How does dating a consultant work ? Any hope ?

[CompassRose]

Maybe there is some consultant or someone who has dated or dates one here ?

He is a management and IT consultant, business analyst. after having taken time to know each other, we decided to give it a chance but at the same time he was appointed to a project and had to travel. We are not at the same location at the moment being but we keep in touch. Before leaving he wanted us to have a serious conversation, he told me that he wanted to take the time to keep it clear and transparent that he does work a lot up front this way there is no confusion... He doesn’t want me to wonder and to think that he ignores me although he appears permanently online on skype and whatsapp and other platforms. He told me that in a project and with clients he is not always being in control of his schedule meaning often postponing calls or facetime at the last minute. They also sometimes get unplugged in order to meet deadlines. He added he wanted to let me be aware of that and that if he doesn’t answer right away, it’s not that he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want me to believe that or to feel rejected or else. He wanted to prepare me about what we are going to cope in advance because he wanted the relationship to stand the demanding schedule and he wanted me to feel secure. (I do not have trust issues, he just doesn’t want me to feel hurt). 
So our life is now like :
We talk very very late at night and usually on weekends. Sometimes he read or reply to my messages with delay.  Some days it is frustrating but I then remember what he told me and make efforts to understand. I do not send many messages and always let him contact me at his pace. 
Is that how things work when dating a consultant ? I want to have an idea of how it works and understand what  it takes because I really want our relationship to work as well as he does. He’s on a 2-3 months project. 
 

[Happy Lemming]

Basically, this man owns and runs his own business.  I imagine he wants his business to succeed, so he works very hard and long hours.

I worked one job where my boss & owner of the company would travel all over the world.  Many times, I can remember sitting in on a skype call at 4:00am because it was daytime where my boss was.  His investor wanted to talk numbers, so we talked numbers even though it was the middle of the night (where I was), but my boss did compensate me quite well for my loyalty.

With your boyfriend being his own boss, the customer is king and if there is a problem he has to deal with it immediately.  And after this 2-3 month project ends, he'll have to seek out the next project... which may or may not be local.  The next project may or may not also leave him with strange hours and minimal time for you.

I don't know your boyfriend's business model.  Is this the first time he has had to travel and stay at a destination for a couple of months??  This could be a one shot gig and he'll never have to travel again or it could be part of his business model and how he services his clients.

Did you ask him how many of these (out of town) type of projects he has done in the past??

[d0nnivain]

Self employed people are at the mercy of their clients but even the busiest professional can often squeeze in a few minutes for their social lives.  Yes, he may have to cancel last minute but he should know that going in.  

[Ami1uwant]

Is he self employed or work for a company?

 

some careers are workaholic in nature.  They work long hours and work us their life.  They likely travel a lot. Either for extended travel if3-6 months are weekly.

 

it’s about what’s important to you?

[CompassRose]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Did you ask him how many of these (out of town) type of projects he has done in the past??

Yes, as far as I know he has done a lot of them when he began working. He had to travel overseas. Later he spends a lot more time on his computer. 

[CompassRose]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many times, I can remember sitting in on a skype call at 4:00am because it was daytime where my boss was.  His investor wanted to talk numbers, so we talked numbers even though it was the middle of the night (where I was), but my boss did compensate me quite well for my loyalty.

With your boyfriend being his own boss, the customer is king and if there is a problem he has to deal with it immediately. 

That’s totally it. 
And it’s like my nights and dedicated time evolve around that. I am not jealous or else, just trying to have an idea of where I’m heading and the « company culture » of his workplace. 

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, CompassRose said:

... just trying to have an idea of where I’m heading and the « company culture » of his workplace. 

Until his small company grows to the point where he has multiple employees that can be "on call" to handle his client's emergencies, he will be the (one and only) point of contact and will have to take the call and handle whatever comes up immediately.

I'm not going to speculate what type of IT he does, but if the client has on-line sales, then IT must remain up and running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, as people are always going to be on their computer, ready to purchase and that "confirm order" button better work and work correctly when the customer clicks it.  None of his clients are going to want to lose a sale because the software/web site is down.

[CompassRose]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Self employed people are at the mercy of their clients but even the busiest professional can often squeeze in a few minutes for their social lives.  Yes, he may have to cancel last minute but he should know that going in.  

