Coworker is clingy and creepy after one night stand?

September 16, 2021

Hello everyone,

Let me start off my saying this was entirely my fault. I messed up big time and don’t know how to clean it up. I got out of a dysfunctional relationship a few months ago and I’ve been in therapy trying to recover from things that happened in that relationship.
My co-worker, 35 male, seemed like a nice guy. However, I’m not that attracted to him. He’s okay looking but I’ve never felt any sexual attraction to him. I know that he’s liked me and has had a crush on me. (He also has a kid and a few red flags that I’m not gonna go into atm.)

On Friday night, we both worked late together and decided to grab food and drinks after our shift. That day my ex from my previous relationship called me drunk and was spouting off really horrific abuses. My ex was an alcoholic and slightly emotionally abusive, more so when he’s drinking. I blocked him but he kept trying to contact me through other numbers that night and I continued blocking him.

Each time my ex called and said/texted horrible things, I’d take another shot. I was forcing myself to have a good time.

My co-worker was being heavily flirtatious and catering to my ego, completely. One thing led to another and I slept with him. I completely regretted it the next day. He became clingy, FAAAAST. Blowing me up over the weekend, telling me how much he missed me, telling me he couldn’t wait until our “next date,” he couldn’t wait to have my body again. We never said it was going to happen again. I left immediately after. He just assumed.

I was straightforward and told him I was not interested in another night. Told him it was a mistake, I dont date coworkers, and I’m not interested and I’m going through some personal stuff right now that I want to focus on. He seemed to take this in stride… until the next day at work. We had to work together (which is rare for us as we are on different teams.)

And I was talking about how I’m in therapy for some depression I had. He took this as a sign to come over and hug me and kiss me without my permission, AT WORK, and around people!!! Our coworkers were right in the next room but wtf they could have walked in! Our supervisors were there! It’s against our policy too.

I was PISSSSED and told him directly he cannot do that without my permission and he certainly cannot do that at work. I did NOT him to kiss me. Not at work or outside of work.

He seemed to not understand. Because as we walked out at the end, he whispered to me telling me he wanted to grab my a** and nobody would see. I told him if he did, I would request to never work with him again. That upset him and he apologized and promised he wouldn’t.

After work he called me 3x until I finally answered out if irritation. He told me how much he missed me, how much he missed my body, how he would never treat me the way my ex did, how he felt we are so perfect for each other and he could tell how much I’m into him, how he thought I was so beautiful and he couldn’t wait to have me again, how he wanted to make out with me so bad wt work, how next time he’s gonna walk me to my car and kiss me he doesn’t care what anybody thinks.

I was very direct and told him I didn’t want him touching me. Not at work or after. I’m not interested in dating him or having sex. It was a one time thing. That’s all. And he seemed to not understand at all!

He acted like I was flirting with him and responded by saying he “could wait to have sex again” when I’m ready for him. He won’t kiss me at work, he will wait until after work when nobody sees.
so me saying no I’m not interested in dating him translated to: I don’t want to have sex with you today. Maybe tomorrow.

And then he literally ended the call by telling me he gave up all the girls he’s talking to for me and just say the word and we will be exclusive, but I’d have to do the same. He was NOT LISTENING to anything I was saying and now I’m getting ANGRY.

it feels like hes hearing what HE WANTS TO HEAR and he’s trying to lock me down immediately to be his. Even if I was attracted to the guy, I’d be creeped out. It was a one time thing and now he’s telling me he’s falling for me, he wants to be exclusive, hes missing me, he wants me to give up everybody for him.

I know this is my fault. I messed up. But idk what else to do? I’ve been direct with him and he’s not listening. The only thing I can think of doing now is telling my boss I am uncomfortable working by his side. But I’m getting a little nervous being around him now. He seems to have absolutely no boundaries.

He seems like the type of guy who thinks the girl repeatedly saying no, is just playing around because she really means yes.
And I don’t want to spend any time alone with him now.

September 16, 2021

I would write him a short note. Keep a copy.

Dear Co-Worker:

On [date of your hook-up] we made a mistake. That mistake will never be repeated. To be clear I do not want to date you or have anything to do with you socially. Do not kiss me, grab me, touch me or make any other advances toward me ever again, especially at work. If you do, I will report you to HR for sexual harassment. Your conduct is unwelcome. Our future interactions need to remain strictly professional. I trust you understand & will abide by my wishes.

