I want to know what you think about my date

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Try to do things that are more romantic. Skip  feeling upset when you do car sexual activity and he "wasn't attentive enough".

If you would rather go slowly he's on board with that so why send mixed signals?

Wait until you have the confidence, privacy and security to have sexual encounters. 

That makes so much sense to me, i wasnt ready for it, just happened. you are right

[Crazelnut]

Girl, really? First, ewww. What a lovely way to end a romantic picnic date -- NOT. That's just so tacky. Second, a hand job IS sex! You are totally sending him mixed messages.  Third, you need to learn how to communicate. You said you don't want/need anything when you actually did. More mixed messages. 

[jenny 73]

31 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Girl, really? First, ewww. What a lovely way to end a romantic picnic date -- NOT. That's just so tacky. Second, a hand job IS sex! You are totally sending him mixed messages.  Third, you need to learn how to communicate. You said you don't want/need anything when you actually did. More mixed messages. 

I know I have sent mixed messages, I'll make sure to communicate and tell him everything next time (if i get a next time). I am just not experienced at all....

[jenny 73]

2 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

I know I have sent mixed messages, I'll make sure to communicate and tell him everything next time (if i get a next time). I am just not experienced at all....

Also I wanted ask if you have recommendations for me in terms of how to proceed, now I feel bad and hope can make it better.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, jenny 73 said:

Also I wanted ask if you have recommendations for me in terms of how to proceed, now I feel bad and hope can make it better.

There's nothing to make better for him because he came.  You're the one who cheated yourself out of a movie and chill by suggesting the car make out date which resulted in a release for him.  How are you going to make this up to you is the question?

[jenny 73]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There's nothing to make better for him because he came.  You're the one who cheated yourself out of a movie and chill by suggesting the car make out date which resulted in a release for him.  How are you going to make this up to you is the question?

I didnt mean make in things better for anyone pleasure-wise necessarily. More of a communication and having a good time together thing. I understand your point of view though. However, that has passed and I need to look forward

[DividedTrail]

You say you have been dating for three months but it looks like you have only been on three dates. That isn't much time at all.

You say you gave him a hand-job because you wanted to. Did you really want to or just felt you 'should' do something sexual but weren't ready for the full deal?

I will say for a 30 year old guy (not that he is old) and assuming it didn't take an hour, the fact you took him to completion in public no less, pat yourself on the back   

But seriously, what concerns me is you say you feel bad and want to know what to do. At this point I would text if you want or wait for him to text. I'm kinda confused. You said you have some insecurities so just be honest with yourself about what you want and feel and don't do things because you think you should. Especially at this stage. 

The way you describe this guy, I envision Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Not in looks per se but one speed, not outwardly expressive no matter what is happening. For me, if I was on a third date, attracted to the person,  was asked if I wanted a hand-job and it felt OK/right, and they were OK with it I'd have had my hands all over them, kissing, eye contact. Holy cow. I get the impression this guy was acting like he was getting a haircut.

ETA: I agree that after it was done, don't expect any logic. If he was trying to cross the street, he could have walked in front of a bus oblivious to the world around him lol

Edited September 13, 2021 by DividedTrail

[jenny 73]

1 hour ago, DividedTrail said:

You say you have been dating for three months but it looks like you have only been on three dates. That isn't much time at all.

You say you gave him a hand-job because you wanted to. Did you really want to or just felt you 'should' do something sexual but weren't ready for the full deal?

I will say for a 30 year old guy (not that he is old) and assuming it didn't take an hour, the fact you took him to completion in public no less, pat yourself on the back   

But seriously, what concerns me is you say you feel bad and want to know what to do. At this point I would text if you want or wait for him to text. I'm kinda confused. You said you have some insecurities so just be honest with yourself about what you want and feel and don't do things because you think you should. Especially at this stage. 

The way you describe this guy, I envision Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. Not in looks per se but one speed, not outwardly expressive no matter what is happening. For me, if I was on a third date, attracted to the person,  was asked if I wanted a hand-job and it felt OK/right, and they were OK with it I'd have had my hands all over them, kissing, eye contact. Holy cow. I get the impression this guy was acting like he was getting a haircut.