Yes, the client comes first.

He makes some efforts. For example he may drop two lines while having a coffee. He usually let me know if he has to cancel last minute, telling me that he has something to fix before the coming day so he will just stay 15 minutes instead of hours or warning me that he is exhausted and might fall asleep while talking . And if there’s a deadline ahead I won’t « have » him before he fulfills the client’s needs. I can wait for the week end to get an answer. His job, especially the inconsistency of his free time, was an issue with his former girlfriends and it might be the reason I am looking for answers about how dating a consultant works.  I understand and consider myself flexible but I want to be as supportive as I can be. It is new for me even if I have a demanding job myself.
 

 

[CompassRose]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Until his small company grows to the point where he has multiple employees that can be "on call" to handle his client's emergencies, he will be the (one and only) point of contact and will have to take the call and handle whatever comes up immediately.

I'm not going to speculate what type of IT he does, but if the client has on-line sales, then IT must remain up and running 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, as people are always going to be on their computer, ready to purchase and that "confirm order" button better work and work correctly when the customer clicks it.  None of his clients are going to want to lose a sale because the software/web site is down.

Thank you, it helps me understand the reality of his job. He’s got just a company client but having interests worldwide. 

[Happy Lemming]

22 minutes ago, CompassRose said:

That’s totally it. 
And it’s like my nights and dedicated time evolve around that.

As for me and my boss (at that time), my boss had a horrible time finding an accountant/number cruncher that would be willing to skype at 4:00am.  I was recruited by a headhunter for this position because I agreed to his terms and that was figured into my compensation package.  Moreover, I set up a computer in my home, so I could skype, e-mail and talk to my boss all hours of the day and night.

It probably helped that I was single with no wife nor children to wake up or upset in regards to the unique hours I worked. 

[CompassRose]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

it’s about what’s important to you?

Making the relationship work matters the most to me. I’ll have to stay flexible.

And at the moment being, as we have just begun the dating stuff, I guess I expected more time to communicate  , should I say I’m dying to hear from him even if I said ok when him telling me about his workload.

Thank you for pointing out THE exact main question !

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, CompassRose said:

He’s got just a company client but having interests worldwide. 

That is exactly the type of situation I was in... My boss traveled worldwide, from South Africa to Europe to pretty much where ever the project/investment took him. 

At one point, we would e-mail back and forth while he was flying [via gogo air] (which was new at that time).  We got so much work done while he was flying to the next destination. 

If memory serves, the weekends were fairly open and free; but I do remember canceling some Friday night dates because "something came up" with a deal and my boss needed information or numbers or some forecast or something... so I do understand the situation.

 

[CompassRose]

25 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

That is exactly the type of situation I was in... My boss traveled worldwide, from South Africa to Europe to pretty much where ever the project/investment took him. 

At one point, we would e-mail back and forth while he was flying [via gogo air] (which was new at that time).  We got so much work done while he was flying to the next destination. 

If memory serves, the weekends were fairly open and free; but I do remember canceling some Friday night dates because "something came up" with a deal and my boss needed information or numbers or some forecast or something... so I do understand the situation.

 

Thank you ! It helps me a lot to understand how things work.

It sounds so familiar to me : him canceling dates or him taking his laptop after a beep on skype, telling me sorry and the dinner became a data analysis time. It sure helps me understanding when he tells he’s exhausted and do not has energy to chat a long time.
At first, it also took me some time to understand that he could get a problem to solve in the middle of the night or very early in the morning. 
The hardest part is now when he drops a few lines asking something, I answer and ask and he disappears only to reappear hours or a day or 2 after. I understood that the pressure is also there because sometimes the company needs an immediate answer or a « the sooner, the better » one. It takes an amount of understanding and flexibility for sure and it’s not what I was used to in my dating life.
 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by CompassRose

[Wiseman2]

He seems undatable. Is he married?

Everyone has time for what they're interested in.

He's treating you like a disposable afterthought.

Why bother with this or "try to make it work"?

There are plenty of men out there who won't give you all these excuses and don't claim to be perennially "too busy" for you.

Don't be a drive by GF. End it and find someone ready willing and able to date you.