Sincerely, Violetstar

If he does it again, tell HR & give them a copy of this letter & explain that he's not taking no for an answer. Meanwhile avoid being alone with him.

September 16, 2021

49 minutes ago, Violetstar said:

He seemed to not understand. Because as we walked out at the end, he whispered to me telling me he wanted to grab my a** and nobody would see.

Ok so far you're handling it well. However with this type of lecherous creep you need a hardline.

Tell him you will report him for sexual harassment if he talks to you, texts you or goes near you again.

Then block and delete him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Even if there was a one time consensual situation, ongoing unwanted pursuit is still construed as sexual harassment.

You don't necessarily have to report him (as yet) but the warning could put him in his place.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

September 16, 2021

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I would write him a short note. Keep a copy.

Dear Co-Worker:

On [date of your hook-up] we made a mistake. That mistake will never be repeated. To be clear I do not want to date you or have anything to do with you socially. Do not kiss me, grab me, touch me or make any other advances toward me ever again, especially at work. If you do, I will report you to HR for sexual harassment. Your conduct is unwelcome. Our future interactions need to remain strictly professional. I trust you understand & will abide by my wishes.

Sincerely, Violetstar

If he does it again, tell HR & give them a copy of this letter & explain that he's not taking no for an answer. Meanwhile avoid being alone with him.

I won’t get in trouble for sleeping with him though?? Because I did sleep with him and we do have a strict policy at work about fraternizing. I’m not his boss or anything like that but we have had a meeting about it before.

And I do feel harrassed. It feels like because I slept with him, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants now without any further consent and I’m uncomfortable. Now he’s texting me asking if I want to have lunch with him for the rest of the week. U

September 16, 2021

I don't know what your company's anti-fraternization policy is but that doesn't excuse his harassment. I suppose you could both be fired. Sounds like it's time to polish the resume. Still you have to tell him to back off in no uncertain terms.

September 16, 2021

1 hour ago, Violetstar said:

I won’t get in trouble for sleeping with him though? I do feel harrassed.

Never put anything in writing to a coworker that you wouldn't put on a large flashing neon jumbotron.

Just text/email him you'll file a sexual harassment complaint if he persists (you don't have to file, but the warning will deter him).Do not mention your encounter. Done. Then delete and block him and be cool but professional.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

September 17, 2021

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just text/email him you'll file a sexual harassment complaint if he persists (you don't have to file, but the warning will deter him).Do not mention your encounter. Done. Then delete and block him and be cool but professional.

All of this. And if he doesn't stop, OP, go to HR and I suppose be ready to find a new job if company policy tries to police their employees' sex lives.

I don't see what other option you have with this guy, short of reporting him to authorities for his unwanted contact.

September 17, 2021

Does he know where you live? I hope not.

Talk to your boss. Tell him you are being harrassed. I'm sure there is a sexual harrassment policy at your workplace.

Even if you get fired, that's better then continuing working with the creep.

September 17, 2021

So your ex is an alcoholic abuser, you drink to deal with your problems, and the new guy is a crazy stalker.

Yes, tell the new guy in no uncertain terms that he is not to contact you again.

Then, get yourself into counseling to understand why your picker is broken and how to develop healthy coping mechanisms.

September 17, 2021

You can place yourself in a very vulnerable situation when you drink and are upset.

You'll have to block his phone number. Hopefully, your employment is not in jeopardy right now. Is there an HR department at your place of work that you can consult with?

Try to replace mood-altering substances with something less perilous in the future, such as spending time with family or female friends.

September 17, 2021

Yeah as others are saying you need to go the strict "no means no" route on him as much as possible. Complete minimal contact is a must, as is no "being kind" as this guy's going to misinterpret whatever he possibly can IMO. You might get the work policy clarified by HR (without saying something already happened) - sometimes it's not fraternizing on company grounds (vs at all) etc.

If he escalates or stalks consider getting the local police involved. A few police reports can help a LOT in a situation like this if he goes full obsessed socially-incompetent boy-man on you.

