The things I tell myself. Lies, delusion & hard truths

[Theeisor]

This is just a collection of thoughts that I have had since my affair started. It really is a mess of conflicting conclusions but it what’s I’ve felt. I believe “confusion” played a big part in why it’s lasted this long and why it’s been so hard to let go. Posting last week was cathartic for me end I’m determined to do what it takes to get better. A lot of this is mildly embarrassing but I’m hoping it will help me come to terms that I was living in fantasy and or that it will help someone out there. 
 

One day we’ll be together even though there was never any indication of this between either of us. 
He really secretly wants to be with me. 
Hi wife gives him zero affection or sex. 
I’ll be happier with him and he’ll be happier with me. 
I think he wanted me to want him more than I think he actually wanted me. 
I sometimes need a lot of attention. 
I was full blown limerent for him and I am prone to it. 
I really do have a good husband who will do anything for me. 
I have a lot of baggage upstairs. 
Sometimes good people do bad things. 
I have the capacity to love greatly. 
I will NEVER step outside of my marriage again. 
 

[Stevnx3]

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

This is just a collection of thoughts that I have had since my affair started. It really is a mess of conflicting conclusions but it what’s I’ve felt. I believe “confusion” played a big part in why it’s lasted this long and why it’s been so hard to let go. Posting last week was cathartic for me end I’m determined to do what it takes to get better. A lot of this is mildly embarrassing but I’m hoping it will help me come to terms that I was living in fantasy and or that it will help someone out there. 
 

One day we’ll be together even though there was never any indication of this between either of us. 
He really secretly wants to be with me. 
Hi wife gives him zero affection or sex. 
I’ll be happier with him and he’ll be happier with me. 
I think he wanted me to want him more than I think he actually wanted me. 
I sometimes need a lot of attention. 
I was full blown limerent for him and I am prone to it. 
I really do have a good husband who will do anything for me. 
I have a lot of baggage upstairs. 
Sometimes good people do bad things. 
I have the capacity to love greatly. 
I will NEVER step outside of my marriage again. 
 

This is beautifully written. I can feel your emotions in your words. This is healthy and something you needed to get off your chest. Like a journal of sorts.. I thought about you the other day and how you were moving along? Seems like you are still headed in the right direction. 

Keep writing. Keep working on yourself. You will get there! But forgive yourself and move ahead !

[Theeisor]

21 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

This is beautifully written. I can feel your emotions in your words. This is healthy and something you needed to get off your chest. Like a journal of sorts.. I thought about you the other day and how you were moving along? Seems like you are still headed in the right direction. 

Keep writing. Keep working on yourself. You will get there! But forgive yourself and move ahead !

Thank you. Forgiving myself seems to be the theme this time around and it really is having in an impact. I’m no where near where I want to be but I’m having these bursts of hope and optimism that help me get through the next hour. I really am determined to get past this and finally get to a place where I really don’t care if he reaches out or not. Speaking of, that’s another s thought I have. Whether he will or won’t and what I’ll do then. I’m almost certain he won’t but what if he does? Do I have the strength to not reply? Do I have the strength to just block him? Day by day for now. 

[Stevnx3]

22 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I’m almost certain he won’t but what if he does? Do I have the strength to not reply? Do I have the strength to just block him? Day by day for now. 

Certainly having moments of hope and optimism will help drive you a long. It will be a long ride, for sure. Just don't let hope keep you down either. I learned it can ensnare, as much as help.

Forgiving ourselves is always a journey. Heck, may take a lifetime. Just keep putting one foot ahead. Keep forgiving as much as you need.. so long as you move on.

If in the rare chance he reaches back out, just ignore and block him immediately without thought. That is the key moment of testing your convictions. Then you will know if you have become stronger. This type of situation can lead to a relapse. Just continue to work on being stronger. If you relapse, regain your senses and continue ahead.

Battle for sure! Heck.. the curiosity alone to "know" how things are going for them is tough to endure.

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, Stevnx3 said:

Certainly having moments of hope and optimism will help drive you a long. It will be a long ride, for sure. Just don't let hope keep you down either. I learned it can ensnare, as much as help.

Forgiving ourselves is always a journey. Heck, may take a lifetime. Just keep putting one foot ahead. Keep forgiving as much as you need.. so long as you move on.

