Met this guy online but he is still married

[sallynow]

Met this guy on a dating app, we exchanged a few messages and he asked me out.

Our date was nice, but he informed me that he separared only one month ago, and is still married. My whole body cringed when he told me that because dating married men is not my thing at all.

At the end of the date he told me he would like to see me again, and then sent me a message asking me out again. I haven't responded yet because I am deciding what to do. I really liked him but this situation with his status makes me unconfortable.

Other things he mentioned: It is the second time he ended things with this woman. First time was many years ago, they got back together after 3 years, got married, had a child and now separared again. I asked him if 3 times is a charm, and he said no this time is for good. He said they even had a conversation with his son they were separating,

He is now living with his mom temporarily until he sorts out his life.

If he didn't have this situation I would meet him again, but like this I am not sure about the risks. What if he is lying and is still married and living with his wife? Or what if he is telling the truth but they only had a fight and will get back together? Or I am just a rebound?

I'm not sure if I want to take that risk. I don't even know if he has filled for divorce already. 

So I'm deciding between going on another date with him and try to access the situation further, or just telling him straight his married status doesn't make me feel comfortable and so please contact me again when he is divorced (or at least filled for divorce). I think that a serious man would understand.

What do you think?

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by sallynow

[d0nnivain]

Dating a separated person who is not yet divorced means you go through the emotions of the divorce with them.  It's a roller coaster & you have zero control.  You also have to recognize that you are probably a rebound.  I don't think this guy is firmly on the path to being divorced legally or emotionally yet.  I'd take a pass  

[central]

I was newly separated and actively dating, so I was in this guy's position once upon a time.  And it took over a year to file for divorce.  I did have my own place, and I wasn't going back to my ex under any circumstances - it was a long, hard road getting away from her!  Anyway, if you like him, see him again.  And ask him face to face to confirm he's moved out and to assess why he left and if he'd go back and under what circumstances.  You can decide then whether or not to continue seeing him at all, or maybe keep it casual at least until his situation is stabilized.

BTW, I met my wife shortly after I separated from my ex.  She stuck with me through the whole divorce process, and we are happily still together almost 22 years later.  Your results may vary, of course.  I always took the view that if you risk nothing, you gain nothing - just do so with your eyes open.

[smackie9]

I say no, he's still a little fresh out of a marriage.

[sallynow]

11 minutes ago, central said:

I was newly separated and actively dating, so I was in this guy's position once upon a time.  And it took over a year to file for divorce.  I did have my own place, and I wasn't going back to my ex under any circumstances - it was a long, hard road getting away from her!  Anyway, if you like him, see him again.  And ask him face to face to confirm he's moved out and to assess why he left and if he'd go back and under what circumstances.  You can decide then whether or not to continue seeing him at all, or maybe keep it casual at least until his situation is stabilized.

BTW, I met my wife shortly after I separated from my ex.  She stuck with me through the whole divorce process, and we are happily still together almost 22 years later.  Your results may vary, of course.  I always took the view that if you risk nothing, you gain nothing - just do so with your eyes open.

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

I don't think I need to stay with a man in a situation that doesn't make feel good (although I would love to see him again).

Edited September 17, 2021 by sallynow

[central]

Just now, sallynow said:

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

That is certainly an option.  But if he is that good a man, he'll probably find someone else who's great, but without your reservations.  However, if you're uncomfortable, you should certainly go with that.  Plenty of women would not date me given my circumstances and I fully understood that, but plenty of others did - I had no difficulty meeting wonderful women

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, sallynow said:

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

I don't think I need to stay with a man in a situation that doesn't make feel good...

@sallynowI hope this doesn't come off as rude, but if you are uncomfortable about it, since you are uncomfortable about it, why even come here asking?  

When you do, it's inevitable you will receive responses like @centralwhich was HIS experience.

You don't need our permission or anyone else's, do what is right and comfortable for you and learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[sallynow]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@sallynowI hope this doesn't come off as rude, but if you are uncomfortable about it, since you are uncomfortable about it, why even come here asking?  

When you do, it's inevitable you will receive responses like @centralwhich was HIS experience.

You don't need our permission or anyone else's, do what is right and comfortable for you and learn to trust your own instincts and judgments. 

 

I didn't come here asking for permission, I came here to ask for your opinions about this issue in a general sense since I am confused. I feel uncomfortable but I also really liked him.

