Not sure if I should continue my relationship

[thebannerlord]

Hello everyone!  I made an account here to ask for some perspective on my relationship. I am 27 and my girlfriend is 31. We have been together for 4 years. The first year we nearly broke up because we were always fighting and each fight would end in her threatening to break up. This caused me so much stress that I basically gave up and tried to end it but she finally came around and apologized for everything and promised to do better. I initially had a gut feeling to leave but ignored it and forgave her. 

Things got better, she stopped flipping out over everything and would try to explain why she would be upset. But if I did not agree, it would lead to fights which was a pattern for 2 years. We then went several months without fighting so I thought it was a sign we figured our stuff out. she proposed moving in together since both of our leases were up and I figured it would be a great test of our relationship. It did not go well overall. We fought several times over household chores because our expectations of cleanliness were different but she would try to enforce her boundaries with such effort that it would come off as controlling or rude to me. I think we "broke up" about 5 times during this year.

Now our lease is expiring so we had a conversation on how we're going to continue and it did not go well. We couldn't agree on boundaries. She then broke up with me and I was annoyed. I left to my parents' house for the weekend to get some distance and when I came back things became so different. Usually I will blow off some steam for a couple hours to maybe a day and then want to talk to her to patch things up. This time, any time I try, I get this extremely strong gut feeling that I shouldn't. I started wondering if i was too attached and the distance helped me wake up. She tried to offer me several chances to get back in and every single time my gut says to not do it even if my heart says I should try. So I told her no, and as soon as it feels like she's gone, I find myself devastated and unable to let her go. 

I try to think of her qualities and she has some great qualities that I love in a woman. She's incredibly loyal, dependable, ambitious, knows how to manage the house, is always giving me insightful advice, and supports my goals and dreams. But I guess the main bad qualities is her temper, her ability to say rude things when she is mad, threats of breaking up, and stonewalling. She has pledged to stop doing this and is asking for one more chance. 

I am stuck in a loop where my gut feeling (which I can't seem to explain) is telling me to get out but as soon as its confirmed, I find myself incredibly sad and unable to let go. A part of me is telling me to give her one more chance, particularly her last offer of finding a place that I can afford myself and moving there, and if things do not work out in 2 months, she will move out and I will live alone. It seems to mitigate most of my risk but even then, my gut feeling keeps telling me to let it go. 

I guess Im wondering if anyone can help me figure out what this gut feeling is and if I should listen to it. When I try to explain it, I can think of a few theories but ultimately can't decide.

One is that I am just tired and have had enough. That even though I love her, the fighting has eroded my will to continue and now my gut is telling me to just get out now. But its weird, I try to imagine if she keeps to her word and actually does everything, a part of me still feels like I won't be satisfied. 

Another theory was that I just really want to be single. Even during relatively peaceful times, especially recently, I would find myself fantasizing about being with other women. Its not a healthy mindset, but I am wondering if my gut is telling me to find someone who suits me better or telling me that I am not done playing the field. I used to always debate with myself, what would happen if I found a girlfriend before I had achieved all I wanted in dating. And I feared that it might happen. 

Another one is that I am afraid of commitment. This one is related to the above but more specifically, I am 27 and while its not unreasonable to settle down, a part of me still feels its too soon and I know that if things work out, then we're headed for marriage territory. My girlfriend never pressured me but I know that if we want kids and stuff, we're gonna have to get married in a few years. and the thought of being married is a huge commitment that kind of scares me. 

Last one is that I just don't love her anymore. I feel like I do, I still feel some relief seeing her and a part of me truly grieves losing her, but I wonder if these feelings are just typical of losing an LTR partner. Plus there is also the natural fear of change and breaking up means I have to find a new place to live and redo my lifestyle. But this one gets weird because one of the things that give me relief is that breakups do not have to be forever. That if we split up now and take some time for ourselves, maybe figure out what we need in a partner and get some perspective, we can maybe come back if we still love each other. But then at that point, why even break up? seems like a roundabout way to end up together again. Although, maybe a breakup is needed. a few months to really help me understand if I need her in my life. If I find myself longing for her and truly loving her still months out after a breakup, then maybe I will know for sure? but she is not a toy or someone to wait on me. It would be unfair to break up and still have expectations that she will stay single and be willing to take me back after i had left. 

