A simple line blunder- Is this a break-up offence

[Foxhall]

48 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

I hope I wasnt too hard on ya

Not at all,

You really picked up on the issues here- set me straight,

many thanks 

[Lotsgoingon]

And since you're willing to change (seems to me) the earlier in relationship the better. I'm hoping your gf credits you for your non-defensiveness. Being defensive and changing the subject and dismissing the words of our partner--those are the worst actions you can take in a relationship. And they are insidious.

The poison these acts of defensiveness unleash doesn't seem so noticeable at first, but over time, they infect and damage the bond between the couple and lead to further arguments, further defensiveness on both sides and on and on.

Oh, make sure your partner is equally open to feedback. If she's not as cool (open, humble, curious) as you are under fire, then she may not be a good partner for you. 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[usa1ah]

On 9/14/2021 at 9:52 AM, Daisydooks said:

Because she doesnt want to be a secret to his entire family? Lol. How long is she supposed to accept this? She wasnt ending it because of what he said. She was ending because what he said just solidified everything she already knew he felt. She isnt good enough to bring home to mom/uncle, and she knows it now. Loud and clear. It's been 2 years and she is still a secret to his family.

I hear this same story a lot now a days. Neither one of them are pushing forward with the relationship. They both have their doubts about it. She went a hard we are finished because of a few words to his uncle. Their are people like that, personal things stay unsaid. 

[usa1ah]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:30 AM, Foxhall said:

I am prepared to change on this- Its not that they are more important- but I have difficulty with the boundaries.

I see that gf is hurt over what I said and I am quite touched by that - in the sense of well this girl does actually like me or even love me,

Look I feel bad for what I said- but I will try to make it up to her- well if I get the chance.

You had doubts about her feelings for you, why?

 

 

[usa1ah]

23 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well I can hardly cast my mother aside just because her views are not modern. I understand the point alright- that I need to be stronger and more forthright to family about accepting gf.

I think have done plenty of things also that show I am definitely not ashamed of gf- and have done things which indicate I want to build life with her,

someone asked there earlier- why she would stay with me,

gf is divorced and she tells me plenty of stories of women she knows who seemingly have difficult partners.

I think she knows with me, that she is getting a very easy going guy

The dynamics with my mother, gf was making light of this for a long time, she would joke that she is "stealing me away from my mother" and she would refer to this movie "only the lonely" a lot and say the mother character there reminds her of mine and so on,

I have failed to see probably that under the surface the issue has been bothering her more than she was letting on.

As a step forward I think we are going to try going for dinner with my uncles family and I will introduce her properly.

 

 

So, does your girlfriend love you or is it just that you seem to be a safe bet?

 

Does she only see you as a good provider, husband and father. There are some women that marry a guy just for those reasons. Then turn and divorce after the kids are older and out of the home. 
 

Again I ask, how do you know she loves you. Because it doesn’t sound like she is. 

[Daisydooks]

4 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I hear this same story a lot now a days. Neither one of them are pushing forward with the relationship. They both have their doubts about it. She went a hard we are finished because of a few words to his uncle. Their are people like that, personal things stay unsaid. 

No she didnt. Lol. 

[Foxhall]

10 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So, does your girlfriend love you or is it just that you seem to be a safe bet?

 

well maybe I am just a safe bet- she knows Im financially secure and she knows I will not rock the boat much- like I tend to fall in line with her needs,

I think there have been some moments which indicate yes she loves me,

I had an Aunt that passed away last year and she spent six months doing a painting of her- I was saying you have enough to do- but she wanted to do that for me,

In general she brought a new dynamic to my life in these recent years- having a companion to go to different events with, or simple things like walks and so on,

we had a few nice weekends away around europe  in the first few months, and she would talk about where we will go for honeymoon and stuff

Aside from that she has a caring nature and she will reach out and be there for me if anything of upset crops up,

I am never that confident as a person- so Id be reluctant to say with certainty that she loves me. but she has given me new confidence a lot of my friends would say.

10 hours ago, usa1ah said:

You had doubts about her feelings for you, why?

She is a strong woman, she does not show much vulnerability, so it struck me that my friend comment seemed to being her more vulnerable side out,

Maybe I worry about her compatibility- our hobbies and interests are different really,

perhaps I worry or think at times that we dont have enough common ground to sustain.

I think there was a question also about me having doubts towards her

I suppose I never thought an "achiever type" would be my future wife. I struggled with confident women over the years.  This current girlfriend is an achiever in the sense of high academic qualifications , highly independent and successful in her work life.

Looking back the only other girl I considered marriage material was quite humble- she worked as a waitress- her family siblings were all doctors and she considered herself "the black sheep of the family" lol (nothing wrong with being a waitress)! 

but I felt me and her were kindred spirits in a way. She had a vulnerability and I liked the thoughts yes Id have to look after her in a way.

The current gf is as I said a wonderful lady, but she does'nt really need me -she is too smart and independent for that-  that perhaps is my doubt.

 

 

 

 

[usa1ah]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

well maybe I am just a safe bet- she knows Im financially secure and she knows I will not rock the boat much- like I tend to fall in line with her needs,

I think there have been some moments which indicate yes she loves me,

I had an Aunt that passed away last year and she spent six months doing a painting of her- I was saying you have enough to do- but she wanted to do that for me,

In general she brought a new dynamic to my life in these recent years- having a companion to go to different events with, or simple things like walks and so on,

we had a few nice weekends away around europe  in the first few months, and she would talk about where we will go for honeymoon and stuff

Aside from that she has a caring nature and she will reach out and be there for me if anything of upset crops up,

I am never that confident as a person- so Id be reluctant to say with certainty that she loves me. but she has given me new confidence a lot of my friends would say.

She is a strong woman, she does not show much vulnerability, so it struck me that my friend comment seemed to being her more vulnerable side out,

Maybe I worry about her compatibility- our hobbies and interests are different really,

perhaps I worry or think at times that we dont have enough common ground to sustain.

I think there was a question also about me having doubts towards her

I suppose I never thought an "achiever type" would be my future wife. I struggled with confident women over the years.  This current girlfriend is an achiever in the sense of high academic qualifications , highly independent and successful in her work life.

Looking back the only other girl I considered marriage material was quite humble- she worked as a waitress- her family siblings were all doctors and she considered herself "the black sheep of the family" lol (nothing wrong with being a waitress)! 

but I felt me and her were kindred spirits in a way. She had a vulnerability and I liked the thoughts yes Id have to look after her in a way.

The current gf is as I said a wonderful lady, but she does'nt really need me -she is too smart and independent for that-  that perhaps is my doubt.

 

 

 

 

I would never had even hinted at breaking up with my wife when we were dating over the way she might have introduced me. I know for a fact she would have never broken up with me for even worse. We loved one another and made mistakes. Never was one of them to break up with the other. 
 

Neither one of you should have any doubts about if you are in love. If you have doubts then let the relationship end and start again. Don’t let the pressure of getting married and starting a family push you into making a bad decision. Do not marry her if their is any doubt about the way you feel about her or the way she feels about you.