He pushed for early sex and I said no

[Emilyinroses]

Hi guys! Need your advice on what to do about this guy.

We met on a dating app, he invited me for drinks and we had a nice first date. After that date, he invited me and we met again. At the end of that date we shared a kiss when saying goodbye.

Then he started texting me saying he loved it and wanted more, that he is so attracted to me and let's meet to take things further (as in having sex). I told him I liked the kiss too but is too soon for the rest. 

We met again yesterday, he picked me up in his car and when he brought me back home we kissed in his car and things were heating up and I told him to stop because, again, is too soon for more. He said he was just trying...

I don't think he was taking me seriously at that point, maybe thinking I am doing some kind of foreplay game. Then he messaged me saying we could have gone somewhere to be intimate, and if I am scared of him. I told him I am not scared, I just like to get to know each other more and take things slow. His response was only "ok" and I haven't heard from him since.

Don't take me wrong, I am VERY attracted to him and wanted to be intimate too, but I really liked him on our dates and felt some kind of connection with him beyond physical, and in the past I commited the mistake of having sex too soon and the guy would lose interest and I would feel like shyt.

He is a very handsome man and one can tell he gets lots of female attention and is probably used to women who were happy to have sex with him early. He probaly thought I was the same.

I mean, I know men will try it, but he was being really pushy and yes that scared me a bit and I want to develop a connection with someone before being intimate.

So I haven't heard from him again, although he is checking my Instagram stories all the time as soon as I post them. I am not going to chase him or text him if we are not on the same page, but the truth is I really liked him and wouldn't want things to end here just because of sex!

Any advice?

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
replaced judgmental wording

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

but the truth is I really liked him and wouldn't want things to end here just because of sex!

I hear you but you'd feel worse if you haven't heard from him after you had sex.  Be glad it's the opposite.  If a guy is into you not having sex early would not turn him off.

[Alpacalia]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to wait if his wants and needs align with yours.

He wishes to move things along physically, whereas right now you prefer not.

Your objectives are simply not in sync with his at the moment.

If he likes you, he'll interact with you further rather than go dark.

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

So I haven't heard from him again, although he is checking my Instagram stories all the time as soon as I post them. I am not going to chase him or text him if we are not on the same page, but the truth is I really liked him and wouldn't want things to end here just because of sex!

 

[elaine567]

The problem here is not really the sex it is the pushiness, the unwillingness to take you seriously and the fact  he scared you.
You essentially can't trust him to stop if he went too far past your comfort zone.
You did the right thing by sticking to your boundaries.
He may look good but there is a darker core here.
 

[chillii]

Yep def' how longs it been since you've heard from him anyway ?

But as the others have said , lf he wants and see's more than just a good time then he def' won't be disappearing just bc you wanna take your time.  So if he has departed already just bc of that and after meeting you only those few times , would you even wanna be with him anyway .

ps and yeah ,not to mention the pushiness and the way he made you feel.

Edited September 24, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

He's  not taking you seriously. You did the right thing. He'll be back but just to push you again. Block him. 

[glows]

If it makes you uncomfortable, discontinue or decline. His behaviour is a dime a dozen also, by the way. Nothing special, unfortunately, nor flattering about it. I agree with the previous comments about his disrespect and not taking you seriously. 

 

[smackie9]

Block/delete. You KNOW he's using his looks to get laid fast. If he's that attractive and a real catch he wouldn't be so single and using dating apps. He's predatory/a player.

[Gaeta]

Read my thread: Can we push reset.

[Ami1uwant]

[ ] 

 

you had a few dates and appear to hit unofficial.  Don’t be negative if he brings up wanting sex or might attempt to initiate during making out.

Edited September 24, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

I mean, I know men will try it, but he was being really pushy and yes that scared me a bit and I want to develop a connection with someone before being intimate.

* * *

Any advice?

My advice -- leave him be.  Sort of asking for sex, hinting, flirting, nudging . . . is all fine IMO & par for the course.  You are dating in part to find out if you are compatible.  But when it crosses from a suggestion to you feeling pushed or pressured, that is problematic.   The idea that he even said "if you are scared of me" means he knows his behavior was too much.  

Bye bye.   Next. . . . 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

he was being really pushy and yes that scared me a bit

Do not get in someone's car or have in-house dates this early on. You lose control that way. You also don't want complete strangers knowing where you live this soon.

As far as this creep? Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps asap.

It's best to not put yourself in "heated up" situations but nonetheless, if someone gets pushy, run.

This has nothing to do with "he's handsome and other women easily spread their legs".

This has to do with dating safely and using common sense with horndogs.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Interstellar]

Yes, he’s not interested in a relationship. Out.

