Stalking.

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, it's been awhile since I created a thread but since this hits close to home, I thought it would make a good topic of discussion.

I would really like to know once and for all what’s behind stalking?  Both on socials and in REAL life.  

I have not as of yet found an answer that satisfies my curiosity about it.

I mean here on LS, we talk a lot about multi-dating, ghosting and other topics related to dating, but never stalking.

Is it a form of bullying?   Is the stalker angry at the stalkee?  In love with them?  Obsessed with them? 

I think it’s best to just ignore it, but if it escalates then what?  I have been stalked before and it’s quite unnerving.  I knew who it was and it felt like part obsession, part intimidation, part bullying.

I was never flattered, the opposite.  I felt demeaned, but maybe that’s their twisted sick intention?

I wasn’t in any physical danger so didn’t call police.  I ignored it, then moved, and eventually they stopped but it went on (off and on) for years!

The details don't matter so much as the psychology behind it.

Anyway, interested in your thoughts.

Thanks guys!

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

This is a really good question. It piqued my interest, so I had a little search.  What I quickly discovered is that different stalkers do it for different reasons - this all makes so much sense.

• The rejected stalker. This person was rejected in a relationship, and they perceive it as an insult, they feel wounded, and they are seeking vindication.
• The resentful stalker. These are self-righteous, self-pitying people who may threaten, but they are the least likely to act on it.
• The intimacy-seeking stalker. They believe they are loved or will be loved by the victim. Often they focus on someone of higher social status. This person is mentally ill and delusional.
• The incompetent. This person is socially backward. They don't really understand the social rules involved in dating and romance and don't mean any harm.
• The predator. This is about sex gratification, control, and violence. The stalker doesn't necessarily know the victim. The victim may not know they are being stalked. But a predator plans their attack, rehearses it, has lots of sexual fantasies about it

Which category do you think your stalker fell into?

Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/mind-stalker-why-torment-someone

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is a really good question. It piqued my interest, so I had a little search.  What I quickly discovered is that different stalkers do it for different reasons - this all makes so much sense.

• The rejected stalker. This person was rejected in a relationship, and they perceive it as an insult, they feel wounded, and they are seeking vindication.
• The resentful stalker. These are self-righteous, self-pitying people who may threaten, but they are the least likely to act on it.
• The intimacy-seeking stalker. They believe they are loved or will be loved by the victim. Often they focus on someone of higher social status. This person is mentally ill and delusional.
• The incompetent. This person is socially backward. They don't really understand the social rules involved in dating and romance and don't mean any harm.
• The predator. This is about sex gratification, control, and violence. The stalker doesn't necessarily know the victim. The victim may not know they are being stalked. But a predator plans their attack, rehearses it, has lots of sexual fantasies about it

Which category do you think your stalker fell into?

Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/mind-stalker-why-torment-someone

Thanks basil!  I bolded what I think applies. 

My stalker(s) were known to me.  It's as if they wanted me to know, and I think that was part of the game too!

Waiting, wanting me to react?  Like somehow they got off on it, my emotional reaction to it.  

I never gave them one. 

Thanks for the link, I will check it out.  

EDIT:  I just read the link, super interesting!  Although I think there are probably more reasons than what were given.

So if anyone else has additional insight, or personal experience, it would be much appreciated!!

 

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[Foxhall]

Poppyfields, I seem to want to share with you today!

I went though this myself in the form of being a stalker I suppose,

20 years ago, ill remember it now as the day or very close to the 9/11 tragedy,

yes college days and I had a girl come onto me, arm around me I want to be with you all that,

but I got stage fright- all class watching - no Im not able for this, made absolutely no response,

then it became obsessive - this girl never gave me another shot,

but I kept trying, texting her, sitting beside her in the lecture halls, waiting after classes,

anyway I was lucky I had a few good mates at the time, and they pulled me aside one day and says you know what this has got to stop, you are scaring the hell out of this girl,

 

think of the other persons feelings-

lol still making mistakes 20 years later.

I suppose to answer your question- obsession is the driving factor- the desire to somehow achieve the unobtainable fantasy.

