A simple line blunder- Is this a break-up offence

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I think the bigger problem is that she was ending the relationship because of what you said.

Yes the reaction was extreme really, 

[Foxhall]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Does your girlfriend want to live with you? Are your lives on hold or your time together limited indefinitely because of your mother? Are you open to hiring help instead? Or would your mother move in with you eventually?

Yes none of this is straightforward, I have been putting off making any definite decisions on any of this,

but yes she is pressing for more certainty (gf)

Gf will not live with me in my town, because she has a good job where she is living and her son is settled at school. Although the country is only small here, there is still over two hours driving distance between us,

Another unusual thing in the mix is that her Mom is over here too pretty much looking after her grandchild. 

Gf stays with me every two weeks or so, and I go up and stay with them for a few days,

I get on ok with her Mom, but at same time is awkward at times- she has very little english and Im not good enough yet at spanish to speak it properly,

so Im not jumping shall we say to move in full time with the whole family. 

My own mother is still reasonably independent, but she is 80 years of age, hiring help may be an option downline,

gf is also concerned I think about looking after my Mother down the line,

yes so lot of things going on i suppose,  just going with flow taking it week by week has been outlook thus far,

"there are hurdles to overcome" we agree but I dont think either of us know the definite path ahead

 

[elaine567]

This is madness. "Going with the flow" is NOT what you should be doing.
Your gf is already 39, you say you want your own kids, how is idling along here going to give you the kids you want?
Her fertility is on the wane and  older mothers and fathers  come with complications that affect both the mother and the baby.
You have no time to waste "going with the flow".
Then there is there is the huge issue with the distance and then your mother and family...

All in all maybe it is time to take stock.
This relationship does not practically work.
Your gf knows it, and you know it too.
.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This relationship does not practically work.
Your gf knows it, and you know it too

well ok good points I admit.

I had great hopes for this relationship- the first six months were especially promising, 

she was keen herself , would like to have a daughter and all that,

Yes as you say time is slipping by and the relationship is stuck basically,

She is not convinced enough of me I suppose to push ahead, but thats no good for me either- the chance to have at least one child will be gone,

I still see enough there that hope to make things work with her, 

but yes need to decide where we are definitely heading soon. She will turn against me very quick too as this incident shows, so need to be mindful of that.

 

 

[Daisydooks]

12 hours ago, usa1ah said:

I think the bigger problem is that she was ending the relationship because of what you said. That is straight up bull s***. 
 

You learned one thing from this, she doesn’t give a damn about you or the relationship 

Because she doesnt want to be a secret to his entire family? Lol. How long is she supposed to accept this? She wasnt ending it because of what he said. She was ending because what he said just solidified everything she already knew he felt. She isnt good enough to bring home to mom/uncle, and she knows it now. Loud and clear. It's been 2 years and she is still a secret to his family.

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

She will turn against me very quick too as this incident shows, so need to be mindful of that.

Haven't you been against her for 2 years? 

Just think, if you hadnt been keeping her a secret just how your relationship could have advanced to maybe trying for a daughter? It sounds like she wanted all this with you but you didnt. You were going with the flow and keeping her a dirty little secret.  

Edited September 14, 2021 by Daisydooks

[glows]

4 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes none of this is straightforward, I have been putting off making any definite decisions on any of this,

but yes she is pressing for more certainty (gf)

Gf will not live with me in my town, because she has a good job where she is living and her son is settled at school. Although the country is only small here, there is still over two hours driving distance between us,

Another unusual thing in the mix is that her Mom is over here too pretty much looking after her grandchild. 

Gf stays with me every two weeks or so, and I go up and stay with them for a few days,

I get on ok with her Mom, but at same time is awkward at times- she has very little english and Im not good enough yet at spanish to speak it properly,

so Im not jumping shall we say to move in full time with the whole family. 

