A simple line blunder- Is this a break-up offence

[Foxhall]

Yes well the girl I have been dating- just over two years now so have been doing ok thus far, have got to point of living together at least part of each month.

Anyway yesterday I made a blunder, probably more of a teenagers mistake, but there you go I am a late developer really in terms of relationships and all that,

Visiting my uncle and herself phones me on a facetime call,

I was caught a little by surprise, my family and I are on the shyish side, and I went on to introduce her to my uncle, "this is my friend"

Anyway she is absolutely furious and hurt,

that why did I not say "girlfriend"

I says its just the way my family speak- we tend to understate things and so on,

I realised almost straight away that had made big mistake,

later on she texted me to say was ending relationship. I managed to smooth things over to an extent well that its too soon for that, we can work through it,

So anyway- well I know what I said was wrong,

But was it really that bad? Is this something you would end a relationship over?

Thank you for reading.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Drama queen much.  I understand why she would be hurt but no this is not break up worthy IMO.  Rather it should have prompted a discussion about labels & which one you both preferred.  Have you ever introduced her to anybody as your GF on previous occasions?  

[Foxhall]

Yes she has met a few of my friends- and introduced as girlfriend,

She and my mother have a slightly strained relationship and the person yesterday is my mothers brother,

so that may be a factor in it

In fairness, I have probably met more of her friends than she of mine,

but her personality is more outgoing that way.

[d0nnivain]

Try sending apology flowers.  Maybe offer to arrange a dinner with your family & her so they can all spend time with your GF.  She's looking for validation that she is important to you but her over the top response is a red flag.  She may not be open to listening to reason since she already drew a line in the sand &  dumped you.  

[elaine567]

"friend" implies the relationship is not serious, casual, going nowhere.
She will see this as you are not proud of her, you do not see her as gf material.
After 2 years that is a bit of an insult...
Also, This was a relative, someone close to you, she will deduce  that if you are introducing her to him as a "friend" ie downplaying her status, then that is how you truly see her...
You damaged your relationship here, sorry to say. 

[BeingMei]

I don't think it's a relationship ending comment but I can see why she may be hurt. I think if you just let her know you know you messed up, you understand her feelings and then rectify it, maybe introduce her to the family properly. Her relationship with you mother does not need to affect relationships with other family members. You just need to make sure she knows your feelings and intentions and you apologise. 

[smackie9]

Wow man that's a slap in da face. You devalued your two year relationship in front of your family and her in one sentence. What the hell.

Edited September 13, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

She and my mother have a slightly strained relationship

Sorry this is happening. This seems to be more of an issue than a random misspoken introduction. Try to get the strained family relationships out in the open and see what she has to say.

[Foxhall]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Wow man that's a slap in da face. You devalued your two year relationship in front of your family and her in one sentence. What the hell.

Honestly that was not my intention,

but I guess thats how she is feeling

 

[smackie9]

Not just how she is feeling...it just is! It's quite insulting.

Edited September 13, 2021 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

"There Are No Mistakes." ~ Sigmund Freud.

No such thing as a simple "blunder." 

Everything we say is said with intent, even on a subconscious level.

Explore within why you referred to your girlfriend of two years as a "friend" to your mom.

But not your mates?  With them, she's your girlfriend.

I wouldn't even begin to speculate but I would start with your relationship with your mom.

I'm not big on labels, so for me, I might tease you about it, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

But everyone is different and this happened for a reason so maybe it's a good thing.

Allows for some introspection and a look within and also at your relationship with both your girlfriend and your mom.

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

Blunder yeah , but to dump , get real . l think she'll settle down but eh , wouldn't try for seconds.

Hire a sky writer and announce to the world my girlfriend in the sky should do it.

Edited September 13, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

Just now, chillii said:

Blunder yeah , but to dump , get real . l think she'll settle down but eh , wouldn't try for seconds.

Agree. What were you supposed to say? "Lover"? "Soon to be betrothed"? Love of my life"? "The most beautiful woman on earth"?