If in the rare chance he reaches back out, just ignore and block him immediately without thought. That is the key moment of testing your convictions. Then you will know if you have become stronger. This type of situation can lead to a relapse. Just continue to work on being stronger. If you relapse, regain your senses and continue ahead.

Battle for sure! Heck.. the curiosity alone to "know" how things are going for them is tough to endure.

Thank you. The plan is to ignore him. I actually made it pretty clear how this was affecting me and I’m just not emotionally cut out for this so I doubt he will. 
It feels really nice to have the train of thought that instead of wallowing and regretting, I’m forcing positive thoughts and they’re coming naturally the more I do it. I’ll always wonder how he is and wonder whether he thinks of me. I don’t wish him anything bad. In fact, I wish him well and hope that he finds happiness again in his marriage. I just can’t and will never accept being side fun. 

[Stevnx3]

8 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I actually made it pretty clear how this was affecting me and I’m just not emotionally cut out for this so I doubt he will. 

Hopefully he does not. Especially since you made it clear how it affects you. Even so, keep your strength up cause he may come back around - one never knows? He may get lonely or get a thought in his head and may be unable to beat the desire. So stay strong.

10 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

feels really nice to have the train of thought that instead of wallowing and regretting, I’m forcing positive thoughts and they’re coming naturally the more I do it.

Beautiful! Keep forcing positive thoughts: Like a guilt-free future and a moving on to better yourself as a person ahead of this. You will be blessed more so. One day, this will be the past entirely.

12 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

I’ll always wonder how he is and wonder whether he thinks of me. I don’t wish him anything bad. In fact, I wish him well and hope that he finds happiness again in his marriage. I just can’t and will never accept being side fun. 

Only natural. Even if you move on, there are memories there. Memories will always come back up from time to time. Wondering thoughts.. Good news is you will hopefully be much stronger when they do and beat it back!!

You are truly a good person to wish him happiness and no ill will, I respect that. Hopefully he figures his issues out to. You are definitely worth more than some side fun.

[HowToQuit]

This is such an amazing topic. Here are the lies I told myself:

- he will leave her when kids are old

- they sleep in different beds

- I am more attractive than she is 

- he is not attracted to her

- he stays with her because of the kids

- he is busy when he is not texting 

- he thinks of me all the time 

- they are miserable together and would be happier single 

- I am worth trading his family for 

and the list goes on and on!

[BlindsidedTwice]

It’s so good to be honest with yourself like this. You are getting yourself out of the affair fog!  That’s not an easy task.

It took me 8 months to finally block my xMM and it is LIBERATING! I’m free of him! He can’t touch me. 

Take your time getting there. A premature block won’t feel good, but when you’re ready.... it really can feel so good. Finally some self love. 
 

How’s the therapist search going?

[Theeisor]

50 minutes ago, HowToQuit said:

This is such an amazing topic. Here are the lies I told myself:

- he will leave her when kids are old

- they sleep in different beds

- I am more attractive than she is 

- he is not attracted to her

- he stays with her because of the kids

- he is busy when he is not texting 

- he thinks of me all the time 

- they are miserable together and would be happier single 

- I am worth trading his family for 

and the list goes on and on!

Wow. I have all of these thoughts too. Funny enough, I know deep down inside that they’re not true but part of the addiction is taking solace in these thoughts and it really is a form of addiction to even have them. I was trying to give them a name last week and I came up with “the swirl”. Every time I started to wander into them I would recognize them and say Swirl out loud and it helped steer myself away. They come back faster than I realize because I’m so used to them but i think it’s going to be a healthy step to stop the CONSTANT swirl of thoughts. 

[Theeisor]

51 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

It’s so good to be honest with yourself like this. You are getting yourself out of the affair fog!  That’s not an easy task.

It took me 8 months to finally block my xMM and it is LIBERATING! I’m free of him! He can’t touch me. 

Take your time getting there. A premature block won’t feel good, but when you’re ready.... it really can feel so good. Finally some self love. 
 

How’s the therapist search going?

Yeah, I know I’m not ready to block him just yet but I know eventually I have to. I know I can’t risk falling back into it and it could easily happen but I’m not there yet. Yet. 
 

