Had no idea my confidence was this low and ran away from a 1st meet last night due to fear of another rejection

September 16, 2021

I had a date on saturday and I had a fresh haircut and a brand new shirt on and felt that it went well. We hugged at the beginning and end and had fun upbeat conversation. I walked her to her car and then didnt text until monday. Reservation for 615pm and I got there 20 mins early. Then I sent a text letting her know I was there and will be in the park. So It got to be 630pm and she didnt show up yet and then I started having self doubt because of what happened on saturday. Thinking maybe she saw me and left so I decided to go ahead and go home because I was like.....
"i dont think I can handle two rejections in 4 days so let me just remove myself from this situation. Once I started leaving I could feel my phone ringing and ringing and it was her calling over and over for like an hour. Looks like I need to take a break from dating for a while since the last 2 women I met didnt want to see me again. And i didnt want to take a chance on 3 women in a row

So maybe if she was on time I wouldnt have had a chance to feel like I was not good enough. I just had all these things going on in my head when I saw someone who looked exactly like her in the park.

September 16, 2021

So let me see if I got this straight... You had a date and she was supposed to meet you at 6:15, at 6:30 she wasn't there, so you went home.

I usually give someone 30 minutes, but if your tolerance of 15 minutes late is unacceptable, that is fine. I'm a firm believer that 6:15 means 6:15, so I won't knock you for being upset that she was late.

You did the right thing, you got there early and she couldn't be bothered to be on time for the date.

Can you elaborate about your phone ringing after you left, did she leave a voicemail?? A text message??

As far as rejection, you have to let it go and not let it affect you. Like water off a duck's back...

Is your question about how to build confidence?? How to handle rejection?? How to let things go?? How to handle your date not showing up or showing up late??

Personally, I always schedule a first date (or date where we are meeting and I'm not picking her up) at a restaurant/bar combination. I get to the date early and order a Guinness for myself (at the bar), if the woman is 30 minutes late, I order myself a steak. If she shows up after that, she can join me at the bar. If she doesn't show up at all, I'll eat my steak order another Guinness and enjoy the balance of my evening, by myself. Either way, I get a nice dinner and a few pints of my favorite beer.

September 16, 2021

Based on your previous threads, you self-sabotage. A lot.

What are you going to do about that?

September 16, 2021

2

Maybe I missed it, but are they actually turning you down? Saturday Girl was a different girl than the 615pm date who didnt arrive on time but was calling off the hook?? Just want to be clear. So youre not having issues getting interest. Its keeping that interest?

Were you not interested in the girl you saw on Saturday? Did she actually ghost you/ignore you or what, because you just say you texted 2 days after your date but dont elaborate on what she has said/hasnt said.

Then 615pm girl - women and men are late to things. It doesn't bother me as much as it may bother others, but I do believe people should be on time and people ARE on time when its a priority. It shows lack of priority or importance when someone shows up late. Now, not everyone thinks like I do. Acceptions can also be made depending on why someone is late. Did you even answer or speak to her after? It doesnt sound like she is turning you down if she was calling you? Did you just assume it was a rejection?

Sometimes women also get SUPER nervous too and take more time to get ready or run late or, or, or... it seems you left 15 minutes after your date time and then never spoke to her again?

Edited September 16, 2021 by Daisydooks

September 16, 2021

I guess it depends on where you live but 15 minutes late, or even 30 mins., can reasonably occur around here. Despite anyone's best planning, traffics, road work, and accidents are common enough to ruin any best laid plans. In fact the other day encountered all 3threethat turned a 5 minute trip across town into 20 min. Enough dead zones for phone service and on top of that it is illegal to text while a driver (even if not moving it seems) that would not expect to necessarily receive a text if they are in transit.

I tend to not wait in that if they were late would just go in and would let them know where I am at in the place, and no worries going to grab a drink while waiting. That is turn it into whatever you would do anyway. That is why I am a huge proponent of the first meet/date being something you would do on your own anyway so there is no disappointment or stress if you need to wait. As I like to drink beer and wine and try out brew pubs and the like, it made my dating life pretty easy.