First of all GF is not some official title anyway. It means you are dating exclusively and are a couple. She doesn't know this?

If she gets is snits like this over simple semantics there's a lot more wrong with the relationship than what's stated here. 

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What were you supposed to say? "Lover"? "Soon to be betrothed"? Love of my life"? "The most beautiful woman on earth"?

Lol, why so dramatic?

How about "girlfriend" like he refers to her with his friends?

That's what she is after all, no need to be dramatic about it (i.e lover, soon to be betrothed, love of my life??).

Anyway, OP, not to get all deep on ya, but per my previous post, there IS a reason you referred to her as "friend" to your mom.

Think about it, at least.  

That said, I DO think your girlfriend's reaction was over the top.

But my guess is it was a build-up of things, it's rarely just one thing that ends a long term relationship.

This was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. 

JMO.

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

I can understand her being upset. However, how you/your partner react to something upsetting is important.

IMO this should be something that can be discussed and you certainly should agree to call her GF, which is appropriate. She may be sensing or believe she's sensing, an underlying hesitancy to "commit" to her on your part, and even if that's wrong, it's (perhaps) something to address.

That said, IF she really is going to end the relationship over this, you have consider the possibility that it's been a house of cards for a while now, waiting for a trigger event to end it.

Edited September 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[glows]

The reaction to "friend" compared to "girlfriend/boyfriend" would vary. I have a twisted humour and enjoy irony so understating a two year relationship would tickle me. Others might not find it amusing. What kinds of issues does she have with your mother? 

[Alpacalia]

Two years and practically living together and referred to as friend.

Odd.

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Yes well the girl I have been dating- just over two years now so have been doing ok thus far, have got to point of living together at least part of each month.

 

[elaine567]

Why does your Mom not like your gf? 

[Andy_K]

Drama Queen.

Sure, she can be upset. That's understandable. But ultimately what's really important here is your intention & your feelings, not what you actually said in the heat of the moment. If she doesn't understand that and isn't willing to reconcile, she has some growing up to do.

[DividedTrail]

You mentioned your mother and your girlfriend have a strained relationship and a good question was asked, why is that?

I can speak from experience that you need to sort that out. In my case, it was primarily my mother causing problems because of her expectations and trying to force them on others. I grew up with it and just blew it off. But my now wife wasn’t having it. It took me awhile to get it but when it would come to a head, I always backed my fiancé. Always. So if your mother is and has been difficult in some ways that is encroaching on your relationship, you need to man up a bit and tell her to back off and not be worried what your family thinks. Nicely if you can. 

Now if your girlfriend is the primary drama queen and instigator, whew. All I can say is good luck. But you will need to man up with her at some point and tell her she is out of line. Much more difficult. 

The dynamic between female SOs and mothers including extended family can be a volcano waiting to explode. If you don’t figure it out, and your relationship leads to engagement and marriage, you will be in for a wild ride unless you just ultimately cut her or your family loose. 
 

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by DividedTrail

[Foxhall]

Yes ok the issues between her and my mother

From my mothers point of view

• Problem is girlfriend was previously married- now divorced with 8 year-old son.- Baggage. (My Mam is old school and against that type of thing!)
• She is a Mexican national- this is not so much of an issue as the other-however Mother would feel more comfortable me having lady from own country. 
• Mother feels a certain difficulty relating to someone from a foreign land and different culture. 
• Mother would like me to have children- Im 41, gf is 39. If I had younger woman would be more likely to have children. keeping our assets in family and so on
• Mother is slowing down-needs more help from me-I live close to her and have to be on hand at least half the week. this could be an issue with any perspective girlfriend- 

From girlfriends point of view

• Mother is straight talking and perhaps slightly intimidating- 
• I cannot live full time with gf because my mother needs help.   Gf has good job over two hours away so has to live there.
• Mother was unsociable at the first meeting between them- they got off to bad start.
• Mother has made more of effort subsequently but there is an element of tension- walking on eggshells between them

Otherwise apart from my mistake yesterday, I think I do my best to make girlfriend feel wanted and appreciated,

only two weeks ago I got her a new puppy and she seemed in great form.

