Met this guy online but he is still married

[basil67]

Chiming in late...   I'm female but have the same history as @central.  When I left my ex-h, there was no way I was going to return.   And I was only two months separated when I met my second husband - we've been together for 30 years now.

That said, there are no guarantees and it IS a high risk situation.   I think it's great that you're giving it a chance, but do keep your feet on the ground and watch for red flags.

 

6 hours ago, sallynow said:

That's funny, I don't see things that way. I believe there is the right person for you at the right time, so if I don't stay with him and he finds someone else, is because we were not meant to be.

I think you agree without realising it.  If you were to stop seeing him because of his circumstance, then it's not meant to be.  And he will move on because of that.    

 

[sallynow]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Chiming in late...   I'm female but have the same history as @central.  When I left my ex-h, there was no way I was going to return.   And I was only two months separated when I met my second husband - we've been together for 30 years now.

That said, there are no guarantees and it IS a high risk situation.   I think it's great that you're giving it a chance, but do keep your feet on the ground and watch for red flags.

 

I think you agree without realising it.  If you were to stop seeing him because of his circumstance, then it's not meant to be.  And he will move on because of that.    

 

Thank you! Yes it can be both ways, he can turn out to be the love of my life or go back to the ex after a month, or even after a few dates I realise we are not compatible. You never know.

A few months ago I went on 3 dates with a guy who would talk non stop about a girlfriend he had 12 years ago! He was clearly not over her, so sometimes things are not that black and white.

I’ll see him again and play it by ear. Hopefully on a second date we’ll talk more personal stuff so I get more info without sounding nozy or fishing for info.

Edited September 17, 2021 by sallynow

[basil67]

Sounds like you have a solid approach.  Good luck!

[IrinaM]

If he were really a good guy, he would not be on a dating app while still married, separated, and living with this mom. He would be sorting out his life before he gets involved with a woman, if he were a decent dude. He seems incredibly selfish and self-centered, and if you continue to become emotionally attached to him it is at your own peril.

[central]

46 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

If he were really a good guy, he would not be on a dating app while still married, separated, and living with this mom. He would be sorting out his life before he gets involved with a woman, if he were a decent dude. He seems incredibly selfish and self-centered, and if you continue to become emotionally attached to him it is at your own peril.

I think you're being overly harsh.  What if the marriage had essentially been over a long time, so he could be very ready to move on and date?  That was my case, for example.  I didn't want to waste any more time before seeking a healthy relationship, which I'd been deprived of for so long.

[glows]

2 hours ago, sallynow said:

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I’ve decided to go on a second date with him next week and the reason for that is because I am divorced too (divorced years ago), and by the time I separated from my ex husband I was already over him and the relationship, things were amicable and I started dating afterwards.

So I know that separations are not always messy and problematic.

Actually after my divorce I had another 1 year relationship that ended a couple years ago that ended badly. We never married but it took me more time to heal and get over it than my 9 year marriage!

He also mentioned he and his ex are separating in an amicable way.

I really liked him so I’ll give a chance for a second date and also try to know more info about his separation.

I also have a date with a different guy this Sunday, so I’m not just focusing on him.

Of course. No one can tell you what or what you cannot do and everyone's opinion is equally subjective. We can only share experiences and possible issues or scenarios that might come up. What you determine for yourself is up to you. As long as you're very aware of what you're walking into and remain observant while dating, it's all part of the process of meeting and seeing new people. Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, sallynow said:

He is now living with his mom temporarily until he sorts out his life.

It's good you have other dates lined up and are not focusing solely on this man.

What he means by this statement is he is still living with his wife. Just staying at mom's for now.

Take note he does not have his own place. His place is living with his wife. (She's not his "ex")

Dating is not about sharing war stories about divorces and failed relationships.

That puts the focus on third parties and avoids actually getting to know each other.

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, sallynow said:

Other things he mentioned: It is the second time he ended things with this woman. First time was many years ago, they got back together after 3 years, got married, had a child and now separared again.

It seems to be attempting to construct a house on very shaky ground. The volatility of their prior history alone is cause for alarm. As long as you have two feet on the ground, because it seems like a rocky ride.

On the other hand, he might make an exception for someone he's only met once, and he'll eventually pledge to divorce her on your behalf.

