me, gaslighting and disrespecting me.  So yeah I'm approaching the end of my 30s and I've had one pathetic relationship of 3 months.  I have dated alot though in this time, we're taking tons of first dates, a few second and third dates but it doesn't generally get past that stage.  Why?  Because I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa.  All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me.  This last girl who I spent the last month dating was the first girl in 6 years that I genuinely felt attracted to, connected to and wanted to pursue, hence the disappointment and sadness.  

There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take.  I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes.  I just want to meet my equal.  That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes.  I'm 38 now, 6"2, sporty, have my own flat, a job that is nothing special but a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable but none of this appears to be enough.  

I have had many years in therapy and counselling when I was younger and most recently a few years ago.  I'm not sure any of it has really helped in terms of my overall progress but it helped that I had someone to talk to.  Perhaps I need that again.  I don't know what else to do.  I continue to go on dating apps, websites, try to meet women at church and other social events but it seems super hard to have what I see as the three essential aspects - a physical attraction, an emotional connection/compatibility and enough similar interests and for me as a Christian, a fellow believer.  I have gone on dates with many women who have had 2 or 3 of those key areas.  This last girl I felt ticked every one.  I messed up an opportunity but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. 

[d0nnivain]

I am sorry things did not work out.  I went back to look at your other threads.  I was trying to find what you said that caused this lady to decide she didn't want to date you.   I found a old thread from 2018 where you were lamenting being a 35 year old virgin.   That tells me you had limited social skills.  Have you done anything to improve your social skills?  That may be part of your problem.  

Again I don't know what your joke was, but off color humor can ruin things.  There was just a thread by a poster named emilyinroses.  She was out with a guy she found very attractive who made a bad "joke" about wanting to sexually abuse her.  Although most concluded it was a a joke the inappropriateness of it caused Emily to rightly be done with the guy.  Maybe you could get some insights from reading that thread.  Coupled with whatever you said, you will hopefully gain some more insight into how jokes can bomb so you don't repeat that mistake again. 

If you truly want a relationship, what are you doing to get one?  IMO you need to work at expanding the pool of potentially available people to date.  Do you have a profile up on OLD with quality photos & a good bio?  If not, start there.  Do you volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about so you can meet like minded people?  Are you a member of any clubs or groups that do things that interest you?  Again you are looking for like minded people.  Assuming its safe to do so with Covid are you out & about doing things where you can meet people?  Do you attend singles events?   In short step up your game.  

[despairingbuttrying]

37 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am sorry things did not work out.  I went back to look at your other threads.  I was trying to find what you said that caused this lady to decide she didn't want to date you.   I found a old thread from 2018 where you were lamenting being a 35 year old virgin.   That tells me you had limited social skills.  Have you done anything to improve your social skills?  That may be part of your problem.  

Again I don't know what your joke was, but off color humor can ruin things.  There was just a thread by a poster named emilyinroses.  She was out with a guy she found very attractive who made a bad "joke" about wanting to sexually abuse her.  Although most concluded it was a a joke the inappropriateness of it caused Emily to rightly be done with the guy.  Maybe you could get some insights from reading that thread.  Coupled with whatever you said, you will hopefully gain some more insight into how jokes can bomb so you don't repeat that mistake again. 

If you truly want a relationship, what are you doing to get one?  IMO you need to work at expanding the pool of potentially available people to date.  Do you have a profile up on OLD with quality photos & a good bio?  If not, start there.  Do you volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about so you can meet like minded people?  Are you a member of any clubs or groups that do things that interest you?  Again you are looking for like minded people.  Assuming its safe to do so with Covid are you out & about doing things where you can meet people?  Do you attend singles events?   In short step up your game.  

Hi Donnivain, 

I did actually PM you exactly what happened and the comments I made which weren't great but certainly nowhere as bad as what this guy said to emily.  That was way beyond the line.  I really wish I could back my comments but it's too late now. 

My celibacy is due to my Christian faith and yes at that time I was lamenting.  Perhaps I still am over this.  I'm not sure, it is still on my mind from time to time.  Like I said then I've plenty of sexual experiences throughout my years, just not intercourse so I'm not sure if some people would even classify me as a virgin still.  Anyway, as I said I can still get matches, go on dates and create attraction.  I guess this time I really messed up. But then some have said, including yourself infact regarding this situation, that she couldn't take a joke and should have seen it as such.  I'm sure some women would have but obviously she didn't and I had to pay for that.  It's a shame but nothing I can do now.  