 

Would love any thoughts or comments to help me break this cycle. I need to answer quickly on whether we will continue living together or we will go our separate ways. Currently, I told her to go look for other places so if I say nothing, she will be gone. So sorry its so long, I have just been grappling with this for weeks. 

Edited September 15, 2021 by thebannerlord

[d0nnivain]

The break up make up cycle is evidence of dysfunction.   The number of times you have broken up is ridiculous.  Neither of you has good conflict resolution skills especially when it comes to each other.  

Breaking up & change are scary but they are better than staying in this relationship that is not working.  You probably aren't afraid of commitment per se.  You just subconsciously know this isn't right so you understandably hold back.  

[thebannerlord]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The break up make up cycle is evidence of dysfunction.   The number of times you have broken up is ridiculous.  Neither of you has good conflict resolution skills especially when it comes to each other.  

Breaking up & change are scary but they are better than staying in this relationship that is not working.  You probably aren't afraid of commitment per se.  You just subconsciously know this isn't right so you understandably hold back.  

 

Right I totally agree that the break up cycle is dysfunctional. I feel like most of the break ups weren't "real" breakups but something said in the moment, which points to poor conflict resolution skills as you said. in terms of real break ups, its probably twice. Once when I initiated in the first year, and once when she did a few months ago. 

 

I guess I can't seem to reconcile this relationship not being right for me with everything that is right in this as well as my love for her. Would you say I just bite bullet and break up despite my despair at never seeing her again? 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

What is your other option -- a lifetime of this?  The fights will only get worse when you disagree about childrearing.  

[thebannerlord]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What is your other option -- a lifetime of this?  The fights will only get worse when you disagree about childrearing.  

 

I guess the other option is trying it one more time to see if we can make it work. A true last chance. And if it doesn't work out then we truly break up for good. 

I guess this is where the dilemma really comes in. Even if I try to convince myself that it will work, a part of me still wants out. this is what I can't explain. Like I said, theres a few possible reasons but if it is as you said, that deep down this relationship isn't right for me, then if she were to fix her problems, then I should be willing to try. Or maybe its the fact that Im worried I will get attached again and the cycle continues? idk. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

If the fighting and the verbal abuse are making you sad, the best thing for you is to break up. You need to  find someone who will respect you. Continuous Verbal abuse should never be tolerated.

If you really really want to make it work, then whenever she starts a fight just stay calm. Don't make the situation worse by fighting back. By you staying calm, she will calm down. If you try to continue the fight, it will get worse because she will just get madder.

[thebannerlord]

10 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

If the fighting and the verbal abuse are making you sad, the best thing for you is to break up. You need to  find someone who will respect you. Continuous Verbal abuse should never be tolerated.

If you really really want to make it work, then whenever she starts a fight just stay calm. Don't make the situation worse by fighting back. By you staying calm, she will calm down. If you try to continue the fight, it will get worse because she will just get madder.

 

Right, I dont want to tolerate any further insults or yelling. But the dilemma is, she seems genuine about changing but even if i try to believe her, something seems off which is preventing me from giving her another chance. 

 

And right I shouldn't make things worse in an argument by yelling back. I try my best not to do anything like that. But sometimes she thinks not agreeing is rude to her cuz i dont take care of her feelings. At that point, no matter how nice I am, the fighting starts to escalate. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, thebannerlord said:

Now our lease is expiring.  help me break this cycle.

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like chronic discord, drama and general incompatibility. She seems like a shrew.

Use the golden opportunity of the lease ending to look for someplace else.

Do Not Tell her until After you have found something. 

Skip all discussions of continuing to avoid conflict and chaos.

But...be honest about thinking moving forward apart is a better option, when the time is right.

[thebannerlord]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like chronic discord, drama and general incompatibility. She seems like a shrew.

Use the golden opportunity of the lease ending to look for someplace else.

Do Not Tell her until After you have found something. 

Skip all discussions of continuing to avoid conflict and chaos.