September 16, 2021

14 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

Once I started leaving I could feel my phone ringing and ringing and it was her calling over and over for like an hour. Looks like I need to take a break from dating for a while

Good idea to take a break if you can't wait 15 min, then ignore calls and run.

September 16, 2021

21 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

So let me see if I got this straight... You had a date and she was supposed to meet you at 6:15, at 6:30 she wasn't there, so you went home.

I usually give someone 30 minutes, but if your tolerance of 15 minutes late is unacceptable, that is fine. I'm a firm believer that 6:15 means 6:15, so I won't knock you for being upset that she was late.

You did the right thing, you got there early and she couldn't be bothered to be on time for the date.

Can you elaborate about your phone ringing after you left, did she leave a voicemail?? A text message??

As far as rejection, you have to let it go and not let it affect you. Like water off a duck's back...

Is your question about how to build confidence?? How to handle rejection?? How to let things go?? How to handle your date not showing up or showing up late??

Personally, I always schedule a first date (or date where we are meeting and I'm not picking her up) at a restaurant/bar combination. I get to the date early and order a Guinness for myself (at the bar), if the woman is 30 minutes late, I order myself a steak. If she shows up after that, she can join me at the bar. If she doesn't show up at all, I'll eat my steak order another Guinness and enjoy the balance of my evening, by myself. Either way, I get a nice dinner and a few pints of my favorite beer.

I panicked and couldnt stomach another rejection. I am 0 for 3 in last 3 meets. 1 in July, 1 in aug and 1 in sept. So I need to get my confidence back up. The last time someone wanted to see me again, I needed a haircut and had on a old shirt. This time, I had a new fresh hair cut and a new shirt. Makes no sense

When she was calling she didnt leave a message, just a text saying.........."why are you acting like this?

September 17, 2021

43 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

I panicked and couldnt stomach another rejection. I am 0 for 3 in last 3 meets. 1 in July, 1 in aug and 1 in sept. So I need to get my confidence back up. The last time someone wanted to see me again, I needed a haircut and had on a old shirt. This time, I had a new fresh hair cut and a new shirt. Makes no sense

When she was calling she didnt leave a message, just a text saying.........."why are you acting like this?

I’m confused in your story. Did you have first meeting thrn left after 15 min?

dud you pick a place where traffic could be bad or a place she wasn’t familiar with?

September 17, 2021

37 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

I panicked and couldnt stomach another rejection. I am 0 for 3 in last 3 meets. 1 in July, 1 in aug and 1 in sept. So I need to get my confidence back up.

Please don't think that I didn't get rejected, because I did... more times then I can remember. Rejection is just part of the dating game. I've been dumped for all manner of reasons (as well), never cared what the reason was... just grabbed a shower and headed out looking for the next one.

42 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

When she was calling she didnt leave a message, just a text saying.........."why are you acting like this?

You may have thrown away a chance to meet a really nice person, but its water under the bridge, now.

44 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

So I need to get my confidence back up.

All I can say is keep dating. Be prepared. Have some happy subjects ready (in the back of your mind) if the conversation lulls. Confidence will grow the more times you go out and date.

September 17, 2021

21 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Based on your previous threads, you self-sabotage. A lot.

What are you going to do about that?

Maybe shave the beard and have conversation that is not friendly or neutral

September 17, 2021

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Please don't think that I didn't get rejected, because I did... more times then I can remember. Rejection is just part of the dating game. I've been dumped for all manner of reasons (as well), never cared what the reason was... just grabbed a shower and headed out looking for the next one.

You may have thrown away a chance to meet a really nice person, but its water under the bridge, now.

All I can say is keep dating. Be prepared. Have some happy subjects ready (in the back of your mind) if the conversation lulls. Confidence will grow the more times you go out and date.

I think I will feature my thinning hair more. Maybe its not evident in the pics I was using.