ETA: I agree that after it was done, don't expect any logic. If he was trying to cross the street, he could have walked in front of a bus oblivious to the world around him lol

thanks for the feedback, it made me smile haha. well we have been on 6 dates now.  I didn't feel pressure and just did it for him to have a good time. He assured me to just do what i am comfortable with so I didnt feel like I have to do anything. 

I am just not sure if he likes me enough ( i havent been in a relationship before and tend to be underconfident-yes) and also if he wants to be with more for more than just sexual stuff. These are my main concerns but maybe I am just overthinking it. also this was my third hand job and I was also curious if I can do it.  He was into the whole thing very much that he was sweating like crazy and so was I. but he  got sleepy after. also he just got back in town from a 10 day vacation and maybe he should have been tired and I am just being overly sensitive!

[Mrin]

OP: google "It's Business Time" and watch the song video by Flight of the Conchords. I think you'll find the end of it humorous.

[glows]

9 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

@glows thank you so much for the kind wish! I have been dealing with it for a while now. did you also break your foot in climbing/bouldering? 

I appreciate your reply about the date, I guess I am just a bit uncertain because it takes him long time to initiate texts and that makes me think maybe he is not that serious or into me. but he has said he is bad in texting.

No, I broke my foot playing baseball. I've always wanted to try bouldering though. The early part of dating can be nervewrecking. It's three months and he sounds decent. I'd say give the trust and intimacy time to develop. You can also try to pick up on non-verbal cues and communication if your partner is not verbose or doesn't talk much. I find it so much more peaceful when a relationship is built on trust and quiet simplicity, knowing and understanding each other over time. 

[DividedTrail]

4 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

thanks for the feedback, it made me smile haha. well we have been on 6 dates now.  I didn't feel pressure and just did it for him to have a good time. He assured me to just do what i am comfortable with so I didnt feel like I have to do anything. 

I am just not sure if he likes me enough ( i havent been in a relationship before and tend to be underconfident-yes) and also if he wants to be with more for more than just sexual stuff. These are my main concerns but maybe I am just overthinking it. also this was my third hand job and I was also curious if I can do it.  He was into the whole thing very much that he was sweating like crazy and so was I. but he  got sleepy after. also he just got back in town from a 10 day vacation and maybe he should have been tired and I am just being overly sensitive!

Well I am glad I could make you smile  You mention your guy sometimes doesn't talk much but I have to say, the way you write, you seem like a pretty chill person yourself. I mean even the way you explain giving a guy a hand-job in a car seemed sweet to me. I don't know, maybe I'm weird.

Since you lack experience in relationships, I think all you can really do is have conversations with yourself about what you want, what you need, how you think you should be treated, etc. And have fun spending time together and see how he treats you over time. Just be careful with 'lists'. No guy will check all the boxes.

I know you have roommates but like maybe you guys could plan a 'go grocery shopping together and make dinner at home night'. That would get you both talking and planning while giving you something to do. The more things you can do together in different settings will give you a better idea what kind of man he is. 

I will offer this too. How experienced is your guy with relationships? Maybe he is in a similar boat as you. Maybe he is shy or doesn't really know what to do either. My first long term relationship was with a woman that was a few years older than me. We worked in the same place but different shifts. I knew her but not that well. I found out through our boss that she liked me. Our boss was this cool older British lady and had good advice for us 'kids'. Anyway she asked me out and I accepted. Boss told me 'don't screw this up' . We dated for awhile and became a couple. I remember my boss telling me 'older women can teach you things' lol. I was pretty shy back then and had no idea what to do. Anyway, I know you are younger than him but hear me out. This woman I dated really was the teacher or guide in the relationship. She liked me and eventually we fell in love and ended up living together. So she was fine with that role. I mean she wasn't demanding like you have to do this and you have to do that, but she was patient and didn't go too far ahead of what I was capable of. 

I guess my point is, maybe you need to be the guide, at least in the beginning. For some women that is a turn off but not for others. It might be as simple as, you don't have to ask to hold my hand. Maybe next time we get together you can tell me about a couple things that happened to you this week without me asking. What do you like about me? I don't know, whatever you think would be nice. There are also card games for couples that have you answer questions and stuff. Some are PG and some are more sexual, so you could pick accordingly. It could be, once he feels some level of comfort, he won't shut up. 

