Attractive, Yet Poor Turn-Out on Dating Sites

[Love2Love78]

Over the years, I have had women time and time compliment me on "how attractive I am," some even said "I never dated anyone as attractive as you before," and the like.  However, when it comes to dating sites, I rarely hear from people I contact.  This isn't just on sites like OkCupid, where I create a lengthy profile that would filter incompatible ones.  Even on apps like Tinder and Bumble, where you really don't give them much of a profile, I STILL don't have much luck there, even when building profiles similar to those suggested to work best.

The only other thing I can come up with is that my pictures aren't very good.  I mean I know some definitely aren't that great, but my pictures are limited because I didn't start doing the beard thing until a little less than a year ago.  So, a lot of my pics no longer look like me.  And since then, most of my pictures were with an ex-girlfriend, so I don't have much of anything of me personally.

I was wondering if anyone knows of any decent resources to figure out which pictures of me are decent and worth using, and which ones shouldn't be on my profile?  I'm just really not good when it comes to things like that, so I definitely need someone else's opinion when it comes to picking and choosing pictures.  I have asked an ex I still talk to a female friend, but I got conflicting opinions from both.  So, I'm hoping to find someone with a broader, more unbiased eye, to give me what generally works best.

I also know that eventually, I'm going to have to get a photographer to get some new, quality pictures.  I'd try to go with places I go to regularly, things that demonstrate me out and about.  Also, one at home to demonstrate my taste in home decor (goth/Victorian).  It's very hard to sum me up in a nutshell, so I'm trying to figure out what would be best.

One other thing, I do have a decent body and I'd like to show it off.  Just not sure of the best tasteful ways to do that?  I was considering a photographer at a beach nearby, or possibly by my pool since I frequent there more.  I'd still need a professional though, as I am not good with photographic creativity.  But anyway, I'm open to any other suggestions that might be a good idea.  The thing I do most frequently when naked is shower or sex, but I have a strong feeling pictures of the latter with me and an ex would be a very poor decision, lol.  But seriously, help someone photographically incompetent here.

I can't even tell out of those (other than the tank top one) that would need to go.  And yes, I know the profile needs work too.  I haven't made the effort to update it because I'm not trying to date yet.  I mean if something came along, great, but I'm not making the effort yet.  So, not so much concerned about the profile as I am the pictures, which are the common factor with all the sites. 

One problem is it's hard to find things that I really like that do a good job at defining me.  Like I love cons, going to one next month, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get any good quality ones there since I'm most likely going by myself (I don't know many people in this area).  And there's a gothic cafe I go to, but not sure if a photographer would be able to get decent shots in there or not.  I'm just so eclectic that it's hard for me to even know where and what to take pictures with.  So yea, whatever suggestions you all have, I'm all ears.  Thanks.

Edited September 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed link to dating profile/personal photos

[Weezy1973]

11 minutes ago, Love2Love78 said:

Over the years, I have had women time and time compliment me on "how attractive I am," some even said "I never dated anyone as attractive as you before," and the like. 

What happened with these women? Were you equally attracted to them?

[Ami1uwant]

How much of these good looking comments were just being nice?  Like giving you the impression you are a 9 but others might think you are a 6?
 

how arrogant do you come off in your profile? How well written is it?

 

maybeyouare just getting people who think gothic is an immediate turn off to them ?

[d0nnivain]

I never had a problem meeting people in real life.  I could barely get anyone's attention on OLD.  It's just the nature of the beast.  

[ShyViolet]

How are you so sure that it's the pictures that are the reason for your lack of success?  Maybe it's something you are saying in your profile.  Or something you are saying when you message people.

[Maldives]

It's common on online dating. I have the same issue tried multitude of different approaches ways etc. I discovered it's mainly this...woman get tons of messages where as men don't. They have so many options and probably your lost within the heap. I had a woman show me in one day she had 149 messages. That's the issue right there that's why it not getting a response 

[introverted1]

https://www.photofeeler.com/

[smackie9]

You might be attractive but have an outdated look/appearance.