Edited September 17, 2021 by sallynow

[sallynow]

9 minutes ago, central said:

That is certainly an option.  But if he is that good a man, he'll probably find someone else who's great, but without your reservations.  However, if you're uncomfortable, you should certainly go with that.  Plenty of women would not date me given my circumstances and I fully understood that, but plenty of others did - I had no difficulty meeting wonderful women

That's funny, I don't see things that way. I believe there is the right person for you at the right time, so if I don't stay with him and he finds someone else, is because we were not meant to be.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, sallynow said:

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

I don't think I need to stay with a man in a situation that doesn't make feel good (although I would love to see him again).

 

49 minutes ago, sallynow said:

That's funny, I don't see things that way. I believe there is the right person for you at the right time, so if I don't stay with him and he finds someone else, is because we were not meant to be.

You seem pretty set in your opinions. What are you looking for here?  You said above that you are confused, but your comments seem pretty firmly entrenched. ,Why not just do what you've said:  tell him you don't want to date until he's divorced.

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, sallynow said:

I didn't come here asking for permission, I came here to ask for your opinions...

Same thing, you're seeking advice (permission, opinions) whether or not to take a risk. 

There are always risks, even with dating a single man, there are risks!

No guarantees, ever.

If you get hurt, so be, you learn and grow from the experience. 

If me, and I really liked him, felt a connection, I'd go for it. I'd take the risk. 

There, I just gave you permission to follow your heart. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Same thing, you're seeking advice (permission, opinions) whether or not to take a risk. 

There are always risks, even with dating a single man, there are risks!

No guarantees, ever.

If you get hurt, so be, you learn and grow from the experience. 

If me, and I really liked him, felt a connection, I'd go for it. I'd take the risk. 

There, I just gave you permission to follow your heart. 

Unless of course you are still uncomfortable which goes back to my point. 

You are going to do what YOU want to do regardless of what we say so asking is pointless. 

But good luck whatever you decide. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

This is generally not a good idea. Trust your instincts on this and if you have reservations don't go through with it. 

He has a child as well with his ex which is a host of other issues such as working out shared custody and being a partner to someone who hasn't established those things with his ex or visitation. Do you know why they are separated? What are his views on divorce? He may not even want to divorce his ex-wife. 

He's living with his mother which implies he doesn't have his own set up. He is not even 1% on his way to independence or learning to cut away from his previous marriage. Be wary that any issues he has from his marriage may be transferred to you.

The signs to look for are generally lovebombing and moving too quickly, making grandiose promises and talking about commitment or a life together too early. These are all signs of a rebound or someone who isn't pacing himself because he's not in a stable frame of mind. 

The lines to look out for are "my ex and I have been roommates for awhile" or "we haven't had any intimacy and are just there for the child", along those lines. They all support the claim that he's been emotionally and mentally separated from his wife and emotionally divorced for awhile but that cannot be further from the truth as there are emotions, sometimes even deep regret, resentment and anger under the surface. 

If you proceed, do so with awareness and don't get involved too quickly or too seriously. 

 

[Alpacalia]

I think your instinct is correct, that it may not be the best time to entertain dating someone still in throws of a separation.

It's only been one date, and there are plenty of single men available who aren't in the early stages of a divorce.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Alpaca

[ExpatInItaly]

I personally would not date someone who is that fresh out of a long-term relationship/marriage.

I would not be keen to ride through the inevitable ups and downs that come with the separation and learning to stand on their own two feet. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would not be keen to ride through the inevitable ups and downs that come with the separation and learning to stand on their own two feet. 

Ideally, the person would be dealing with those ups and downs on their own or with the help of family, good long term friends or a therapist.  I always did when entering into a new dating situation after an important relationship ended.  I never burdened a new man with any of that.

Also, hopefully he was standing on his own two feet even while IN the marriage/relationship. 

But if not, if it was a co-dependent type of marriage, then yeah that might be a problem because unless he did did some introspection and perhaps therapy, he will continue to be co-dependent in all his subsequent relationships.

However, @sallynow this is something you will discover by actually dating him and spending time together, same as you would when you date any new person, regardless of their status.

If you discover in time, he isn't the man for you, wish him well and walk away.  Again, this is assuming you really like him and felt a connection with him, which, at least for me, does NOT come along all that often so when it does, I wouldn't just toss it because he was recently separated. 

I once dated a man newly separated, and he was long over his wife before he left, but it took a while to finalize the divorce.  I also have a friend who is now married to a man whom she met while he was newly separated.

Heck, my own dad married the woman he began dating after separating from my mom, she actually became the love of his life!!

But again, it is really your call, whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, sallynow said:

Our date was nice, but he informed me that he separared only one month ago, and is still married.

Run.

[poppyfields]

@sallynowdating is such a risk no matter how you slice it.   

I recently ended a relationship with a man who lost his wife to cancer two years before I met him.  When we started dating, it appeared he had worked through his grief, and was emotionally ready to embark on this new experience with me.