But...be honest about thinking moving forward apart is a better option, when the time is right.

 

A bit too late to not tell her. She asked me a few times to continue and I said no so the default answer is we're splitting up. But every time I think about it, it fills me with so much pain and i try to imagine how we can fix things. I worry its just incompatibility. But every time I imagine if she promises to fix everything, why can't I give her a chance even under relatively safe circumstances? Finding a place thats mine and she lives with me but if things don't work out in 2 months, that she leaves. 

[Sun Seeker]

I'm confused how you can be not sure whether to continue or not.

A good relationship does not involve constant fighting and multiple breaking up/getting back together.

It's clear as day you are both not compatible and it's time to end things.

[thebannerlord]

17 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

I'm confused how you can be not sure whether to continue or not.

A good relationship does not involve constant fighting and multiple breaking up/getting back together.

It's clear as day you are both not compatible and it's time to end things.

 

Well like I said, she has qualities that I like and I love her ( I think). We have grown a lot for each other and I guess it's hard for me to not consider giving her one more chance when she has finally become so self aware of the issues. But every time I think to try, my gut feeling activates. That's what I am trying to figure out. 

[glows]

You're emotionally attached and confused because it's difficult to start over or reimagine a new life. I would think that the way you think about her, feeling relief at the thought of being single and moving past a break up are all contributing factors for your behaviour and why she gets so pissed and angry with you. It's not an excuse to be verbally or emotionally abusive but you're both not doing each other any favours at all. The way you think impacts her. The way she behaves impacts you. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, thebannerlord said:

why can't I give her a chance even under relatively safe circumstances? Finding a place thats mine and she lives with me but if things don't work out in 2 months, that she leaves. 

Becuase when you need to resort to this ridiculous plan...the relationship is well past over. 

You two are beating a horse that's been dead for ages. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, thebannerlord said:

if she promises to fix everything, why can't I give her a chance even under relatively safe circumstances?

4 years is a long long time to hope someone changes. Plus living together made the incompatibility even more unbearable.

Reflect carefully if, since you started dating her when you were 23 and she was 27, you're not dependent on her in a motherly sort of way.

[thebannerlord]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

You're emotionally attached and confused because it's difficult to start over or reimagine a new life. I would think that the way you think about her, feeling relief at the thought of being single and moving past a break up are all contributing factors for your behaviour and why she gets so pissed and angry with you. It's not an excuse to be verbally or emotionally abusive but you're both not doing each other any favours at all. The way you think impacts her. The way she behaves impacts you. 

 

I'm sorry are you saying the way I have been thinking is impacting the way she has been acting? I mean I can see it in our most recent fight but I was always faithful and believed in our relationship until 2 weeks ago (with the exception of a couple of pretty bad fights).

Her main complaints had been me not being good at the small stuff for cleaning (like closing cabinet doors, wiping down counter tops, leaving gum wrappers on the table). So we proposed a compromise where I  do more of the organized chores while she handles day to day stuff.  Im not sure how my uncertainty impacted that. 

But I do agree that we seem to winding each other up. I am by nature very relaxed about things which leads me to do things she hates and be unable to change my habits, but then I get all wrapped up in the idea that regardless of my habits, she should not be yelling at me. 

 

[thebannerlord]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

4 years is a long long time to hope someone changes. Plus living together made the incompatibility even more unbearable.

Reflect carefully if, since you started dating her when you were 23 and she was 27, you're not dependent on her in a motherly sort of way.

 

Hmm I think maybe we fell into that dynamic a bit. She is a natural care giver and I am young and inexperienced but learning. Idk if this dynamic has negatively influenced how I feel about her. 

[glows]

Just now, thebannerlord said:

I'm sorry are you saying the way I have been thinking is impacting the way she has been acting? I mean I can see it in our most recent fight but I was always faithful and believed in our relationship until 2 weeks ago (with the exception of a couple of pretty bad fights).

Her main complaints had been me not being good at the small stuff for cleaning (like closing cabinet doors, wiping down counter tops, leaving gum wrappers on the table). So we proposed a compromise where I  do more of the organized chores while she handles day to day stuff.  Im not sure how my uncertainty impacted that. 

