She flaked on me, should I let it go?

[basil67]

Yep, she may be a flake.  But equally, something may be wrong.  

If I'd been regularly talking and dating for three months and I thought things were going well - and there had been no recent argument - I would never walk away without first gently asking "I missed you on the weekend, are you OK?"   

When it comes to the choice of asking asking after the welfare of someone who turns out to be a flake vs callously blocking someone who may be struggling with something, I would always choose the former.    

[Corduroy]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yep, she may be a flake.  But equally, something may be wrong.  

If I'd been regularly talking and dating for three months and I thought things were going well - and there had been no recent argument - I would never walk away without first gently asking "I missed you on the weekend, are you OK?"   

When it comes to the choice of asking asking after the welfare of someone who turns out to be a flake vs callously blocking someone who may be struggling with something, I would always choose the former.    

You’re right, maybe she’s having a problem with something. We’ve been fine, and no real arguments, but going quiet like this is odd. Maybe it’s not about me, and I should just ask her if she’s ok…

[Amanda92]

Who did usually start conversation?

[Corduroy]

9 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Who did usually start conversation?

Her mostly

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Corduroy said:

Her mostly

Huh.  Perhaps she's wanting you to step up.   

What was behind you not starting much of the conversations?

[Corduroy]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Huh.  Perhaps she's wanting you to step up.   

What was behind you not starting much of the conversations?

She said she would get back to me about going out for the weekend, she never let me know.

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Corduroy said:

She said she would get back to me about going out for the weekend, she never let me know.

Yes.  And you also said that she initiated the majority of the conversations in the past.   There comes a point where most women (and men) see lack of initiative in the one they are dating as lack of interest and it could well be that she's stepped back to see if you're actually interested.

If this is the problem, she would have been better to communicate her frustration with your lack of reaching out - but none of us are perfect.  Question is, how much do you like her?   Are you prepared to take initiative?

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by basil67

[DividedTrail]

Following this topic with interest especially since she is a therapist. I mean barring an illness or injury where she cannot communicate easily, I would think as a therapist, she knows how she is coming across. Or maybe she wants you to chase a little which can be OK if there is a balance  

My question is when you say talk and when you last asked her out, do you mean talk as in a phone call or text? If text, I would dial the phone and see what happens. Once you are calm and can communicate in earnest and not from a bad place as has been mentioned to you. 

[Corduroy]

5 minutes ago, DividedTrail said:

Following this topic with interest especially since she is a therapist. I mean barring an illness or injury where she cannot communicate easily, I would think as a therapist, she knows how she is coming across. Or maybe she wants you to chase a little which can be OK if there is a balance  

My question is when you say talk and when you last asked her out, do you mean talk as in a phone call or text? If text, I would dial the phone and see what happens. Once you are calm and can communicate in earnest and not from a bad place as has been mentioned to you. 

We text mostly, since its easier to do while at work.  We never talk on the phone, just face to face. It would be kinda weird to just call her out of the blue. I might just send a text saying "hey, didn't hear back from you, everything ok?"

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, Corduroy said:

Me and this girl have been casually dating for a few months. Things have been going good but when I asked her out, she said she’ll get back to me the next day. 

You could simply say "Hey (her name) haven't heard back re the weekend, everything alright"?

I hope to gawd you didn't message her saying "so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…”

It's not up to you whether or not you would be "wasting her time," it's up to her.

You would have been better off saying "because I would hate to be wasting my time."

Don't say that, but that's the attitude, your time is valuable!

The former (what you planned to say) comes across extremely insecure and needy.

 

 

 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

You could simply say "Hey (her name) haven't heard back re the weekend, everything alright"?

THIS!!!   If you'd sent this message late last week, you wouldn't be in this situation now.

I feel like your fear of being seen as "needy" is so overblown that you're shooting yourself in the foot.

[Corduroy]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You could simply say "Hey (her name) haven't heard back re the weekend, everything alright"?