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I suppose to answer your question- obsession is the driving factor- the desire to somehow achieve the unobtainable fantasy.

Ahh unrequited love.  Or what the stalker thinks is love.

Thank you for sharing Foxhall! 

I have had women stalk me too and I think in those cases, jealousy played a role. 

Especially on socials which is one reason why I got rid; I don't even have FB anymore, and I DON'T miss it either!

 

 

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

l've been stalked a few times.

One girl use to hang around outside my house , another use to walk by through the night but also at odd times through the day, both went on awhile , one was a few mths. They were in love with me, pretty simple.

Hoping for a glimpse or that l'd pop out or that they could see if l was seeing someone else and blah blah.

ps , another one drove a few times , about 100 k from her house and town across to mine , with her friends , and would drive past our property , same thing. She eventually started sending me some really expensive flower bokeh's that when l found out about the rest . She confessed in a note with one of them.

Guess what , with her, about 15yrs later when the internet was here, l was married by then a long time but l had email addresses and stuff, somehow she found it and an email popped up from her. What a feeling , creeped me out.

Edited September 13, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, chillii said:

l've been stalked a few times.

One girl use to hang around outside my house , another use to walk by through the night but also at odd times through the day, both went on awhile , one was a few mths. They were in love with me, pretty simple.

Hoping for a glimpse or that l'd pop out or that they could see if l was seeing someone else and blah blah.

Did you not find that creepy?  I dunno, maybe it's different for men, but even assuming the person was, or thought they were, "in love" with me (doubtful because stalking/obsession is not love), I felt intimidated and demeaned.

I found it disrespectful of my "space," and intrusive.  I wasn't flattered, I felt like someone feels when bullied.

It's a silent bullying.

Thanks for chiming in though chillii.  

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, chillii said:

Guess what , with her, about 15yrs later when the internet was here, l was married by then a long time but l had email addresses and stuff, somehow she found it and an email popped up from her. What a feeling , creeped me out.

Yup, exactly!  

[chillii]

Yeah sorry pop l was adding the other one when you posted. But yeah she was really creepy that one. Especially that email all those yrs later.

The night one yeah l was pretty sure she was harmless, l was only 19, actually 20 21 l think, didn't know wth to do with her tbh. She had a flat around the corner from mine so she could just pop past anytime day or night.  ps and nah your right it's not flattering at all , even for a guy , it is def' creepy , even scarey. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by chillii

[chillii]

Of course these days, whole nother matter things were pretty simple back in the day but these days, you don't know who's sane and who's not. God knows what they could be up to online too, especially for a female.

Edited September 14, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

Of course these days, whole nother matter things were pretty simple back in the day, but these days, you don't know who's sane and who's not. God knows what they could be up to online too, especially for a female.

Amen brother. 

Posted about that yesterday in a different thread about why I protect my private info and staying away from online.

Thanks again chillii and everyone who chimed in.  

Edited September 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

@poppyfields  I've read this thread.  I don't really have anything to add.

I just never understood what the stalker hoped to accomplish??  For example, a man and a woman date, then she decides she doesn't want to date this man anymore and breaks up with him.  So why stalk her, what does he think he is going to accomplish??  Does he think she'll want him back if he does this??  Scaring her is going to make sure she never wants to give this guy another chance.

To me... stalking seems like a lot of wasted effort, time and resources.  I mean I could be using that time to find a new woman to date.

In my experience, if the man in this scenario wants a second chance, the best thing to do is leave the woman alone. 

 

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@poppyfields  I've read this thread.  I don't really have anything to add.

I just never understood what the stalker hoped to accomplish??  For example, a man and a woman date, then she decides she doesn't want to date this man anymore and breaks up with him.  So why stalk her, what does he think he is going to accomplish??  Does he think she'll want him back if he does this??  Scaring her is going to make sure she never wants to give this guy another chance.

To me... stalking seems like a lot of wasted effort, time and resources.  I mean I could be using that time to find a new woman to date.

In my experience, if the man in this scenario wants a second chance, the best thing to do is leave the woman alone. 

 

Thanks Lemming.

You are a normal emotionally balanced person so of course you don't understand it nor see any purpose in it.