My own mother is still reasonably independent, but she is 80 years of age, hiring help may be an option downline,

gf is also concerned I think about looking after my Mother down the line,

yes so lot of things going on i suppose,  just going with flow taking it week by week has been outlook thus far,

"there are hurdles to overcome" we agree but I dont think either of us know the definite path ahead

 

Some openhearted and sincere conversations are long due. How long does your gf stay with you when she visits? I'm asking to get an idea of how long her son is without his mother when she visits you. I'd ask her what she thinks of the current situation. You may feel it is ok with you but it may not be with your partner who is just tolerating it. Talk about it as you won't want to be blindsided with a break up, missing all the signs that she wasn't happy to begin with. You believe that she has overreacted to the term "friend" but saying she'd break up with you or becoming so frustrated as to be in that state suggests that she's at her last straw or her patience is wearing thin. 

 

 

[Els]

21 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes ok the issues between her and my mother

From my mothers point of view

• Problem is girlfriend was previously married- now divorced with 8 year-old son.- Baggage. (My Mam is old school and against that type of thing!)
• She is a Mexican national- this is not so much of an issue as the other-however Mother would feel more comfortable me having lady from own country. 
• Mother feels a certain difficulty relating to someone from a foreign land and different culture. 
• Mother would like me to have children- Im 41, gf is 39. If I had younger woman would be more likely to have children. keeping our assets in family and so on
• Mother is slowing down-needs more help from me-I live close to her and have to be on hand at least half the week. this could be an issue with any perspective girlfriend- 

From girlfriends point of view

• Mother is straight talking and perhaps slightly intimidating- 
• I cannot live full time with gf because my mother needs help.   Gf has good job over two hours away so has to live there.
• Mother was unsociable at the first meeting between them- they got off to bad start.
• Mother has made more of effort subsequently but there is an element of tension- walking on eggshells between the

 

Yiiiiikes. This would all be a dealbreaker for many women (in fact, I would say 99% of women, to be honest), so in your gf's case, you "hiding" your relationship from your uncle was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

Frankly, if your mother wants to be assisted and included in your life to such a large extent (being on hand half the week?!?!?), the least she could do would be to respect your boundaries re: not treating your girlfriend in a disrespectful, xenophobic, racist, and ageist manner. You DO have such boundaries.... right?

[smackie9]

My guess is that your comment made her realize there may not be a real future here. With the hurdles that are still in place after 2 years, I feel this is a reality you both are now faced with. This isn't really going anywhere.

[Snow_Queen]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

My guess is that your comment made her realize there may not be a real future here. With the hurdles that are still in place after 2 years, I feel this is a reality you both are now faced with. This isn't really going anywhere.

I just wanted to add that any future relationship will probably have the same issues. There is too much family involvement to allow a relationship to flourish. I don’t think he will ever find someone good enough for mom.

Edited September 14, 2021 by Snow_Queen
Typo

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Snow_Queen said:

I just wanted to add that any future relationship will probably have the same issues. There is too much family involvement to allow a relationship to flourish. I don’t think he will ever find someone good enough for mom.

Well that's the thing. When you have future plans to marry, you also marry into a family. If that family won't accept you, then there is no point. Everyone wasted their time.

[Foxhall]

7 hours ago, glows said:

How long does your gf stay with you when she visits?

three days usually.  on weekdays it has suited her with the covid work from home situation,

she brings the son sometimes, I get on fine I think, occupy him with football and so on

[Foxhall]

3 hours ago, Elswyth said:

You DO have such boundaries.... right?

My mother can be a bit of a law onto herself, not going to change at this stage,

that being said her bark is worse than her bite,

she takes a while to warm to new people, even Irish people,

shes trying to embrace gf more, for instance she made up a dog basket when I got the dog for gf recently

Im hopeful they might yet get to like each other.

[Foxhall]

7 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

Because she doesnt want to be a secret to his entire family? Lol. How long is she supposed to accept this

I had even forgotten this myself, but I actually did introduce her to another cousin of mine only two months after we met,

she would be my closest relative in terms of friendship,

so maybe in hindsight I have been trying to introduce her to my family,

it is not always easy with the elders I find, so perhaps do not need to feel as guilty over it.