I hope to gawd you didn't message her saying "so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…”

It's not up to you whether or not you would be "wasting her time," it's up to her.

You would have been better off saying "because I would hate to be wasting my time."

Don't say that, but that's the attitude, your time is valuable!

The former (what you planned to say) comes across extremely insecure and needy.

 

 

 

Lol  I didn't send that. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. I'll ask her the proper way then

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, Corduroy said:

Yes, we’ve be going out on dates

By now you should have established you guys were a couple.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Corduroy said:

You’re right, maybe she’s having a problem with something. We’ve been fine, and no real arguments, but going quiet like this is odd. Maybe it’s not about me, and I should just ask her if she’s ok…

She might have periodic mental health issues that come up and she hasn’t shared it with you.

[DividedTrail]

22 minutes ago, Corduroy said:

We text mostly, since its easier to do while at work.  We never talk on the phone, just face to face. It would be kinda weird to just call her out of the blue. I might just send a text saying "hey, didn't hear back from you, everything ok?"

I get that it would be weird to call if you never speak on the phone. I have no advice but this is a problem with texting. And man, is that what dating is like now a days? Talking on the phone you can learn a lot. I would at least want to hear her voice a couple times a week. 

If you had asked her out for Friday or whatever on the phone and she said she would get back to you, I would think an average person would feel compelled to offer an explanation even if in general. 

Like:

You: How about we go bungee jumping on Friday?
Her: I’ll get back to you, I need some time to decompress.(or maybe she doesn’t really have a reason and that could be a clue for you she is flaking or realizes she might have some doubts about seeing you again). Or maybe she doesn’t like bungee jumping lol
You: OK cool. I plan to go anyway so how about we touch base on Thursday and see how you feel. 
Her: That sounds good. 

At least you could get a sense from her voice where her emotions might be. But that is neither here nor there for your situation. 

[Corduroy]

28 minutes ago, DividedTrail said:

I get that it would be weird to call if you never speak on the phone. I have no advice but this is a problem with texting. And man, is that what dating is like now a days? Talking on the phone you can learn a lot. I would at least want to hear her voice a couple times a week. 

If you had asked her out for Friday or whatever on the phone and she said she would get back to you, I would think an average person would feel compelled to offer an explanation even if in general. 
 

 

Well it's the times, everything is always texting or social media. Don't get me wrong we still have great conversations in person but a phone call would be nice.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Corduroy

[Nothanks]

1 hour ago, Corduroy said:

I might just send a text saying "hey, didn't hear back from you, everything ok?"

Do this.  She may have a lot on her plate and you are just casually dating.  Asking if she is doing OK is polite, not needy.  If you get no response, then you know she is not interested. Good luck!

[Corduroy]

Well I asked her, she apologized and said work has been too much for her lately…

I knew that was it, I understand because I need time for myself on my days off of work

[basil67]

Glad that you didn't over react. 

Now, about her initiating more than you, do you plan to be more proactive so that she doesn't feel like you're a lazy dater or not into her?

[Corduroy]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Glad that you didn't over react. 

Now, about her initiating more than you, do you plan to be more proactive so that she doesn't feel like you're a lazy dater or not into her?

She initiates the contact, but I plan the dates and do the fun things. She knows I’m into her.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Corduroy said:

She initiates the contact, but I plan the dates and do the fun things. She knows I’m into her.

You would be wise to initiate contact too sometimes, OP. 

Trust me on this. 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Corduroy said:

Well I asked her, she apologized and said work has been too much for her lately…

I knew that was it, I understand because I need time for myself on my days off of work

So where do things stand now?  Have you planned another date?  If work is too much she could probably use some relaxing fun.  

[Corduroy]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

So where do things stand now?  Have you planned another date?  If work is too much she could probably use some relaxing fun.  

