A simple line blunder- Is this a break-up offence

[elaine567]

He basically denied her existence as his gf, that is not trivia surely?

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

But this is not about labeling, it's about her feeling like you are ashamed of her, not proud of her, which is a whole different scene.

 

Ok good post. yes this is the issue she has made it clear,

Yes whatever happens I will try to address this at least, I do not want her thinking those thoughts.

she is wonderful woman I have always felt from our first meeting.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, DividedTrail said:

She wants you to have ‘your own kids

cheers buddy, good thoughts,

the highlighted there- that is something I want myself too- I dont think I should have to give up on that,

I love the thought of her mexican genes- Id love to have a child with her actually,

but if thats not possible- Im not sure if I can just settle and accept.

[chillii]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes ok the issues between her and my mother

From my mothers point of view

• Problem is girlfriend was previously married- now divorced with 8 year-old son.- Baggage. (My Mam is old school and against that type of thing!)
• She is a Mexican national- this is not so much of an issue as the other-however Mother would feel more comfortable me having lady from own country. 
• Mother feels a certain difficulty relating to someone from a foreign land and different culture. 
• Mother would like me to have children- Im 41, gf is 39. If I had younger woman would be more likely to have children. keeping our assets in family and so on
• Mother is slowing down-needs more help from me-I live close to her and have to be on hand at least half the week. this could be an issue with any perspective girlfriend- 

From girlfriends point of view

• Mother is straight talking and perhaps slightly intimidating- 
• I cannot live full time with gf because my mother needs help.   Gf has good job over two hours away so has to live there.
• Mother was unsociable at the first meeting between them- they got off to bad start.
• Mother has made more of effort subsequently but there is an element of tension- walking on eggshells between them

Otherwise apart from my mistake yesterday, I think I do my best to make girlfriend feel wanted and appreciated,

only two weeks ago I got her a new puppy and she seemed in great form.

Personally I feel we have a good enough dynamic and I still hope to make it work,

but yes as a few people say above- there could be more eruptions ahead

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah , figured some of that undertone was going on but you'd of course know that and of course that gf has been feeling all that a long time now too hence her standing is very important to her after all this time.

lf it's any consolation , l come from a huge family but mum would never call any of our gf's or bf's , gf's or bf's , until we all married no matter what we called them, but then they were promoted to his w or her h. Until then to her they were our friend , which was always pissing them off.

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by chillii

[Lotsgoingon]

The reason she got mind is that there is a pattern of you hiding the relationship from your family.

Which is OK as long as you're up front with her and explain why and your strategy and so on.

Otherwise, yes, this is a major offense, because it reflects a lack of independence on your part. So let's say she gets sick. And at the same time your family has some gathering. What are you going to tell your family?--that you're spending lots of time visiting this woman in the hospital because she is a friend? And to the extent you cannot publicly claim her with your family, there's a chance you won't be there for her if being there for her requires you to say, miss, a family event.

So yes, she should think of dumping you--not because you said this--but because apparently you've been hiding her. And apparently you don't appreciate that your gf's tension with your mom is a huge issue. 

[Alpacalia]

It's one thing if it's a Freudian slip.

This was not.

And, she knew it.

Now you have better insight.

[Daisydooks]

If I was introduced as a friend after 2 YEARS, Id end it. Clearly you arent proud of her or a complete mamas boy. Id end it with you. Yes its a big deal and she has every right to be angry and hurt 

[Daisydooks]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

she is wonderful woman I have always felt from our first meeting.

Why are you scared or ashamed to tell your family this? 

Edited September 13, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Foxhall]

21 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

If I was introduced as a friend after 2 YEARS, Id end it. Clearly you arent proud of her or a complete mamas boy. Id end it with you. Yes its a big deal and she has every right to be angry and hurt 

ah thats a bit harsh. Im not that bad

[Foxhall]

20 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Why are you scared or ashamed to tell your family this? 

I feel quite happy to say this to friends,

there is a bit of an odd dynamic perhaps with my family-look I think they are great people all the same, but we have our little quirks.

 in my mind with uncle was that he has two sons who have basically given up on ever meeting a woman,

so I dont want to be pushing my girlfriend on them,

I admit I was wrong though- I gave more strength to those feelings rather than considering it would hurt my gf alot,

 

[chillii]

Haaaa , you'll be a psychopathic axe murderer by the time they finish.

[Daisydooks]

17 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

ah thats a bit harsh. Im not that bad

Lol. Prove it. I dont think its harsh. I think its honest. Why wont you call her your girlfriend? Its been 2 entire years and your family doesnt even know she exists. You're nearly 40. 

Edited September 13, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Daisydooks]

16 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

in my mind with uncle was that he has two sons who have basically given up on ever meeting a woman

What does this have to do with you?

[Lotsgoingon]

If protecting the egos of the uncle's children (which borders on codependent) was the issue, that's very valid. Why didn't you tell your gf about this?

[Foxhall]

7 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If protecting the egos of the uncle's children (which borders on codependent) was the issue, that's very valid. Why didn't you tell your gf about this?