Edited September 17, 2021 by mark clemson

September 17, 2021

If you don't have an HR dept. then go to your supervisor immediately. Yes what happens outside of work is out of their jurisdiction and none of their business, but it's spilling over into the workplace, so now it is. Set forth a harassment case against him. You already told him twice, he won't listen, now you are scared and desperate. This is now a serious situation. I'm so sorry this is happening to you....if he was normal this wouldn't be happening. This guy has a screw loose/mentally unstable. IMO no one should ever have to put up with that. Work should be a safe place for all employees. Me being a manager, I myself had to stomp out sexual harassment for me and others so I know how it can get out of hand if not reported.

Should never take things like this too lightly or brush it off. It's natural to try and dismiss it because it's embarrassing, but you owe it to yourself to be protected from this guy.

September 17, 2021

Sounds like you're trying to blame your mistake on your ex. Blaming your drinking on your ex then you sleeping with this guy because of your drinking. Well, you didn't really say you slept with him because you were drunk but, with comments like "Each time my ex called and said/texted horrible things, I’d take another shot. I was forcing myself to have a good time". See the circle here? Points back to the ex. No one else made you do this but you. Sucks for this other guy, though. You mentioned he had a crush on you, and you sleep with him knowing this? There is three sides to each story but, you should of made it very clear before you dropped your panties for him. Could of said "look, this is going to be a one time thing because I am honry right now" or something along those lines. What you did was feed a stray cat, it's expected for the cat to come back.

September 18, 2021

I'm not going to bash you for what you did because I'm sure this has happened to a lot of people including myself, that when you are very hurt, you can be very vulnerable...that you just throw caution into the wind just not to feel anything. I get it. You don't need to be scolded, you understand your mistakes that lead up to this...but you are being victimized by this obsessive, unstable jerk. It's not your fault he is acting this way towards you. He is how he is, and what he is doing is criminal. No means no. I really hate this s shaming. Sleeping with someone isn't, and shouldn't be a crime...like saying well you asked for it. That's crap. It was a one night stand, and that should have been the end of it if the guy was normal..he is not, and this has become sexual harassment. No one deserves that at all.

September 18, 2021

On 9/17/2021 at 1:58 PM, ItsTheDay said:

What you did was feed a stray cat, it's expected for the cat to come back.

Interesting how differently it’s interpreted depending on which gender is on the receiving end of a pump and dump. This guy is obviously fragile, but you felt entitled to use him as your personal dildo and then command him- get lost dumbass. Now you’re all upset and playing the victim card because he doesn’t tuck tail and slink away. Maybe you’ll think twice next time… but I doubt it.

September 20, 2021

On 9/16/2021 at 11:33 AM, Violetstar said:

The only thing I can think of doing now is telling my boss I am uncomfortable working by his side.

I know some people may not agree, but I think YOU should be the one to leave and find new employment. You basically used this guy (who obviously has emotional scars) to prop up your ego, now you want to throw him in the trash. Believe it or not, a lot of guys have feelings and dreams of loving and being loved.

Now you're thinking about getting him in trouble with his boss and potentially risking him being fired and unable to support himself, because YOU gave mixed signals and made it seem like you were into him. This is why some men are reluctant to interact with women in the workplace.

September 20, 2021

Thanks for the responses everyone!

To those who seem unbelievably angry about this post, I literally stated it was my fault, my mistake. I know what I did. I’m not a victim of anything except my poor choices.

But the issue here was I directly told him it was a one time thing after, several times. That does NOT excuse him from grabbing me and groping me publicly whenever he would like at work. That’s like excusing rape between a husband and wife because they are married and have had sex in the past. That doesn’t make it okay and I am not so gullible that I would accept that sort of horrible rationalization.

To those who gave good advice, I took it, and thank you so much. I did not report him to HR, I was never really comfortable with that idea. Instead, I firmly told him it was a one-time thing and he was making me so uncomfortable at work that I had to request to be placed at our other location (which I’m working at and I personally love!).

I told him although I consented to one night, I am not consenting to him physically grabbing me or groping me at work and in public places.

Even if he was my boyfriend who I loved and adored, I would NEVER be okay with that kind of behavior in public or at work. It’s barbaric and disrespectful regardless of our relations.

