Had no idea my confidence was this low and ran away from a 1st meet last night due to fear of another rejection

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

She asked what my plans were for the rest of the day and I said I am going to watch college football with a few friends.   

it was a moment during the date where I thought I lost my phone and the waitress found it.    I was saying to her that the date almost ended because it was no way I could still be on a date and my phone was gone.     She said she still would have stayed if she discovered she lost her phone.     How could anyone continue a date knowing your phone is gone?

then contacted her on monday morning by text and never got a reply back

^^I'm surprised no one has commented on this.

She may have asked what your plans were because she was hoping to continue the date.  It meant she liked you! 

Your response that you were going to watch football, it's quite possible she took that as a rejection. 

Not only that, you announce to her that if you had misplaced your phone, you would have ended the date? 

Dude, when people like each other and feel that "click," a misplaced phone doesn't stop them from wanting to continue the date.  

And why on earth would you tell her that? Especially if you actually liked her? 

It's no wonder she never replied to your text Monday. 

This new girl.  Did you reply to her text asking "why are you doing this"?

I agree with whomever said YOU actually rejected her by leaving, even after she blew up your phone. 

You need to somehow control your anxiety and stop anticipating rejection around every corner. 

I think it IS a form of self-sabotage.

And learn how to talk to a lady, learn what to say and NOT to say. 

Learn how to read signals properly. 

A shaved beard is NOT going to fix this. 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I have an aspergers lie form in ASD and I have prosopagnosia. 

I was unaware of your medical conditions.  So, yes you do face additional difficulties.

My original advice was directed towards @IntBrowser  I don't know if he is suffering from any of these conditions (or something similar).

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not only that, you announce to her that if you had misplaced your phone, you would have ended the date? 

Dude, when people like each other and feel that "click," a misplaced phone doesn't stop them from wanting to continue the date.  

And why on earth would you tell her that? Especially if you actually liked her?

 

@poppyfields Yes... I was scratching my head on that one, as well.  I thought maybe because I am old, I don't get the whole phone thing.  I probably haven't touched my cell phone in a week.  I'm not even sure where it is in the house.  Either way, I certainly wouldn't end a date over a missing phone.

So basically the OP is sending the message that this little device is more important to him than the company of another "real life" human being.  I mean if one does lose a cell phone, there is probably a store right around the corner where you can purchase another one. 

This is where I always say to prepare for a date, so you don't run out of things to talk about.  Research some local "feel good" stories in the news (kittens rescued from storm drain) type of stuff, fun camping trip stories, etc. (stuff like that).  Talking about how important your cell phone is to you and that you'd end the date if you couldn't find it, is just bad form.

A few years back, my girlfriend lost her cell phone.  I saw it as an opportunity to purchase her a new one (as an early Christmas gift) and that way I didn't have search for the perfect gift.  She picked out which one she wanted and was happy!!  (WIN-WIN) She certainly wasn't upset to the point that she would have had to go home.  And what do you do once you go home, sit on your couch and worry where the phone is??

[poppyfields]

Lemming, lol, I hear ya.

However, for me, it's not as simple as buying a new phone.  Lots of important data is stored in my phone, so it would definitely suck!

But if I was having a good time, I'd inform the waitress or manager I misplaced it somewhere, and continue the date.

If I was NOT having a good time, and didn't like him, I might use as a good excuse to end the date.

In any event, I would NEVER tell my date any of this!

That's the part I don't get.  Like why tell her you would have ended the date?  What's the purpose in that?  

Its like you said lemming, by telling her, the OP was announcing he valued a little device more than he valued her company. 

No woman, no person, wants to hear that. 

And he wonders why he continues getting rejected.  SMH

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[Johnjohnson2017]

You should have answered the phone when your date was calling you. If she was rejecting you, she wouldn't be calling you. You should have been more patient. 15 minutes late is not too bad. 

You shouldent have told your saturday date that your date would have ended if you didnt find your phone. That could have been interpreted as a rejection. Were you interested in her? Maybe you should have extended that date. Friends / football game can wait. 