Yes you put it well. Yes this is a serious consideration for me,

gf doesnt seem to quite get this train of thought- she views it almost completely the same as a few posters have pointed out- that I was suggesting am ashamed of her.

I have been looking at ways to rectify situation,

she has mellowed a little at the thought of meeting up with uncle and some of his family for dinner and meeting them properly - so this may be a runner. 

 

[Foxhall]

23 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

What does this have to do with you?

hmmn trying to keep all sides happy perhaps, which is not possible

[Lotsgoingon]

Trying to keep all sides happy is the problem. At some point, you gotta go all in with the gf. Doesn't mean you reject your family but you don't prioritize their feelings about her. You prioritize your feelings about her--even when dealing with them.  

[Daisydooks]

13 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

hmmn trying to keep all sides happy perhaps, which is not possible

But youre not keeping anyone happy. Surely your family doesnt want to see you alone forever and want to see you loved. No? 

And now she knows she is being hidden/kept secret. So your GF isn't happy. Listen, if this were a couple months in, I probably wouldnt take the same stance. Youve been dating her for 2 years, lying to both her and your family for 2 years and youre ashamed of her. If she wasnt divorced with a child, would you admit to having a GF?

Youre making no one happy here and this cant make you happy either. What would honestly happen if your family knew of her existence? For real? 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Sounds like a train wreck to me.  
‘Your mom sounds quite racist and unfriendly to your gf.  Which makes it uncomfortable to interact with them.  
You seem to defend them more than you do her.  I am sure she picks up,on that.

I don’t see that this will be long term if you do not change and distance yourself from your family until they learn to accept her with open arms.

I am surprised that she would stay with you.  These are pretty big issues.

[Daisydooks]

3 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Your mom sounds quite racist and unfriendly to your gf.

Is it this? Your mother is racist? Or she doesn't like divorced single moms? Or is it because your uncles kids are single? 

At some point, if you love your GF and want to be with her, tell people proudly. 

[Foxhall]

32 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

But youre not keeping anyone happy

Yes is true-agree with you here

[Foxhall]

18 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Or she doesn't like divorced single moms?

this is the main one.

[Foxhall]

24 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I am surprised that she would stay with you.

she knows Im good bloke at heart

Its hitting me today though- I am starting to lose her and I know do not want that

thank you to all respondents- tell people proudly of her-  I will aim for that going forward.

[usa1ah]

11 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes well the girl I have been dating- just over two years now so have been doing ok thus far, have got to point of living together at least part of each month.

Anyway yesterday I made a blunder, probably more of a teenagers mistake, but there you go I am a late developer really in terms of relationships and all that,

Visiting my uncle and herself phones me on a facetime call,

I was caught a little by surprise, my family and I are on the shyish side, and I went on to introduce her to my uncle, "this is my friend"

Anyway she is absolutely furious and hurt,

that why did I not say "girlfriend"

I says its just the way my family speak- we tend to understate things and so on,

I realised almost straight away that had made big mistake,

later on she texted me to say was ending relationship. I managed to smooth things over to an extent well that its too soon for that, we can work through it,

So anyway- well I know what I said was wrong,

But was it really that bad? Is this something you would end a relationship over?

Thank you for reading.

 

 

I think the bigger problem is that she was ending the relationship because of what you said. That is straight up bull s***. 
 

You learned one thing from this, she doesn’t give a damn about you or the relationship 

Edited September 14, 2021 by usa1ah

[glows]

7 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Yes ok the issues between her and my mother

From my mothers point of view

• Problem is girlfriend was previously married- now divorced with 8 year-old son.- Baggage. (My Mam is old school and against that type of thing!)
• She is a Mexican national- this is not so much of an issue as the other-however Mother would feel more comfortable me having lady from own country. 
• Mother feels a certain difficulty relating to someone from a foreign land and different culture. 
• Mother would like me to have children- Im 41, gf is 39. If I had younger woman would be more likely to have children. keeping our assets in family and so on
• Mother is slowing down-needs more help from me-I live close to her and have to be on hand at least half the week. this could be an issue with any perspective girlfriend- 

From girlfriends point of view

• Mother is straight talking and perhaps slightly intimidating- 
• I cannot live full time with gf because my mother needs help.   Gf has good job over two hours away so has to live there.
• Mother was unsociable at the first meeting between them- they got off to bad start.
• Mother has made more of effort subsequently but there is an element of tension- walking on eggshells between them

Otherwise apart from my mistake yesterday, I think I do my best to make girlfriend feel wanted and appreciated,

only two weeks ago I got her a new puppy and she seemed in great form.

Personally I feel we have a good enough dynamic and I still hope to make it work,

but yes as a few people say above- there could be more eruptions ahead

 

Does your girlfriend want to live with you? Are your lives on hold or your time together limited indefinitely because of your mother? Are you open to hiring help instead? Or would your mother move in with you eventually? 

Edited September 14, 2021 by glows