She says she has no energy and wants to shut down. Told her to drink some wine, take a bath, relax… I don’t want to push her to another date yet. I’ll just see how she’s doing this week

[Herkamer]

I'm a bit of a cynic when it comes to this kind of a story, so don't take it personally what I'm about to say. It's not my intention to attack you, and I don't mean to be throwing a wrench in all this, but I will be honest and give you something to think about going forward.

My question is, even though, according to her, she had to work, why didn't she say "hey, work is going to be heavy this week, so I may not be available, but can we (fill in the blanks)?" I don't know if I buy her story. If she likes you, she should have contacted you and it's not hard for her to do that. The fact you had to reach out to her and say something, then her apologizing because she was working a lot, appears to be a red flag. Not saying that work can't do that, but, again, she should had said something. Instead, she only responded when you contacted her after a week. I would wager the only reason she liked one of your pics was for validation purposes, and to make it seem like she's interested in you. I know I sound like a broken record, but, once again, she should have something to you.

What I'm getting at is she needed to communicate with you before this week happened, and if she were interested, she would have made it up to you by, at least, going to brunch or something. She didn't do any of that. You don't wait a week and say "oh, I'm sorry, I had work" when prompted to. It doesn't work that way in this case. The least she could have done was communicate with you during the week, that didn't happen either. Liking a photo doesn't count. She needed to not text you, but rather CALL you. Messaging can be done anytime, but CALLING you would have shown she had made the effort to actually show she's being more courteous, at minimum (even then, I'd still say she should have contacted you before the week began).

Now, the red flag to address because it can be anything. Top thing on the list is she's seeing another guy. If you're casually dating, chances are good there's another man somewhere in the picture so let's not pretend like this doesn't happen because it does more often than you think. If she actually likes you, she would be all in on you alone. It's clear you really like this woman, too, which is fine and, honestly, you've been showing loyalty so kudos to you. And it means you're not a bad guy. However, I question this woman's loyalty to you. Typically, whenever there's a story where there is no communication from the woman to the man she's seeing for a week and only respond when they are prompted to do so, it tells me there's no interest towards the guy (and vice versa).Then what ends up happening next is the woman (or man) is seeing someone else they don't want the partner to know about. The partner is simply their for validation and/or resource purposes only. That's it.

Second possibility is she may not be seeing someone on the side of the relationship, but she may not be interested in you anymore. It's rude and disrespectful for anyone to do what this woman did and leave you hang, if it turns out to be the case. Happened to me with a woman I dated a year ago. Her story was she couldn't get over a guy that she was engaged to a few years ago. After they called it off (long story), she had missed the guy and wanted to get him back, as odd as it may sound. Turned out the guy was married, but that didn't mean much to her. Our last time dating, she got a message from the guy's wife saying he passed away, and that must have had a gigantic effect on her because a half of a month later, she ghosted me for two and a half weeks, then called it off with me. At the time, I thought the reason why she didn't contact me was due to stuff that had happened earlier in the year (stuff in her family), but it turned out she actually wanted the now deceased ex back the whole time I was with her but now can never get him back, so I was going to be used to monkey branch back onto this guy down the road, if our relationship continued to grow. But after the dude passed, I was no longer useful to her and she had never had any real interest in me to begin with.

So keep in mind that this stuff does happen, and be careful not to put all your eggs into one basket on this. I hope it works out well and you guys grow together. You sound genuine and want this to happen. But don't buy into it next time if she does this again. Get out of the relationship altogether because it'll turn out bad for you. Also, keep an ear open if she starts talking about another guy (who's not a family member) almost constantly in a positive way. That's another red flag and all the more reason to call her out on it. Don't play "I should have done more" nor "oh, I'm just being insecure" because you've done more than enough and you're not being insecure but rather protecting yourself from potential harm. Be careful, dude.

[Corduroy]

Yeah, this has me thinking that she maybe lying, she left me on read last night and haven’t heard from her since. I guess I’ll stop trying and if she wants to see me, I’ll let that be on her to reach out.