My Wife Likes to Frequent the Same Bar Everyday She Travels and Is Now Staying There for 3-4 Hours at a Time

[Idkap]

My wife and I are both road warriors and do our best to coordinate our travel at the same time - and so far, it has worked. We do what we need to do for work and when we have the time together like on weekends, we live it to the fullest pretty much hanging out together.

She now travels to the same place for half the month each month. Every night after work she goes to the same bar near her hotel by herself to eat and get a few drinks. In the beginning, I didn't see it as a big deal. Lately, she'll stay there for 3-4 hours at a time (until they close at 11PM). I can't say for certain that she is there the entire time, but we tend to talk before we go to sleep and that's what she tells me...plus I have no reason to believe otherwise. 

It seems odd that a 40-something professional would hang out at a bar for that long every day. 

Am I overreacting?

I tend not to be the jealous type and totally cool with her going out with her friends. She also tends to not call or text to let me know she's running late (by hours).  This just seems to be a little much. 

I plan to speak with her about this when we are together this weekend, but I'd like to get some thoughts from everyone here on whether I'm just overreacting and should give it a little time first. 

Any thoughts?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Idkap said:

Lately, she'll stay there for 3-4 hours at a time (until they close at 11PM). I can't say for certain that she is there the entire time, but we tend to talk before we go to sleep and that's what she tells me

Are you worried about alcoholism or cheating?

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, Idkap said:

Lately, she'll stay there for 3-4 hours at a time (until they close at 11PM).

It is long time to hang out alone, so I would assume she's made some friends with other regulars or staff there. I don't think it's necessarily a sign of trouble if she's generally trustworthy and isn't getting drunk all the time. 

Have you had any previous issues with trust in the past? You say she doesn't call to let you know she's running late - running late for what, exactly? 

[Idkap]

It's the cheating...although I would find it so surprising. 

The previous issue was many years ago when we were dating. She had gone on a business trip and seemed to make a connection with someone there. She came back from that trip, and seemed to be distant. As the days had gone by, she was talking and texting with this person and had started to make plans to meet up with them when they traveled to our hometown.  She got really defensive when I questioned what was going on. When we were together one day, I realized she was texting him. I asked her about it and she wouldn't say what it was about. I quickly grabbed the phone and she freaked out. I gave the phone back without reading anything, but to this day, she has denied that there was anything going on. 

During the 5 years we've been married, other than she not calling when she's going to be late (for example when she's going to be at the bar for 4 hours than the typical 2 when we normally connect at night), her telling me she lost track of time, she says she didn't see my call or text because her phone was on silent, things are good. These things don't happen everyday, but they do. 

I would still be surprised there would be cheating, but I also did not see the other guy in the picture when we were dating. 

[Idkap]

Just to add one more thing...we tend to connect in the morning and at night. She usually calls me every morning...today...nothing. 

[d0nnivain]

She's going to the bar because she feels safe & there are people to talk to.   It's more fun then hanging out alone in a hotel room.  

It can be a slippery slope to cheating or a drinking problem, but even though she hasn't called you yet this morning, I'm not seeing major red flags.   Have you ever been to this bar?   If not, can you travel with her at some point & go to the bar with her?  That should quell your fears.

[Idkap]

I have not been to the bar...my travel would not take me there. 

[FMW]

Going to the same place for dinner and having occasional drinks isn't a big deal.  But I wouldn't  like it if my SO was out every night until closing.  It's  not unreasonable to think it might involve alcoholism and/or cheating.

[d0nnivain]

Make a special trip to spend extra time with your wife.  I have always said that if you are worried about what a SO does in their spare time, you best spend more of your time with that person.  If they are happy & connected to you, there is far less chance they will put themselves in a questionable position.  

[Idkap]

In my head, I'm probably reading into it way too much. But if I'm running unreasonably late even for one of our calls, I'll text. If she calls or texts, I always respond (I have never said I missed your call because my phone was on silent).  I have never said that I lost track of time. 

I just don't see the desire from her to do the same...and I see that as so disrespectful and inconsiderate. If I went to the bar like that...she'd not be too happy with me. 

We've had this discussion before, but nothing ever changes. 

[Idkap]

The time we have, we definitely do stuff!  Two weeks ago, I had to go to California, the two of us went together, went to Disney, did some awesome dinners before she flew out on Monday. Then this past weekend, we did the same until she flew out on Monday. When we're together it's amazing...which I'm leaning towards there's nothing going on, but it feels off and different than the norm. 

I don't feel good about it.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Idkap said:

The previous issue was many years ago when we were dating. She had gone on a business trip and seemed to make a connection with someone there. She came back from that trip, and seemed to be distant. As the days had gone by, she was talking and texting with this person and had started to make plans to meet up with them when they traveled to our hometown.  She got really defensive when I questioned what was going on. When we were together one day, I realized she was texting him. I asked her about it and she wouldn't say what it was about. I quickly grabbed the phone and she freaked out. I gave the phone back without reading anything, but to this day, she has denied that there was anything going on.

Hmm. That is suspicious. I can see how her current behaviour might raise a red flag for you, in the context of the above. It's brining back uncomfortable memories for you. 

55 minutes ago, Idkap said:

If I went to the bar like that...she'd not be too happy with me. 

Then I don't see why it would unfair to have a conversation about your own feelings here. 

 

[hannabolics95]

If you cannot simply ask her, why she is hanging out at that bar so frequently - this does not sound like a marriage that is built on trust and open communication. Don't p**** foot around her, this is your wife. Ask. Honestly no benefit from getting strangers opinions. If it suspicious, tell her that you are and that you do not see the marriage continuing.  