But I do agree that we seem to winding each other up. I am by nature very relaxed about things which leads me to do things she hates and be unable to change my habits, but then I get all wrapped up in the idea that regardless of my habits, she should not be yelling at me. 

 

I'm saying that it's not realistic to believe that your partner has no idea that you have one foot out the door, meaning you often think or daydream for example about being single or being with other women. Once you've been with someone you're aware acutely of their behaviours and the way they speak or behave around you. I'm very certain she's aware that you are not 100% in it and haven't been for awhile. Both of you are incompatible and can't fight well or give each other enough respect during disagreements. It causes more resentment, you want to pull away and the cycle continues.

[thebannerlord]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm saying that it's not realistic to believe that your partner has no idea that you have one foot out the door, meaning you often think or daydream for example about being single or being with other women. Once you've been with someone you're aware acutely of their behaviours and the way they speak or behave around you. I'm very certain she's aware that you are not 100% in it and haven't been for awhile. Both of you are incompatible and can't fight well or give each other enough respect during disagreements. It causes more resentment, you want to pull away and the cycle continues.

 

Oh thats actually a good point now that I think about it. Maybe my attitude has impacted her and causes a cycle. 

 

Would you say I should just break it off or you think it may be worth trying again? Most of the other posters are saying its time to move on as this relationship is beyond saving. Logically I can agree, but loyalty is one of my biggest core values so combined with my love for her, its making it difficult to let go. 

[glows]

14 minutes ago, thebannerlord said:

 

Oh thats actually a good point now that I think about it. Maybe my attitude has impacted her and causes a cycle. 

 

Would you say I should just break it off or you think it may be worth trying again? Most of the other posters are saying its time to move on as this relationship is beyond saving. Logically I can agree, but loyalty is one of my biggest core values so combined with my love for her, its making it difficult to let go. 

So go back to that - what is loyalty in a relationship to you? Is it being physically exclusive with someone only or is it also being loyal in spirit or heart in other ways (mentally, emotionally)? If you're thinking of being with other women, is this loyal to you?

Yes, most people pick up on this.. very quickly and are very aware. One sure litmus test I use when I know that is it for me is asking myself if I respect this person, despite flaws and misunderstandings or disagreements because let's be real here. Most relationships have some of these. If I can't respect that person or there's no trust, there is no hiding that. It's over then. You may love her but you may not respect or trust the way she thinks or reacts. That could be a dealbreaker for you but you need to determine that.

[thebannerlord]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

So go back to that - what is loyalty in a relationship to you? Is it being physically exclusive with someone only or is it also being loyal in spirit or heart in other ways (mentally, emotionally)? If you're thinking of being with other women, is this loyal to you?

Yes, most people pick up on this.. very quickly and are very aware. One sure litmus test I use when I know that is it for me is asking myself if I respect this person, despite flaws and misunderstandings or disagreements because let's be real here. Most relationships have some of these. If I can't respect that person or there's no trust, there is no hiding that. It's over then. You may love her but you may not respect or trust the way she thinks or reacts. That could be a dealbreaker for you but you need to determine that.

 

I guess loyalty was always mainly about physical because emotional disloyalty I feel can be taken back. But once your girlfriend bangs another dude, there is no taking that back. But you're right that I shouldn't be wavering. I guess on some level I thought it was normal because of what a lot of older married men tell me. They love their wives but they still see other beautiful women or maybe have a few fantasies. But they snap right back to Earth and be loyal to their wives. 

 

And ok so I need to look inside myself and see if I respect her and see how I feel abut the way she thinks. And if I don't, then the relationship will not last? 

[healing light]

Your gut is telling you to run. You guys are incompatible and it sounds like there would be a lifetime of misery ahead should you proceed.

Yelling and screaming over gum wrappers? Really?

I think you get overly sad and emotional about the thought of losing her because you've become addicted to the emotional toxicity and instability this relationship brings. It's not love, it's co-dependency and/or addiction. I would start reading some resources on emotionally abusive relationships and see if you can find commonalities with your situation. The stonewalling, screaming, constant breaking up, etc. tend to form a part of that picture that keeps people unable to make a clean break in many cases.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

10 hours ago, thebannerlord said:

 

I guess the other option is trying it one more time to see if we can make it work. A true last chance. And if it doesn't work out then we truly break up for good. 

