Refuses to talk about problem

[Renae]

I've been dating a guy for a year or so. Anytime anything comes up, little or major arguments, he refuses to talk about it.  He will flat out say things like I'm not mad about it anymore.  What do you want for dinner tomorrow.  Or just ok.  I used to have problems telling people when they upset me.  I would just let it go and not say anything, but honestly I'm tired of taking peoples crap.  So I spoke up and told him he had upset me and he refuses to talk about it.  I wasn't psycho just said that his comment felt condescending.  

 

It's a day later and the whole interaction still bothers me.  I don't want to rehash it.  I don't want to be a nag.  But he never acknowledged my feels or apologized.  

 

So how do I resolve the argument with someone who refuses to discuss it?  How can I encourage him to talk about it?  I monitor my language.  I don't disrespect him in the conversation.  So how do I encourage him  to open up.  I feel like we are going to have the same argument over and over if we don't talk it through.  

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by Renae

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Renae said:

I spoke up and told him he had upset me and he refuses to talk about it.  I wasn't psycho just said that his comment felt condescending.  

It's ok for everyone to cool down and process. Avoid confrontations and insisting on apologies.

Give a few days and in a relaxed setting simply bring up some of your concerns.

Keep in mind not every single comment has to be argued about. 

He said something that was condescending? 

[Ami1uwant]

What are these arguments about?

 

he might be saying things just to avoid things.

[Renae]

A cool down period is fine and I don't expect an apology just some sort of conclusion. 

 

So last disagreement he told me he was coming over for dinner with my family. I messaged him asking him if he was still coming after not showing up and he told me he never was planning on coming in the first place.  I asked him why he didn't just say that in the first place... His response was to the effect of... Calm down its late and bedtime anyways girl.   I told him I thought that was condsending. He blew up told me that I shouldn't ask him.  And he just did.  That there wasn't a reason. I responded that I was just asking all he literally had to say was that he was working late and was tired and wanted to chill.  His response was..... What tv show should my cat and I watch.  

 

He is a great guy.  Does all other things that I would want in a relationship but will just shutdowns in any discussion that involves feels.  

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

?

does not sound like a great guy to me.

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Renae said:

I asked him why he didn't just say that in the first place... His response was to the effect of... Calm down its late and bedtime anyways girl.   I told him I thought that was condsending. He blew up told me that I shouldn't ask him. 

Each time you forgive him and allow him back into your life, you're also showing him that the last time he was dismissive, arrogant or disrespectful is ok. Talking about it isn't working so further discussions aren't necessary. It'll only create more tension and anger in you. That is damaging to you and your long term health.

He isn't prepared to listen to you because he isn't interested in what you have to say and anything you say or ask is unimportant. If you ask me he has checked out a long time ago but you might have tolerated it until breaking point (now). You might want to take a look at where this is going long term and whether you both are on the same page. He seems to be dragging his feet and starting to tune you out. 

Stop inviting him out to family dinners. Go out with your friends a bit more. Whatever you are doing now isn't working. Try something different. I would definitely not keep harping at him. Do the complete reverse and start living your life independently. If he wants he can ask to join you.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Renae said:

  He is a great guy.  Does all other things that I would want in a relationship but will just shutdowns in any discussion that involves feels.  

What you described is not how a great guy behaves, Renae. 

He was rude, dismissive and condescending. Are you in some denial about the reality of this relationship? It sure looks like it. Because it's not just how he argues - it was the very fact that he blew you and your family off after making a plan, and didn't even bother to tell you. 

He doesn't sound very into this relationship, sorry to say.  

Edited September 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Renae said:

He is a great guy.  

A great guy doesn't stand you up. Since you can't see this general pattern of disrespect, try backing off.

If he's unreliable and you're making believe he's a great guy, then plan on more disrespect behaviors.

Reflect on what you want from a relationship. Apologies or decent treatment in the first place?

More arguments, disrespectful attitudes, contempt, sarcasm, etc or someone decent who you don't have to talk at about how to be decent.

Whenever you continue things and except bad behaviors, you are condoning it. Text fighting is very easy to ignore.

Stop inviting him over and rewarding his direspect.

[Calmandfocused]

He’s an avoider!
 

His avoidance protects him from being held to account for his actions. Pretend that the elephant in the room isn’t there and the elephant will go away right? 
 

Wrong! 
 

Op you need to think about this from his perspective. He gets to do/ say exactly as he pleases with no consequences to deal with. What’s not to like?
 