ETA: This all assuming you really like him and things are kinda moving in the right direction for you. It could be he is too much work and you should probably take what you learned to the next relationship.

Edited September 14, 2021 by DividedTrail

[Amanda92]

You need to set boundaries and manifest what you want. You want a romantic relationship, so before any kind of sex make sure that he cares about you, that he contact you everyday and that he invite you for dates. Don't meet him in your/his apartment and don't touch him in a car unless you feel safe and ready to have sex. Don't have sex only because you are afraid that you lose him. Make it more romantic (because apparently you are not looking for a hookup). And ask yourself if you really want to date a guy who even don't ask you question and don't start any conversation. Ask yourself how would you like to be treated by men and require it. If you don't like him enough, just let him go and find someone who will treat you better.

Edited September 14, 2021 by Amanda92

[jenny 73]

21 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

You need to set boundaries and manifest what you want. You want a romantic relationship, so before any kind of sex make sure that he cares about you, that he contact you everyday and that he invite you for dates. Don't meet him in your/his apartment and don't touch him in a car unless you feel safe and ready to have sex. Don't have sex only because you are afraid that you lose him. Make it more romantic (because apparently you are not looking for a hookup). And ask yourself if you really want to date a guy who even don't ask you question and don't start any conversation. Ask yourself how would you like to be treated by men and require it. If you don't like him enough, just let him go and find someone who will treat you better.

Thanks Amanda! I agree. however, I am not sure if he is treating me well or not, maybe it is because I dont have almost any prior experience..... he seems nice, doesnt text but asks me out and asks how I am doing thats nice..

[d0nnivain]

You having limited experience explains some of your actions & inability to be clear.  

A picnic at the beach sounds like an OK date but sex in a car is so . . .high school.   Don't kid yourself.  That hand job was a sex act even if it wasn't penetrative sex.  Here's the thing about that.  By gratifying him in his car you are teaching him that he doesn't have to value you or make it good for you.   Even if you told him you have little experience he doesn't know that.  He thinks you are willing to get any guy off in a car because that is what you did for him.  

Unless you share a studio or 1 BR with a roommate, having roommates should not be an impediment to going to one of your places.  Stop settling for a car.  

[smackie9]

21 hours ago, jenny 73 said:

I see your point, high heels are hard because I literatlly have been in a cast after our second date and I am restricted on these haha. So far he has responded pretty well I was just hoping he would be more affectionate after he came but not sure if thats reasonable expectation. can you comment a bit more specifically? thanks

Pretty much be more accommodating, out going if you see them being reserved or shy. It's about having the ability to set the mood of the date. The ability to be charming, show some of your own charisma but in a feminine way. 

[Amanda92]

Tell him that it would be nice if he would text you more often.

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Unless you share a studio or 1 BR with a roommate, having roommates should not be an impediment to going to one of your places.  Stop settling for a car.  

But for him it could be information that she wants sex and also it's low effort, so I would expect going out in the beginning of dating.

[Ivanly]

Thanks Jenny for sharing your story. Here is my 5cent worth. Start been assertive and accept who you are. You are beautiful the way you are and there is no need to change yourself for anyone. Don't be afraid to loose him otherwise you will be putting alot of stress on yourself. Just enjoy the time when both of you are together. Sometime relationship cannot be forced, if is meant to be, is meant to be.

Alternatively, you can check on him to see whether anything is troubling him. You can show him some care and concerns and motivate him that at the end of the day, everything will be alright. Based on your story, it might appears that he has not open up to you yet. Ask him questions, be interested in the things that he is doing. Show him that you are interested to be part of his life.

Lastly, is alright to just drop him a quick text to check out how is he. But if you are always the first one to text, then good to ignore him for a period of time and focus on whatever is important to you. E.g. work, life. Don't show the needy side of you. Show him that you can still live life to the fullest without him.

Cheers

[jenny 73]

On 9/13/2021 at 8:54 PM, DividedTrail said:

Well I am glad I could make you smile  You mention your guy sometimes doesn't talk much but I have to say, the way you write, you seem like a pretty chill person yourself. I mean even the way you explain giving a guy a hand-job in a car seemed sweet to me. I don't know, maybe I'm weird.