[Happy Lemming]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lots of important data is stored in my phone, so it would definitely suck!

Luckily, I had her contact list (backed up) on my computer.  I also have certain files (important to her) backed up on a thumb drive.  So I just emailed the backup copies to her new phone and all was fixed.

Do you have a backup of that data??

I'm a bit anal about backups, I have my important data burned on a DVD and on a thumb drive.

[poppyfields]

I have to wonder if the OP had any interest in these women himself. It certainly doesn't appear so.

But yet he feels badly when they reject him not realizing HIS indifference to them is what caused it.

It's virtually the same story on all his threads.  Different face, same story. 

Gambling, watching sports, drinking with his mates, sleeping in, even his phone, all take priority over spending time with a woman.

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you have a backup of that data??

I'm a bit anal about backups, I have my important data burned on a DVD and on a thumb drive.

I have phone numbers backed up, but not other stuff.

I'm super careful though, never lost or misplaced.

But there's always a first time so may look into backing everything up, good idea! 

Edited September 17, 2021 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

she never saw me, I left before she arrived

I meant on the first date.

Look, if you are completely honest with yourself here, I think you'll realize that you're not really in a "headspace" where you can date successfully. Doesn't mean you should stop - keep practicing IMO. But the fear/insecurity thing is really biting you in the rear here.

There is a concept in sales - "getting to No" - a process where you figure out that someone isn't really interested in buying your product. A lot of the exact same thing happens in dating, except that product is NOT you, but A RELATIONSHIP WITH you.

Figuring out you're not compatible is a perfectly natural and indeed extremely helpful process during dating. You seem to be in a place where you can't accept this, but it's part and parcel of the whole experience.

So that's why I suggest therapy. Look good, be a wonderful potential partner, all that good stuff. But really you also want to be in a place where you can take rejection "on the chin" and move on relatively quickly. Certainly not shut something potentially good down in fear of it.  There are more where she came from (and if you're a good potential partner, there always will be).

Our brains work a certain way and so there is emotion and self-doubt involved and in reality this is easier said than done. Totally get that. But IMO it takes recognizing that someone in a very real way does you a favor by "getting to No" quickly - to make room for someone who's better in the sense they are more compatible.

So, therapy to help you deal with the insecurity, avoidance, fear, self-sabotaging that's going on here etc.

[IntBrowser]

11 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

You should have answered the phone when your date was calling you. If she was rejecting you, she wouldn't be calling you. You should have been more patient. 15 minutes late is not too bad. 

You shouldent have told your saturday date that your date would have ended if you didnt find your phone. That could have been interpreted as a rejection. Were you interested in her? Maybe you should have extended that date. Friends / football game can wait. 

I wasnt quite sure how to answer that question, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?     If I was able to rewind time what would I say?

[IntBrowser]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Lemming, lol, I hear ya.

However, for me, it's not as simple as buying a new phone.  Lots of important data is stored in my phone, so it would definitely suck!

But if I was having a good time, I'd inform the waitress or manager I misplaced it somewhere, and continue the date.

If I was NOT having a good time, and didn't like him, I might use as a good excuse to end the date.

In any event, I would NEVER tell my date any of this!

That's the part I don't get.  Like why tell her you would have ended the date?  What's the purpose in that?  

Its like you said lemming, by telling her, the OP was announcing he valued a little device more than he valued her company. 

No woman, no person, wants to hear that. 

And he wonders why he continues getting rejected.  SMH

 

 

I had a woman ask me 2 years ago............."what else do you want to do? after a 1st date.       But never have someone asked what are your plans the rest of the day

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

I wasnt quite sure how to answer that question, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?     If I was able to rewind time what would I say?

This would have been an invite to possibly do more with the person.

