Defensive husband

[Christine24]

I am having a very difficult time, my husband and I cannot even look at each other without feeling tension. He has never been there for me in times when I needed him, either having enough, getting frustrated or defensive and ultimately blaming me saying he is not responsible for the way I feel.

A few times that I cannot get past.. When I had my surgery after a day or two of a long recovery he exploded at me and did not help me any further, when my dad died he decided to stay home and get high with his friend rather than attend the funeral, when my mother was in the hospital having surgery to get a brain tumour removed he finally showed up only to explode at me because he was stressed about work. He has never truly apologized for any of this. He has no empathy and never listens, small talks or disagreements always blow up and he always feels “attacked.” We have been together for 9 years and I have had enough. 

I am now reaching out to support groups, seeking legal council and gaining knowledge on divorce.

I feel like he is an overgrown man-child that  takes no responsibility over his emotions and just whines and complains and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way. I am done enabling such bad behaviour. We have been to marriage counselling (3 counsellors) I was always willing to talk through things and admit wrong doings in the relationship, he on the other-hand is completely “oblivious” to his actions and just blames everyone else and feels sorry for himself. 

I still have to live with him until things get wrapped up, I honestly think he is truly oblivious to what is going to happen.

In the past, whenever I have expressed that I want a divorce, he begs me to stay and says sorry - he then of course goes back to his old ways.

I am just trying to get through this difficult time, he is going to be seeing a counsellor solo, but I doubt much will change. 

Why are so many men such crappy, self-entitled people who cannot look past their own nose. I feel like I have just wasted 10 years of my life and am just trying to be civil until I can move out and finalize things.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like getting out is your best option.  I would not stay with a man who let me down so many times about such important stuff.  

Not all men are like your STBXH.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Christine24 said:

I am now reaching out to support groups, seeking legal council and gaining knowledge on divorce.

Sorry to hear this. Read up on abusive relationships. Do Not look for empathy, a friend, support, etc. from an abuser. 

Instead look for a ferocious divorce attorney to discuss an appropriate escape plan and options in divorce.

Enlist the help and support of trusted friends and family to extricate yourself from this.

 Stop talking to him. Act bland. Meanwhile plan your exit.

[glows]

Keep the status quo until you have your exit plan in place with your lawyer. The time for counselling and talking is over if you are already planning to divorce. I understand the frustration having to live in limbo for that time. Stay focused on other things, your work, kids, friends and family. Keep us posted.