I sounded out this cousin today- she maintains the end goal of gf is to move me into her house and be a stepdad,

another thing gf is very career oriented- so  another child is probably not high on her agenda,

my cousin is very good at reading people so am contemplating this,

If I go the long haul with gf that may be what have to settle for. Anyway yes I need to get this out on table with gf.

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by Foxhall

[glows]

It sounds like you both have a lot to talk about.

[chillii]

Yeah , at this stage it's about you and gf right now and where to from here. Don'y worry too much about mum that's about the long haul , if gf sticks around later on once all this settles they'll become ok. They don't have to be best friends , handy if they don't straight out hate each other though, but they'll adapt.

Your thing now is far more about your future with gf and where it's going , what can it be and will you be happy, including where you'd live , kids , the nitty gritty, and will you both be happy with ea other and in whatever that life will be.

Edited September 14, 2021 by chillii

[Daisydooks]

17 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I had even forgotten this myself, but I actually did introduce her to another cousin of mine only two months after we met,

she would be my closest relative in terms of friendship,

so maybe in hindsight I have been trying to introduce her to my family,

it is not always easy with the elders I find, so perhaps do no need to feel as guilty over it.

I sounded out this cousin today- she maintains the end goal of gf is to move me into her house and be a stepdad,

another thing gf is very career oriented- so  another child is probably not high on her agenda,

my cousin is very good at reading people so am contemplating this,

If I go the long haul with gf that may be what have to settle for. Anyway yes I need to get this out on table with gf.

 

Could the end goal just actually be she loves you, wants to spend forever with you and is happy with you? You wrote that as if she can just toss her child away. She IS and ALWAYS HAS BEEN a mother long before you came along. 

Why is having you as a step father for her son sounding like she is roping you into something? Surely she didnt hide that she had a 6 year old when you met? Lol. Come on, bro. You knew this a long time ago and now that she is pissed youre bringing nonsense into the mix by saying she is somehow just looking for a father figure or super step dad... when in reality, she seems fairly independent, doesnt need you at all, and youre not really step dad material if Im being honest. You have zero desire (this far) of making any solid future plans with her. Im thinking she wants you to pi$$ or get off the pot.

If you dont want to be a step parent, dont date women with children. Im confused as to why you didn't end this sooner if being a step parent is a no go for you? I dont want to be a step parent ever. So I wouldnt even go on a first date with a man with a child. Its not my thing so I dont entertain it

[Foxhall]

11 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Why is having you as a step father for her son sounding like she is roping you into something

I dont have an issue as such- I think I can be good stepdad for him,

Id be happier with having my own child though too- I would feel like an outsider say now moving in with the family, gf, son, mother in law,

If I were to have a child with her- it makes me more connected to the family as a whole,

and Id like the idea of having own child too - raising him/her from scratch

If I just accept being a stepdad, I am partially throwing away my own dreams,

the son will never view me as his "Dad" either I am sure,

the real Dad is still in background to an extent- he hops over and back from the UK every few months, again I dont have a problem, I mean hes entitled to see his child,

but yes I want to leave a legacy and all that an ego thing perhaps.

 

 

 

 

[Daisydooks]

37 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I dont have an issue as such- I think I can be good stepdad for him,

Id be happier with having my own child though too- I would feel like an outsider say now moving in with the family, gf, son, mother in law,

If I were to have a child with her- it makes me more connected to the family as a whole,

and Id like the idea of having own child too - raising him/her from scratch

If I just accept being a stepdad, I am partially throwing away my own dreams,

the son will never view me as his "Dad" either I am sure,

the real Dad is still in background to an extent- he hops over and back from the UK every few months, again I dont have a problem, I mean hes entitled to see his child,

but yes I want to leave a legacy and all that an ego thing perhaps.