I found a resource where the state I’m in offers free sessions. I haven’t called yet but I know I have to. Something about reaching out for therapy kinda makes me feel helpless in a way and I’m trying so hard to just be strong living day to day. I know that sounds odd but it’s like I can’t afford to break this second? 

[Stevnx3]

19 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Yeah, I know I’m not ready to block him just yet but I know eventually I have to. I know I can’t risk falling back into it and it could easily happen but I’m not there yet. Yet. 
 

I found a resource where the state I’m in offers free sessions. I haven’t called yet but I know I have to. Something about reaching out for therapy kinda makes me feel helpless in a way and I’m trying so hard to just be strong living day to day. I know that sounds odd but it’s like I can’t afford to break this second? 

You are correct.

Therapy does make one feel helpless. But, to go to therapy. Hell, to initiate therapy even, is a form of strength and no truly helplessness. You first must realize you need help, then seek help. There is strength in that, not helplessness.

When the time comes. You will be done. When that time comes, you will be better for it. Go at your own pace. But stay strong and motivated. Things will happen.

You have a wonderful mindset already, so keep it up!

[BlindsidedTwice]

48 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Something about reaching out for therapy kinda makes me feel helpless in a way and I’m trying so hard to just be strong living day to day. I know that sounds odd but it’s like I can’t afford to break this second? 

Maybe you are the kind of person who can detangle from an affair without counsel... but I think most of us in this position have some deep issues that need to be addressed. So being strong day to day is kind of just being strong on the surface.

When you are ready... just try it. No commitment. I was shocked at how kind my therapist was. My very first session, I thought I was in for more guilt and shame, but instead it was, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are really strong.”

Put in the hard work. Learn about yourself. What’s going on? Low self esteem? Ego centric? Anxious avoidant? Co dependent? Childhood traumas? Let it out. Let it be painful. And then let it go. Learn healthier coping techniques. Learn how to be a safer person for your family and everyone you love. 

You got this!!! I’m just a random stranger on the internet but I’m a real person in real life, and you’ve got my support.

Edited September 13, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Theeisor]

35 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Maybe you are the kind of person who can detangle from an affair without counsel... but I think most of us in this position have some deep issues that need to be addressed. So being strong day to day is kind of just being strong on the surface.

When you are ready... just try it. No commitment. I was shocked at how kind my therapist was. My very first session, I thought I was in for more guilt and shame, but instead it was, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are really strong.”

Put in the hard work. Learn about yourself. What’s going on? Low self esteem? Ego centric? Anxious avoidant? Co dependent? Childhood traumas? Let it out. Let it be painful. And then let it go. Learn healthier coping techniques. Learn how to be a safer person for your family and everyone you love. 

You got this!!! I’m just a random stranger on the internet but I’m a real person in real life, and you’ve got my support.

I’m definitely not the kind of person that could detangle. I know that for certain because I’ve been on this roller coaster for 6 years and had plenty of opportunities to let it go but didn’t. I’m not saying I’m not. In fact, I know I HAVE to. All that you mentioned, most likely has contributed. Except ego centric maybe? Sometimes I feel like I need to be more egotistical

Support like you mentioned from your therapist sounds like what I need. Maybe it is a fear of being judged and I just have to let go of that fear and put it all on the table. I think it’s just awesome that there are humans like yourself and all the others that have taken the time to reply and support. Makes a world of a difference to know that someone has felt exactly what I’m feeling and has come out of it. Just beautiful! I can’t thank you enough

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, Stevnx3 said:

You are correct.

Therapy does make one feel helpless. But, to go to therapy. Hell, to initiate therapy even, is a form of strength and no truly helplessness. You first must realize you need help, then seek help. There is strength in that, not helplessness.

When the time comes. You will be done. When that time comes, you will be better for it. Go at your own pace. But stay strong and motivated. Things will happen.

You have a wonderful mindset already, so keep it up!