[Allupinnit]

A hot guy from a dating app pushing you for sex.  Sorry but he's doing this with lots of women and someone finally gave in.

[Emilyinroses]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I hear you but you'd feel worse if you haven't heard from him after you had sex.  Be glad it's the opposite.  If a guy is into you not having sex early would not turn him off.

I agree, and I know that, and that is one of the reasons I decided not to go ahead with having sex with him.

I just don’t know if he is not into me (for anything else), why he keeps checking my Instagram stories every day!?

[Emilyinroses]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is not really the sex it is the pushiness, the unwillingness to take you seriously and the fact  he scared you.
You essentially can't trust him to stop if he went too far past your comfort zone.
You did the right thing by sticking to your boundaries.
He may look good but there is a darker core here.
 

Yes absolutely. I was very attracted to him and if he didn’t push for sex and let things unfold naturally I would probably would have sex with him.

But it was the pushiness, the pressure, insisting, and not listening to what I was saying that set up all the alarm bells for me.

So it’s not really about the sex, but about his character. 

He said things like he wants to abuse me, and he is abusive, etc. I’m sorry but ‘sex’ and ‘abusive’ are words that in my world I don’t mix in the same sentence…

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[DividedTrail]

You feel he was being pushy and fair enough. It also sounds like he was being pretty open and honest about what he wants and if your aren’t ready, also fair enough. 

He may be a creep, a jerk or even a potential serial killer. Could be he wants sex early and be with your exclusively or just wants sex and will vanish. 

It wasn’t clear but you asked him to stop and then the next paragraph you felt he wasn’t taking you seriously. So did he stop physically right away and just kept up with the comments? Or you had to basically push him off?

The biggest issue I see is you explained how you felt and you like to take things slow, etc. his response was just OK.. I mean if he was interested in a potential relationship, I would think he would have wrote more than that to assure you. But if he just wants sex and you don’t, you guys are just in different places so no harm no foul. 

The problem now is, you will be guarded in showing any affection because you don’t want to give mixed signals or encourage more of the behavior he has already demonstrated. 

It’s like if a kid says they want to go to the toy store and you say not today, maybe later this week. And then they bug you every day, multiple time a day about when. They you get annoyed and just take them but it doesn’t feel a fun as it could have been if they were patient and waited for you to be ready. 

ETA: I just saw he said he wants to abuse you. Holy cow. I mean if you guys were already intimate and talking about some fantasies, maybe. But that seems like too much. And I’m a guy…

Edited September 24, 2021 by DividedTrail

[Emilyinroses]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Read my thread: Can we push reset.

I read your thread, what happened with the guy then?

You know, a couple of weeks ago I started reading ‘The Rules’ books by Ellen Fein and joined a Facebook group about it where there is a great community of women supporting each other.

I can tell you that has been a game changer! I could see how I was doing so many things wrong in dating and getting frustrated and bitter about it. 

Now I am in my feminine energy, let the men be men, and my priority is being busy with my life and only give attention to guys who are nice, ask you out properly, etc.

This guy I asked about was a real test to me and I was able to stick to my boundaries like I never did in the past, due to following ‘the rules’ in the books.

The main purpose of the rules is to weed out the wrong men and find the right one.

After reading your thread, I would like to tell you to read the books and the rules too.

I was resistant at first (as I hate rules), but decided to give it a go because my dating history wasn’t exactly great (as you could see from my past threads in here), and now I feel more peaceful and lighter about dating.

The bitterness and frustration are gone.

I feel I am dating with a good energy now.

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

19 minutes ago, DividedTrail said:

You feel he was being pushy and fair enough. It also sounds like he was being pretty open and honest about what he wants and if your aren’t ready, also fair enough. 

He may be a creep, a jerk or even a potential serial killer. Could be he wants sex early and be with your exclusively or just wants sex and will vanish. 

It wasn’t clear but you asked him to stop and then the next paragraph you felt he wasn’t taking you seriously. So did he stop physically right away and just kept up with the comments? Or you had to basically push him off?

The biggest issue I see is you explained how you felt and you like to take things slow, etc. his response was just OK.. I mean if he was interested in a potential relationship, I would think he would have wrote more than that to assure you. But if he just wants sex and you don’t, you guys are just in different places so no harm no foul. 

The problem now is, you will be guarded in showing any affection because you don’t want to give mixed signals or encourage more of the behavior he has already demonstrated. 

It’s like if a kid says they want to go to the toy store and you say not today, maybe later this week. And then they bug you every day, multiple time a day about when. They you get annoyed and just take them but it doesn’t feel a fun as it could have been if they were patient and waited for you to be ready. 

