Mr Taz Posted September 19, 2021 Posted September 19, 2021 (edited) Hi all. So first time posting/asking question(s). I've split with my little boys mum and I have him every weekend. I'm in another "commited" relationship with someone that wanted to be part of mine and my sons life and take the good with the bad. But things pop up on the weekends and me and the boy are excluded from her family events. All the time. And when I get frustrated I'm in the wrong. It's like me and the little one are here and get dropped and we just have to deal with it. I'm not saying that we need to go everywhere together but this situation has occurred every like 4 to 8 weeks over the space of a year. I just don't feel like it's really fair. Now the little one means more to me then anything or anyone else. I don't feel like I can be with someone that just doesn't consider how we feel being constantly excluded. For example, she said that her brother was having his 40th birthday party and she was going, cool, but she kept it quiet that there would be children there aswel and that stung me as they was all around my boys age. She was drunk and then accidently told me. I felt like we was cast aside. She had no children of her own btw. I just can't help but feel this will always be the case. Ive spoken spoken her about this but she just walks away saying " I can't do anything right" and the issue is then put on to me. She has told me she has a hard time considering others feelings but claim to be the most empathic person on the planet. Please tell me of I'm over the top on this feeling? But when I'm told she wants this family but only when it suits her then I'm at a loss on what to do. Am I wrong for getting frustrated? I'm I wrong in feeling like we are out casts? I'm I wrong in feeling like the blame is shifted on me? Remember if I bring it up calmly she shoots it right back at me. Any feed back would be greatly appreciated Thanks Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator more descriptive title
Wiseman2 Posted September 19, 2021 Posted September 19, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Mr Taz said: things pop up on the weekends and me and the boy are excluded from her family events. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Do the best you can co-parenting with your children's mother. This woman is not a stepparent or nanny. Perhaps on weekends with your kids do stuff with them. Your children are not part of her family. Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Typo cleanup
Author Mr Taz Posted September 19, 2021 Author Posted September 19, 2021 Yes we live together, she wants to be included in everything that involves my boy, which I do, we discuss things about him and his progression, she does call herself his stepmother. On weekends if I want to do things with the little one provided she isn't busy she get annoyed if I don't include her so I do which isn't an issue and she works Mondays and I have him till Monday evening so I can do things with him just me and him.
Wiseman2 Posted September 19, 2021 Posted September 19, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, Mr Taz said: , she does call herself his stepmother. But she's not. She's a rebound live in GF you know less than a year. You need a better coparenting relationship with thier mother. It's harmful to them to try to replace their mother with a live in GF. Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Typo cleanup 2 1
Author Mr Taz Posted September 19, 2021 Author Posted September 19, 2021 (edited) Not sure about the rebound thing, was single for about 2 years after little man's mum. I'm not replacing his mother not sure where you got that impression. Before moving in we discussed alot but some things have clearly been missed out on both sides, however the choice of wanting to be a stepmother wasn't one of mine, if things was laid out correctly. If it was a simple live in GF then I wouldn't see things the way I do because that was not the impression I'd got when deciding to get a place together Cheers Edited September 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Typo cleanup
ExpatInItaly Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 18 hours ago, Mr Taz said: She has told me she has a hard time considering others feelings And why is this so hard for her? Big red flag, and she showed it to you herself. 18 hours ago, Mr Taz said: Ive spoken spoken her about this but she just walks away saying " I can't do anything right" What does she say when you ask her, "Why are we excluded?" She has no explanation at all? 18 hours ago, Mr Taz said: But when I'm told she wants this family but only when it suits her She actually told you that? Because if so, you are really dating the wrong woman. You live together, and yet she is evidently keeping you out of various aspects of her life. I am hoping her family knows you and that you have a son - do they? Have they met you both before? 2
d0nnivain Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 You live together & 8 times over the last year she excluded you & your child from big parts of her life like her brother's 40th birthday where other children we present. Sorry but I'd exclude her from the rest of my life if somebody treated me that cavalierly. 2
elaine567 Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 My guess her family do not want to know you for some reason, or she knows they would not approve, so she is hiding you...
