Can we push reset?

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So we exchanged a bit on text last night. He's working nights this week. The conversation lead to me saying I like to be 'romanced' I don't like raw language. He said he doesn't understand me and to please tell him what it is that I like then, he asked if I was shy or reserved that I always reject his expression of attraction. So one thing lead to another and he said he has a fear to fall for a woman that's sexually uptight and I said it's alright we all have fears, my fear is to fall for a man that only sees in me ass and boobs.

So he says stuff you don't connect with (at least not at this stage) and then flips the script on you, as if YOU are the problem.

 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He's not coarsening you,
He is coarse.

OH lol. Sometimes he reminds me on my ex-husband. They both work in the same field, years of working in a male only environment, have a hard time censuring themselves.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So he says stuff you don't connect with (at least not at this stage) and then flips the script on you, as if YOU are the problem.

 

I am  not defending him here but he's not flipping it on me as if I am the problem, he's expressed the desire to understand me and if I don't like that then what do I like. He did not tell me I am shy and reserved, he asked if I was, he asked I be clearer with him.

[clia]

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So we exchanged a bit on text last night. He's working nights this week. The conversation lead to me saying I like to be 'romanced' I don't like raw language. He said he doesn't understand me and to please tell him what it is that I like then, he asked if I was shy or reserved that I always reject his expression of attraction. So one thing lead to another and he said he has a fear to fall for a woman that's sexually uptight and I said it's alright we all have fears, my fear is to fall for a man that only sees in me ass and boobs.

You told him what you like -- that you want to be romanced and don't like raw language.  I don't blame you.  I found the examples of what he said to you to be very crass, especially considering that he didn't even know you.  Personally, I would've been totally turned off and would've nexted him.  But that's what I find troubling about his behavior.  He doesn't even seem to understand why you might be turned off by a man who is a total stranger talking to you like that, and automatically seems to jump to the conclusion that it might mean you are reserved, shy, sexually uptight, etc.  There's a time and a place, and he doesn't seem to get it.  Be wary.

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So he says stuff you don't connect with (at least not at this stage) and then flips the script on you, as if YOU are the problem.

 

No, he was sharing a fear (falling for an sexually 'uptight' woman like his ex), in turn Gaeta shared her fear (falling for a man who sees her as only ass and boobs which is equally insulting to him).

Gaeta, this is too much turmoil and drama for only one meet, and I'm back to what I said originally-- you are not compatible.  

You are not on the same wavelength.  You enjoy being romanced, he enjoys unabashed raw sexual banter and sex.

He doesn't understand your need nor do you understand his.

Which is OK, it only means you are NOT compatible.

But perhaps that's the appeal?  You have admitted you are drawn to "project" men; well HE may not be a project (you said he has his act together financially, etc) but the situation IS a project.

Something that needs to be "fixed."  A challenge. 

Is that the appeal for you?  Not judging, just asking. 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[introverted1]

25 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

So he says stuff you don't connect with (at least not at this stage) and then flips the script on you, as if YOU are the problem.

 

 

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am  not defending him here but he's not flipping it on me as if I am the problem, he's expressed the desire to understand me and if I don't like that then what do I like. He did not tell me I am shy and reserved, he asked if I was, he asked I be clearer with him.

Respectfully, I disagree. The pattern seems to be that he says something crude, you pull back, then he says he is afraid of being with someone shy/reserved.  It may be indirect, but yes he's flipping the script on you.  Rather than address his own lack of good manners, he says things that make you feel you have to defend/demonstrate that you are indeed interested in sex, etc. 

And yes, I get that he doesn't want to get involved with a woman like his ex, who was (supposedly) frigid and disinterested, but that doesn't make it ok to talk as he does.  I assume you don't want to get involved with a man who would cheat on you but I doubt you are s*** testing him about his fidelity.  We have all experienced things with a past partner that we don't want to repeat with a future partner but that doesn't mean the unspoken rules of courtship should be ignored in favor of bull-dozing a new prospect with our deal-breakers.

ETA: Also, if he wants to understand you, then he knows (or should know) that the way to do so is by spending time with you and letting things unfold organically.  I am sure there are lots of things you want to know about him, too, but the way to learn most things is through time and observation, not endless pushing of boundaries.

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by introverted1
added paragraph

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OH lol. Sometimes he reminds me on my ex-husband. They both work in the same field, years of working in a male only environment, have a hard time censuring themselves.

Ok so this is the kind of a man you are attracted to.
His  "crassness" is a bit of a turn on?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No, he was sharing a fear (falling for an sexually 'uptight' woman like his ex), in turn Gaeta shared her fear (falling for a man who sees her as only ass and boobs).

