Coworker is clingy and creepy after one night stand?

[Violetstar]

46 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

We still don't and will never fully know how that night went. It takes two to dance, she could of very well fed his ego and lead him on. 

It sounds like you are trying to excuse his behavior.

you are saying: “No means no except when she really means yes with her smile.” Wink, wink. 

The incident happened on a Friday night. I told him it was a one-time thing several times over the weekend. When we had to work together again, he started with the grabbing and groping next to coworkers and supervisors. I called him and directly said no over the phone. I am not okay wit that behavior. 

The next day, he does it again anyway.
 

In fact he cornered me in the elevator stating it was okay cuz nobody could see. 
So I called in sick the next day and left the location. Done.

If the boss ever looked at the cameras on the elevator, they would see a 6’2 man cornering a 5’4 woman. The woman pushing him away angrily and the man laughing about it. 

 That’s how it was in my perspective, possibly the perspective on cameras, but you are 100% right in his perspective I am positive he saw “a woman saying no who really meant yes with her eyes.”

I am sure he saw things that way too. 

[Violetstar]

And itstheday, not even HE used the lines you’re using. He called and apologized for his behavior and used the line, “I don’t have a lot of self awareness, I’m sorry.”

You on the other hand used the lines:

“You are playing the victim. You were feeding my ego. You deserved this.”

You are self projecting big time. 

[Calmandfocused]

This story reminds me of the old classic  film fatal attraction:
 

Use someone for sex and they might just refuse to be thrown away. 
 

Moral of the story: don’t have casual sex with men at work. There are consequences. 

[ItsTheDay]

1 hour ago, Violetstar said:

It sounds like you are trying to excuse his behavior.

you are saying: “No means no except when she really means yes with her smile.” Wink, wink. 

The incident happened on a Friday night. I told him it was a one-time thing several times over the weekend. When we had to work together again, he started with the grabbing and groping next to coworkers and supervisors. I called him and directly said no over the phone. I am not okay wit that behavior. 

The next day, he does it again anyway.
 

In fact he cornered me in the elevator stating it was okay cuz nobody could see. 
So I called in sick the next day and left the location. Done.

If the boss ever looked at the cameras on the elevator, they would see a 6’2 man cornering a 5’4 woman. The woman pushing him away angrily and the man laughing about it. 

 That’s how it was in my perspective, possibly the perspective on cameras, but you are 100% right in his perspective I am positive he saw “a woman saying no who really meant yes with her eyes.”

I am sure he saw things that way too. 

No, I am not trying to excuse his behavior. As I've said, I do not agree with harassment. If that's what really happened then yes, you are right. That's what the cameras would of saw but what they wouldn't of seen, is what happened that Friday night. So I'm also not trying to excuse your behavior, either. I think you are, though. Which is completely fine, I get it. We make mistakes but don't even think about bringing someone else down because of your mistakes. I'm referring to the thought you had of getting the man fired. This guy had a crush on you, did he harass you at all before that Friday night? If not, than maybe you were just delivering your no's wrong. 

Edited September 21, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[Boobita]

On 9/16/2021 at 10:03 PM, Violetstar said:

Hello everyone,

Let me start off my saying this was entirely my fault. I messed up big time and don’t know how to clean it up. I got out of a dysfunctional relationship a few months ago and I’ve been in therapy trying to recover from things that happened in that relationship. 
My co-worker, 35 male, seemed like a nice guy. However, I’m not that attracted to him. He’s okay looking but I’ve never felt any sexual attraction to him. I know that he’s liked me and has had a crush on me. (He also has a kid and a few red flags that I’m not gonna go into atm.)

On Friday night, we both worked late together and decided to grab food and drinks after our shift. That day my ex from my previous relationship called me drunk and was spouting off really horrific abuses. My ex was an alcoholic and slightly emotionally abusive, more so when he’s drinking. I blocked him but he kept trying to contact me through other numbers that night and I continued blocking him. 

Each time my ex called and said/texted horrible things, I’d take another shot. I was forcing myself to have a good time. 

My co-worker was being heavily flirtatious and catering to my ego, completely. One thing led to another and I slept with him. I completely regretted it the next day. He became clingy, FAAAAST. Blowing me up over the weekend, telling me how much he missed me, telling me he couldn’t wait until our “next date,” he couldn’t wait to have my body again. We never said it was going to happen again. I left immediately after. He just assumed. 

I was straightforward and told him I was not interested in another night. Told him it was a mistake, I dont date coworkers, and I’m not interested and I’m going through some personal stuff right now that I want to focus on. He seemed to take this in stride… until the next day at work. We had to work together (which is rare for us as we are on different teams.)