Calmandfocused Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 (edited) Big red flag! I have personal experience of this and its not pleasant. The bottom line was he was ashamed of being in a relationship with a divorced mother of 2. He didn’t want people to know for religious/ cultural reasons and it hurt me big time. Likewise I think she’s embarrassed by her relationship with you and your son. She’d rather keep you “separate” and enjoy her family life independently. However that attitude is disgusting. She can’t have one rule for her and another for you. That’s called having your cake and eating it. It’s also called selfish and unfair. Never accept a relationship that is on unequal footing, or a relationship where someone is trying to “hide” you and your child. Tell her that it makes you unhappy and that you feel that the relationship is one sided. If she’s not willing to accept you both into her whole life then you know what to do. It’s interesting: people who have this “they are not good enough for me and my family” attitude are usually the ones not “good enough” for the affected partner. How ironic? Edited September 20, 2021 by Calmandfocused
Nothanks Posted September 20, 2021 Posted September 20, 2021 Maybe she is embarrassed but it could also be something else. Whatever it is, it is clear that she wants to keep you and your son separate from her family. Have you met her family? At first I thought maybe she wasn’t ready to signal to her family that this is a serious relationship. Did something happen between you and a family member? Another possibility is that she just did not want to play girlfriend/step parent at the party but wanted to have fun on her own. Whatever the reason, if it bothers you, you need to address it with her. It is clearly hurting you that she is not including you in that aspect of her life. 1
bene Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 (edited) Do you know her family? Is it possible that she’s not hiding you from them but them from you? Are they mean drunks and the birthday will turn into drama and chaos? (Don’t take it too seriously, just a thought). Otherwise it is really weird to keep you away like this. Edited September 21, 2021 by bene
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2021 Posted September 21, 2021 Do stuff with your children alone as well as with your GF. Leave her family out of it. Instead get more involved in your family. The kids need thier grandparents ,aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Make sure you stay in touch with your side of the family and your children can enjoy an extended family Your GFs family is not related to your children. Only your family and their mother's family. Also provide your kids with fulfilling visits when you have them. Focus on some dad time alone with them. Your GF is a grown woman. She has her own family and friends. Let her spend time with them while you reinforce your children's connections with their own extended family. 1
ASG Posted October 9, 2021 Posted October 9, 2021 On 9/21/2021 at 11:54 AM, Wiseman2 said: Do stuff with your children alone as well as with your GF. Leave her family out of it. Instead get more involved in your family. The kids need thier grandparents ,aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Make sure you stay in touch with your side of the family and your children can enjoy an extended family Your GFs family is not related to your children. Only your family and their mother's family. Also provide your kids with fulfilling visits when you have them. Focus on some dad time alone with them. Your GF is a grown woman. She has her own family and friends. Let her spend time with them while you reinforce your children's connections with their own extended family. My stepdad's family is as much my family as my own. Being related by blood means absolutely nothing when people are there and willing. Now, there seems to be an issue with this woman and her family, but we don't know what that issue is. So this advice to only care about his actual blood family is a bit weird. We have no indication of how much contact the OP has with his family (or if he has any), as we can only assume that when the kid is with his mother that he has contact with her family, again, if she has it! And the OP has also said he DOES do things alone with his kid A stepfamily can be an amazing extended family! I gained uncles, aunts, and several cousins who I get on with amazingly and cannot imagine not having in my life! OP, has she said why she does this? Have you met her family?
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2021 Posted October 10, 2021 You had what less then a year together? This is why we date...to see if they meet our expectations, and meet all criteria as a lifetime partner. Already big red flag. Give her an ultimatum. If she continues to do this, find a new GF.
kendahke Posted October 12, 2021 Posted October 12, 2021 You know what you need to do... you just don't want to do it. She's grown. You can't make her do anything she doesn't already want to do of her own volition. 8 times in one year, she's shown you that you don't rate high enough on her priority list to include you in her family get-togethers. Quote Am I wrong for getting frustrated? I'm I wrong in feeling like we are out casts? I'm I wrong in feeling like the blame is shifted on me? Feelings are neither right nor wrong: they just are. It's the ACTION you put behind feelings that deliver them into the categories of right/wrong. Does she live with you? Why?
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