He wasn’t open at all about what he is looking for. At this point I don’t even know.

The only thing he mentioned was on our date he said his birthday is in November and mine is too but before him, and he jokingly said: ‘oh so this between us can only become serious after your birthday so I don’t have to buy you a gift…’ so does that mean he is looking for a relationship? I have no idea.

Yes he did stop physically when I told him to.

I agree with you, if he wanted more with me he would have said something like ‘ok let’s take things slow and get to know each other, when are you next available to meet’?  But his ‘ok’ and silence today all day says he’s not that into me, although he’s been checking my Instagram stories all day long.

If we had an open conversation about what we want, etc, and decide the pace to go, I wouldn’t be guarded going forward. But I don’t see that happening with him.

It’s a shame because I liked him and we connected well on our dates. 

Edited September 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

35 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I agree, and I know that, and that is one of the reasons I decided not to go ahead with having sex with him.

I just don’t know if he is not into me (for anything else), why he keeps checking my Instagram stories every day!?

But you could wait until the 20th date (or however long) and you still wouldn't know if you'd hear from him afterwards.

Waiting and having 20 dates doesn't guarantee the guy won't ghost afterwards.  It's a risk no matter how long you wait.

Sex changes the dynamic and keep in mind, there are men who truly believe they're "into" a woman and then once he has sex with her, suddenly he's  not.

It doesn't mean he "used" her for sex, that is such a sophomoric way of thinking. 

What it means is until sex, much of what drives him are hormones and conquest.  Once he achieves those things, he starts viewing you in a more realistic light and may decide you're not the right fit or whatever.

There are many male posters here who have attested to that.

Obviously the man is extremely attracted to you!!  I can't say if the fact you don't want to have sex with him turned him off (which is how he interprets your words "not ready'" or "it's too soon") OR your attitude about it, the way you presented it to him, your style when communicating you weren't ready. 

Or if he believes you were playing some sort of a game or something.  A shyt test of sorts to see if he sticks around, which many women DO play, sad to say.  You don't know what HIS experiences have been related to that.

There are so many factors to consider other than the standard -- he only wanted sex and since you're not ready, next.

All that said, I DO think he came off rather brash and pushy.  I probably wouldn't hold it against him though if I liked him, felt a connection (other than physical attraction).  Men CAN be pushy, but it's always important for a woman to be gracious and explain why it is she wants to wait a bit longer, so he does not think it's because you aren't attracted enough to him to want to have sex yet.

I think he is still attracted and interested in you which is why he still views your IG stories.

  

 

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He said things like he wants to abuse me, and he is abusive, etc. 

Wait, what?  I am trying to imagine a context whereby saying something like that to a woman he barely knows would be acceptable and I cannot think of any!!

What is it again you find appealing about him???

Holy smokes, Emily, this is a no brainer, seriously.

Not even sure why you felt you needed to create this thread, simply GET RID.

NEXT.  Good gawd.

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[DividedTrail]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

He wasn’t open at all about what he is looking for. At this point I don’t even know. 

My use of open and honest was probably not the right phrase. I just meant by his actions and words he was pretty clear he wanted sex and he will probably keep pushing.  As in he wasn’t trying to hide it. But it also sounds like he isn’t interested in having a heart to heart about expectations you both have. 

Someone mentioned it sounds like you two are just on different wavelengths. Could be a simple as that.

The fact you said you felt scared by him AND he comes out and says he wants to abuse you and be abusive. I mean, it just doesn’t seem like this is going to be a good thing for you. 

[poppyfields]

Emily, after him announcing he wants to abuse you and is abusive (even in a "joking" context - giving him A LOT of leeway there), no disrespect to you, but the fact you are even considering seeing him again (as evidenced by the creation of this thread) suggests that your thought processes aren't functioning as well as they should be, and that you probably shouldn't be dating right now.

You claim you were scared of him, well I am scared for you that you are spending one nanosecond thinking about this jerk, let alone wondering why he views your stories or considering seeing him again.

THAT's what scary.

GET RID.  I am not one to block, but in this case definitely block.

 

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

think he is still attracted and interested in you which is why he still views your IG stories.

He likely thinks he has found a victim and is just waiting to see if she will cave and get in touch with him...

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He likely thinks he has found a victim and is just waiting to see if she will cave and get in touch with him...

I wrote that BEFORE I read he wanted to abuse her and was abusive, etc.

I wonder what the "etc." is,  what else he said, I shudder to think!

Still waiting for Emily to tell us what she found/finds appealing about all this.

Physical attraction doesn't cut it, not after those comments.

 

 

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by poppyfields