[Blind-Sided]

13 hours ago, sallynow said:

I’ve decided to go on a second date with him next week and the reason for that is because I am divorced too (divorced years ago), and by the time I separated from my ex husband I was already over him and the relationship, things were amicable and I started dating afterwards.

I kind of agree.  If he was nice... if nothing else... just get out of the house.  But... just be aware that you can 1) Be a rebound. 2) You will have to deal with his emotional baggage. 3) May be dumped if he decides to go back to his wife and kid. 

So... look at this as a friendship at first... and not a romantic partner. (until the paperwork is actually filed)  You may actually want to tall him that. 

Edited September 18, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[sallynow]

39 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

I kind of agree.  If he was nice... if nothing else... just get out of the house.  But... just be aware that you can 1) Be a rebound. 2) You will have to deal with his emotional baggage. 3) May be dumped if he decides to go back to his wife and kid. 

So... look at this as a friendship at first... and not a romantic partner. (until the paperwork is actually filed)  You may actually want to tall him that. 

My goal on this second date is to get more info about his situation and then take a decision. 

If I feel he is not serious about the separation, haven’t filled for divorce or doesn’t have intentions to do so in the near future (like, tomorrow), there’s nothing, no friendship, nothing.

I’ll tell him please contact me when you are divorced or have filled for divorce, until then, is no contact.

He pursues his interests as in start dating again so soon, and I pursue my well-being. 

[smackie9]

He's a total stranger. He can tell you everything you want to hear. It's a crap shoot.

[glows]

2 hours ago, sallynow said:

My goal on this second date is to get more info about his situation and then take a decision. 

If I feel he is not serious about the separation, haven’t filled for divorce or doesn’t have intentions to do so in the near future (like, tomorrow), there’s nothing, no friendship, nothing.

I’ll tell him please contact me when you are divorced or have filled for divorce, until then, is no contact.

He pursues his interests as in start dating again so soon, and I pursue my well-being. 

Are you aware however that the likelihood he's feeling vulnerable and not in the right state of mind will prompt him to say things that are not accurate? That is the gray area. You're evaluating someone based on their response to you and placing weight on what he says, trusting that there's perfect sense in it or trusting that he is in the same place mentally or emotionally that you are. You should be aware that not everyone is at that point or self-aware. It is also not a slight against his person but in recognition of the circumstances.

[sallynow]

19 hours ago, glows said:

Are you aware however that the likelihood he's feeling vulnerable and not in the right state of mind will prompt him to say things that are not accurate? That is the gray area. You're evaluating someone based on their response to you and placing weight on what he says, trusting that there's perfect sense in it or trusting that he is in the same place mentally or emotionally that you are. You should be aware that not everyone is at that point or self-aware. It is also not a slight against his person but in recognition of the circumstances.

I am aware of a lot of things, but I do not want to make assumptions without giving the guy a chance.

I am divorced too, and I started dating after I separated as well. My separation (and then divorce) was easy and smooth, no issues or problems or anything heavy to have to heal. Me and my ex were always amicable and I felt ready to date and move on soon after. But between us there were no issues of cheating, or anything like that. We just took the decision together to move on.

Having said that, I am aware that not all separations and divorces are that easy, and some have heavy issues and people with fragile mental states, or even not sure if they really want to divorce.

That is why I am going on a second date with this guy (just a coffee at day time), and try to get more info about it, because on our first date the conversation was more light and superficial as it should be. And then take my decision.

Edited September 19, 2021 by sallynow

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/17/2021 at 10:16 PM, poppyfields said:

Also, hopefully he was standing on his own two feet even while IN the marriage/relationship. 

I was actually referring to the fact that he is living with his mother. 

No judgement if one needs a place to stay while sorting out logistics and has taken a financial blow - I can understand that. I simply would not be eager to date a man in this position who is not living independently again yet and would have Mom around all the time. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Have not read through all the posts yet but big no way. Two big red flags

1. He is only split up 1 month?

2. He is not divorced 

when I was doing OLD anyone not divorced would get a hard pass. I would send them a nice good luck message back and not waste another minute.

Why you ask?  Because they are not serious relationship material.

 

 

[Gaeta]

There is nothing to assess. He's one month out of a relationship, not a dating relationship but a family/relationship. I don't care how long he felt out of love he's still 1 month out of an important relationship with the mother of his child. 