[d0nnivain]

Sorry.  I re-read the PM.  My suggestion that you read Emily's post is even more relevant now.  Maybe it was a bad thing to joke about  So not you know going forward don't say words like "control" 

Instead of searching in the secular world go to more things related to your faith to find a like minded woman.  Speak to your minister.  Attend Christian based singles events.  If you are getting matches things are better than you think.   Also if you are not having sex, steer clear of sleep overs.  

[chillii]

She sounds very very uptight and unforgiving though op. My guess would be if she's that stringent one,  she'll probably remain single her life or two , imagine what she'd be like living with day in and out once you really got to know her. Silly things coming out wrong can be undone with reasonable people.

As far as the future , don't know but l've always thought churchy people must have it made going to church and being near so many others for quite a stint and going in and out too . Not many other things in life give that kind of opportunity around so many with a common interest.

You seem to get dates ok though and that's also a big thing so it's really mainly a matter of that right one more so. Which l know of course is never an easy thing for any one but you do have half of it going for you .

Best of luck anyway , keep the faith.

Edited September 25, 2021 by chillii

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I did actually PM you exactly what happened and the comments I made...

 

I responded to a similar PM that you sent me. You never got back to me.

Did you receive my response??

[Alpacalia]

OP if two people are further along in their relationship, these types of statements aren't as bothersome, but she thought the choice of words was a little too intense in the setting (like I mentioned earlier).

It could have simply been too soon.

You can't, however, beat yourself up about it and think that now you'll be single for the rest of your life.

My male family members found love after a long period of being single while they were in their 60s and 70s.

40 is still young in this day and age. 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Alpaca

[introverted1]

OP, there was nothing wrong with what you said to her.  As @chillii mentioned, this is essentially a bullet dodged, as this woman would have had you walking on eggshells.  And no matter how careful you were, she is someone who was bound to become upset over some perceived transgression.

Quote

  I'm 38 now, 6"2, sporty, have my own flat, a job that is nothing special but a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable but none of this appears to be enough.  

If this is the case, perhaps you need to engage a life coach or similar who can provide an honest assessment of what's keeping you from meeting women in whom you are interested, and vice versa.  On the surface, it appears you should not have any difficulty, so perhaps there is more to it than we can assess here.

[despairingbuttrying]

19 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I responded to a similar PM that you sent me. You never got back to me.

Did you receive my response??

Hey just PMed you.  Thanks

[despairingbuttrying]

16 hours ago, introverted1 said:

OP, there was nothing wrong with what you said to her.  As @chillii mentioned, this is essentially a bullet dodged, as this woman would have had you walking on eggshells.  And no matter how careful you were, she is someone who was bound to become upset over some perceived transgression.

If this is the case, perhaps you need to engage a life coach or similar who can provide an honest assessment of what's keeping you from meeting women in whom you are interested, and vice versa.  On the surface, it appears you should not have any difficulty, so perhaps there is more to it than we can assess here.

@chillii

@introverted1

@Alpaca

I think one of the most painful feelings in life maybe is very nearly attaining something you really want, only for it to slip away.  I'm not saying this woman was the right one, like you've said she may have reacted far worse in the future but from what I saw and experienced at least for me, there were largely positive experiences even in the short time we spend together.  I haven't had that for a long, long time with a girl.  That's why I'm wondering how long it will be until I find that connection again.  

Like I mentioned above, to have had only one short relationship in the last 6 years, as a guy who is fairly decent looking (so I've been told), fairly intelligent (so I've been told), 6"2, sporty, having my own flat, a job that doesn't satisfy me but provides a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable etc. is just not good enough which is why at times I do feel like failure.  Add to that not having a real career but rather just a job which I don't have much feeling behind (but that's another entirely different topic).  I feel like what a waste it's been.  As I said, I've been on many dates over these years, I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa.  Perhaps I thought I'm being too picky so a few years ago, I dated a girl who was keen on me for a few months who I found attractive but had no real connection with and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop as she was really into me as well. It never did.  Perhaps I thought I need to lower my standards, so I was very close friends with another lady more recently who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction.  She was very keen so I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did.  

