A simple line blunder- Is this a break-up offence

[Foxhall]

Thank you to everyone for the comments,

I did not expect to get as many responses,

appreciate it,

Its really good this forum.

[Crazelnut]

Late jumping in here, but I really want to say this. She did not just turn on you. You have been stringing her along, dragging your feet on making a commitment, letting her see that your mother & your family are more important to you than she is. This was just the tipping point for her. So stop pointing the finger at her and saying that she just flipped out and turned on you. 

Everything you've said on this thread leads me to believe that this relationship should just end. The child thing, the distance, your family, her age. I think you should just let her go so she can find someone who will love and accept her as she is (child & all), and who will put her above his family.

Speaking of family, my friend, if you ever want a relationship to last, you need to set better boundaries with your family. They do not need to have so much influence over your life, especially your racist, prejudiced mother! God forbid a woman should be single with a child! Seriously? What is this -- 1921? Time to cut the apron strings. 

[Weezy1973]

On 9/13/2021 at 1:07 PM, Foxhall said:

yes ok the subconscious thing, 

perhaps from what I say in previous post, I am carrying that notion that my extended family "will not approve of her"

If we’re talking subconscious motivation, one has to wonder why you would be so drawn to a woman that you thought would not be accepted by your extended family and is past her childbearing prime when you’re looking for marriage and kids.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

that your mother & your family are more important to you than she is

I am prepared to change on this- Its not that they are more important- but I have difficulty with the boundaries.

I see that gf is hurt over what I said and I am quite touched by that - in the sense of well this girl does actually like me or even love me,

Look I feel bad for what I said- but I will try to make it up to her- well if I get the chance.

[Foxhall]

50 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

f we’re talking subconscious motivation, one has to wonder why you would be so drawn to a woman that you thought would not be accepted by your extended family and is past her childbearing prime when you’re looking for marriage and kids.

well Ive always felt a strong bond with her, I enjoy her company. I think it might have worked out - the child and all- if the covid had not have happened,

that year of restrictions has hampered our momentum, and while it was great in our initial months dating, maybe post the covid restrictions it has not been quite as strong as before.

She was very keen initially on the child- wanted a daughter-but has gone lukewarm really on the idea in the past 18 months,

I do like the girl enough to marry her- but Im thinking now having the child I want is less likely,

and thats giving up a lot from my end- 

Actually the past number of weeks we were beginning to rediscover the initial spark- until what happened the other day,

Anyway as I say we will see how things go and whether we can build again from here.

 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

I am prepared to change on this- Its not that they are more important- but I have difficulty with the boundaries.

I see that gf is hurt over what I said and I am quite touched by that - in the sense of well this girl does actually like me or even love me,

Look I feel bad for what I said- but I will try to make it up to her- well if I get the chance.

Its not about what you said. Its about you lying for 2 entire years to your family. It just solidified to her that the most important people in your life have no idea she exists as your girlfriend. Youre leading a double life.

Why can't you see that? 

[Daisydooks]

Please know you cannot fix this by saying "sorry." Your apology will mean nothing without actions.

 She doesnt want you to say words you dont mean and then do nothing. What she wants is not to be your dirty little secret girlfriend/equivalent of the other woman in your life (this is why I used the term mamas boy earlier. I meant it. Lol. Your main woman is your mama and youre doing everything not to upset her even at the cost of your own happiness.) 

She needs action on your part to not be so angry at you. You really need to be honest with your family. THAT WILL show her youre sorry and you mean it. Saying words out loud is nonsense and not action.  

Is she worth that? Thats for you to figure out. If she is, tell your family. If she isnt, tell her that. 

Im not sure staying together is wise. Truly. But if you do love her and want to be with her, these are the things you NEED to do to make that happen and make things right. Without action, youll be here again in a month having the same issue thinking "she just turned on me." Thats a cop out

Edited September 15, 2021 by Daisydooks

[FMW]

18 hours ago, Foxhall said:

but now I am thinking the woman would turn on me so easily over a simple mistake

As has been pointed out repeatedly, this was not a simple mistake.  Don't let yourself off the hook - make your choice and own it.  If you won't stand up to your mother and acknowledge your girlfriend's importance, I don’t blame your girlfriend for reconsidering the relationship.  Her reaction to break up might seem rash, but it's likely the culmination of ongoing sensing/hearing/seeing your ambivalence.  

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Is she worth that? Thats for you to figure out. If she is, tell your family. If she isnt, tell her that. 