He probably thinks you’re the perfect woman for him with your willingness to put up with his behaviour. He has an irrational rant, his girlfriend quickly forgives him, and he skips off down the road Scott free. Fabulous! 
 

Except it’s not for you is it? …. 
 

You need to wake up here, smell the coffee and stop protecting him with the label of being a “good man”. 
 

Good men don’t hurt their partners and pretend it’s not happened. 

[Blind-Sided]

While I agree 100% with the comments saying... "A great guy doesn't stand you up." (Especially if you have been dating for a year)  I'm going to play Devils Advocate here.   

1) Did he say, without any question, that he would be at a dinner with your folks? 

2) Is this something that is special?  Or is it a normal, weekly thing? 

3) Did he have something that he needed to accomplish? 

OK.... I'm going to expand on my numbers above, just so you know where I'm coming from.

1) I know in the past... I was blamed for things that I never said I would do, or take care of. Such as... the deck on my house is falling apart... but we don't use it.  Also, before my D... we were talking about doing an add-on to the house that would remove the deck.  SO, in my mind... why would I rebuild (spend the money) on something that may get demolished anyway?  But as the exW was leaving... I heard... "YOU PROMISED to rebuild the deck."   (FYI... I never "Promised" to fix it)  But there was also several other "You Promised" things I got blamed for.  So my point here is.... did you make up, or just expect him to be there.

2) OK... if you don't see your folks very often, and this was special.... it's very different than if you see your folks a couple times a week. Along with that... does your BF get along with your folks? This would also change the tone of his response. If you see them all the time, and he doesn't like your folks... he may have been sidestepping a potential issue.  

3) That one is self explanatory.

OK... with all that said... your comment makes it look like he was absolutely being rude to your , and your folks.  BUT... I know there is always 2 side to a story. 

 

[Lauriebell82]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He’s an avoider!
 

His avoidance protects him from being held to account for his actions. Pretend that the elephant in the room isn’t there and the elephant will go away right? 
 

Wrong! 
 

Op you need to think about this from his perspective. He gets to do/ say exactly as he pleases with no consequences to deal with. What’s not to like?
 

He probably thinks you’re the perfect woman for him with your willingness to put up with his behaviour. He has an irrational rant, his girlfriend quickly forgives him, and he skips off down the road Scott free. Fabulous! 
 

Except it’s not for you is it? …. 
 

You need to wake up here, smell the coffee and stop protecting him with the label of being a “good man”. 
 

Good men don’t hurt their partners and pretend it’s not happened. 

This! He is doing what's known as stonewalling. Its a tactic used by men with an avoidant attachment style. You admitted you used to be passive and not tell people how you feel. Most likely that's how you wound up with a partner such as this. It's very common for people pleasers and avoidants to end up in a relationship. The main problem is that when one partner tries to take steps to actually change their behavior and become healthier (i.e. actually work out problems and have conversations) the more avoidant partner becomes extremely distressed and deals with this by trying to avoid the situation completely! 

So what you do is build up your distress tolerance to this situation. You continue to "expose" him to these conversations. You communicate to him in a healthy way what you need from him. You need him to engage in the conversation. If he has trouble talking he can at LEAST just listen at first. But he needs to be able to sit there if he wants to be in this relationship. If he can't do that...well then the relationship may not be the right one for you. Healthy people are willing to sit and work out problems no matter HOW uncomfortable it makes them. Stick to your guns girl! 

[Snow_Queen]

So he decided to not show up after making solid plans with you. Then, he gets angry when you want to discuss it. I can see why you’re upset. He sounds conflict avoidant. The way he’s treating you is actually abusive. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem. My best advice is to end this relationship sooner than later. From personal experience, it only gets worse…much worse. After prolonged abuse like this, you will no longer be able tell what’s real and what isn’t. You will always doubt what you’re experiencing.

[smackie9]

Have a read through this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, he's stonewalling, also called ignoring you, also called dismissing you.

The substance of the disagreement does not matter. At some point, couples will disagree. Part of coupledom is constantly resolving disagreements, minor and major. 

What your bf is doing is withdrawing and setting up a wall.

Seriously, dump this guy. Now, you can explain your feelings and how much that hurts when he changes the subject and doesn't respond to you. A mature guy would be touched and you'd be able to then have a discussion about his style vs your style.

I don't think your bf will respond--he'll try to dismiss ANY issue of yours. That is a sign of a TERRIBLE relationship--I don't care how "nice" he is the rest of the time.