And I was talking about how I’m in therapy for some depression I had. He took this as a sign to come over and hug me and kiss me without my permission, AT WORK, and around people!!! Our coworkers were right in the next room but wtf they could have walked in! Our supervisors were there! It’s against our policy too. 

I was PISSSSED and told him directly he cannot do that without my permission and he certainly cannot do that at work.  I did NOT him to kiss me.  Not at work or outside of work. 

He seemed to not understand. Because as we walked out at the end, he whispered to me telling me he wanted to grab my a** and nobody would see. I told him if he did, I would request to never work with him again. That upset him and he apologized and promised he wouldn’t. 

After work he called me 3x until I finally answered out if irritation. He  told me how much he missed me, how much he missed my body, how he would never treat me the way my ex did, how he felt we are so perfect for each other and he could tell how much I’m into him, how he thought I was so beautiful and he couldn’t wait to have me again, how he wanted to make out with me so bad wt work, how next time he’s gonna walk me to my car and kiss me he doesn’t care what anybody thinks. 
 

I was very direct and told him I didn’t want him touching me. Not at work or after. I’m not interested in dating him or having sex. It was a one time thing. That’s all. And he seemed to not understand at all!

He acted like I was flirting with him and responded by saying he “could wait to have sex again” when I’m ready for him. He won’t kiss me at work, he will wait until after work when nobody sees. 
so me saying no I’m not interested in dating him translated to: I don’t want to have sex with you today. Maybe tomorrow. 

And then he literally ended the call by telling me he gave up all the girls he’s talking to for me and just say the word and we will be exclusive, but I’d have to do the same. He was NOT LISTENING to anything I was saying and now I’m getting ANGRY.

it feels like hes hearing what HE WANTS TO HEAR and he’s trying to lock me down immediately to be his. Even if I was attracted to the guy, I’d be creeped out. It was a one time thing and now he’s telling me he’s falling for me, he wants to be exclusive, hes missing me, he wants me to give up everybody for him. 
 

I know this is my fault. I messed up. But idk what else to do? I’ve been direct with him and he’s not listening. The only thing I can think of doing now is telling my boss I am uncomfortable working by his side. But I’m getting a little nervous being around him now. He seems to have absolutely no boundaries.

He seems like the type of guy who thinks the girl repeatedly saying no, is just playing around because she really means yes. 
And I don’t want to spend any time alone with him now. 

So you used the coworker, and now you want to get rid of him. So just tell him that you used him.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Violetstar said:

I called him and directly said no over the phone.

Did you tell him you will report him if he ever touches you again?

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/21/2021 at 5:15 PM, ItsTheDay said:

We still don't and will never fully know how that night went. It takes two to dance, she could of very well fed his ego and lead him on. 

That does not matter. 

She said no after that night, repeatedly. However one night goes is irrelevant when someone tells you to stop.

 

[smackie9]

I don't care what anyone says...his behavior is unacceptable. Guy has a screw loose. He plays stupid, and makes excuses, or whatever....he knows what he is doing, and is very aware it upsets her.

 

[poppyfields]

>>My co-worker was being heavily flirtatious and catering to my ego, completely. One thing led to another and I slept with him. 

@Violetstar, you slept with EACH OTHER.   You did not coerce or otherwise even need to convince, he was a willing participant (same as you) you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, so STOP beating yourself up, okay?  You did nothing wrong!  

I get he had a "crush" on you but so what?  You are not responsible for what HE chooses to do, crush or no crush.  He is a grown man, an adult for goodness sake.   And as an adult, he makes his own decisions and the decision he made that night was to have sex with you. Just as you chose to have sex with him.

You both were equal participants in what transpired that night, no one "used" anyone.  Therefore you have nothing to feel guilty about, and unless you held a gun to his head making all sorts of promises of a "relationship" or whatever, you did nothing wrong.

This "person's" behaviour afterwards was appalling!   Flat out unacceptable no matter how you slice and dice it. 

Grabbing your ass, making inappropriate sexual comments, etc etc, I work in the legal field and that constitutes a clear cut case of sexual harassment and it's doesn't matter if you had sex with each other prior, that is not a justifiable excuse for such egregious and inappropriate behavior in the workplace.  

I am glad you assertively expressed yourself to him, hopefully he now "gets it" and will begin behaving professionally.

 

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I don't care what anyone says...his behavior is unacceptable. Guy has a screw loose. He plays stupid, and makes excuses, or whatever....he knows what he is doing, and is very aware it upsets her.

Agreed. 

It's quite troubling to see some in this thread suggesting otherwise and blaming VS. Reprehensible.