Thanks good advice,

well she is really,

this lady is a great catch for me,

Ive had women here and there over the years, but generally been a struggler ,

She is good looking, warm personality, has great flair for art doing oil paintings, she is super smart and can speak four different languages fluently,

I mean Id say I was never a natural with the ladies, so to have met this lady is quite a result for me,

Yes I will feel bad if lose her

[Daisydooks]

19 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Thanks good advice,

well she is really,

this lady is a great catch for me,

Ive had women here and there over the years, but generally been a struggler ,

She is good looking, warm personality, has great flair for art doing oil paintings, she is super smart and can speak four different languages fluently,

I mean Id say I was never a natural with the ladies, so to have met this lady is quite a result for me,

Yes I will feel bad if lose her

Its time to act then if you dont want to lose her. 

I would tell her youre sorry you haven't put her first. I would tell her it's time to make your relationship known to others in your family and youre sorry you needed this kick in the butt to acknowledge how big a deal it is/was to her. Id let her know this changes now and that you want to implement change immediately and share her with the world. Id be honest about all of it. If I knew my Hs parents were xenophobic, ageists, but he stood behind me and defended me regardless, their opinion wouldnt matter.  The killer here is youre allowing your family's opinions to dictate your behaviour. 

When I look at my husband, he is my best friend. I would do anything and everything for him up until the day he dies. Our parents will die one day as morbid as that sounds and we will stand beside one another through that. My mother's opinion does not matter as much as my husband's.

[Classicfiction]

On 9/13/2021 at 10:31 AM, mark clemson said:

I can understand her being upset. However, how you/your partner react to something upsetting is important.

IMO this should be something that can be discussed and you certainly should agree to call her GF, which is appropriate. She may be sensing or believe she's sensing, an underlying hesitancy to "commit" to her on your part, and even if that's wrong, it's (perhaps) something to address.

That said, IF she really is going to end the relationship over this, you have consider the possibility that it's been a house of cards for a while now, waiting for a trigger event to end it.

What is a situation in which a woman/person SHOULD react in expressing their being upset and do you generally think that anger is a wrong emotion?

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Daisydooks said:

would tell her youre sorry you haven't put her first. I would tell her it's time to make your relationship known to others in your family and youre sorry you needed this kick in the butt to acknowledge how big a deal it is/was to her.

Yes ok I like the sound of that-  ah yes genuinely happy to do that I am.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Classicfiction said:

What is a situation in which a woman/person SHOULD react in expressing their being upset and do you generally think that anger is a wrong emotion?

??  I think you misread me. I said:

Quote

I can understand her being upset

Nor did I say she shouldn't express being upset in my post.  I certainly don't think anger is a "wrong" emotion, although it certainly can lead to irrational behavior and/or over-reactions in some cases.

Overall for this particular thread I think that if this incident is driving anger and the need for some "relationship repair" that makes sense. If, on the other hand, it's a reason to break up completely from her perspective, then perhaps she's been feeling this way or nearly so for a while and this is a "trigger" event bringing out the underlying issues (whatever they may be) that are making her feel like the relationship isn't working, etc.

 

 

[DividedTrail]

Sounds like Foxhall has been given some good tough love, especially from some of the ladies.

I will say I think throwing the racist word around about his mom is a little over the top. I mean she might meet some of the textbook definitions but I think it’s more of what she is familiar with and it sounds like she is making an effort. I think we overuse words like that sometimes today. 

I get the sense that Foxhall is coming to grips with some generational and cultural expectations of what a child, who grows into an adult male entails. Sometimes it is easy to just say, tell your family this and that but for some cultures, it is almost a sin to not take care of the elders first.

Having said that, it is his life and he needs to be honest and take action to get what he wants and be honest with the girlfriend in what he can give. 

Edited September 15, 2021 by DividedTrail

[Foxhall]

23 minutes ago, DividedTrail said:

I will say I think throwing the racist word around about his mom is a little over the top. I mean she might meet some of the textbook definitions but I think it’s more of what she is familiar with and it sounds like she is making an effort. I think we overuse words like that sometimes today.

Thank you for that.

People of my Mothers generation here grew up in very different times, they are still adapting to the complete change to "almost anything goes" nowadays (perhaps a gay man leading the country for a while being the most striking change of all)

they are adapting as best they can and  I think it is unfair to be too critical for having old fashioned beliefs.

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

2 hours ago, DividedTrail said:

Sounds like Foxhall has been given some good tough love, especially from some of the ladies.

I will say I think throwing the racist word around about his mom is a little over the top. I mean she might meet some of the textbook definitions but I think it’s more of what she is familiar with and it sounds like she is making an effort. I think we overuse words like that sometimes today. 

I get the sense that Foxhall is coming to grips with some generational and cultural expectations of what a child, who grows into an adult male entails. Sometimes it is easy to just say, tell your family this and that but for some cultures, it is almost a sin to not take care of the elders first.

Having said that, it is his life and he needs to be honest and take action to get what he wants and be honest with the girlfriend in what he can give. 

