Paternity of my son

[pepperbird2]

OP,

please do some research before you do this. It's illegal  to test another adult's DNA without their consent. This link explains further: https://www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/ethics/seeking-consent/consent-in-paternity-testing . (its from he UK< but the  laws are similar in most countires)

Edited September 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Uruktopi]

On 9/20/2021 at 11:26 AM, mark clemson said:

Perhaps, but consider -  should you?

Standing applauses to this answer

[Prudence V]

On 9/22/2021 at 12:22 AM, pepperbird2 said:

I think too many are focusing ot the OP and his wife, when the only "innocent' one here is the son.

It was precisely thinking about the son that prompted my advice. The OP already has his suspicions, and his decision whether or not to stick with the possibly unfaithful wife doesn’t need proof one way or another. It sounds like there’s enough grounds as is. 
 

But the son… if he’s not already wondering about his place in the family, I wouldn’t pull the rug out from under his feet. Thinking about my brother, how would his life have been different had he known? For one, he’d have felt like an outsider, without the blood claim to the only extended family we had contact with (my mother’s family had been taken into care and split up - there were 11 kids - when they were young, so lost touch with each other) and with no contact with his biological father. His biological father was an alcoholic, in and out of jail, and died young (I think in a fight?) so not a legacy he would have been proud to own. As for health issues, without contact with that family, what information would he have had access to? 
 

But for another, it would have changed our, and others’,  relationship with him. They - We - would have looked at him differently, because he would have *been* different. He would have had our mother’s DNA but not our father’s, and people would have looked closely to see how that manifested. When he followed my dad’s footsteps career-wise, people wouldn’t have thought, “it was in his blood”, they’d have thought, “he’s trying to get closer to his adoptive father”. When he violently assaulted his then-wife, they’d have thought, “it’s his bad blood coming out” rather than, “it’s the violence he was exposed to during the war”. I’ve heard comments like that made about others, and I know that have been made about him, too - and even if not in his hearing, it would have gotten back to him. That’s a poor hand to deal a kid at any age, *unless the kid already has suspicions and questions*. 
 

Yes, everyone has the right to know who they are and where they fit in. But forcing that knowledge on him unbidden would be like kicking him out of the nest before he’s ready to fly. If he really looks that different, and has had contact with the other dude himself, the penny may drop for him or he may start asking his own questions. That would be the time to have a discussion, rathe than turning his world upside down and forcing him to reevaluate everything he thought he knew about himself. 
 

He is the innocent person here. He stands to lose so much, through no fault of his own. 

Edited September 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[serial muse]

I know the official question here is about getting a DNA test, but that seems like kind of a red herring to me. Honestly, the real question here is why you are still married to this person who has made these wild threats to you and who has apparently emotionally abused you for years. That is, if I understood you correctly. You're saying that, once you confronted her with the facial analysis results and hinted at a DNA test, she threatened to have you thrown in jail or into a mental institution if you went through with it?? What? (Also...that is not how any of this works.)

Seems to me that the real and credible threat is the possibility that she'd try to find a way to cut off your access to your kids (which sounds to me like a threat that isn't solely tied to a DNA test for the oldest, but may be something she has levied at you in the past for other possible actions she doesn't want you to take). Is that right? And if so, how realistic is that?  So...my advice is to lawyer up. You say you're in therapy to deal with your feelings about her and her treatment of you. Are your other children all young minors? Are they being actively harmed by what you think is her narcissistic personality disorder? If you truly mean what you say, that your oldest child is your son, regardless of DNA results, then does it actually matter what the DNA results are? What matters is the home environment everyone is living in, which sounds frankly awful. 

OK, I've painted a picture here. But is it the right picture of what's going on in your home? Is there ameliorating stuff to make this clearer? 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by serial muse

[elaine567]

Let sleeping dog's lie.
This has the potential to ruin everything, the marriage, the family, the son, the mental health of all concerned.
It could result in a lot of lonely, bitter, screwed up people
And for what?
The time for such questions and investigation was around 19 years ago.
BTW plenty biological sons look nothing like their father.

[solostand]

Believe it or not, the exact thing happened to my family when my son was 16.

I had had a long term relationship with a guy, then we broke up. I started dating the man who would become my husband and father of my son. We broke up for like two weeks, during which time I was with man number one. I reunited with man number two and found out I was pregnant three months later. Doc gave me a due date. I did math. My math worked out. Got married. Had baby. Husband loved the child instantly.

15 years later, my son turned into a replica of man A. He even walked like him. It was very obvious.

We had a DNA test. 99.99 per cent man A. I felt strongly that he deserved to know who his biological father was, and his biological father agreed.

In our case, it turned out alright for the boy. His Dad loved him unconditionally until the day he died. His other dad is the spit of him and he gained four half brothers and sisters whom he, as an only child, was thrilled to gain and is now close to.