I guess this is where the dilemma really comes in. Even if I try to convince myself that it will work, a part of me still wants out. this is what I can't explain. Like I said, theres a few possible reasons but if it is as you said, that deep down this relationship isn't right for me, then if she were to fix her problems, then I should be willing to try. Or maybe its the fact that Im worried I will get attached again and the cycle continues? idk. 

Trying one more time? How many one more times can there be?  
‘How likely is it that she or you will be able to change?

You are young and should be spending your time having fun and making memories, not fighting.
Life is short don’t waste it.  You grow old quickly and before you know it that time is gone.

‘Your gf is also older than you and her clock is ticking.  Don’t waste her child bearing years not being sure.  That is cruel.  If you love her then either commit or let her go. 
Grow up already.

[thebannerlord]

1 hour ago, healing light said:

Your gut is telling you to run. You guys are incompatible and it sounds like there would be a lifetime of misery ahead should you proceed.

Yelling and screaming over gum wrappers? Really?

I think you get overly sad and emotional about the thought of losing her because you've become addicted to the emotional toxicity and instability this relationship brings. It's not love, it's co-dependency and/or addiction. I would start reading some resources on emotionally abusive relationships and see if you can find commonalities with your situation. The stonewalling, screaming, constant breaking up, etc. tend to form a part of that picture that keeps people unable to make a clean break in many cases.

 

I have considered it and have looked into it. Some of it seems to connect, like how I make her happiness my responsibility (I think I messed up and shes now upset) which I find hard to draw the line on. Like once, she caught me staring at another chick and was really upset. I know im not responsible for her happiness but its clear I did something wrong to upset her. 

 

And the gum wrappers was just an example. Its little things around the house that pile up until its the straw that breaks the camel's back. Ive gotten her to get off my back over certain things and in her last request for a chance she told me shes willing to admit most of the things she was mad about is her own problem and won't bother me with it anymore. 

 

All the behaviors above she promises to stop doing. But maybe it has messed me up internally to the point where I cant seem to make a clean break. But it feels like its more now shes fully sorry and willing to make amends, but I just cannot accept it. 

 

 

[Daisydooks]

6 hours ago, thebannerlord said:

 

Oh thats actually a good point now that I think about it. Maybe my attitude has impacted her and causes a cycle. 

 

Would you say I should just break it off or you think it may be worth trying again? Most of the other posters are saying its time to move on as this relationship is beyond saving. Logically I can agree, but loyalty is one of my biggest core values so combined with my love for her, its making it difficult to let go. 

Life doesnt have to be this difficult. Promise. 

Dump her, let her move out and renew your lease (if you want to stay there) without her. 

Healthy boundaries will prevent you from being loyal to the wrong people.  Loyalty wasted on the wrong people isn't wise. Dont remain loyal to a fault.  She has dumped you countless times and probably will again given the chance. So end it and listen to your gut. It is right.

Can you imagine doing this forever? It sounds exhausting. ;(

[thebannerlord]

12 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Trying one more time? How many one more times can there be?  
‘How likely is it that she or you will be able to change?

You are young and should be spending your time having fun and making memories, not fighting.
Life is short don’t waste it.  You grow old quickly and before you know it that time is gone.

‘Your gf is also older than you and her clock is ticking.  Don’t waste her child bearing years not being sure.  That is cruel.  If you love her then either commit or let her go. 
Grow up already.

 

I guess something about her apology feels different this time. She never fully admitted to being completely wrong before. The last time was 3 years ago when she was sorry for the way she was treating me. When I ask her in retrospect, what she was apologizing for, it was for not communicating her problems and jumping to breaking up. I guess now she finally admits to no more stone walling, no more yelling, and no more insults. 

 

Whether she changes or not is a different story. But she seems genuine and so a part of me thinks, why can't I give her another chance? Is this my gut telling me I dont trust her to change?