jenny 73 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) Hi all! So I have been dating someone for a round 3 months now. I like him and I think he does too. He asks me out and helps me (I have a broken foot) and everything. He is being very nice and also attractive! I was chatting with him yesterday and told him (in a kind way) that I wish he would open up to me more and just share things with me. I think he is not as vulnerable as I am and I want to make sure he is comfortable with me. He was a bit confused and asked what does being open look like to me. He said he is being open and honest and I said that's good I just want to make sure you are comfortable. When we were talking about future, I asked him if he is also looking for a long term relationship. He said yes, but said he is not exactly sure and is getting to know me which is the same for me. I definitely need more time to explore him more but I wanted to make sure if he likes me enough to give it a shot rather than knowing he doesn't want to be with me at all (basically playing with me). He said he likes me but also not sure if a year from now when I graduate from my graduate program, he would able to keep up with me in terms of where I go and if he would be able/willing to make sacrifices to join me. He said I mentioned a specific job somewhere else and I told him I will be somewhat flexible. But it made me think about future and how do people commit to one another if they don't know each other and where they will be professionally, assuming both have their own life and career goals. and of course, about our situation. We said we are willing to explore and I guess I would wait to see if he shows interest again to hang out. but yeah, I wanted to know the key behind people committing to one another. Do you know it is the one when it is? or you would have to built it? I wanted to make sure he is not just looking for short term but not sure if this will be problematic and he would/would not want to see me again. Edited September 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting of title
robaday Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 I'd say by three months in I'd be exclusive with a woman, so in a committed relationship. But that's not really a serious relationship after three months, for me after about six months is when it starts to get serious. So I guess committed means different things to different people. After three months I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, even if we hadn't discussed exclusivity. Part of that is laziness on my part - I'm a busy guy and also would feel a bit weird sleeping with others after that point. But to say I'm in a serious committed relationship, I'd probably say that would be a bit later on...after six months maybe...if that makes any sense?? Regarding the job somewhere else. Look I got involved with someone when we were both living overseas and knew we would likely be heading to different destinations after our year was up. I was incredibly hesitant because I didn't want a long distance relationship. We ended up falling in love, but honestly the pain of our slow breakup (due to distance afterward) was heart wrenching as I could sense her pulling away for some time. It is a major factor for me in future relationships and how much I am willing to invest. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Ok it's going well. 12 weeks dating is a good time to observe this. Hopefully you are dating exclusively. Do not force future talk. No one has a crystal ball for years down the road. At 12 weeks step back and reflect on if you are happy, if things are going well, etc. It's premature to ask someone if they will be marrying you in the future. Focus on getting to know each other and determine if you want to continue. 1
MelIsT899 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 When you don’t want either one with anyone else 1
Author jenny 73 Posted September 21, 2021 Author Posted September 21, 2021 6 hours ago, introverted1 said: Didn't you just ask this? Thanks for asking, so this question is about the same guy I am seeing. However, the question is supposed to have a more general outlook, (for this case) and/or in general how do you know when it is right to commit and if he says he sees crossroads in the future does that mean he is honest or it means he is politely saying he doesnt care or like me enough?
Caauug Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 On 9/21/2021 at 9:02 AM, jenny 73 said: I wish he would open up to me more and just share things with me. I think he is not as vulnerable as I am and I want to make sure he is comfortable with me. He was a bit confused and asked what does being open look like to me. He said he is being open and honest and I said that's good I just want to make sure you are comfortable. I wonder why he would be confused? You want him to: open up, share things (his emotions or feelings I'm guessing?), and be vulnerable?? That would be him being feminine? You are attracted to him because he is a man, but you want him to be like a woman? That should weaken your attraction to him.... Please don't try to change him. Enjoy him for the way he is. On 9/21/2021 at 9:02 AM, jenny 73 said: he would able to keep up with me in terms of where I go and if he would be able/willing to make sacrifices to join me. He said I mentioned a specific job somewhere else and I told him I will be somewhat flexible. What do you want in your life? Do you see yourself as a SAHM later in life? Are you expecting him to give up a career where he is now to follow you for your career then you give it all up to be a SAHM for years? Lots of times after the nest is empty it is nearly impossible to jump back into the career with out refresher courses if there is still a market for you. Is he on good money now? When you graduate will you be earning more than he will? If yes, don't get serious with him, you will want someone earning more than you will for a partner. That is part of your human nature. On 9/21/2021 at 9:02 AM, jenny 73 said: I wanted to make sure he is not just looking for short term but not sure if this will be problematic and he would/would not want to see me again. Do you want to see him run or do you want to see him bow? If your insecurities pressure him for a commitment before he is ready he will do one or the other. How badly do you want to loose him or loose respect for him? Dating for 3 months, just relax and enjoy him for who he is. Life will sort it's self out, we all make mistakes so don't go forcing the mistakes before you have a chance to do it naturally. Finish school and get your career where you need it, with or without him.
chillii Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, jenny 73 said: Thanks for asking, so this question is about the same guy I am seeing. However, the question is supposed to have a more general outlook, (for this case) and/or in general how do you know when it is right to commit and if he says he sees crossroads in the future does that mean he is honest or it means he is politely saying he doesnt care or like me enough? Probably a bit of both bc there are crossroads in the future by the sounds of it. But just on him , he sounds a bit half in half out besides to me and the whole even needing to question it after 3mths is just well, things are just too flat between you to me. The few times l've committed in my life and l was married 22yrs, we both knew well and truly in wks if not sooner or immediately, it's usually very very obvious to you both. Personally , l wouldn't be holding my breath or wasting too much life on this one if l was you. The fact that you even had to ask him and the beat about the bush leaving it open answers he gave, well. Edited September 22, 2021 by chillii 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 10 hours ago, jenny 73 said: Thanks for asking, so this question is about the same guy I am seeing. However, the question is supposed to have a more general outlook, (for this case) and/or in general how do you know when it is right to commit and if he says he sees crossroads in the future does that mean he is honest or it means he is politely saying he doesnt care or like me enough? 10 hours ago, jenny 73 said: if he says he sees crossroads in the future does that mean he is honest or it means he is politely saying he doesnt care or like me enough? Get the word "commit" out of your conversations with him. Talking engagement and marriage 3 mos into dating is premature. Are you exclusive? That's normal for 3 mos dating. You both need time to get to know each other better. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 90 days in sounds like an OK time to confirm that you both want to be exclusive & only date each other. But at the 3 month mark I would only be thinking no more than 3 months into the future as in you can be relatively sure you will have a date this New Years Eve but it's too soon to even plan a vacation together next summer. Saying general things like you want somebody to be more "open & honest" is too vague. It adds unnecessary pressure. Don't talk about theoretical concepts like that. Ask specific Qs if you want to know something. If the answer makes you think the other person is hiding something, re-evaluate whether you are getting too personal too soon or if they are holding back for bad reasons like they don't trust you yet.
stillafool Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 23 hours ago, jenny 73 said: if he says he sees crossroads in the future To me this sounds "iffy". "If" when he gets to certain life crossroads and at that time he's in love with you then the answer is "yes". "If not" the answer is No.
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2021 Posted September 22, 2021 If you have to ask, then most likely the answer is no he doesn't. Is it too early to ask? For some yes, others no. My experience: anyone I had a LTR with, was in deep emotionally by 3 months. He sounds iffy and possibly still weighing his options.
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