Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Me and this girl have been casually dating for a few months. Things have been going good but when I asked her out, she said she’ll get back to me the next day. Well she never did and it’s been 4 days since I talked to her. I was kind of hurt and didn’t want to ask her why. I posted pictures of the fun things I did over the weekend that she was supposed to do with me, and she actually liked a pic. I don’t get, we talk every day and she went cold all of the sudden. I don’t want to come off too available and desperate, but should I contact her? What should I say?
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 So you actually went out on dates?? or were you just talking?
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 8 minutes ago, smackie9 said: So you actually went out on dates?? or were you just talking? Yes, we’ve be going out on dates
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Well I imagine she's moved on. That's why we date..to see how they or you will be in a relationship. She's pulling away, she lost interest or found another interest. Don't bother to push it.....walk away with your head held high. 4
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 16 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Well I imagine she's moved on. That's why we date..to see how they or you will be in a relationship. She's pulling away, she lost interest or found another interest. Don't bother to push it.....walk away with your head held high. Should I at least ask her if she was still interested? Because everything was going good and now I’m just confused and lost.
introverted1 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, Corduroy said: Should I at least ask her if she was still interested? Because everything was going good and now I’m just confused and lost. No. You asked, she said she'd get back to you, she disappeared. That's an answer. She knows how to find you if she has a change of heart. 3
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 If you want to but you could get a bunch of bs.
Amanda92 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Do you used to contact every day? Are you in a relationship?
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 Just now, Amanda92 said: Do you used to contact every day? Are you in a relationship? Yeah we talk every single day. Last week she said how she was happy to have met me. I would think it was getting to a relationship because things were going smoothly.
Amanda92 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 I don't know her, but I would run away if a guy wouldn't call me a "girlfriend" after several months.
mark clemson Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Quote She flaked on me, should I let it go? You should definitely let it go. Move on to someone better. GL!
ItsTheDay Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) Just ask her, big deal. I'm assuming you're both adults, right? Just say hey I haven't from you in a bit, everything alright? If she just replies with something simple like yeah then just let it be and move on, also if she doesn't answer you then you move on. Edited September 21, 2021 by ItsTheDay 4
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 Think I’ll just move on, should I block her on everything? 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 You said it has been 4 days since you last spoke to her but she liked some picture you posted. Then you said you talk every day. Which is it? You talk every day or you haven't spoken to her in 4 days? If you want to be done with her for blowing you off, be done. You don't have to block her but you can if you want to. Unfriending her should be sufficient. If she is already not communicating with you, blocking is sort of redundant. If you still like her, I'd reach out & arrange another date, as in do you want to do [X] on Thursday? Once she commits to that, you ask what happened this past weekend but be casual / curious not accusatory. "Hey, I saw you liked the picture I posted of me [doing activity]. I thought you would have joined me to [do that activity] but you didn't get back to me. What happened? Did we get our wires crossed?" Were you expecting me to reach out?" it softens the blow if you include the possibility that you erred. 1
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You said it has been 4 days since you last spoke to her but she liked some picture you posted. Then you said you talk every day. Which is it? You talk every day or you haven't spoken to her in 4 days? If you want to be done with her for blowing you off, be done. You don't have to block her but you can if you want to. Unfriending her should be sufficient. If she is already not communicating with you, blocking is sort of redundant. If you still like her, I'd reach out & arrange another date, as in do you want to do [X] on Thursday? Once she commits to that, you ask what happened this past weekend but be casual / curious not accusatory. "Hey, I saw you liked the picture I posted of me [doing activity]. I thought you would have joined me to [do that activity] but you didn't get back to me. What happened? Did we get our wires crossed?" Were you expecting me to reach out?" it softens the blow if you include the possibility that you erred. We used to talk everyday, talking about our days or whatever, but it stopped 4 days ago. I really like her, but her flaking on me and us not speaking has been bugging me. I’d contact her, but people have been saying I’ll come off too clingy or too available. But what I asked “so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…”
SumGuy Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Corduroy said: Should I at least ask her if she was still interested? Because everything was going good and now I’m just confused and lost. Sure why not? What do you have to lose? She still doesn't get back to you? That is exactly where you are now. The real trick is to ask in a non-needy, non-blaming way. Perfectly human to get hurt, annoyed etc. when she didn't get back to you...but need to get over that and approach it from a place of confidence (not arrogance) and abundance. If me would try something along the lines...Notice you liked my weekend photos, would have been great if you could have joined me. How is it going? Interested in getting this weekend?....certainly if you have more specifics on day, time thing to do, could include them In one's emotional state when crafting these things, like to assume she had a reasonable reason to keep the tone right. In living my life, such radio silence is kind of BS and I would basically move forward and not reserve myself for her. That is would give her a day or two to get back to me but if she does not would make plans with someone else or other plans. The above in my book is just giving her another chance, not assuming anything that would prematurely end a good thing (if it is a good thing). At least the above is what has worked for me in the past. So many times there is miscommunication, or something else that comes up and people flake on you which has no connection to them being over you. Heck some people are just flakes, up to you if that is acceptable to you. 1
