He pushed for early sex and I said no

[Emilyinroses]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, that is troubling.  To encourage this line of thinking.  I am not saying he wasn't teasing, he may have been.

The fact is we don't know, there is no "he doesn't seem like the type," they had ONE date.

But I've said my piece, nuff said from me.

Emily, again happy you are moving on, there is a lesson somewhere to be learned from this.

We had 3 dates in fact, and he only started being pushy on the third date.

I agree that he said ‘abusive’ as in teasing, but he is a moron for saying that, because a clever guy won’t want to scare away the woman he is trying to have sex with!

Thank you!

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

He jokingly said: ‘oh so this between us can only become serious after your birthday so I don’t have to buy you a gift…’ so does that mean he is looking for a relationship? I have no idea.

 

Eww. Block this donkey

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

We had 3 dates in fact, and he only started being pushy on the third date.

I agree that he said ‘abusive’ as in teasing, but he is a moron for saying that, because a clever guy won’t want to scare away the woman he is trying to have sex with!

Oh, my apologies, you had three dates, not one date. 

You still do not know him, you have no idea who he is and won't until months/years down the road assuming you begin dating.  I don't believe anyone truly knows their partner or knows what they are fully capable of.  

As far as abusive meaning teasing (which I am not convinced is the case here), many abusers make such comments as a test also, to determine the other person's response, whether they will take it seriously or brush it off as teasing.

Brushing it off as "teasing" gives them the green light to continue making disparaging comments, eventually escalating to full on mental, emotional and physical abuse in some cases.

There is tons of research about this if you don't believe me.

But it doesn't matter, because you are moving on anyway!!

 

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Els]

Wow, ummm. When I read the initial post, I didn't think my opinion of that guy could get any lower.

Well... I was wrong. /facepalm

Glad that you're kicking him to the curb.

[Emilyinroses]

19 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Wow, ummm. When I read the initial post, I didn't think my opinion of that guy could get any lower.

Well... I was wrong. /facepalm

Glad that you're kicking him to the curb.

He is in fact one of the worst guys I have met. I guess that is why I am so shocked, his looks and personality do not match.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Els]

Just now, Emilyinroses said:

He is in fact one of the worst guys I have met. I guess that is why I am so shocked, is looks and personality do not match.

Why do you think that looks and personality would be related?

[Emilyinroses]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Oh, my apologies, you had three dates, not one date. 

You still do not know him, you have no idea who he is and won't until months/years down the road assuming you begin dating.  I don't believe anyone truly knows their partner or knows what they are fully capable of.  

As far as abusive meaning teasing (which I am not convinced is the case here), many abusers make such comments as a test also, to determine the other person's response, whether they will take it seriously or brush it off as teasing.

Brushing it off as "teasing" gives them the green light to continue making disparaging comments, eventually escalating to full on mental, emotional and physical abuse in some cases.

There is tons of research about this if you don't believe me.

But it doesn't matter, because you are moving on anyway!!

 

 

Well it’s irrelevant, one date or three dates. I’m glad actually it was only 3 dates.

Yes I agree that some truly abusive people do that, to test you. 

I am not interested in knowing anything more about him. 

[Emilyinroses]

Just now, Elswyth said:

Why do you think that looks and personality would be related?

He looks like a caring and tender person, that’s why.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He looks like a caring and tender person, that’s why.

So did Ted Bundy, he actually volunteered at a suicide hotline crisis center.

Meanwhile he was one of the worst serial killers on record to date.

[stillafool]

Just now, poppyfields said:

So did Ted Bundy, he actually volunteered at a suicide hotline crisis center.

Meanwhile he was one of the worst serial killers on record to date.

You took the words right out of my mouth.  Except the truth is because he's good looking.

Edited September 24, 2021 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, that is troubling.  To encourage this line of thinking.  I am not saying he wasn't teasing, he may have been.

I do not disagree other than to say I wasn't encouraging this line of thinking.  In fact I disapprove but what I was doing was telling @Emilyinrosesthat her assessment seemed accurate.  

Unless you really know the other person "jokes" about abuse are not welcome. 

Disclaimer: my husband & I joke about it among ourselves all the time.  We sometimes literally poke each other -- as in slightly press 1 finger against the other's flesh -- & the other will "whine" that they are being physically abused.   While others may disagree with us, it's our mutual sick sense of humor & it works for us in that context.  

[Emilyinroses]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I do not disagree other than to say I wasn't encouraging this line of thinking.  In fact I disapprove but what I was doing was telling @Emilyinrosesthat her assessment seemed accurate.  

Unless you really know the other person "jokes" about abuse are not welcome. 

Disclaimer: my husband & I joke about it among ourselves all the time.  We sometimes literally poke each other -- as in slightly press 1 finger against the other's flesh -- & the other will "whine" that they are being physically abused.   While others may disagree with us, it's our mutual sick sense of humor & it works for us in that context.  

I don’t know him, but my intuition told me he said that as teasing, nothing else.

Even so, he is really dumb to say that and scare the woman he wants to have sex with.

Other guys would say things like ‘you are so beautiful’ or ‘I like you so much’, this guy says he is abusive.

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I don’t know him, but my intuition told me he said that as teasing, nothing else.

Even so, he is really dumb to say that and scare the woman he wants to have sex with.

Why did it scare you if you were convinced he was only teasing?  Hell, toss him a tease back?  lol  That's what I do when I KNOW a man is teasing, joking, being snarky.