Once I moved to our other location and I specifically told him what he was doing was “barbaric and disrespectful” he finally accepted it and apologized. He apologized repeatedly and literally said he didn’t “think I was that serious” when I told him NO. (Are you kidding me?)

I think the fact that I was working beside him still, implied that I WANTED to be around HIM, specifically, that I WANTED to be touched. I think he doesn’t have a lot of self awareness and he has extreme boundary issues which I communicated through our messages.

Luckily, I didn’t have to threaten himself, I was direct and simply just left the location.

(Ironically, after I told him about his self-awareness issue he admitted to me some girls have told him the same thing. Apparently he thought he had been in a relationship with one girl he dated for 2 MONTHS before she finally snapped at him and told him they were never in a relationship, they were just friends, before blocking him from everything. He thought they were dating the entire time and he discovered she was already with somebody else. So that was eye opening for me.)

Anyway, we don’t text or call anymore except for work-related issues and it’s been resolved. Thank God.

September 21, 2021

7 hours ago, Violetstar said:

But the issue here was I directly told him it was a one time thing after, several times. That does NOT excuse him from grabbing me and groping me publicly whenever he would like at work.

Yes, exactly.

No means no. He does not get to make repeated inappropriate advances - especially at work - just because he's disappointed it didn't turn out.

Period.

September 21, 2021

12 hours ago, Violetstar said:

He apologized repeatedly and literally said he didn’t “think I was that serious” when I told him NO. (Are you kidding me?)

It all depends on how the "no" was delivered. I'm sure in the beginning, your "no's" were all laughs and giggles, a man will take this as flirting. Like I said before, there's always three sides to every story.

September 21, 2021

1 minute ago, ItsTheDay said:

It all depends on how the "no" was delivered. I'm sure in the beginning, your "no's" were all laughs and giggles, a man will take this as flirting. Like I said before, there's always three sides to every story.

That's true.

However, it is still wildly inappropriate to be trying to touch and kiss her like that at work.

September 21, 2021

12 hours ago, Violetstar said:

we don’t text or call anymore except for work-related issues and it’s been resolved.

Excellent. Yes steer clear of work romances.

More importantly, don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to office wolves by feeling lonely and especially drinking too much when out socializing.

September 21, 2021

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

More importantly, don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to office wolves by feeling lonely and especially drinking too much when out socializing.

nvm

Edited September 21, 2021 by introverted1

September 21, 2021

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's true.

However, it is still wildly inappropriate to be trying to touch and kiss her like that at work.

We still don't and will never fully know how that night went. It takes two to dance, she could of very well fed his ego and lead him on.

September 21, 2021

There's really no excuse for the inappropriate behavior this man displayed. Flirting, sex - doesn't matter. He's responsible for his own actions, and to the extent they were sexual harassment (which was a large extent) they were wrong. Going for ass grabs with an unwilling woman in the workplace is a recipe for potential disaster for everyone involved. It may not be his fault that he is self-centered, immature, and socially clueless, but he is destined to lose out again and again in the dating game until he can "get a clue" about respectful, responsible, adult behavior. That isn't your problem, VS, that's his and he has NO business making it yours.

Edited September 21, 2021 by mark clemson

September 21, 2021

On 9/22/2021 at 1:50 AM, mark clemson said:

There's really no excuse for the inappropriate behavior this man displayed. Flirting, sex - doesn't matter. He's responsible for his own actions, and to the extent they were sexual harassment (which was a large extent) they were wrong. Going for ass grabs with an unwilling woman in the workplace is a recipe for potential disaster for everyone involved. It may not be his fault that he is self-centered, immature, and socially clueless, but he is destined to lose out again and again in the dating game until he can "get a clue". That isn't your problem, VS, that's his and he has NO business making it yours.

I can understand your view, but she didn't once say he was doing all this "harassment" pre their hook up. The only thing she mentioned is he always had a crush on her. He was doing all this after their hook up, which I'm sure there was a lot of ass grabbing going on. I don't agree with harassment, at all. We don't know the whole story, or how the night really went. What I don't agree on (I know she didn't do it, but she mentioned it) is her going to HR about this guy, because I'm sure she would of left some key facts out to keep her innocence. I am assuming that because judging by her first post, the reason for sleeping with this guy all circled back to her ex.

[ ]

Edited September 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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