Was it traumatic? Absolutely. But time healed the wounds and his father just acted beyond exceptional about it.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Prudence V said:

So my advice would be to let sleeping dogs lie for your son - unless he himself has questions about why he looks so different, in which case I’d be honest with him. 

Agree. If the real issue is this lover/old flame still hanging around address that between you and your wife.

[Landgaber]

On 9/21/2021 at 10:27 AM, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

please do some research before you do this. It's illegal  to test another adult's DNA without their consent. This link explains further: https://www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/ethics/seeking-consent/consent-in-paternity-testing . (its from he UK< but the  laws are similar in most countires)

I would not test him.  Just myself and my son.  I am still debating this

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Landgaber said:

I would not test him.  Just myself and my son.  I am still debating this

No, this isn't about testing the other potential father, it's about your son being an adult and as such, his informed consent is needed.

[DKT3]

You DO NOT NEED CONSENT. 

https://dnatesting.com/discreetly-doing-a-dna-test-without-consent-possible/

 

https://mydnatest.com/blog/can-paternity-test-administered-without-mother/

Quote

If you are considering taking a paternity test without the mother it is important to remember that all DNA paternity tests involving a minor require written consent of the legal guardian for the child to be tested. If the child is 18 years old or older there is no consent required for the test

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by DKT3

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, Landgaber said:

I would not test him.  Just myself and my son.  I am still debating this

Your son is an adult.
Testing him without his consent is sneaky and disingenuous. It may ruin your relationship whether he is found to be your biological son or not.

So you find out he is NOT your biological son... what then?
Are you going to disown him?
He may decide to disown you whether you want that or not and go seek out his real father.
If it is the guy you think it is, then he is obviously interested as he has been  hanging around for years in the background.
How would that make you feel? Father and son reunited with you a nobody...

We can all sit here, encouraging you to get at the "real truth" as it is always kind of satisfying to tie up loose ends, and some to be honest just love causing chaos in other people's lives, especially when infidelity or potential  infidelity is involved.
But WE can all go back to our own lives with our own families, you alone will have to deal with the fall out of this.

[Veronica73]

On 9/22/2021 at 11:32 PM, DKT3 said:

You DO NOT NEED CONSENT. 

https://dnatesting.com/discreetly-doing-a-dna-test-without-consent-possible/

 

https://mydnatest.com/blog/can-paternity-test-administered-without-mother/

 

I couldn’t open the second link. All the first link says is that he doesn’t need his wife’s consent. But I think he needs the consent of his son.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/22/2021 at 11:38 AM, Landgaber said:

Just myself and my son.

How would you go about this without dragging your son into your marital problems, suspicions and will it solve the problem of your wife's old flame hanging around?

 Start with the real problem. Talk to your wife about this guy hanging around.

Don't punish your son needlessly until you are in a better place regarding your marital problems, suspicions of infidelity and letting this guy hang around your house.

 

[petee]

Forget what is legal and illegal, where many a hat is laid.

This is about doing the right thing, so a chat with the lad and your wife together is the way forward.

He gets to learn a bit about his mother, and you get to help her come to terms if there has been any mis behaviour..

[stillafool]

Would you divorce your wife if you found out your son was fathered by this other man?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Landgaber, sorry to see you on the horns of a dilemma. I would think that rather than get involved in something which may be illegal, it may be better to consult a lawyer who would give you the correct legal position. After that it would be up to you to proceed which ever way you wanted to.

As others have said, if you are certain that your wife cheated and your son is not biologically yours then you can file for divorce using incompatibility or some other generic clause to do so. People are divorcing all the time and it is not a big deal anymore. It is sad but it is a fact. Cheating on one's spouse is a clear sign of disrespect for the spouse and for the relationship. In exceptional circumstances one may consider reconciliation but in most cases there are no mitigating circumstances and cheating is just a case of poor boundaries. A cheater is also, in my opinion, a coward because if he or she felt so strongly that their spouse had done them wrong and that they did not love them anymore then they should have had the courage to tell them that fact and proceed to divorce them. To go behind their backs in a sneaky manner and cheat on them to get their so called emotional and physical needs met, is downright criminal.

To come to the point, be safe legally, in what you do but be proactive about your decision to divorce your wife if that is what you want to do. If you are not prepared to divorce her after being convinced that she has cheated( as you already seem to be) then do not do anything further as it will only sour things further in your relationship and get you nothing in return. Warm regards.

[Landgaber]

On 9/23/2021 at 5:46 AM, elaine567 said:

Your son is an adult.
Testing him without his consent is sneaky and disingenuous. It may ruin your relationship whether he is found to be your biological son or not.

So you find out he is NOT your biological son... what then?
Are you going to disown him?
He may decide to disown you whether you want that or not and go seek out his real father.
If it is the guy you think it is, then he is obviously interested as he has been  hanging around for years in the background.
How would that make you feel? Father and son reunited with you a nobody...