I’m not going to debate on this issue.

I was responding to op’s list about his mother’s issues. 

‘She is a Mexican national- this is not so much of an issue as the other-however Mother would feel more comfortable me having lady from own country. 

Mother feels a certain difficulty relating to someone from a foreign land and different culture. “
 

I was trying to make a point calling a spade a spade.  Of course it is always easy to defend a behavior.  OP has been defending his mom’s attitude toward his gf.  
While at the same time staying in the relationship and being “ashamed” of her.  It is a weird dynamic.  It does not seem like an honest living to me.

[Els]

On 9/15/2021 at 7:23 AM, Foxhall said:

My mother can be a bit of a law onto herself, not going to change at this stage,

that being said her bark is worse than her bite,

she takes a while to warm to new people, even Irish people,

shes trying to embrace gf more, for instance she made up a dog basket when I got the dog for gf recently

Im hopeful they might yet get to like each other.

That's not the point.

The point is that your gf knows that you will allow your family to treat her however they wish, and still keep going back to them, that this is never going to change. Your mother may change, but YOU will not change - you will expect her to be their doormat (if they feel like disrespecting her) and you will do the same.

All this incident did is reinforce that in her mind. She is NOT leaving you over a "simple line blunder". She is leaving you over 2 years of allowing this and having no boundaries with your family, culminating in a "simple line blunder".

I wish you the best of luck with your new partner. You'll need it.

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Foxhall said:

 She is good looking, warm personality, has great flair for art doing oil paintings, she is super smart and can speak four different languages fluently

Sooner or later you're going to have to run your own life. 

That means your own place and your own family.

It fine to have a close knit family. It's fine to care about elders.

However if your family is too clannish to accept her and you won't stand on your own two feet about that, you'll lose her... and many others.

Stop and reflect how you want to see your future. Living with mom all your life or having your own family?

[Foxhall]

7 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

OP has been defending his mom’s attitude toward his gf.  
While at the same time staying in the relationship and being “ashamed” of her.  It is a weird dynamic.  It does not seem like an honest living to me.

well I can hardly cast my mother aside just because her views are not modern. I understand the point alright- that I need to be stronger and more forthright to family about accepting gf.

I think have done plenty of things also that show I am definitely not ashamed of gf- and have done things which indicate I want to build life with her,

someone asked there earlier- why she would stay with me,

gf is divorced and she tells me plenty of stories of women she knows who seemingly have difficult partners.

I think she knows with me, that she is getting a very easy going guy

The dynamics with my mother, gf was making light of this for a long time, she would joke that she is "stealing me away from my mother" and she would refer to this movie "only the lonely" a lot and say the mother character there reminds her of mine and so on,

I have failed to see probably that under the surface the issue has been bothering her more than she was letting on.

As a step forward I think we are going to try going for dinner with my uncles family and I will introduce her properly.

 

 

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

I wish you the best of luck with your new partner. You'll need it.

 

As above still determined to make it work with this partner, thank you

[Foxhall]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sooner or later you're going to have to run your own life. 

That means your own place and your own family.

It fine to have a close knit family. It's fine to care about elders.

However if your family is too clannish to accept her and you won't stand on your own two feet about that, you'll lose her... and many others.

Stop and reflect how you want to see your future. Living with mom all your life or having your own family?

Yes fair enough I accept what your saying,

I have made mistakes alright putting things on hold and time is slipping by.

[Daisydooks]

16 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes ok I like the sound of that-  ah yes genuinely happy to do that I am.

THAT will be will be what saves this relationship.  Words and sorrys dont mean a whole lot without action. If she is worth this and youd like to try forever with her, then these are the things she needs 

Edited September 16, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, you can go pragmatic in dealing with the family. Go out with your uncle if that feels like an enjoyable move. The key is to make sure you express to her that she is your priority.  She's got to know you have her back--or else she won't feel safe.

OP, I gotta tell you: this mess-up aside, you sound really open minded, responsive, kind, thoughtful, non-defensive. Seems like you have a lot of fantastic qualities--so don't beat yourself up too much. Sounds to me like otherwise, you're treating your gf great. Just run a check: are you really into her? Sometimes we hesitate to introduce people to family because secretly--secretly in our own minds--we aren't sure about this particular partner. Make sure you're clear about that and just keep going.

You sound like a really good guy. 

 

 

[Foxhall]

@Lotsgoingon

thank you for your generous post,

 highly flawed in many ways however is probably closer to the truth!

[Daisydooks]

I do want to weigh in on this too with regards to wait LotsGoingOn said. Fox, you sound like a great guy who maybe just made a few wrong moves here (so did she by not communicating the importance of meeting your family) but you both sound like great people. I hope I wasnt too hard on ya