Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, Daisydooks said: Life doesnt have to be this difficult. Promise. Dump her, let her move out and renew your lease (if you want to stay there) without her. Healthy boundaries will prevent you from being loyal to the wrong people. Loyalty wasted on the wrong people isn't wise. Dont remain loyal to a fault. She has dumped you countless times and probably will again given the chance. So end it and listen to your gut. It is right. Can you imagine doing this forever? It sounds exhausting. ;( I think you're right regarding boundaries. This is my first real relationship so I find it hard to understand what are boundaries. I used to only do casual flings before this where boundaries were easy. I just did what I wanted and if the girl had a problem, it's on to the next one. But in a serious committed relationship, I believed that there has to be compromise. Maybe I compromised too much. But I also am not innocent here. I did do some terrible things that hurt her and she would give me multiple chances. But now the tables have turned, and i cannot do the same. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 13 minutes ago, thebannerlord said: I guess something about her apology feels different this time. She never fully admitted to being completely wrong before. The last time was 3 years ago when she was sorry for the way she was treating me. When I ask her in retrospect, what she was apologizing for, it was for not communicating her problems and jumping to breaking up. I guess now she finally admits to no more stone walling, no more yelling, and no more insults. Whether she changes or not is a different story. But she seems genuine and so a part of me thinks, why can't I give her another chance? Is this my gut telling me I dont trust her to change? Just be honest to yourself and admit that you are only afraid of change, of the unknown. This is not about love. You have said you don’t love her. Loving her qualities is not love. It is your mind rationalizing due to fear. I don’t blame you for feeling this way considering the way she treats you. Do you really want to live a life where you make decisions based on fears? Don’t be that person who continuously gets sucked back into an abusive relationship. You have to know that if you try again, it will be another 2-3 years of the same only to end up here again. It is a cycle that you cannot break from within. You may want to consider some individual counseling for yourself. Just think about a life where you have the freedom to be yourself. Do you even know who you are anymore? Serious question. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 7 hours ago, thebannerlord said: loyalty is one of my biggest core values Make sure not to confuse loyalty with toxic attachment and fear of the unknown. Most people in relationships value loyalty. But this is not what loyalty looks like. This is simply dysfunctional complacency.
Maldives Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 I've experienced something similar to your feelings she left and the sadness continues. People just give up so easily today. Why not try counselling on going counselling try and make it work. The sadness is you do have strong feelings that's from my own experience. You may just regret breaking up later. The breaking up and making up is not a good thing the quicker you both get some help with this the better. Suggest to her and try and relationship counselling
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 20 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: People just give up so easily today. I don't think multiple break-ups and make-ups qualifies as "giving up easily", to be fair. Not even close.
Wiseman2 Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, healing light said: Yelling and screaming over gum wrappers? Really? Agree. This is a parent child relationship. You're playing rebellious little boy and she's playing angry exasperated mommy. You're hanging on for all the wrong reasons. You're stunting your growth as a man and individual being under this shrews thumb. Get your own place. Learn to run your own household, cook, manage finances, live independently, etc. Edited September 16, 2021 by Wiseman2
Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 10 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: Just be honest to yourself and admit that you are only afraid of change, of the unknown. This is not about love. You have said you don’t love her. Loving her qualities is not love. It is your mind rationalizing due to fear. I don’t blame you for feeling this way considering the way she treats you. Do you really want to live a life where you make decisions based on fears? Don’t be that person who continuously gets sucked back into an abusive relationship. You have to know that if you try again, it will be another 2-3 years of the same only to end up here again. It is a cycle that you cannot break from within. You may want to consider some individual counseling for yourself. Just think about a life where you have the freedom to be yourself. Do you even know who you are anymore? Serious question. I admit that I am afraid of change. And it may be a factor in my inability to let go. But I keep feeling like there is something more to it. I didn't say I didn't love her, rather that I am open to the possibility that what I feel is love may be something else (like attachment). In reality, I don't know. And of course I do not want to live a life based on fear. This is why I spoke up and told her everything and after she saw I was serious, she came back to me offering to change. And even if I give her the benefit of the doubt, there is still something holding me back from committing. If she kept true to her words, 95% of my problems with her would probably be gone. I would then just need to take her requests into consideration, like she just wants me to stop ignoring her when she asks me to help clean up or follow the important rules of cleaning (things like making sure the fridge and table are clean). She freely admitted she has no right to yell at me and tell me how to organize things.But something keeps telling me that even if she follows through, don't come back in,
Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. This is a parent child relationship. You're playing rebellious little boy and she's playing angry exasperated mommy. You're hanging on for all the wrong reasons. You're stunting your growth as a man and individual being under this shrews thumb. Get your own place. Learn to run your own household, cook, manage finances, live independently, etc. The gum wrapper was more an example. She likes a really clean house and I have a bad habit of leaving stuff around. so she ends up having to pick up after me because those things dont bother me but they bother her. So after asking me several times, she got tired of it and started yelling. And now she admits no more yelling, no more telling me what to do about the things that don't matter, and I truly think shes being genuine, and yet, my gut still says dont go back.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 You can't change the other person. So ask yourself this: if she never changes, if everything about your relationship stays the same as it is now, but with the added pressures of kids, do you really want a lifetime of this with her? When you answer that Q, you will know what to do next. I'm a messy person too so if you aren't going to clean more, can you afford a housekeeper to keep the peace?