We can all sit here, encouraging you to get at the "real truth" as it is always kind of satisfying to tie up loose ends, and some to be honest just love causing chaos in other people's lives, especially when infidelity or potential  infidelity is involved.
But WE can all go back to our own lives with our own families, you alone will have to deal with the fall out of this.

If you think anything other than my consideration toward doing this is for HIM, then you need to reconsider your stance what it means to do the right thing.  This isn't revenge against my wife...this is me feeling sorry for myself.  What this is about is a boy and potentially another man deserving to know each other if this is true. Not 1 thing would change between he and I as a father figure, however there seem to be some out there, mostly those who could never doubt the maternity/paternity, who can somehow drive a car from the backseat.  This rips my heart to pieces.  You think I want this?  Get your head around the fact that the boy has rights.  He deserves to know truths.  He deserves to be able to make the choice to get to know him or not.  How would it make me feel?  I'd be decimated if I were cut out of the picture....but it isn't about me.  I'd die for either of my children regardless of this situation.  and you so what then?   How the hell should I know.  This is one of the most difficult things I've ever faced, but here is a question....what if he isn't mine...what then?

[Landgaber]

That should have read....."this isn't me feeling sorry for myself".  To expand...i feel guilty knowing the possibility is high that he isn't mine, that this man is still hanging around, that his mother is nervous, acting irrationally (frankly her reaction was a dead giveaway,)  and I suspect heavily.  The fact is, he may be a boy now, but he will grow up and have his own family one day.  He deserves to know such truths.  Doing the right thing in this case sucks, but...considering all I just wrote, if I didn't.....what then?  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Landgaber said:

. Not 1 thing would change between he and I as a father figure.

I disagree. It would change the his world significantly. 

Even your insinuation will make him question his life. And question who you are.

Why not address the real issue of this old flame hanging around your wife?

[mark clemson]

@Landgaber there's no reason to push back so hard on well-intentioned posters. You clearly want to do right by the son, but keep in mind we see posts here where the person seems to have ZERO interest in doing anything except disowning the kid(s) if they turn out not to be theirs. So, a very different attitude from yours.

At any rate, the question that you yourself asked is the one that remains. If he isn't yours - what then? No one can tell you what that answer SHOULD be (other than to give their own opinions) - but it's exactly that question you should have figured out for yourself if you're going to move forward with this.

[Snow_Queen]

I think you should let this be. Unless your son has suspicions himself (and brings this to your attention), you would be opening a can of worms. I have some very unique features myself that no other family member has. People assume I’m of another race and other family members joke about me being from the mailman.

Although I have wondered at times, I already have a family. I’d rather continue living my life without having such an unnecessary disruption. Your son would probably feel the same given there’s no indication he has concerns over his DNA. I agree this seems like it’s all about your wife’s “friend” and less about doing what’s right for your son.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

I think you should let this be. Unless your son has suspicions himself (and brings this to your attention), you would be opening a can of worms. 

Agree. It's a lose-lose situation. If he is, in the very remote chance not your son, you'll turn his world upside-down. 

If you tell him this wild story about the old flame and his mother and he is biologically your son, he'll think you're paranoid, trying to smear his mother and that will also damage your relationship with him.

So damage-damage.

And being too cowardly to address your wife directly about this guy hanging around still won't solve your real problem.

Edited September 29, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Bryanp]

Your son need to know about his biological father at least for health reasons alone.

It would be irresponsible not to let him know that there could be genetic issues

that he may need and should be aware of now and in the future as well. It seems

obvious to me. 

[Caauug]

On 9/29/2021 at 9:39 AM, Landgaber said:

What this is about is a boy and potentially another man deserving to know each other if this is true.

 He deserves to know truths.  He deserves to be able to make the choice to get to know him or not.

I agree, your son needs to know the truth.

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not address the real issue of this old flame hanging around your wife?

This also needs to be addressed. How ever you look at it, 3 is a crowd, unless you like crowds in your marriage. Some guys are into that...

Paternity Fraud should be a crime. OP, you now know first hand what it is like being on the receiving end of this crime. You have spent tens of thousands of your hard earned money bring up this child. you have nurtured and loved him as his own. You may be willing to forgive the deception that your wife has done to you. How can you now not give your son one of the best lessons with the closest examples of this crime a miss? OP teach your son the best way possible, teach him the truth so he knows what may also be done to him. 

[Bittersweetie]

I can speak to this situation, I was an innocent victim of lies. A genetic DNA test brought out family information that had been held from me my whole life. I'm someone in my late 40s who has done a lot of therapy and self-reflection, and even still this bombshell was incredibly difficult to process. It literally came out of left field for me. I'm still not past it, 2+ years later. I definitely would have rather known the truth earlier...but my parents didn't want to have a hard conversation, and I, the innocent party, paid the price of them sweeping things under the rug for decades. I would not suggest that path, as hard as it may be to share the truth. I'm sorry.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Bittersweetie