September 17, 2021

21 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

2

Maybe I missed it, but are they actually turning you down? Saturday Girl was a different girl than the 615pm date who didnt arrive on time but was calling off the hook?? Just want to be clear. So youre not having issues getting interest. Its keeping that interest?

Were you not interested in the girl you saw on Saturday? Did she actually ghost you/ignore you or what, because you just say you texted 2 days after your date but dont elaborate on what she has said/hasnt said.

Then 615pm girl - women and men are late to things. It doesn't bother me as much as it may bother others, but I do believe people should be on time and people ARE on time when its a priority. It shows lack of priority or importance when someone shows up late. Now, not everyone thinks like I do. Acceptions can also be made depending on why someone is late. Did you even answer or speak to her after? It doesnt sound like she is turning you down if she was calling you? Did you just assume it was a rejection?

Sometimes women also get SUPER nervous too and take more time to get ready or run late or, or, or... it seems you left 15 minutes after your date time and then never spoke to her again?

The date from saturday I thought went well. Now I was late because the stupid uber driver got off at the wrong exit on the highway so I arrived 15 mins after the reservation. Once I arrived we hugged and had brunch and talked and laughed. She asked what my plans were for the rest of the day and I said I am going to watch college football with a few friends. I wasnt quite sure how to answer that question because I am not asked that too often after a date. So I walked her to her car which was a 15 min walk. And then contacted her on monday morning by text and never got a reply back

it was a moment during the date where I thought I lost my phone and the waitress found it. I was saying to her that the date almost ended because it was no way I could still be on a date and my phone was gone. She said she still would have stayed if she discovered she lost her phone. How could anyone continue a date knowing your phone is gone?

September 17, 2021

9 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

Maybe its not evident in the pics I was using.

Have you thought about attempting to meet women in "real life" instead of using on-line dating??

Talking to women (in real life) at various venues will definitely build your confidence!!

Is your area on any "lock down" restrictions??

September 17, 2021

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

I’m confused in your story. Did you have first meeting thrn left after 15 min?

dud you pick a place where traffic could be bad or a place she wasn’t familiar with?

she lived 5 mins from the place and I lived 35 mins away. Yes it was a 1st meet and I take a chance on a rejection the day before I go to work. If it was a day I was off the next day then maybe I would have stayed. She picked the place and made the reservation

September 17, 2021

12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you thought about attempting to meet women in "real life" instead of using on-line dating??

Talking to women (in real life) at various venues will definitely build your confidence!!

Is your area on any "lock down" restrictions??

hell no, I can barely talk to a coworker I have a crush on so I know I cant talk to strangers in public.

September 17, 2021

1 minute ago, IntBrowser said:

so I know I cant talk to strangers in public.

Would you like some help in learning how to do that??

September 17, 2021

35 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Would you like some help in learning how to do that??

51 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you thought about attempting to meet women in "real life" instead of using on-line dating??

Talking to women (in real life) at various venues will definitely build your confidence!!

Is your area on any "lock down" restrictions??

therr is a difference in talking to women vs being able to read women on dating.

im someone who can talk to woman such as st work ir if I have a reason.

ive have had very little luck in random meets and getting a date. When I was younger in my early 20s I had an easier time in repeatedly seeing women and gradually talking to them which then led to dates.

Back in my 20s many I saw were also single.

online dating for me has helped considerably. E rn if I get to the point of having a conversation there is the issue of availability of them. With online I know they are looking and available. After that point I can easily talk to them.

September 17, 2021

Talk to a therapist. It sounds like you let "fear of rejection" sabotage a potential relationship. Rejection is part of dating. While I certainly don't blame you for feeling how you felt or anything, you're going to have a much easier time dealing with the realities of dating if you can let nervousness, fear of rejection, and actual rejection bounce off you. If a person finds you attractive then suddenly changes, there's a very good chance it has more to do with them than with you anyhow, e.g. they don't know what they want, have an ex they're still chasing, etc, etc.

If you looked good at the date, it's not a huge surprise she chased you a bit (all the calling). Many women will respond much more strongly to a man they find attractive. Keep that up - it can make all the difference IME.