I'm not perfect, clearly I have my flaws and moments of madness like when I made those silly comments to this last girl, but at least on paper and inherently, I want to believe I have what it takes but clearly there seems to be something wrong.  Or... is it simply bad luck?  I know it's a numbers game to some extent and like I said I have been on so many dates now.  Something else that has been mentioned often, is that I simply need to stop looking and searching and focus on simply enjoying life and it'll happen when I least expect it and so on.  This I think is nearly impossible for me.  I think my singleness and this search to find my marriage partner has and is always on my mind, not obsessively like every hour of the day, but it's a priority so of course I have to try and keep looking.  

As I get older now as well, socialising becomes more challenging, let alone finding a woman who you have a great connection, attraction and similar interests with.  The more setbacks and negative experiences only create more doubt and disappointment.  Despite that I'm determined for my turn to come, to finally experience what I'm longing for.   

 

Edited September 26, 2021 by despairingbuttrying

[despairingbuttrying]

Also one more thing, I do regret somewhat going up to see her for my birthday weekend.  Now that day will always be remembered to a large extent and not for good reasons.  So that's sad for me to spend it with someone I will most likely never see again.  Being quite sentimental myself it's another thing I will find hard to get over. 

Edited September 26, 2021 by despairingbuttrying

[Alpacalia]

It's not always your time; not everyone is always destined to be with someone.

This isn't to say you'll never find the one you're looking for; it just means now isn't the right time.  You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, and you don't have to rush into one either. Until then, just keep improving yourself, and the appropriate person will come to you. You can do something about it if you can figure out some of the reasons why you're still single.

Then you can start connecting with more ladies and have a better chance of meeting someone who is a good fit for you.

The birthday thing?

Yes...

Birthdays are difficult when they are associated with a happier memory with someone you cared about.

 

Edited September 26, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I'm not saying this woman was the right one

Ok. You want a woman who shares your faith, so this woman was not who you wanted on other levels.

This is not about height or success, but about  your strict criteria and whatever limitations and conflicts that causes as well as unaddressed anxiety/depression.

 Once you resolve to feel better, stick with women who adhere to your faith (including no premarital sexual activity) you'll do ok.

[despairingbuttrying]

4 hours ago, Alpaca said:

It's not always your time; not everyone is always destined to be with someone.

This isn't to say you'll never find the one you're looking for; it just means now isn't the right time.  You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy, and you don't have to rush into one either. Until then, just keep improving yourself, and the appropriate person will come to you. You can do something about it if you can figure out some of the reasons why you're still single.

Then you can start connecting with more ladies and have a better chance of meeting someone who is a good fit for you.

The birthday thing?

Yes...

Birthdays are difficult when they are associated with a happier memory with someone you cared about.

 

You're right about being happy regardless of whether you're single or not, but after 6 years I guess it's affecting me and even more so now with this girl who I feel may be the one that got away.  I only messed up like this before when I was 20/21 when I was back at uni/college when I get breaking up and getting back together with a girl because I think I was afraid of commitment or whatever but that was so long ago.  Since then it's mostly been because they're not the right people or as in the case with my last two relationships, they were turned out to be quite abusive psychologically and very manipulative. 

I don't know, I'm really sad today. I keep going through in my head whether this was all me for saying that an inappropriate comment or whether no-one is really to blame as such but we just weren't a good match if she couldn't take my slight cheekiness, which crossed the line a couple of times. 

This last month I have felt happier for the first time in a long time so yes although a relationship should not dictate our happiness, it definitely does bring massive contentment and satisfaction.  That's been my experience with my previous relationships, at least at the beginning.     

 

 

Edited September 26, 2021 by despairingbuttrying

[despairingbuttrying]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. You want a woman who shares your faith, so this woman was not who you wanted on other levels.

This is not about height or success, but about  your strict criteria and whatever limitations and conflicts that causes as well as unaddressed anxiety/depression.

 Once you resolve to feel better, stick with women who adhere to your faith (including no premarital sexual activity) you'll do ok.

Yes indeed, I have seeked out only Christian women and only been with Christian women infact in the few relationships I've had.  I've been on dates with a few non-Christians but not for years.  So yes to me this is hugely important and she had faith this last lady.  

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, despairingbuttrying said:

no-one is really to blame as such but we just weren't a good match if she couldn't take my slight cheekiness, which crossed the line a couple of times. 