 

it’s good to have some ideas in place on possible but simple stuff ….stuff that give you conversation items like

 

1. if you are in an area of pedestrian stores you could walk around those. 
2. if there is a park you can walk around an open area

3.  If there is a museum ir farmers market near you you can do that. On weekends areas have street festivals.

4. or you can throw it at her..I have no plans woukd you like to do something?

 

don’t do movies or events that require tickets purchased ahead.

[IntBrowser]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

This would have been an invite to possibly do more with the person.

 

it’s good to have some ideas in place on possible but simple stuff ….stuff that give you conversation items like

 

1. if you are in an area of pedestrian stores you could walk around those. 
2. if there is a park you can walk around an open area

3.  If there is a museum ir farmers market near you you can do that. On weekends areas have street festivals.

4. or you can throw it at her..I have no plans woukd you like to do something?

 

don’t do movies or events that require tickets purchased ahead.

She met me after getting off work and already said after we ate that she was tired and was going home to go to sleep.     So when she asked me my plans was for the rest of the day I said going home to watch college football.    Now do you see why I said that?      She works saturdays 9 to 3pm

[basil67]

On 9/17/2021 at 11:54 AM, IntBrowser said:

it was a moment during the date where I thought I lost my phone and the waitress found it.    I was saying to her that the date almost ended because it was no way I could still be on a date and my phone was gone.     She said she still would have stayed if she discovered she lost her phone.     How could anyone continue a date knowing your phone is gone?

I missed this earlier. 

I too would have stayed if I'd lost my phone.   Why would you have been unable to continue the date without your phone?  And if you'd gone home because it was lost, what would that achieve?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

I wasnt quite sure how to answer that question, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?     

It's small talk. Relax. It's a way of getting to know you but also to see if you are interested in prolonging the date.

The answer is simple. Honesty. If you are busy or just want to watch sports, just say so.

If you're not interested, then don't prolong the date. It's really that simple.

[Foxhall]

9 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

I wasnt quite sure how to answer that question, what are your plans for the rest of the evening?     If I was able to rewind time what would I say?

Just reading a bit of the thread there,

what comes across is you are overly bogged down with negative thoughts,

who knows the next date might be better than the last one, dont be beaten before you even start

answer in a positive way- be upbeat- even if your plan is merely going for a walk or something.

 

[smackie9]

I agree you need to change. I hope you can find a way to stop being so negative/ hard on yourself. People are attracted to positivity hands down. You can be fat balding, etc... when you are happy go lucky witty, you would most likely get a second date. Women think with their emotions and are attracted to confidence, and witty charm. It's all in how you carry yourself. Stop being so intense!

Edited September 18, 2021 by smackie9

[IntBrowser]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's small talk. Relax. It's a way of getting to know you but also to see if you are interested in prolonging the date.

The answer is simple. Honesty. If you are busy or just want to watch sports, just say so.

If you're not interested, then don't prolong the date. It's really that simple.

but it didnt come off as wanting to do more.   Now one woman said this during the date after dinner..........."what else do you want to do?     Now that confirmed she wanted to spend more time.  

[basil67]

4 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

but it didnt come off as wanting to do more.  

And why is this a problem?  

Edited September 18, 2021 by basil67

[IntBrowser]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

And why is this a problem?  

some posters were saying that was her way of letting me know she wanted to spend more time with me.    I didnt see it like that

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

And why is this a problem?  

 

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

some posters were saying that was her way of letting me know she wanted to spend more time with me.    I didnt see it like that

 

Well, I guess they could have been right.  

I'm still confused about where you're seeing a problem.  Is the problem with your question or your response?

[Wiseman2]

Take a respite from dating for a while. It seems to be burning you out.

Is there pressure from friends and family to date? Why go through the motions only to keep sabotaging things?

[Happy Lemming]

On 9/16/2021 at 6:43 PM, IntBrowser said:

I think I will feature my thinning hair more.

Have you thought about shaving your head, completely??

I had a friend that was balding and just shaved all of the hair off his head.  He was a former Army Ranger and could bench press a small truck. He had NO PROBLEM picking up the ladies, as they seemed to like to rub his head. 