He isn't even "really dumb" if you knew it was only a tease, right?

I don't think you viewed it as a tease at all, if you had your response would have been different.

I think you took him seriously and took offense, as well you should have. 

Guy is an abuser, he told you (warned you) people don't "tease" about stuff like that.  Especially someone you just met and had only a few dates with.

Unless it's within the context of a trusting committed relationship or marriage like d0nnivain and her husband.

Here, you've had 3 dates.

JMO.

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I don’t know him, but my intuition told me he said that as teasing, nothing else.

Even so, he is really dumb to say that and scare the woman he wants to have sex with.

Initially you said "the truth is I really liked him and wouldn't want things to end here just because of sex!"

If you're concerned about your safety, it's preferable not to go out again.

Why put oneself in such a risky situation?

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Why did it scare you if you were convinced he was only teasing?  Hell, toss him a tease back?  lol  That's what I do when I KNOW a man is teasing, joking, being snarky.

He isn't even "really dumb" if you knew it was only a tease, right?

I don't think you viewed it as a tease at all, if you had your response would have been different.

I think you took him seriously and took offense, as well you should have.

JMO.

 

What scared me was him pushing so hard to have sex. I had guys before trying to have sex, but never pushing like this. That’s what scared me.

I didn’t tease back because I was being serious about my boundaries, which to me are no joke.

What I took offense was him saying he’ll pick me up in his car to take me somewhere to have sex. I’m not a prostitute.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Initially you said "the truth is I really liked him and wouldn't want things to end here just because of sex!"

If you're concerned about your safety, it's preferable not to go out again.

Why put oneself in such a risky situation?

I am not going to see him again, my eyes are open now.

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

What scared me was him pushing so hard to have sex. I had guys before trying to have sex, but never pushing like this. That’s what scared me.

But yet, you are convinced his remark about abusing you and being abusive was a tease?

Doesn't make much sense, but whatever, you're moving on, which is the most important thing.

 

[Emilyinroses]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But yet, you are convinced his remark about abusing you and being abusive was a tease?

Doesn't make much sense, but whatever, you're moving on, which is the most important thing.

 

I think he said it as a teaser, but the truth is I don’t know him.

And regardless of what he meant, using the word ‘abusive’ to get sex is just plain wrong.

Any man can be seductive, use healthy banter, treat a woman right, just to have sex, but the way this guy acted just shows there is something weird with him and I am not gonna find out what it is.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

He looks like a caring and tender person, that’s why.

Sincere question, but what does this mean, exactly?

In physical terms...a  nice smile, or?

[Trail Blazer]

It's pretty cut and dried; even if you cannot ascertain all the facts, you still know enough to determine that you're incompatible with the most basic criteria which is mismatched levels of initial intimacy.

What is not clear is whether, had you had sex with him or not, he'd have bailed.  It could have been a situation where, had you two had sex, he might have bonded if you guys were very compatible in other ways.

In any case, it's immaterial with regards to what he would have done if x, y, or z had have taken a different course of action.  All that matters are the facts at hand, and the fact that he wanted sex earlier than you means you've reached an impasse.

There's nothing more to digest here.  Move on to the next guy, as I'm sure he's done the exact same thing with the next girl waiting in line.

[Emilyinroses]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sincere question, but what does this mean, exactly?

In physical terms...a  nice smile, or?

What it means is that his energy was not aggressive or anxious or anything . He was calm and had a nice vibe. That is why everything he said afterwards doesn’t match that.

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's pretty cut and dried; even if you cannot ascertain all the facts, you still know enough to determine that you're incompatible with the most basic criteria which is mismatched levels of initial intimacy.

What is not clear is whether, had you had sex with him or not, he'd have bailed.  It could have been a situation where, had you two had sex, he might have bonded if you guys were very compatible in other ways.

In any case, it's immaterial with regards to what he would have done if x, y, or z had have taken a different course of action.  All that matters are the facts at hand, and the fact that he wanted sex earlier than you means you've reached an impasse.

There's nothing more to digest here.  Move on to the next guy, as I'm sure he's done the exact same thing with the next girl waiting in line.

There is no way to know what would happen after sex, but that wasn’t the reason I didn’t have sex with him.

I didn’t have sex with him because he was very pushy and said inappropriate things to me.

If things have been different probably I would have had sex with him because I was attracted to him and there was a nice connection between us.

I don’t even understand why he needed to push like that! He knew I was attracted to him, just invite me to dinner, we can have a nice evening and then let things unfold naturally, no need for what he said and did. I don’t get it really.

So the aggressive way he pushed for it and the things he said was what put me off.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

What it means is that his energy was not aggressive or anxious or anything . He was calm and had a nice vibe. That is why everything he said afterwards doesn’t match that.

Apologies for beating a dead horse, but Emily, come on.  You say his energy wasn't aggressive?  

What do you call this?

>>What scared me was him pushing so hard to have sex. I had guys before trying to have sex, but never pushing like this. That’s what scared me.

That's the very definition of aggressive!  

What am I missing?

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am not going to see him again, my eyes are open now.

Happy to hear.

So, in this case, not doing the nug-a-nug was for the best!

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

Happy to hear.

So, in this case, not doing the nug-a-nug was for the best!

Yes, I wasn’t comfortable with him so preferred not to do anything.