[CompassRose]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he married?

Clearly and surely not

[CompassRose]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's treating you like a disposable afterthought.

Why bother with this or "try to make it work"?

Don't be a drive by GF. End it and find someone ready willing and able to date you.

Thank you, the reason is I love him, I cannot help it.

Would he had another job I wouldn’t have bothered to understand what a consultant’s workload and its consequences on his relationship usually are and to ask if those schedules and dating pattern are somehow kind of normal when dating a consultant.

I want to give him that chance before even considering whether to end it or not. Love again is unfortunately the reason here. I added « unfortunately » because those schedules are a roller coaster.

Edited September 25, 2021 by CompassRose

[elaine567]

It is not only the nature of the work he does, it is also a lot about him and how he responds to his work schedule.
Is he just a very ambitious conscientious guy trying to do his best to build a business or is he at heart a workaholic who no matter how successful he becomes nor how many staff he employs will be working as hard as ever, travelling the world and never at home.

I don't know how old you are but if you want kids then you will likely have to accept if you marry this guy you will be like a single Mom bringing up the kids and taking all the responsibility, as Daddy will always be away working...
Living with a workaholic, can be a bonus to some women, others will hate it and will always be railing against it as it can be a very lonely life...

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, CompassRose said:

So our life is now like :

We talk very very late at night and usually on weekends. Sometimes he read or reply to my messages with delay.  

How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person?

[ExpatInItaly]

Have his previous relationships failed because of this? 

I ask because the talk you had with him before he left sounds very much like a preemptive warning based on past relationship issues related to his work commitments. I would bet that other women have complained about his unavailability, and he’s letting you know ahead of time how he is. 

All you can do is see how you feel in the coming weeks. If it’s not enough for you, that’s okay. You can have reasonable desires and expectations, but understand that he might not be the right guy to fulfill them. 

[Blind-Sided]

If you don't like that he is a hard worker, and doesn't have time to spend with you... then just move on.  Nothing we can say will actually change the way you feel about it. 

As an FYI... I'm a consultant.  I haven't been travelling much because of COVID... but when my GF and I got together... I was. We talked in the evening... and I would txt when I had a few moment during the day.  At first, she would get upset that I wouldn't txt right away... but I told her I may not be able to txt/talk if I'm in meeting, working, or simply deep in a building with no cel service. 

I understand that you may want to spend more time with him... but he wants things to be successful... he will put time into his company. 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like he's doing the best he can but he is making it clear that business is his priority.  Be grateful for the candor but understand he's not going to put you 1st, maybe not ever.  As @elaine567 pointed out, some women can handle it.  Others not so much.  

I remember being at a lavish 30th birthday party in NYC one Friday night when 3 dozen long stemmed red roses arrived in a Waterford crystal vase.  They were stunning.  They were apology flowers for the birthday girl from her BF.  He was ditching her at her own birthday party because he was a high & powerful criminal defense lawyer who's client had just been arrested in another state & he had to fly out to deal with that immediately.  Many women guests were highly offended.  My cousin put it in perspective for me.  This guy was never gonna be father of the year who makes every little league event but he would probably send the kid to the game in a limo, pay for pizza for the team & maybe send a videographer to the game so he could see some of it (this was before everybody had a camera in the phone).  

In the end it's a trade off.  If you want more of him -- his presence & you coming 1st -- he's not your guy.  

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you don't want to "understand" the nature of his work. You just want to "understand" if you're comfortable with his absences or not.

If not, move on.

Look busy people can still reassure their partners. In our text-drenched world, you can take 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there--heck 30 seconds here an 30 seconds there--to connect with a partner. 

You do not want to go into a relationship working hard  to reassure yourself of his interest. That doesn't work. That means it's an unsatisfying and unstainable relationship for you. 

The biggest problem for you is that it is impossible for you to figure out what is disinterest vs what is busyness. It's always a mistake--always--to assume busyness is what the problem is. Lots of people make themselves busy to limit emotional connection with others. 