Gaeta, this is too much turmoil for only one meet, and I'm back to what I said originally-- you are not compatible.  

You are not on the same wavelength.

But perhaps that's the appeal?  You have admitted you are drawn to "project" men; well HE may not be a project (you said he has his act together financially, etc) but the situation IS a project.

Something that needs to be "fixed."  A challenge. 

Is that the appeal for you?  Not judging, just asking. 

 

Darn!! that's a good point about he might be another project 

I was discussing this with a male friend and when I mentioned that this guy is a Leo he said they're usually Alpha Males.....and that type of personality doesn't usually mesh with me. 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, clia said:

You told him what you like -- that you want to be romanced and don't like raw language. 

But * I like to be romanced * was too vague to him and he asked that I clarify what that means. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so this is the kind of a man you are attracted to.
His  "crassness" is a bit of a turn on?

Absolutely not. My ex-husband and I often hit heads because I don't like raw language. 

[elaine567]

 

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely not. My ex-husband and I often hit heads because I don't like raw language. 

So why are you rushing headlong towards this guy?
He is as subtle as a brick.

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, do you really want a man who has to be told to 'romance' you?  What purpose would that serve? 

IF he complied, it would be contrived and disingenuous.

That's not who he IS.  Not all men are, not all women are! 

Many woman would welcome his raw direct sexual style, appreciate his sexual attraction and desire and his ability to verbalize it unabashedly, without shame. 

You are not that woman, which is again OK!!

I wish folks would stop judging, criticizing and vilifying him for HIS style, just cause they find it course or crude. 

Yes Leo's are direct!  They are bold and confident.  They are extremely sexual.  And yes 'alpha' although I dislike such labels. 

Bottom line, he should not have to change to suit your needs nor should you have to change to suit his.

When this happens so early in, you leave to find more mutually 'suitable' partners.  Same wavelength.

But it's your call!  There is something drawing you to him (and vice versa), so go on that second date and play this out.

You might be surprised!  In a good way.  Have fun! 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes Leo's are direct!  They are bold and confident.  They are extremely sexual.  And yes 'alpha' although I dislike such labels. 

Bolded: I like that a lot. And like I mentioned in an earlier post, when we were together there was something about him that made me feel safe. I have 0 alarm that he's not serious, he's playing me, has a hidden agenda....0 ! It's a matter of personalities. 

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 

So why are you rushing headlong towards this guy?
He is as subtle as a brick.

I'm not rushing toward him. 

I'm trying to think outside the box as my usual type of man has not brought me anything tangible so far. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not rushing toward him. 

I'm trying to think outside the box as my usual type of man has not brought me anything tangible so far. 

This is positive! 

I mean take Romeo for example. HE "romanced" you up the yin/yang and he turned out to be phony, disingenuous, he was a complete fraud!  

Your ex also romanced you and as it turned out, he was a cheater and sex addict. 

This is why personally I dislike all that 'romance' I find it contrived and phony.

Give me REAL. The real man.  Give me direct.  Give me bold. Even a bit crass if that's his style.  

Give me a man who doesn't give a rat's arse about how men are 'supposed' to behave - wining, dining, flowers. 

It's so phony to me, and I don't trust it!  

But that's me, you are you.

And I for one am glad you are thinking outside the proverbial box, and hope it works out for you! 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, call me crazy but I have figured out what draws you to him and this situation.  Possibly. 

Two words- sexual tension.   All this turmoil and drama = sexual tension.  

Which is powerful!  

That's the glue.  Not "romance" wining and dining or even compliments.

It's sexual tension. 

I am envisioning a scenario between you that involves some arguing about your different natures and styles and ending with clothes coming off and raw hot powerful sex. 

I may be wrong but this is where my mind is going.  My sense from reading this thread. 

You and he are both grown mature adults, 55 and 60 respectively.

Play it out. 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[salparadise]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

JMO, but his job is not to acquiesce to your needs or what's comfortable for you...

Now that's a radical departure! Careful poppy, you could upset the cart with thoughts like that. Seems the general assumption is that's exactly what men should do.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

No, he was sharing a fear (falling for an sexually 'uptight' woman like his ex), in turn Gaeta shared her fear (falling for a man who sees her as only ass and boobs which is equally insulting to him).

Texting "I want to slap your ass, I love your breasts, ass, face, I can't wait to do it with you" is sharing a fear? 

That's rich.

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Texting "I want to slap your ass, I love your breasts, ass, face, I can't wait to do it with you" is sharing a fear? 

That's rich.

No that wasn't him sharing a fear.  That was him expressing his sexual attraction and desire.