[Andy_K]

Regarding showing off your physique - it needs to be in a setting where being topless is conceivably a natural thing, e.g beach or pool. I have one where I'm with my bike overlooking the countryside on a hot summer day. It's got plenty of positive comments, but you can never tell how many will automatically dismiss you because of it. On that note though, it is better to be polarising in some way because as mentioned above, women will get huge numbers of messages and you're likely to get lost in the crowd.

No matter how good you think your profile, pictures, or messages are, most of the time it doesn't just doesn't matter because it's WHEN you message that counts. If you do it when she's 'available' for a date, you've got a good chance of a response .If she's already juggling a handful of conversations and has a date or two lined up (or has just been on), you'll be lucky if your message even gets read, let alone responded to. Which is why it's really more of a numbers game than anything else.

[Wiseman2]

You're over thinking the whole thing with photomontages etc.

A few candid shots are best. Close up, full body, a few natural candid shots. Have a friend take them

Don't make a dating profile look like a resume for an ad agency with all these contrived shots.

Women of  course want someone good looking, but if your profile screams "conceited " or "self-absorbed" it's  more of a negative than a positive.

Don't try this hard, be a bit more self-effacing..  Strive for natural, relaxed, good personality.

I  may be mistaken but it's my understanding that posed shirtless shots are not a turn on for women

[mark clemson]

While being attractive is certainly helpful statistically, from what I understand many women are bombarded with far more attention from men on OLD than they know what to do with, so you will probably have to try a bit harder. The women may be overwhelmed and feel like dealing with all but the very best matches is "just work". There are certainly other factors as well, so if you come across as e.g. not well established in your career or perhaps still a bit "immature" similar that may be one factor. Not saying these things are so with you, but they are examples. Reality is that when it comes to dating men have to step up their game quite a bit.

Also I have heard it said that OLD is "the playground of the dysfunctional" so there may be attention fiends, time-wasters, and bots among other things in your matches.

The good news for you is that probably you will do just fine once you get to the in-person meeting. So anything you can do to get to that more quickly such as suggesting a quick "let's just meet" coffee date or going for in-person venues such as meet-ups will probably go well.

[Interstellar]

I would avoid shirtless pics even if you have a great body. How about a nice, tight fitting collared shirt instead. Leave something to the imagination.

As far as photos go, you answered it. Just spend money on a great photographer or a portrait photographer.

Edited September 20, 2021 by Interstellar

[elaine567]

23 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

Over the years, I have had women time and time compliment me on "how attractive I am," some even said "I never dated anyone as attractive as you before," and the like.  However, when it comes to dating sites, I rarely hear from people I contact. 

Could it be you are not quite so attractive any more?
Do you look too old or young for your age?
Is your style on trend, or is your wardrobe more teenager that grown man or are you dressing like your grandad?
Do you look friendly and approachable or do you look cold, sinister or creepy in your pics?

[Love2Love78]

20 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

How are you so sure that it's the pictures that are the reason for your lack of success?  Maybe it's something you are saying in your profile.  Or something you are saying when you message people.

Because like I said, it's not just in places with elaborate profiles, but ones like Tinder, where I have kept them VERY brief at times and used some of the profile design concepts that statistically work best.  So, no matter how short and simple, or how elaborate, the poor return is the same either way.

[Love2Love78]

4 hours ago, Andy_K said:

Regarding showing off your physique - it needs to be in a setting where being topless is conceivably a natural thing, e.g beach or pool. I have one where I'm with my bike overlooking the countryside on a hot summer day. It's got plenty of positive comments, but you can never tell how many will automatically dismiss you because of it. On that note though, it is better to be polarising in some way because as mentioned above, women will get huge numbers of messages and you're likely to get lost in the crowd.