 

[Pumpernickel]

Doesn’t matter if you understand his job. If he’s a consultant, he’ll be on an assignment for a while, complete it & start with his next assignment. That’s how it is usually done. I’ve dated one and he traveled quite a bit. But it didn’t bother me. Because I love my job as well so I wasn’t jealous or worried and I totally understood where he was coming from when a client would completely absorb all his time & attention. The time we spent together was limited (not always though; because for some projects he was able to work from my place a lot as well), but the time we actually did spend together was high-quality. I was completely OK with that. If you need a 24 seven predictable guy, you can date a mailman. He’ll be home every night at five. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes consultants get job offers from clients when they want them to work for them full time as W-2 employees. Maybe this happens to your guy one day. And this might make his work schedule more predictable - if he agrees

Edited September 25, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Mrin]

Hi there! I've been a consultant for most of my professional career. I was married for a good portion of it but also dated after my marriage ended. What you're going through is totally normal. And it's good that he is so upfront about it. I wasn't and it caused problems until I got out in front of it.

Okay basically you have to understand that a consultant is basically an intellectual prostitute. Lol. Or intellectual mercenary if that makes you feel more comfortable. He trades time for money. Consultants cost and are typically paid much more than what a standard "ham and egger" (aka 9 to 5) employee would cost. The reason you hire consultants is because you can treat them like intellectual prostitutes. You can tell them on a Friday afternoon that something needs to be done by Monday morning and they will get it done. They won't give you some nonsense about being after work hours or having to take their kids to the zoo. They just get it done. You can tell them that they need to get 3 weeks of work done in 10 days and they'll work 14 hour days and work the weekends to make it happen. If you call them at 8:00 p.m. at night they typically will pick up as chipper and ready to serve as they would at 9am. This does mean putting the client first. Ahead of a lot of other things in the consultant's life. That is just how it is. 

Why consult? A lot of reasons. The money is typically really good. You get to see a lot of new challenges. You don't have to deal with all the typical workplace politics. Great experience. And it can be a rush when you knock something out of the park. It also removes the drudgery of work. Here let me give an example. I was breaking in a new consultant and she was complaining that she needed to go to the client's and spend 8 hours photo copying documents. She gave me the whole rigmarole of having a college education and being above making photocopies. I asked her what the client was paying her per hour to make photocopies. She told me her hourly rate. And then I asked what the client was paying her per hour to write a very advanced strategy doc. She said the same hourly rate. I told her that if the client wanted her to make photocopies for that hourly rate and she should make the best damn photocopies they've ever seen. The client owns her time not her and if they want to use her to hold the door open in the office cafeteria then she should do it with a smile. I also had her compute her hourly rate to the second - to know exactly what each second of her time was worth. And then imagine that many pennies falling into a tub as she made photocopies or did whatever menial crap they wanted her to do. And remind her that even a second of her time had value and she must always be asking if she's delivering value (versus gossiping around the coffee machine etc like a 9 to 5 employee would).

Note: I kept a suitcase packed in my truck with 3 days of clothes and a toiletry bag. My clients used to marvel that they could call me at 10 p.m. at night and I would be on the opposite side of the country by noon the next day. I also charged them a small fortune for that service.

So how in the heck do you date someone like this? Well, my ex-wife compared it to being married to someone in special forces in the military. You never know when or how long somebody is going to be deployed.

Here's the thing - his job does not allow for normal communication and dating like you would with a 9 to 5er. You will just never get that dating a consultant like this. But what you can get is his commitment for quality time in between projects or big pushes. Insist that he carve out those blocks of time. And hold him accountable. Have him protect those blocks of time fiercely. Tell him you're the client during those blocks of time. Ha.

Consultants often need a reason to say "no". I'll give you another story - prior to my divorce I traveled 75 to 85 percent of the time. Sometimes I would be gone for an entire month not even coming back on weekends. As soon as I got divorced I had 50/50 custody (week on week off). I was terrified to tell my clients that I couldn't travel every other week. But I had to. You know what? They had zero problem with it. I could have been doing that prior to my divorce but my custody schedule forced me to say no. 

Look it's not easy dating a consultant. But it can be workable as long as you adjust your expectations and keep the lines of communication clear.

Best of luck!

Mrin

[CompassRose]

On 9/25/2021 at 1:07 PM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other in person?

We’ve been dating for circa 3 months. We manage to see each other every 2 weeks.