Personally I feel we have a good enough dynamic and I still hope to make it work,

but yes as a few people say above- there could be more eruptions ahead

 

 

 

 

 

[Foxhall]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Everything we say is said with intent, even on a subconscious level.

Explore within why you referred to your girlfriend of two years as a "friend" to your mom

to my uncle I referred this,

Mom knows her for a year or so now,

yes ok the subconscious thing, 

perhaps from what I say in previous post, I am carrying that notion that my extended family "will not approve of her"

so perhaps that was in back of my mind, however I ignored her feelings I suppose

gf says to me I have to be "brave enough" to be with her or else we can forget about it.

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

gf says to me I have to be "brave enough" to be with her or else we can forget about it.

Bingo.  I figured there was more to this than you simply referring to her as a "friend" to your mom.

It goes deeper, like most things in life.

She feels like you are ashamed of her, you are not proud of her.

My advice is apologize and let her know that you are proud of her, proud that she is your girlfriend and that you intend to tell your mother she IS your girlfriend, that you love her, she may become your life partner and that she (your mom) needs to accept her as such.

In other words, it's time to stand up to your mother.  I get she needs your help and that doesn't have to stop.  But you are allowing her to emotionally manipulate you, so much so you can't even bring yourself to refer to your girlfriend of two years as your "girlfriend." 

Fearing her disapproval, shame.

Your gf is not being a "drama queen" about this, she's HURT.  I would be too quite frankly and like I said I am NOT even into labels.

But this is not about labeling, it's about her feeling like you are ashamed of her, not proud of her, which is a whole different scene.

 

 

Edited September 13, 2021 by poppyfields

[DividedTrail]

Oof. You are in a spot brother.

You have two women in your life that you love and love you but are competing for your time. Each has legitimate needs and some maybe not so much.

Your mom: 

Has some traditional/cultural/religious hang ups. I’m not sure you can do much about that.

She wants you to have ‘your own kids’. Well she may just have to ‘settle’ for your girlfriend's son assuming you get married. I would hope she would treat him like her own biological grandson.

How much help does she need? Could she be pulling at your heartstrings and being too needy? Can other family members help? Can you consolidate the things she needs help with to less days?

Your girlfriend:

Perhaps your girlfriend could try to be more assertive and maybe ‘win’ some respect points from your mom. Maybe I watch too many movies lol

Being unable to live full time with your girlfriend is a major issue. What is the plan if you two get married? That isn’t going to fly long term. She probably not only wants more time with you but a partner to help raise her son even if in a step-father role.

Their first meeting went poorly. At some point they both need to let that go especially if they are both really trying.

In general

Your girlfriend wants you to be “brave enough to be with her” lol I mean part of me is like oh brother. But maybe she is right. Women are smart and if she senses that your mother is manipulating you in a way, she is trying to get you to wake up and “be a man”. Hard to say because you probably spent a lot of time helping your mom when you two first started dating so she kind of knew what the deal was.

If it was me, I would bend over backwards to make sure my girlfriend knew I loved her and wasn’t ashamed of her. Especially when it comes to your family. If you want to marry this woman, she needs to be the priority. Your girlfriend also needs to accept that you will have other family obligations at times.

Do you have anyone in your family that you can confide in and could act as a mediator? You’re uncle maybe?

It almost sounds like you need to get everyone together: your mother, your uncle, other family members and your girlfriend and announce your love for her and what she means to you.  Acknowledge your mothers needs and your obligation to her. Let everyone know what you can and cannot do (deferring to your girlfriend's needs). Let everyone know where you stand. That’s probably a bad idea, don’t listen to me lol  

[Wiseman2]

Yes, she overreacted to this because of ongoing conflict with you/your n mothers situation.

Obviously your family knows she's your GF, so she's upset about something else.

Most likely taking your mother's side on issues.

 Nitpicking about trivia is usually about a larger issue lurking underneath.