No matter how good you think your profile, pictures, or messages are, most of the time it doesn't just doesn't matter because it's WHEN you message that counts. If you do it when she's 'available' for a date, you've got a good chance of a response .If she's already juggling a handful of conversations and has a date or two lined up (or has just been on), you'll be lucky if your message even gets read, let alone responded to. Which is why it's really more of a numbers game than anything else.

Very good point.  I know women tend to get inundated with messages with online dating.  It can overwhelm them, go to their heads (and as such go for people out of their league), or otherwise leave you left unseen in a pile of messages that they were flooded with.

I mean I am certainly open to meeting people in person, I've just never been that great at it.  Like say if I see someone I think is really attractive while grocery shopping.  Well, all I have to work with at that point is that they're attractive.  So, what do I even say?  "Hey, you're attractive, that's all I know for now, but I'd like to get a coffee with you sometime soon to see if there's more to you."

And for whatever reason, I am REALLY drawn to women into the goth type look.  Just such a huge turn-on to me, yet so hard to find, at least in my area.  We have one single goth club here, but it's so loud and dark in that place that it makes conversation VERY difficult. 

I'm definitely going to have to figure out places locally where I could find people with similar interests.  I've considered local bookstores, like say Barnes & Nobles, as that way, I can at least see if they have similar taste in books (and that's a conversation starter).  But, I guess where to go to find single women would be a topic best suited to a new thread.

Regardless, I appreciate everyone's feedback here, and I'm definitely going to get some more professional photography done, along with considering other venues to meet women.

[mrs rubble]

Do you dress in Goth gear and wear black eyeliner?  If so there's only a very limited number of women who would be attracted to that IMO. 

Agree with the others in regards to topless shot's, unless you're a naturist avoid them, they just say "Look at me, I'm in love with myself."

[Alpacalia]

Some of your images might depict you in your natural state, engaged in an activity that you enjoy.

Because you identify as eclectic, lifestyle photographs based on some of the things you mention can be encapsulated in your shots, which depict a varied variety of hobbies or interests, as well as mingled thoughts, concepts, or sometimes tangible objects in an unconventional manner.

A snapshot of you engaged in an unusual pastime, on the other hand, could be really appealing.

Maybe a couple of black-and-white photos.

A classic, clean headshot with a nice expression, soft lighting, good hair and a kempt face for the main photo of your online dating profile.

It all basically comes down to your state of mind.

[chillii]

Your whole post , is about looks. Is there anything else on your profile , who are you what are you about, or just a whole lotta look at me, or why aren't you looking at me by the sounds. l didn't even have photos back in the day publicly , just a small amount of writing , trying , as impossible as that is, to just say something about myself and who l am and a few of the things of what l'd be looking for in a girl.  Actually that's right l did have one photo up publicly, of a sloth, yep, as a joke on the whole date site bs really.

Didn't have any trouble meeting women , quite a few contacted me actually, maybe the sloth did it haha. But the few l chose to contact bc of who they were , or sounded to be , and in line with what l'd look for, replied , still no pic. Matter of fact it was two or 3 chit chats back and forth before l'd send a pic, l'd see if l liked the sound of her before l bothered.

So l'd say something is def' missing in the way your coming across is the problem , maybe it's like your post here no depth no you , just looks.

Edited September 21, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

Review what you want to do from the standpoint of women want a date/BF.

They don't want to be in a fan club or in the audience of your performance/art show.

[Love2Love78]

18 hours ago, mrs rubble said:

Do you dress in Goth gear and wear black eyeliner?  If so there's only a very limited number of women who would be attracted to that IMO. 

Agree with the others in regards to topless shot's, unless you're a naturist avoid them, they just say "Look at me, I'm in love with myself."

Very rarely.  I did plan to get one photo of me in the gear and a gothic/Victorian setting (there's a goth coffee shop nearby that should work well).  That way, they can see it's something I do, but not regularly.  I feel like if I don't have any pics like that at all, they're going to go "why the hell does this plain-dressed dude want me, a goth chick?"  But idk, maybe not.  Either way, only one pic is going to have that in it, and I don't have any tattoos or piercings, although ironically, I LOVE them on women.  With that said though, I don't think one pic like that would necessarily  hurt me if the women are not that into it, as I feel one pic shows I am up for it, but it's not what I'm all about.