However, after dating him two months, I discovered he was still grieving and it definitely impacted our relationship, not in a good way, so I ended it.

I knew his wife had died when I met him, but there was an immediate connection right off the bat (see my previous thread) so I took the risk.

I don't regret one minute of the time we spent together and will cherish those memories even though it didn't work out in the end.  

Again, dating, relationships, LIFE, it's all a risk, never any guarantees.  Never ever.

JMO, but when you walk through life being guarded, scared and averse to taking risks, you will live a very limited and sheltered existence.

Just some things to consider when making your decision.

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, sallynow said:

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

I don't think I need to stay with a man in a situation that doesn't make feel good (although I would love to see him again).

Well said.   

If he really is going ahead with divorce he is going to have plenty to deal with for a while.  He should figure that out, focus on his child.  Could stay in touch but wouldn't date until that is well underway and happening.

 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, sallynow said:

Met this guy on a dating app, we exchanged a few messages and he asked me out.

Our date was nice, but he informed me that he separared only one month ago, and is still married. My whole body cringed when he told me that because dating married men is not my thing at all.

At the end of the date he told me he would like to see me again, and then sent me a message asking me out again. I haven't responded yet because I am deciding what to do. I really liked him but this situation with his status makes me unconfortable.

Other things he mentioned: It is the second time he ended things with this woman. First time was many years ago, they got back together after 3 years, got married, had a child and now separared again. I asked him if 3 times is a charm, and he said no this time is for good. He said they even had a conversation with his son they were separating,

He is now living with his mom temporarily until he sorts out his life.

If he didn't have this situation I would meet him again, but like this I am not sure about the risks. What if he is lying and is still married and living with his wife? Or what if he is telling the truth but they only had a fight and will get back together? Or I am just a rebound?

I'm not sure if I want to take that risk. I don't even know if he has filled for divorce already. 

So I'm deciding between going on another date with him and try to access the situation further, or just telling him straight his married status doesn't make me feel comfortable and so please contact me again when he is divorced (or at least filled for divorce). I think that a serious man would understand.

What do you think?

 

 

it really depends on the situation surrounding a separation.

 

for example some places require a legally defined separation period ( not just saying you are but a legal document). Some places you can easily go from married to divorced.

 

my general rule on if someone is even ready to date again depends on

1. how the divorce came about.

2. why it occured

3. how the divorce process went

a couple who drifted apart then divorced amicably thrn there isn’t as much recovery time to date again. If you caught someone cheating out of the blue then divorced, then more time is needed 

 

given he’s only one month in…don’t waste your time here.  Given him a rain check and say contact me again say in late 2022 when you are divorced.

 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, sallynow said:

I know that if you don't risk it you never know, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I think that if he is the right man for me, he will understand when I say that makes me feel uncomfortable so please contact me again when you are divorced (or at least filled for divorce), and he would do that.

I don't think I need to stay with a man in a situation that doesn't make feel good (although I would love to see him again).

 

you will get strung out wasting your time for him to actually get divorced.  Why want something you can’t have?

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, sallynow said:

So I'm deciding between going on another date with him and try to access the situation further, or just telling him straight his married status doesn't make me feel comfortable and so please contact me again when he is divorced (or at least filled for divorce).

I'm not sure what you think another date with him is going to do?  He still won't be divorced and done with processing that, so what's the point?

He is standing squarely in a mess right now--and he needs time to go sort that out and get over it all before trying to bring someone into that mess.  I think Ami1uwant is right: you're going to get strung along, being the rebound chick.  I'd take a hard pass and look elsewhere. He's not ready for a full on relationship at this point--he hasn't legally gotten the state out of his messy life.

Edited September 17, 2021 by kendahke

[chillii]

5 hours ago, sallynow said:

That's funny, I don't see things that way. I believe there is the right person for you at the right time, so if I don't stay with him and he finds someone else, is because we were not meant to be.

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Edited September 17, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, chillii said:

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Shoot, I would have been interested in reading that!  Darn.  

[sallynow]

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I’ve decided to go on a second date with him next week and the reason for that is because I am divorced too (divorced years ago), and by the time I separated from my ex husband I was already over him and the relationship, things were amicable and I started dating afterwards.

So I know that separations are not always messy and problematic.

Actually after my divorce I had another 1 year relationship that ended a couple years ago that ended badly. We never married but it took me more time to heal and get over it than my 9 year marriage!

He also mentioned he and his ex are separating in an amicable way.

I really liked him so I’ll give a chance for a second date and also try to know more info about his separation.

I also have a date with a different guy this Sunday, so I’m not just focusing on him.