Since you lack experience in relationships, I think all you can really do is have conversations with yourself about what you want, what you need, how you think you should be treated, etc. And have fun spending time together and see how he treats you over time. Just be careful with 'lists'. No guy will check all the boxes.

I know you have roommates but like maybe you guys could plan a 'go grocery shopping together and make dinner at home night'. That would get you both talking and planning while giving you something to do. The more things you can do together in different settings will give you a better idea what kind of man he is. 

I will offer this too. How experienced is your guy with relationships? Maybe he is in a similar boat as you. Maybe he is shy or doesn't really know what to do either. My first long term relationship was with a woman that was a few years older than me. We worked in the same place but different shifts. I knew her but not that well. I found out through our boss that she liked me. Our boss was this cool older British lady and had good advice for us 'kids'. Anyway she asked me out and I accepted. Boss told me 'don't screw this up' . We dated for awhile and became a couple. I remember my boss telling me 'older women can teach you things' lol. I was pretty shy back then and had no idea what to do. Anyway, I know you are younger than him but hear me out. This woman I dated really was the teacher or guide in the relationship. She liked me and eventually we fell in love and ended up living together. So she was fine with that role. I mean she wasn't demanding like you have to do this and you have to do that, but she was patient and didn't go too far ahead of what I was capable of. 

I guess my point is, maybe you need to be the guide, at least in the beginning. For some women that is a turn off but not for others. It might be as simple as, you don't have to ask to hold my hand. Maybe next time we get together you can tell me about a couple things that happened to you this week without me asking. What do you like about me? I don't know, whatever you think would be nice. There are also card games for couples that have you answer questions and stuff. Some are PG and some are more sexual, so you could pick accordingly. It could be, once he feels some level of comfort, he won't shut up. 

ETA: This all assuming you really like him and things are kinda moving in the right direction for you. It could be he is too much work and you should probably take what you learned to the next relationship.

thank for this feedback I appreciate it! I like him and I think he does too. Both of us are not very experienced either but I think he is still more than me! I do like to explore things further and while I did not plan on the sexual interaction like that, I dont regret it and I did it spontaneously for fun and making him happy  although i felt a bit down later that is probably okay to feel as long as he cared about me and he did. Next time I see him, I will mention that i want to explore things to know him more than to have sexual pleasure and want to make sure I have not sent mixed signals. and i kind of feel some people judge what I did here and that makes it less likely for me to share things in future, maybe I can become more independent and learn about myself and trust my choices along the process  thank you again 

[jenny 73]

On 9/13/2021 at 8:06 PM, glows said:

No, I broke my foot playing baseball. I've always wanted to try bouldering though. The early part of dating can be nervewrecking. It's three months and he sounds decent. I'd say give the trust and intimacy time to develop. You can also try to pick up on non-verbal cues and communication if your partner is not verbose or doesn't talk much. I find it so much more peaceful when a relationship is built on trust and quiet simplicity, knowing and understanding each other over time. 

hope I can build something with someone on trust and love  thanks!

[Nothanks]

I think you are doing the right thing. Take sex off the table and get to know each other better first. You don’t have to announce it necessarily but why don’t you ask him on a date to do something during the day where sex won’t be expected?  As for texting, don’t jump to conclusions too soon. Texting behaviour varies. If he is still responding to you and showing interest, then i wouldn’t worry too much.  One thing though - if you are the kind of person that likes to hear words of affirmation ( you are beautiful,etc) and he isn’t really that kind of guy, you are going to have to decide at some point how important that is to you.  It sounds too soon to know for sure yet.  And please do not worry about being inexperienced…..everyone has to figure things out when meeting someone new no matter how old or experienced they are.  You are doing fine.  

[introverted1]

 

On 9/14/2021 at 2:11 PM, Amanda92 said:

Tell him that it would be nice if he would text you more often.

But for him it could be information that she wants sex and also it's low effort, so I would expect going out in the beginning of dating.

Nothing screams low effort like a handjob in a car.

[jenny 73]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

Nothing screams low effort like a handjob in a car.

can you explain a bit more?