September 17, 2021

3 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

I panicked and couldnt stomach another rejection. I am 0 for 3 in last 3 meets. 1 in July, 1 in aug and 1 in sept. So I need to get my confidence back up. The last time someone wanted to see me again, I needed a haircut and had on a old shirt. This time, I had a new fresh hair cut and a new shirt. Makes no sense

When she was calling she didnt leave a message, just a text saying.........."why are you acting like this?

Soooo, you actually rejected her. You didnt get rejected. You bailed on her when she was 15 min late (even though your uber driver had you arriving late to the date you had 2 nights before. So its totally ok for you to arrive late but a girl is rejecting you if she does AND CALLS?)

So why didnt you have patience for her when you yourself are late for things (beyond your control of course.)

It sounds like utter self sabotage to me. She didnt reject you though. You rejected her and ghosted her.

September 17, 2021

4 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

When she was calling she didnt leave a message, just a text saying.........."why are you acting like this?

And did you reply?

Shaving your beard is not going to resolve your deep, underlying anxiety about women and poor coping strategies.

September 17, 2021

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

therr is a difference in talking to women vs being able to read women on dating.

Which is something you can learn (with a little practice)

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

ive have had very little luck in random meets and getting a date.

It is not about luck... it is about game and skillz. When you practice talking to women in public venues, you develop game and skillz. Continue tapping on your phone and you will learn none of that. And if you get an actual (in person) date from these on-line dating services, you feel awkward and out of touch because you have not practiced talking to these women (in person).

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

online dating for me has helped considerably. E rn if I get to the point of having a conversation there is the issue of availability of them. With online I know they are looking and available. After that point I can easily talk to them.

And yet you are still having difficulty having a long term meaningful relationship with a quality woman...

September 17, 2021

Holy cow man, you need to calm down. I know, easier said than done.

Speaking as an older married guy, you need to approach dating as getting to know a person a little. Not thinking if this date doesn’t go well, I’m not getting laid or getting married or whatever your goals are. I mean people, even women lol are two things at once, they are all the same and they are all interesting/unique.

Sometimes you can’t get to the interesting aspects if there’s no interest or chemistry on one side or the other but even if things don’t go to date number two, it’s all practice and I don’t know, people are fascinating if you can take a chill pill and relax a bit.

September 17, 2021

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Talk to a therapist. It sounds like you let "fear of rejection" sabotage a potential relationship. Rejection is part of dating. While I certainly don't blame you for feeling how you felt or anything, you're going to have a much easier time dealing with the realities of dating if you can let nervousness, fear of rejection, and actual rejection bounce off you. If a person finds you attractive then suddenly changes, there's a very good chance it has more to do with them than with you anyhow, e.g. they don't know what they want, have an ex they're still chasing, etc, etc.

If you looked good at the date, it's not a huge surprise she chased you a bit (all the calling). Many women will respond much more strongly to a man they find attractive. Keep that up - it can make all the difference IME.

she never saw me, I left before she arrived

September 17, 2021

My right hand has never let me down

September 17, 2021

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Which is something you can learn (with a little practice)

It is not about luck... it is about game and skillz. When you practice talking to women in public venues, you develop game and skillz. Continue tapping on your phone and you will learn none of that. And if you get an actual (in person) date from these on-line dating services, you feel awkward and out of touch because you have not practiced talking to these women (in person).

And yet you are still having difficulty having a long term meaningful relationship with a quality woman...

Incorrect….

the issue is being able to read people. I suck at this. It is related to a medical condition I have. I have an aspergers lie form in ASD and I have prosopagnosia. I also have vision problems so reading eye contact from across the room us very hard.

I have friends who are female.

I dated peop,e who I met through where I worked but this was years ago before my career started. I have no problem dating someone from work provided she is not part of regular work. For example,e a project came up and you met someone in thus project. When it ended you wouldn’t run into this person again.

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Had no idea my confidence was this low and ran away from a 1st meet last night due to fear of another rejection

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