I don't either which is why I created the thread.

But I got to thinking about it last night and maybe the stalker is an emotionally balanced person too most of the time. 

But we are all capable of "losing it" when we get our hearts broken or we feel anxious or reality doesn't match the fantasy or whatever we expected or even just HOPED for!   I know I have. 

However, I have never stalked anyone, not to the extent that I was stalked, like you I see no purpose in it.

The most I have done is read back old messages, and maybe read their social media (when I had it) but I would hardly consider that stalking. 

For me it was mostly because at that moment, I was feeling nostalgic.

Anyway, I feel better today, thanks for chiming in.  😊

 

 

[ZA Dater]

On 9/14/2021 at 12:16 AM, poppyfields said:

Hey guys, it's been awhile since I created a thread but since this hits close to home, I thought it would make a good topic of discussion.

I would really like to know once and for all what’s behind stalking?  Both on socials and in REAL life.  

I have not as of yet found an answer that satisfies my curiosity about it.

I mean here on LS, we talk a lot about multi-dating, ghosting and other topics related to dating, but never stalking.

Is it a form of bullying?   Is the stalker angry at the stalkee?  In love with them?  Obsessed with them? 

I think it’s best to just ignore it, but if it escalates then what?  I have been stalked before and it’s quite unnerving.  I knew who it was and it felt like part obsession, part intimidation, part bullying.

I was never flattered, the opposite.  I felt demeaned, but maybe that’s their twisted sick intention?

I wasn’t in any physical danger so didn’t call police.  I ignored it, then moved, and eventually they stopped but it went on (off and on) for years!

The details don't matter so much as the psychology behind it.

Anyway, interested in your thoughts.

Thanks guys!

I think stalking can be a response from people have built an idea in their mind that that a particular person is the ONLY person for them, even if factually this is never the case, they get so lost in an idea that logic does not apply. In their eyes that person is simply perfect and the build that person up to be so. When that person rejects them them the illusion remains intact and the person then cannot let go, hence the need to stalk.

In my view its an sort of illness to some degree, all of us have been rejected, it does not lead us to stalk to the person. Stalking someone suggests the other person actually does not care because if they did they would not stalk because as you say they person being stalked feels demeaned.

For me I have never understood why people stalk, get over the rejection and live another day but I did know a guy who did stalk back in HS and it was him being absolutely obsessed with a particular person, he was very awkward and she was one of the best looking. His stalking got him nowhere and was actually profoundly unhealthy for him. 

Is it bullying, I would say it probably is, its trying to prove to a person you are not who they think you are after you have been rejected BUT significantly escalated to be an obsession.

Typically I think people who have little going on in their life are more inclined to stalk to some degree.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think stalking can be a response from people have built an idea in their mind that that a particular person is the ONLY person for them, even if factually this is never the case, they get so lost in an idea that logic does not apply. In their eyes that person is simply perfect and the build that person up to be so. When that person rejects them them the illusion remains intact and the person then cannot let go, hence the need to stalk.

In my view its an sort of illness to some degree, all of us have been rejected, it does not lead us to stalk to the person. Stalking someone suggests the other person actually does not care because if they did they would not stalk because as you say they person being stalked feels demeaned.

For me I have never understood why people stalk, get over the rejection and live another day but I did know a guy who did stalk back in HS and it was him being absolutely obsessed with a particular person, he was very awkward and she was one of the best looking. His stalking got him nowhere and was actually profoundly unhealthy for him. 

Is it bullying, I would say it probably is, its trying to prove to a person you are not who they think you are after you have been rejected BUT significantly escalated to be an obsession.

Typically I think people who have little going on in their life are more inclined to stalk to some degree.

Thank you ZA!  That was quite insightful. 😃

[Wiseman2]

The song was inspired by McLachlan's reaction to two deranged fans, both of whom had concocted a fantasy in which they were already in a relationship with her.

 

[chillii]

l dunno how Celebs cope with deranged fans , they must get 100s of them.

l wouldn't be a Celeb for anything.

[Alpacalia]

I think each case is different.