And I get what you're all saying about the topless shot.  Sadly though, I know being in shape can score huge points with a lot of women if done tastefully.  They say it doesn't, but then the shirt comes off and immediately after, their panties do.  It's one of those "I don't want to admit that's important to me, but it is" type of thing in my experience.  And I mean honestly, even though looks are WAY down on my list of priorities, it certainly doesn't hurt when a woman has an amazing figure.  So, while I don't like superficial people, I do understand a woman would prefer a well chiseled man over one with love-handles all other things equal.  But again, if I do it, it would be either by the pool, in the pool, or at the beach.  I want that for my personal taste too, as I love the water.  But, maybe one with just my upper torso out of the water, or lounging out on a floaty with a drink.  I feel like if there's enough in the picture to show this is not about me just popping my shirt off, it shouldn't be an issue.  At least if it's only one picture, just like I said with the gothic style pic.  

[basil67]

OK, so I'm not goth.  But I love the aesthetic, get dressed up and clubbing with my faded old goth friends.   And you're right that the clubs are too loud to talk - but that's kinda the point:  You're there to dance not talk.   

You say you feel that the goth girl would wonder why this straight looking guy would approach her.  The answer to that would be seeing that your interests read as goth.  Aside from loving the aesthetic, what parts of your personality vibe with other goths?    I'm thinking about music tastes, movies, social views.

[Love2Love78]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK, so I'm not goth.  But I love the aesthetic, get dressed up and clubbing with my faded old goth friends.   And you're right that the clubs are too loud to talk - but that's kinda the point:  You're there to dance not talk.   

You say you feel that the goth girl would wonder why this straight looking guy would approach her.  The answer to that would be seeing that your interests read as goth.  Aside from loving the aesthetic, what parts of your personality vibe with other goths?    I'm thinking about music tastes, movies, social views.

Great questions.  As far as what vibes with them, definitely music, I love anything with a gothic/Victorian look, including my furniture, I love anything creepy (Halloween decor year-round, etc.), love tattoos (though that's not necessarily goth), and from what I've seen, a lot of it is extremely eclectic.  I mean you have goths with all different belief systems, all kinds of values, etc.  For most, from what I've gathered over the years, it's mainly about the look, particularly being who you want without worrying about the social stigmas.

[basil67]

So on chatting to my 22yo daughter (who's dating profile photos go from goth to 'I can cover my tattoos and dress to meet your parents'), she says that 98% of the guys who contact her are not goth or even indie.  So the goth girl will not question why you are contacting her.  She also liked @Wiseman2's advice about professional photos being too much....she asked "does he have friends?"  Friends can take your photos.  

She also says that you and I are talking different subcultures.  I'm the one who hangs out with trad goths, listening to punk, post punk, new wave, industrial music.   And where political beliefs based around social justice and fairness are very much part of the identity.   Apparently younger goths are more about the aesthetic and this is where you're at.  And that's OK, but I'm not the one to be giving you advice.  

But I will leave you with something which may resonate.  Rebecca Schaffenberger wrote in her book Goth: Undead Culture: “We’re hard-core romantics, dreamy realists and cynical idealists. We find beauty in the macabre, while seeking fairness and tenderness in our daily lives. We love all things ancient, while being modern and liberal in our social outlook. We’re intelligent and creative without being cutthroat and competitive. We’re angry yet peaceful. We’re sure of ourselves but wary of strangers. We’re funny but bitter … but mostly very shy.”    

Edited September 22, 2021 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't matter what you're into or dress like,etc. Be yourself. That will attract the right people.

Why not get more involved in real life groups clubs events etc that reflect your tastes? That's another way to meet more like minded women.

As far as your profile, stick to a few natural and candid shots. A dating profile should not look like a portfolio for a male model trying to sell alternative lifestyles.