[Mrin]

If it doesn't feel right I would probe further with her. I was once in a relationship with a woman a long time ago and when things didn't feel right, they turned out to not be right. Made me a basket case and a Grade A CSI worthy investigator. Seriously, it was gross. I would memorize the placement of things in her apartment. The position and number of the stack of condoms in her drawer. And other things that I'm embarrassed to say I did. In the end everything I suspected turned out to be in fact, real. 

But I HATED who I became. And vowed never to be that person again. By any means necessary. Whether than be radical trust. Or breaking up with a woman if my intuition felt off. Or full transparency. Whatever it took.

Since that moment I've only dated women of the highest integrity. And I've trusted each completely. I've respected their privacy as if my life depended on it. Heck, my ex-wife could have had Jimmy Hoffa in her bedside table and I would never have known!

I guess my point is that if you are having there sorts of trust issues with your wife, you need to find some way to heal or confirm them. Otherwise they're only going to get worse and worse and turn you into someone you don't want to be.

Note: I am a recovering road warrior myself - 13 years of minimum 50% travel burden. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Idkap said:

When we're together it's amazing...which I'm leaning towards there's nothing going on, but it feels off and different than the norm. I don't feel good about it.  

Don't interrogate. People spill the truth more when not on guard. Just be watchful. Look for her to trip herself up through relaxed conversation.

Is she a heavy drinker or using drugs? Sitting in a bar 4 hours nightly seems like a lot.

[flitzanu]

i think there needs to be some clarity on this timeframe.

"half the month" and "every night for 4 hours" iis not very clear.

how many days is she gone, and are you saying every one of those days, she is in the bar for 4 hours?  and how do you know this?

 

3-4 hours in a hotel bar is not really that long, as others said, instead of sitting alone in your hotel room.  3-4 hours for ordering food, eating, having a couple drinks, that's not absurd

[glows]

 

5 hours ago, Idkap said:

In my head, I'm probably reading into it way too much. But if I'm running unreasonably late even for one of our calls, I'll text. If she calls or texts, I always respond (I have never said I missed your call because my phone was on silent).  I have never said that I lost track of time. 

I just don't see the desire from her to do the same...and I see that as so disrespectful and inconsiderate. If I went to the bar like that...she'd not be too happy with me. 

We've had this discussion before, but nothing ever changes. 

This sounds sad and disturbing in itself without the going to the bar till closing issue. You're more attentive towards her than she is towards you. Perhaps it's time to talk about that rather than point the finger at cheating. Keep your eyes peeled and be observant. Ultimately if you can't trust each other the marriage is a sham. 

[vla1120]

You know your wife's routines and habits. While her new routine might not be reason for high alarm, I think you have a right to question the change in behavior. I always tell people to listen to their instincts and respond accordingly. 

[Idkap]

We are definitely going to be discussing it - I'm just going to wait until we both get home on Saturday. 

I do trust her. She is a high integrity girl and I really have no reason to question this other than it is not the norm for her. 

When she first began to travel (Monday-Friday every other week), she went to this bar for dinner and I'd say in a couple of hours, she would get to the hotel and call me. Then this week...everyday, it's been 3 or 4 hours...I only know this because it's when she calls or texts me. 

Not a heavy drinker, but likes her drinks and no drugs. 

When I travel, I'm not hanging out at a bar, so perhaps 3-4 hours is normal and that provides me with some comfort. I just cannot imagine she'd be ok with me doing that, but maybe I'm totally wrong. 

[glows]

If you trust her that's good. Keep things simple and just talk about it when you see her. Ask her about how her work and travels are going. You seem to be letting your mind run amok with this. Focus on other things like work or other projects in the meantime.

[DKT3]

My question is why do you trust her? She doesn't appear to be a trustworthy person. 

I once heard a quote that said "people usually have the exact relationship they want" when I first heard it I thought what a load of crap. But as I really analyzed the statement it really makes sense. 

She was inappropriate when dating and has continued to be inappropriate.  Your rugsweeping and mostly ignoring it doesn't change that. 

So a conclusion can be drawn that this is the relationship you want.

[DKT3]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Make a special trip to spend extra time with your wife.  I have always said that if you are worried about what a SO does in their spare time, you best spend more of your time with that person.  If they are happy & connected to you, there is far less chance they will put themselves in a questionable position.  

I suspect she would avoid that bar if he was with her. It doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating,  but she is likely not willing to let him in on it, she has a history of this after all.

[Idkap]

I really appreciate everyone's point of view. Thank you so much. 

She called me an hour ago to let me know that she was going to dinner with her boss and a couple of other people and then after that was going to get drinks with someone she works with. Before this week, I seriously would have had no issue with this...

I couldn't talk about all of this with her at the time because I was still at work...but she knew I was off.  Should be an interesting weekend. 

I'm sure I'm making her sound terrible...and she's really not, but I also needed a perspective from you guys that are not so close to it. This has been so helpful. Thank you. 

 

[DKT3]

This is a website full of people who never thought my spouse would,  or its not who they are, or im making too much out of this. More dangerously simple ignored odd and untrustworthy behavior. 

When people behave poorly and have no consequences the behavior gets worse. Maybe they get better at hiding it or gaslighting but it doesn't get better.

Most unfaithful spouses are not terrible people,  yet they are still unfaithful. 

Edited September 17, 2021 by DKT3

[mark clemson]

You could, in theory, plan a wonderful romantic surprise for her where you come to visit her on one of these trips. You might even show up at the bar, unannounced, to let her know you've arrived. Surprise honey - I'm here to spend some time with you!

It should go quite well...

Something for you to consider.

Edited September 17, 2021 by mark clemson