Many years ago I received images with things like the grim reaper, skeletons, things about death.

I knew who it was but I decided to move out of my apartment because I was too scared to be alone and he knew where I lived.

Thankfully, it stopped.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

I think each case is different.

This, yes. 

My only experience was years ago. It was a strange man I didn't know, had never seen. He continued showing up where I was, in different parts of my city, and approaching me with the same creepy (but not actually threatening) lines every time. It happened frequently enough to convince me that it was not a conincidence, and I went to the police. They too were quite sure my encounters with this man were not conincidental, and asked me all kinds of questions trying to determine how he knew who I was and where I would be on a given day. This was especially concerning because he was showing up at places I didn't routinely go, so he wouldn't have been able to guess that I would be in X place at X time out of habit. The police gave me tips to keep me safe and help record any further run-ins with him. 

I moved away from the city maybe a year after it started (for unrelated reasons), but I was always looking over my shoulder and wondering when and where he would appear. 

To this day, I have no idea who he was. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Taramere]

Although now and again I've been the recipient of unwanted romantic advances in my personal/social life, they haven't reached stalking levels.  Professionally, however, it's a different matter.  Professionally we don't get the same say in who we interact with as we get in our personal lives...and for me, that's where I've run into problems.  Years ago, I was stalked by a colleague who thought nothing of turning up at my flat on my days home and trying to persuade me to let him in.  I felt like I was assertive to the point of being downright aggressive with him, but it didn't seem to dissuade him one iota.

I encountered two pretty serious episodes of what I'd call resentment stalking from vexatious litigants when I worked as a court lawyer.  Fortunately the two episodes were spaced out over a lengthy period of years, because I don't know how I'd have coped if they'd both occurred at the same time.  These people are obsessive by nature, often male (sorry guys), seem to have fantasies about being a lawyer which they use their own litigious behaviour to act out... and a female lawyer on the other side of them is like a red rag to a bull.  Brings out all sorts of misogyny and competitiveness which can quickly become obsessive if the courts don't stamp on it.  Which they often don't, since a lot of judges believe they have to give endless latitude to people like that on the basis that they're representing themselves.  Ugh.  Never going back to that.  Never.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Taramere

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The police gave me tips to keep me safe and help record any further run-ins with him. 

Stalking is present in the majority of domestic violence murders.

Lax laws and, it seems, a failure by law enforcement to take stalking seriously perhaps because it takes so long for police to develop a case and there is such a tremendous burden to present evidence that there isn't enough time to devote to a stalking case.

So, it's even more difficult when it's someone you don't know, like in your case.

[QuietRiot]

There was this one woman that worked in a male dominated industry. Video games.  This was in Europe though, and she'd get male workers always asking about her personal life, including dating.  Since most people lived within walking distance from the workplace at surrounding apartments, there'd be this one guy that would wait to walk with her to work and try to get to know her on a personal level.

And it wasn't only ONE guy, it was more than one that would wind up kind of crossing boundaries. One took note that she liked a certain cartoon character, and the next day she'd get a "gift" on her desk of said character.

Or if the company had a social party, guys would get a little too familiar.

Although, they did nothing threatening (no touching or even sexual innuendo), they'd just make her uncomfortable by asking her personal questions about her life outside of work.

She had a "no dating anyone at work' policy, but it even sounds like she likes to keep her outside of work world apart from her work world....never the twain shall meet.

[ZA Dater]

I would say people who stalk are blind to the realities of life and in some respects this shows up in other aspects of their lives. Do not think stalking is the domain of only guys, I had a stalker of sorts for a while, she was besotted with me and left me very conflicted because on some level I felt sorry for her but on the other level I detested the level of unwanted attention I received. That's the awful thing about stalking because the person being stalked really does not enjoy that level of attention.

My view is in general most people in this world start out as good people, experiences and environments mould people along with the views and moral decisions people make, almost always the guys I knew who "stalked" had very little success with women, I had equally little success but for me stalking is wrong on many levels but these guys were for the most part totally selfish and because they had nothing going on in life had endless hours to try and devise ways of trying to reverse that rejection, which is fine if you intend to BETTER yourself.