He used "not having hair" as an advantage, not a disadvantage to meeting/dating women.

[ChatroomHero]

Your original post doesn't add up. You say you were supposed to meet at 6:15 for reservations, got there early, texted her, then left by 6:30ish. At which point you say you noticed she had been calling you over and over for an hour "once (you) started leaving"??? which would mean when you texted her, you would have saw her calls then, 20 minutes before 6:15.

So later you post you would end a date if your phone was lost. But this girl called you, you admit the phone was on vibrate at least because you felt it go to off in your pocket as you started leaving. You expect anyone to believe that you got there 20 minutes early (which by that time you claim she had been already trying to call you if she had  been trying for over an hour at 6:30), and you were not constantly on your phone while waiting?

You expect anyone to believe that at 6:16 when she was late, you did not look at your phone and did not feel it vibrating in your pocket when she was calling over and over and you only noticed as you were leaving? 

Man, you know you had your phone out and were on it the whole time from the time you got there 20 minutes early until the time you left after 6:30, you had it on vibrate at least because you felt in in your pocket when she called...and you expect people to believe you didn't see her trying to call you over and over that entire time when you know you had your phone out and looking at it while waiting?

I'm going to have to call fake on this one.

 

[spiderowl]

On 9/16/2021 at 1:37 AM, IntBrowser said:

I had a date on saturday and I had a fresh haircut and a brand new shirt on and felt that it went well.    We hugged at the beginning and end and had fun upbeat conversation.   I walked her to her car and then didnt text until monday.  Reservation for 615pm and I got there 20 mins early.         Then I sent a text letting her know I was there and will be in the park.     So It got to be 630pm and she didnt show up yet and then I started having self doubt because of what happened on saturday.      Thinking maybe she saw me and left so I decided to go ahead and go home because I was like.....
"i dont think I can handle two rejections in 4 days so let me just remove myself from this situation.     Once I started leaving  I could feel my phone ringing and ringing and it was her calling over and over for like an hour.     Looks like I need to take a break from dating for a while since the last 2 women I met didnt want to see me again.     And i didnt want to take a chance on 3 women in a row

 

So maybe if she was on time I wouldnt have had a chance to feel like I was not good enough.    I just had all these things going on in my head when I saw someone who looked exactly like her in the park.

It's great that you are getting dates, IntBrowser, but you are panicking and not following through to any conclusion.

Why did you not text the girl you met on Saturday until Monday?  She was probably feeling hurt and thinking you were not interested by then.

Is the 6.15 date a different girl?  Why are you dating two girls in a weekend if you have no intention of keeping in touch with them?

I'm not male so I don't know what it is like to make the running to meet a girl and then have her not want to see you again.  I would think that is very demoralising for any guy.  Another poster was right, you seem to be self-sabotaging.  Is it lack of confidence, do you think, or are you hurting these women in anticipation that they will hurt you?  It does not seem very good for either of you.

Maybe you are going into dates with the idea that every woman should want to continue dating with you,  when that's not true for anyone. Most people have failed dates or dates that just don't seem to go well.  Many dates do not end up in a relationship; people are just sensing each other out on the first date.  If the women who did not want a second date had decided they actually did, would you have been happy or did you have any doubts about them?  Try to see it as a mutual assessment kind of thing, rather than a make-or-break situation.  I know that's easier said than done.

Maybe you should approach dates more as a friends kind of thing?  I am going to meet this woman to see how we get on and that's all.  Treat it as a more casual kind of arrangement where you may or may not want to see each other again.  You are investing too much of your heart in these initial meetings.

It is worth remembering if you do not contact a woman fairly shortly after a date, she will assume you weren't interested.  If you leave it too long and then contact her, say a couple of days later, she will wonder how many other women you are dating and/or think you are playing a game.  If you are genuinely interested, say so, but don't put any pressure on her or yourself.

Edited September 25, 2021 by spiderowl