THIS was him sharing his fear and Gaeta sharing her fear (from an earlier post):

>>He said he doesn't understand me and to please tell him what it is that I like then, he asked if I was shy or reserved that I always reject his expression of attraction. So one thing lead to another and he said he has a fear to fall for a woman that's sexually uptight and I said it's alright we all have fears, my fear is to fall for a man that only sees in me ass and boobs.>>

My goodness, cannot two people communicate with each other re their likes and dislikes, fears or whatever, openly and honestly, without one (typically the man) being ripped to shreds and made out to be some sort of sexual predator?

They have different styles, that is all this is.  I get many of you find him crass and maybe even gross and that's fine, you are not the one dating him, Gaeta is and SHE is open to a new and different style from her previous, which I find admirable.

If it doesn't work out, so be, at least she was open enough to try.

Good luck Gaeta!!

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am  not defending him here but he's not flipping it on me as if I am the problem, he's expressed the desire to understand me and if I don't like that then what do I like. He did not tell me I am shy and reserved, he asked if I was, he asked I be clearer with him.

Which you've expressed.

On more than one occasion.

I understand that he doesn't want a "sexually uptight" woman, but I'm not sure why not being open to explicit sex talk right away translates to being "sexually uptight." If he prefers a woman who is more sexually free early on, there are plenty of such available, so why hasn't he found her?

He can skip all the getting to know you part and go straight in for the main course.

This is how many couples begin.

You did suggest, though, that you don't feel the urge to be now in a relationship.

So, I'm guessing there'll be a second date?

[ExpatInItaly]

This thread is starting to completely over-complicate and over-analyze a simple matter:

The guy likes sexy talk early on. 

Gaeta doesn’t like sexy talk early on.

Their boundaries are different. 

If it’s unfair to vilify him as crass, it’s equally unfair to vilify Gaeta as uptight. 

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

Along the same lines as @Alpaca... You go out on dates, get to know one another, do fun things together and the relationship progresses into being sexual.  At that point, if two people are not sexually compatible, then you break up and move on.

I'm seeing a guy that wants to make sure he is going to his sexual needs satisfied before he spends resources (time and money) on getting to know the woman. 

That is not how it works... in life you roll the dice.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Along the same lines as @Alpaca... You go out on dates, get to know one another, do fun things together and the relationship progresses into being sexual.  At that point, if two people are not sexually compatible, then you break up and move on.

I'm seeing a guy that wants to make sure he is going to his sexual needs satisfied before he spends resources (time and money) on getting to know the woman. 

That is not how it works... in life you roll the dice.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. 

Okay but what about all the vetting Gaeta (admittedly) does and other women do, even before the first meet?  

1.  Are you seeking a serious relationship?  (Main question)

2.  What do you do for a living?

3.  What is your living situation?

4.  Do you have children?

Otherwise known as "qualifying" questions, which I personally DON'T ask, I'm with you, in life you roll the dice and discover things as you go along.

But many women (people) do ask so would the same "rule" (the do not ask rule), apply?

Or is it okay for women to ask those questions but NOT okay for a man to want to know how a women feels about sex?

What's the dirty little secret about sex that no one bothered to tell me, that we should keep it 'hush hush'?  Don't ask, don't talk about, etc.

I am obviously missing something.  

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not rushing toward him. 

I'm trying to think outside the box as my usual type of man has not brought me anything tangible so far. 

You say he is similar to your ex husband whose "raw language" you didn't like, so are you trying to date the familiar as it makes you feel more secure maybe?

[Pumpernickel]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What's the dirty little secret about sex that no one bothered to tell me, that we should keep it 'hush hush'?  Don't ask, don't talk about, etc.

I am obviously missing something.  

Not "hush-hush" at all. This is not at all about sex being a taboo or women needing to be more liberated or free-spirited etc. But everything has its place and time. Talking about her derriere and how he wants to slap it – I would find that disrespectful during the early stages of dating. That's all.   

@Gaeta obvs found that disrespectful as well. At least it made her uncomfortable enough to block him the first time around. And understandably so..... 

In addition to "disrespectful" and "uncomfortable" ----> The guy was told that these comments were too much, uncalled for, inappropriate, a turnoff, etc. She told him. He knows it. He won't stop. He is SIXTY. Not SIXTEEN. This behavior reminds me of desperation, of a toddler who is defiant and stubborn. A whiner. Somebody who has low impulse control. He won't get his way. So he keeps trying until he "breaks her". No matter what. Basically everything I don't want in a man. Being relentless may be an attractive "alpha" trait in a biz environment. Everywhere else, it reeks of desperation.     

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Pumpernickel