Now, instead of taking care of business, looking for a place, settling down, he's on a dating site?? What grown woman would date a man that lives at his 'mama'  because he's 4 weeks out of a common-law relationship. This guy is on fragile ground on every facet of his life. 

IMPORTANT: he said they're seperating amicably so why he's living at his  mother? His ex did not throw him out so why didn't he look for an apartment? Him being at his mother tells me it's not completely over between them, or he hopes it's not completely over and he expects she'll come back crawling.....so he stays at mom ready to move back in. 

His presence on a dating site indicates to me he can't be alone, not even a few months to get his stuff in order. He's got to have a woman right here right now to fill the void. 

Don't be that woman. This guy can tell you all he wants he's over this relationship *you know better*. This man doesn't even know he's lying to himself. 

Edited September 19, 2021 by Gaeta

[sallynow]

On 9/19/2021 at 6:29 PM, Gaeta said:

There is nothing to assess. He's one month out of a relationship, not a dating relationship but a family/relationship. I don't care how long he felt out of love he's still 1 month out of an important relationship with the mother of his child. 

Now, instead of taking care of business, looking for a place, settling down, he's on a dating site?? What grown woman would date a man that lives at his 'mama'  because he's 4 weeks out of a common-law relationship. This guy is on fragile ground on every facet of his life. 

IMPORTANT: he said they're seperating amicably so why he's living at his  mother? His ex did not throw him out so why didn't he look for an apartment? Him being at his mother tells me it's not completely over between them, or he hopes it's not completely over and he expects she'll come back crawling.....so he stays at mom ready to move back in. 

His presence on a dating site indicates to me he can't be alone, not even a few months to get his stuff in order. He's got to have a woman right here right now to fill the void. 

Don't be that woman. This guy can tell you all he wants he's over this relationship *you know better*. This man doesn't even know he's lying to himself. 

I totally agree with you and just want to give an update to all you guys about this.

This guy turned out to be worse than I thought.

So I decided to give him a chance and went on another date with him. The date was nice, normal conversation and stuff. At the end of the date at the car park he wanted to kiss me goodbye, but there were lots of people around, and a guy in his car waiting for me to leave so he could park, so we just said normal goodbye.

Then later on he sends me a message asking if I enjoyed our date and saying he wanted to kiss me goodbye but the situation wasn't the best for that. I responded saying I enjoyed the date and agree with him. He then said he really wanted to kiss me and I responded that would have been nice.

So then he asks me "can I drive and meet you now, and you just go in my car so we can have a kissing session?" I said no, is late now. And didn't like his suggestion at this point, but he was starting to reveal himself.

Then he asks me when can I meet again and I said possibly Friday but will have to confirm. Then he says he can pick me up in his car on Friday night and take me somewhere (devil emoji). I asked where he wants to take me, and he said "you would have to wait and see", and "I am going to abuse you and you are going to let me, although I won't do anything against your will". 

I decided to play along and see further how he is, so I asked him "Oh you think I am letting you do what you want?", and he responded "of course you will, but if you say no I'll stop", and "I just want to put my hands all over you".

I didn't respond anything more about this and just said good night. This was on Tuesday and I haven't heard from him again. Probably didn't get the reply he wanted from me, so just gave up.

So yes this guy just wants sex and nothing else, and revealed to be nothing but a dog. How quickly him talking about a goodbye kiss escalated into talking about having sex in his car!

I understand a guy can try for sex, but this was very disrespectful and can even be considered sexual harassment, he was basicallty treating me like a prostitute, saying he will pick me up in his car and take me somewhere to have sex. He's probably not separated and is all a lie.

I'm glad I saw his true colours and I'm just disgusted at this point. 

Edited September 23, 2021 by sallynow

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, sallynow said:

talking about having sex in his car!

And you'd likely have been signing up for a lot more of that, given that he lives with his Mom and therefore would have little privacy at home. 

43 minutes ago, sallynow said:

"I am going to abuse you and you are going to let me, although I won't do anything against your will".

That would have creeped me right out. Conversation would have gone no further. Next. 

[stillafool]

He's going to go back to his wife - again. He was just looking for replacement sex while separated.