Thank you. I appreciate your encouragement. That is my goal at the moment- staying strong and motivated. It’s all about time for the moment. Crazy as it sounds, I feel like I get some power back with enough time passing. That’s a whole thing that I’m also exploring about myself. Is it all about control? Would I feel better if I hadn’t reached out and hadn’t lost that control? Ha. Maybe I do have an ego problem? I just stated in another post that I didn’t think I did but look at that… 

 

[Stevnx3]

1 hour ago, Theeisor said:

Thank you. I appreciate your encouragement. That is my goal at the moment- staying strong and motivated. It’s all about time for the moment. Crazy as it sounds, I feel like I get some power back with enough time passing. That’s a whole thing that I’m also exploring about myself. Is it all about control? Would I feel better if I hadn’t reached out and hadn’t lost that control? Ha. Maybe I do have an ego problem? I just stated in another post that I didn’t think I did but look at that… 

 

Ha! Well... Maybe a smudge of ego* (kidding)

Yep. Take it moment by moment. Some gains. Some losses. Pass the losses off and keep what you gain. 

Those questions... Hopefully you find the answers about yourself. I'm sure you may with enough time and help. But control upon whom? You or him or both? Maybe you would feel better.. Maybe not? Things happen for a reason, I suppose!

Lol. You seem pretty mild to me! But I do only know you from posts!

[denwickdroylsden]

I would add: "I'm clever and smart and will never get caught."

[Starswillshine]

Don't forget to add forgive yourself to the lists, ladies! (And any gentlemen)

[Theeisor]

12 hours ago, Stevnx3 said:

Ha! Well... Maybe a smudge of ego* (kidding)

Yep. Take it moment by moment. Some gains. Some losses. Pass the losses off and keep what you gain. 

Those questions... Hopefully you find the answers about yourself. I'm sure you may with enough time and help. But control upon whom? You or him or both? Maybe you would feel better.. Maybe not? Things happen for a reason, I suppose!

Lol. You seem pretty mild to me! But I do only know you from posts!

Thanks. I guess it would be control of myself and the need to make sure he knows that I have it. Why I care what he thinks? Not sure but I know that’s not healthy. I still might have some respect for him but he doesn’t deserve it. 

[Theeisor]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Don't forget to add forgive yourself to the lists, ladies! (And any gentlemen)

Yes. This is key. Writing it all down and acknowledging is the first step for me. I had all this stuff in my head and it helps to say it out loud. 

[Theeisor]

2 hours ago, denwickdroylsden said:

I would add: "I'm clever and smart and will never get caught."

Ugh. Ashamed to say it but I felt some form of entitlement because I had so much pent up resentment towards my husband. I’m all about female empowerment but was (am) truly blind in caring what his wife what have thought or even felt about it. The whole line of him being in a sexless marriage gave me that permission in a way. Barf. 

[glows]

34 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

The whole line of him being in a sexless marriage gave me that permission in a way.

Sadly it is also one of the oldest lines used to garner sympathy and evoke emotion in another person, the start of a possible affair.

[Stevnx3]

42 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Thanks. I guess it would be control of myself and the need to make sure he knows that I have it. Why I care what he thinks? Not sure but I know that’s not healthy. I still might have some respect for him but he doesn’t deserve it. 

Respect will fade in time.

Because you are going through the emotions. It is hard to get him out of your mind and frankly will be a battle to cease caring what he thinks. 

Baby steps.

[Theeisor]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Sadly it is also one of the oldest lines used to garner sympathy and evoke emotion in another person, the start of a possible affair.

And it worked. Part of me believes that there was some truth to it but seriously, that’s none of my business. For that to give me entitlement and permission is something I have to live with. I’m married too and I know all to well that nobody knows what really is going on behind that marriage curtain. 

[Theeisor]

12 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Respect will fade in time.

Because you are going through the emotions. It is hard to get him out of your mind and frankly will be a battle to cease caring what he thinks. 

Baby steps.

Thank you. Baby steps is right and something I have to constantly remember when I get frustrated or mad at myself for caring. 

[Stevnx3]

Just now, Theeisor said:

Thank you. Baby steps is right and something I have to constantly remember when I get frustrated or mad at myself for caring. 

Totally. You are here now. Now taking steps to do better. Just remind yourself it is a process every time.

2 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

And it worked. Part of me believes that there was some truth to it but seriously, that’s none of my business. For that to give me entitlement and permission is something I have to live with. I’m married too and I know all to well that nobody knows what really is going on behind that marriage curtain. 

There may have been some truth to what he told you. One never knows.. or a ploy for more sex. Again: Who knows? Just as you have driving factors, he must too. Life is complicated. 

Maybe it is simple. Maybe it is not..