100% this one. It was still a relatively short period of time that you knew each other and you’ve built her up in your mind to be close to “the one”. That’s why you’re so sad. In reality you likely just weren’t that compatible. 
 

I suspect that although she may have been a “yes” for you, you were just a “maybe” for her. Your comments just happened to be what ended things, but if it wasn’t that, it likely would have been something else. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

 \ or as in the case with my last two relationships, they were turned out to be quite abusive psychologically and very manipulative. 

 

You see, she does have issues then and they'd get worse later you could bet on that.l know that doesn't make losing the good things any easier but it would become a very big thing and probably couldn't have worked out anyway.l'd also agree with weezy in that things might not have been all there for her either.

But, there's nothing wrong with preferring Christian, there must be millions of them out there. l'm not Christian myself but my mum and dad were both religious and shared the same beliefs, it'd be perfectly natural to prefer it. At any rate, that's not really the problem you just haven't met someone where you feel all the connections and attractions to. Being of the same religion is only going to help that.

Seems like a lot of long term single people here, you've wasted a lot of yrs trying on shoes that just won't fit in the first place. That's just a waste of time , and they do , they waste yrs and yrs. Only go for that someone that you feel all the right stuff with to begin with. Yeah she's hard to find , but it's worth the wait.

Edited September 26, 2021 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

You're right about being happy regardless of whether you're single or not, but after 6 years I guess it's affecting me and even more so now with this girl who I feel may be the one that got away.  I only messed up like this before when I was 20/21 when I was back at uni/college when I get breaking up and getting back together with a girl because I think I was afraid of commitment or whatever but that was so long ago.  Since then it's mostly been because they're not the right people or as in the case with my last two relationships, they were turned out to be quite abusive psychologically and very manipulative. 

I don't know, I'm really sad today. I keep going through in my head whether this was all me for saying that an inappropriate comment or whether no-one is really to blame as such but we just weren't a good match if she couldn't take my slight cheekiness, which crossed the line a couple of times. 

This last month I have felt happier for the first time in a long time so yes although a relationship should not dictate our happiness, it definitely does bring massive contentment and satisfaction.  That's been my experience with my previous relationships, at least at the beginning.     

 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

Try not to look at it as you messed up.

Rather, not compatible, bad timing, or whichever.

Believe me, we've all had our shares of making oopsies!

 

[Interstellar]

i think you got set up. she really wanted to get rid of you to begin with for reasons only known to her, ie. i think it’s because it’s long distance, so she used what you said as an excuse. so she made you do the dirty work for her.

it is what it is, but time heals all wounds, and don’t date long distance.

 

 

[spiderowl]

Thank you for the update, despairingbuttrying.  I have followed your story.

I am sorry it did not work out.

Several things strike me from what you have said:

- you do not seem to have difficulty getting dates (this is fairly unusual I think, most men complain of the not being able to get dates)

- you are not attracted to many of the women who are attracted to you.

The latter is interesting and maybe something you could think more about.  Why are you not attracted to these women?  Are you turned off by women who show they are attracted to you?  I guess I am wondering if you are tending towards wanting those who are less interested and therefore who are more likely to opt out?

Some people tend to be attracted to those who are less interested in them.  This could be due to life events and family dynamics or it could be because it is less pressure to date someone who seems a bit distant.  At least they are not likely to fall madly in love before you know how you feel!  It can be a bit disturbing to have someone showing great interest when they don't really know you all that well.

What is it that puts you off?  You mention three items on your 'list'.  Are they all absolutely necessary?

I guess it is possible you are not giving yourself chance to get to know some of the women you have met who could potentially become more interesting to you as time goes on.  A first meet can be awkward and people are not always themselves - they can seem cool or uninterested when they are actually feeling otherwise or just the opposite, coming across as false.  Sometimes it is worth a second meet to see each other in a more relaxed way.

Just a thought anyway.  I think you'll do fine in future, you have a lot to offer the right woman.

Edited September 27, 2021 by spiderowl

[despairingbuttrying]

13 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you for the update, despairingbuttrying.  I have followed your story.

I am sorry it did not work out.

Several things strike me from what you have said:

- you do not seem to have difficulty getting dates (this is fairly unusual I think, most men complain of the not being able to get dates)

- you are not attracted to many of the women who are attracted to you.