Wiseman2 Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 2 hours ago, thebannerlord said: I have a bad habit of leaving stuff around. so she ends up having to pick up after me because those things dont bother me but they bother her. Exactly, it's like a teen that needs mom to pick up after him. You need to become an independent grown man, yet you claim she needs to change? Maybe she's a shrew and excessively clean whatever, but tossing stuff around so your partner has to clean up after you is immature, disrespectful and passive-aggressive. Get your own place. Learn to live alone. Or move back home. 1
Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Exactly, it's like a teen that needs mom to pick up after him. You need to become an independent grown man, yet you claim she needs to change? Maybe she's a shrew and excessively clean whatever, but tossing stuff around so your partner has to clean up after you is immature, disrespectful and passive-aggressive. Get your own place. Learn to live alone. Or move back home. Just to note, I don’t do it to piss my partner, it’s just small things that I do acknowledge that I need to improve on. I do a good job on the weekly cleanings, like she doesn’t ask me to I just clean the house every weekend. It’s the small stuff that I just don’t notice. Basically we hit the point in our convo where she is willing to let things go if I’m willing to shape up. But yet something keeps preventing me from accepting. So I’m here trying to figure it out.
Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You can't change the other person. So ask yourself this: if she never changes, if everything about your relationship stays the same as it is now, but with the added pressures of kids, do you really want a lifetime of this with her? When you answer that Q, you will know what to do next. I'm a messy person too so if you aren't going to clean more, can you afford a housekeeper to keep the peace? If nothing truly changes then we obviously don’t work well together. She doesn’t like people who don’t keep everything clean and I don’t like being told what to do. but that’s not the situation. I have seen her improve herself and she sees me improving myself. We’re not trying to change out inherent personality (that never changes) but simply some behaviors. like she said she’s willing to let things go but what she hates above all is “my attitude”. This one always has me confused because mostly it’s just me telling her I’ll get to it later or it’s really not that big a deal that I didn’t close a kitchen cabinet. so idk, I think small changes in behavior could fix most of the problems but if truly nothing changes then no, I can’t keep going.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, thebannerlord said: like she said she’s willing to let things go but what she hates above all is “my attitude”. This one always has me confused because mostly it’s just me telling her I’ll get to it later or it’s really not that big a deal that I didn’t close a kitchen cabinet. It's not a big deal to you but it's huge & immediate to her. While you don't care about it, to her that open cabinet door or the delay in whatever -- taking out the garbage, picking up the gum wrapper -- feels like a pebble in her shoe -- it's a major annoyance that she needs addressed right away.
Author thebannerlord Posted September 16, 2021 Author Posted September 16, 2021 31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's not a big deal to you but it's huge & immediate to her. While you don't care about it, to her that open cabinet door or the delay in whatever -- taking out the garbage, picking up the gum wrapper -- feels like a pebble in her shoe -- it's a major annoyance that she needs addressed right away. Right and my issue was always that it does not justify yelling and fighting. it takes .2 seconds for her to close the cabinet door. Like she will sometimes forget a couple things that bother me like not turning the lights off in a room shes not in. So what do I do? I just turn the lights off and go on about my day. This is what she is claiming she will try to do. But now despite me even willing to believe her, I cant go through with getting back together for some reason
Wiseman2 Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 1 hour ago, thebannerlord said: Basically we hit the point in our convo where she is willing to let things go if I’m willing to shape up. Ok. All in all it sounds like misery you tolerate out of routine, convenience and familiarity. After 4 years plus living together for a year you'll never "figure her out". What you don't know is life without her now. It could be great with someone not so witchy. It's the devil you now thing.
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2021 Posted September 16, 2021 1 hour ago, thebannerlord said: Right and my issue was always that it does not justify yelling and fighting. it takes .2 seconds for her to close the cabinet door. Like she will sometimes forget a couple things that bother me like not turning the lights off in a room shes not in. So what do I do? I just turn the lights off and go on about my day. This is what she is claiming she will try to do. But now despite me even willing to believe her, I cant go through with getting back together for some reason Understood but go back to my original Q. Do you want a lifetime of the screaming & yelling? You can't go through with getting back together because you know that this relationship is not healthy.
Whodatdog Posted September 19, 2021 Posted September 19, 2021 A relationship breakup is not unlike quitting drugs. You know its the right thing to do to get healthy and continue your life in a more positive way, but its HARD. You're breaking a habit that you've had for a long time. But as long as you are staying in a relationship that you really dont want to be in, you dont have the option of finding a better relationship.
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