 

 

 

 

So why dilly dally? Youre wasting her time and yours with this relationship by the sounds of it. Going with the flow has you here, having spent 2 years with a woman who is 40ish, and absolutely no closer to having a child or a wife. Youre just floating through life and hiding your GF from your family

 It is OK if you're not interested in being a step dad. (As I said above, I wouldnt want it for myself ever.)  What confuses me is your actions dont match your words. Do you want a child with her? Do you want to marry her? If she wants another child, perhaps this recent revelation she is just a friend to your family is the nail in the coffin for her. Id be really hurt if I did want a child but just spent 2 of the last years I have to bear children with a man who doesnt see a future with me. Id be hurt and angry

Edited September 14, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Foxhall]

10 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

It is OK if you're not interested in being a step dad. (As I said above, I wouldnt want it for myself ever.)  What confuses me is your actions dont match your words. Do you want a child with her? Do you want to marry her? If she wants another child, perhaps this recent revelation she is just a friend to your family is the nail in the coffin for her. Id be really hurt if I did want a child but just spent 2 of the last years I have to bear children with a man who doesnt see a future with me. Id be hurt and angry

I look on it slightly differently,

Yes the ideal for me is we get married and have a child.  

Before this week, I have been thinking will I sacrifice having the child and just commit to her regardless,

Fair enough I made a mistake with the friend thing,

but now I am thinking the woman would turn on me so easily over a simple mistake, is just being with her enough for me,

I think deserve right to own family and that,

I would like it to be with her- but if that is not to be- perhaps the relationship will not work

Actually for the first time I am adjusting to mindset of maybe it not working out and seeing what the road ahead would be in that case.

 

[Sun Seeker]

31 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I look on it slightly differently,

Yes the ideal for me is we get married and have a child.  

Before this week, I have been thinking will I sacrifice having the child and just commit to her regardless,

Fair enough I made a mistake with the friend thing,

but now I am thinking the woman would turn on me so easily over a simple mistake, is just being with her enough for me,

I think deserve right to own family and that,

I would like it to be with her- but if that is not to be- perhaps the relationship will not work

Actually for the first time I am adjusting to mindset of maybe it not working out and seeing what the road ahead would be in that case.

 

It's not a 'simple mistake' though. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue, you used the word friend because you didn't feel comfortable calling her your girlfriend to your family. After 2 years, she has every right to want to end things over it.

From everything you have posted, it seems this relationship is going nowhere, and you know it but don't want to admit it. Even in your OP your choice of words 'ok thus far' comes across as the relationship has not been that great. 'To the point of living together' as though it wasn't a decision you made, but just happened so you though 'oh well I might as well go along with it'.

Overall you don't seem happy. Sure you might have good moments, but look at the big picture. Marriage, kid etc, are you both really on the same page? Sure doesn't seem like it. Don't settle or 'sacrifice' what you want out of life.

Oh and stop caring so much about what other people think, especially your family. You don't need their approval, you are a grown man. Live your life how you want.

[Daisydooks]

5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

but now I am thinking the woman would turn on me so easily over a simple mistake, is just being with her enough for me,

Has she not invested 2 years into this relationship? She should have said it bothered her this much sooner. I will say that. Communicating to you the importance of meeting your family and feeling included should have been discussed. Youre treating this as a "she turned her back on me suddenly." When you speak to her, ask her how long she has been upset by this (if she hasnt already told you.) I bet she has been upset for quite some time and this was the straw that broke the camels back. It is less "sudden" than you're interpreting this 

5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Actually for the first time I am adjusting to mindset of maybe it not working out and seeing what the road ahead would be in that case.

To be honest, it does sound like there are great things about her and you care a lot about her. On the other hand, there are many incompatibilities

[Wiseman2]

That's true . You'll have to cut the apron strings if you love this woman and want your own life and family.

As far as the blow-up. People don't divorce over bringing home 2% vs 1% milk by mistake.. Usually those types of things are the final straw in long-standing resentments and conflicts. They're just tipping points.

Pay closer attention to the bigger picture. 

[Foxhall]

9 hours ago, Punterxx said:

Oh and stop caring so much about what other people think, especially your family. You don't need their approval, you are a grown man. Live your life how you want.

ok yes, I take your point.

[Foxhall]

5 hours ago, Daisydooks said:

To be honest, it does sound like there are great things about her and you care a lot about her. On the other hand, there are many incompatibilities

Yes this sums it up,

will see how things go over next while,

if the relationship is meant to be, it will survive this,

and if its not, well thats life I suppose.