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 1 minute ago, Corduroy said: We used to talk everyday, talking about our days or whatever, but it stopped 4 days ago. I really like her, but her flaking on me and us not speaking has been bugging me. I’d contact her, but people have been saying I’ll come off too clingy or too available. But what I asked “so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…” This is not a message anyone would want to get. Passive/aggressive/butt hurt. Could have asked her if everything is ok because you haven't heard from her. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 1 minute ago, Corduroy said: I’d contact her, but people have been saying I’ll come off too clingy or too available. But what I asked “so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…” Contacting somebody to find out WTH happened is not needy. Saying what you want to say is needy / clingy & bad. Work choice matters, as does tone. Say what I suggested instead. It's confident. It's more like coming across as you having had a great time & she lost out by not showing up. If she doesn't respond, be done. If she gives you an equivocal dodge assume something is fishy & again be done. 1
SumGuy Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Corduroy said: We used to talk everyday, talking about our days or whatever, but it stopped 4 days ago. I really like her, but her flaking on me and us not speaking has been bugging me. I’d contact her, but people have been saying I’ll come off too clingy or too available. But what I asked “so are you still interested in dating? Because I’d hate to be wasting your time…” I think that what you asked is perfectly fine. You have a history of interaction and it just stopped. She also should know how out of character her behavior has become. If she doesn't then you are dodging a bullet. It is perfectly reasonable to wonder and ask what you did. In my experience if she has not moved on this will not end it. If she has moved on not much you could do anyway. Now if she moved on and is mean (or looking for an excuse, or doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions) she may try to spin it that what you asked is the reason, but that is pure BS, and another bullet dodged. 2
wahtaguy Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Move on. Don't say anything. Her actions are speaking loudly right now. Ghosting says a lot about someone. No matter what it could be, she could communicate and she's chosen not to. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 44 minutes ago, vwisme said: Her actions are speaking loudly right now. Ghosting says a lot about someone. No matter what it could be, she could communicate and she's chosen not to. We live in the age of Covid. What if she has contracted the virus & is very sick? There are valid reasons why somebody is not communicating. I doubt that is what was going on here but your bright line rule doesn't leave any room for nuance or fallibility. @vwisme @Corduroyyou won't get any answers if you don't ask. 1
Author Corduroy Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: We live in the age of Covid. What if she has contracted the virus & is very sick? There are valid reasons why somebody is not communicating. I doubt that is what was going on here but your bright line rule doesn't leave any room for nuance or fallibility. @vwisme @Corduroyyou won't get any answers if you don't ask. Well she’s a Therapist, she posted the other day how she’s mentally and physically tired from dealing with people all day. That’s an excuse, but she could have told me directly she doesn’t want to see me instead of keeping hanging on. IDK, maybe I’ll ask her in a few days after I’ve calmed down, me being pissed off right now won’t help
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Corduroy said: Me and this girl have been casually dating for a few months. Are you exclusive or both still talking to nd meeting others? She seems flaky but if you have not established what you want, she'll lose interest. Ask her out. Don't send use cryptic social media posts as some sort of message. Be direct. If you're done with flaky, just move forward. Did she ghost? Edited September 21, 2021 by Wiseman2 1
Beachead Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) Hey OP, My general approach to people who pull this is to just leave it alone because the answer you're looking for is actually in the actions. It's in the things they do or don't do. The choices. For example, things were flowing well. You asked her out and she said she'd get back to you and never did and it's been days. That's a big risk she's taking, going silent like that. Someone who's interested in having you in their life in a romantic capacity will not take risks and jeopardize things with you because they want to make sure they'll see you again in the future. Even if she had good reasons, I think given how often you two were talking and how many dates you've both had together, she should have responded even if it was just to tell you "She's having a hard week and may not be responsive." Communication is important. When one is left in the dark, they feel as you do. If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt..then give her another 3 days so that it makes it a week since you've heard from her..then write her off for good. - Beach Edited September 21, 2021 by Beachead 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Corduroy said: Well she’s a Therapist, she posted the other day how she’s mentally and physically tired from dealing with people all day. That’s an excuse, but she could have told me directly she doesn’t want to see me instead of keeping hanging on. IDK, maybe I’ll ask her in a few days after I’ve calmed down, me being pissed off right now won’t help You are right being pissed off won't help. It's why I also counseled you to ask if perhaps you got your wires crossed & she's been sitting there wondering why you blew her off. Calm is better. She may very well be a flake & you don't ever have to speak to her again if you don't want to. However, if you want to talk to her with an eye toward making this work, going at her with guns blazing is not the solution.
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