The latter is interesting and maybe something you could think more about.  Why are you not attracted to these women?  Are you turned off by women who show they are attracted to you?  I guess I am wondering if you are tending towards wanting those who are less interested and therefore who are more likely to opt out?

Some people tend to be attracted to those who are less interested in them.  This could be due to life events and family dynamics or it could be because it is less pressure to date someone who seems a bit distant.  At least they are not likely to fall madly in love before you know how you feel!  It can be a bit disturbing to have someone showing great interest when they don't really know you all that well.

What is it that puts you off?  You mention three items on your 'list'.  Are they all absolutely necessary?

I guess it is possible you are not giving yourself chance to get to know some of the women you have met who could potentially become more interesting to you as time goes on.  A first meet can be awkward and people are not always themselves - they can seem cool or uninterested when they are actually feeling otherwise or just the opposite, coming across as false.  Sometimes it is worth a second meet to see each other in a more relaxed way.

Just a thought anyway.  I think you'll do fine in future, you have a lot to offer the right woman.

Thank you for following spiderowl, you've been very supportive, like others too - @chillii @Alpaca@Weezy @introverted1@Wiseman

- Well when I said I have no difficulty, I'm certainly not say the top 2% of men who has loads of matches on online dating or seem to get dates barely trying, but for me it comes in waves it seems.  Sometimes I'll get to go on 3-4 first dates within weeks, other times I may get no interest for months.  

- Yes the second point is interesting. By the way, it's not that many women that have liked me!  They aren't lining up outside every week.  But yeah the ones that have, I would say it's mostly due to not finding them physically attractive, at least from my perspective.  I mean there are people who you find attractive and others who don't.  It's not everything but it is crucial.  As I said in my earlier post a couple of years ago, I was very close friends with this girl, had a great connection with her, had many similar interests but the physical attraction for me was not there.  It was for her.  I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did.  So I could do that again but you end up hurting each other.  

I know what you mean though, like how sometimes if someone really likes you that can turn you off in a way. It's almost like you need a challenge?  

My list and I hate using that word but it's simply three standard aspects that the vast majority would want in a partner - similar interests/enough in common, a chemistry/connection and physical attraction.  I don't care about hair colour or height or what sports they like or whether they like shopping or not and so on. 

It is a thought though and something to consider moving forwards to perhaps pursue women who might not initially seem like my "type" without compromising your own standards. 

[Weezy1973]

52 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

- similar interests/enough in common, a chemistry/connection and physical attraction.  I don't care about hair colour or height or what sports they like or whether they like shopping or not and so on. 

It is a thought though and something to consider moving forwards to perhaps pursue women who might not initially seem like my "type" without compromising your own standards. 

So yes your list is fairly typical, but the devil is in the details. Some similar interest certainly, but you don’t need that many. You want to enjoy spending time with each other so what you’re doing is less relevant. The chemistry / connection  is important but so are shared / similar core values. And those don’t reveal themselves right away. 
 

Physical attraction is often a sticking point as we tend to be attracted the most to people more attractive then ourselves. Hence the fairly ubiquitous “the people I’m attracted to aren’t interested in me, and the people that are interested in me I don’t find attractive.”  The fewer things on your list for physical attraction the better. For me for example I basically had 1 “requirement” - I wasn’t attracted to women that were overweight / had the most attraction to women that were slim.  And that was it. Hair style, straight teeth, personal style, eye color, skin color, etc. weren’t a factor. At all. 

[Foxhall]

Also sent you more detail in the private message but what stands out to me is something a girl said to me a few years back,

"I want to be romanced by you"

The lady you like she wants to be swept off her feet or for you to do something that ignites something in her,

Id be interested in other posters thoughts on this - lol- if I ever start another thread this might be it,

ways in general how does a lady feel romanced? ( I think that is what you are missing- the little subtle factors to get you over the line)

 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

The problem with this specific situation is your mindset, you need to realize she wasn't perfect for you, if she was, a stupid joke, or anything you said wouldn't have mattered in the slightest.  Concentrate on that and understand that your feelings aren't about her at all, they are about the inadequacy you feel, separate the two and use it to move forward to wash away the negativity.  Treat every person you encounter in life as a learning experience, those that evolve you into a better/stronger person.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It is very easy to not be single anymore: lower your standards. Similarly if a house was on the market for too long but wasn't selling.

Most people do this unconsciously as they get older and the urge to settle down gets stronger.