Staying friends with ex and their friends

[TobiasPelagiad]

Hi! Apologies if this ends up being a wall of text - I will try to keep it to the bare minimum if I can.

 

In short, me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up 3 months ago. To be specific, she broke up with me. Although it wasn’t what I wanted and I felt crushed at the time, it was an amicable break up. It just seemed that her feelings for me had drifted away in the months leading up to that point, and she no longer felt the same as she did. During the breakup chat, she mentioned about how she still wanted to be friends. Now I’m old and ugly enough to know that a lot of the time that is just said to soften the blow to the dumpee at the time, the same as saying to a workmate when they leave for another job “We need to keep in touch!”, despite both parties knowing in their hearts that in reality it probably won’t really happen, but that it’s nicer than being blunt and saying “I doubt we’ll ever talk again!”. However, the flip side of that was I also recalled previous conversations I’d had with my now-ex, where she'd tell me about her ex that came before me, and how that when they’d broke up they both agreed to stay in touch as friends, but that he'd quickly disappeared off the map and she never heard from him again. She’d tell me she was disappointed at the time, as she’d genuinely wanted to stay friends with him. That, coupled with the fact my ex always would tell me that she meant what she said (I’m bad for trying to read between the lines in what people say, which would annoy my ex) made me think hey, maybe she does really want me to stay friends.

 

So, I thought I’d give it a go with her as a friend, and also her friend group as I’d got quite close to them too over the years. I’m now 3 months into this post-relationship friendzone with my ex and her friends and I have to admit that my ex’s friends, including her best friend, have been really supportive post-breakup. Her best friend messaged me unprompted a couple of days after the breakup to say that she was sorry to hear about us, but that no matter what I was still a part of their group of friends, and she, as well as a few other of her friends, have checked in on me a few times since then. I've been invited to her best friend's flat warming (I declined at that point because it was a little too soon after the breakup and my ex was going to be there), and a couple of her guy friends took me out for a drink. I’m also part of their group chat, and although I don’t message as much, I do still chip in here and there, and even chat and joke with my ex in that chat. They've basically included me as they did before, which has gave me comfort in an otherwise rotten few months. 

 

But despite how nice it is to have this friend group, I’m starting to question myself if I’m doing the right thing. I genuinely do like her friends, and my life would be a more boring place without them, but I sometimes think that my keeping in contact with my ex and her friends is holding me back from moving on. I live in fear for the moment when she meets someone else and introduces them to her friends…and I’m still there. It feels almost unsustainable, not just for me but for her: how weird will it be for her when she’s introducing her new boyfriend to her friends, and she has to go “…and this is Tobias, my ex”. I know in an ideal world everyone should be all cool and okay with it, and it should all be one love and all that, but realistically it will probably just be weird for everyone involved. And then what happens? Should I do the decent thing and fall on my own sword and bow out of the group, but if so then what am I: some placeholder man filling in a space until the new guy comes along? If so, and that’s what’s going to happen later down the line, then why give myself the stress of it and instead just leave now, explaining that whilst everyone has been lovely and that I don’t want to go, I can see how this will pan out in the long run and so I’m pre-empting that by just making my exit now and cutting my losses while she's still single herself, to save me the pain of seeing her meet someone else and my leaving therefore being a more forced than voluntary exit.  

 

But if I do leave now, then I feel I’m throwing away a good group of people that I do get on with. I do have my own friends, but it's now a more dispersed and scattered group as they're all married with young kids and their own lives, so whilst we haven't drifted apart, there certainly is more a gap between us all. It's more of a meet-every-6-to-12-months kind of thing, rather than a daily chatting and meeting regularly arrangement I had with my ex's group. Also Coronavirus has meant that my company shut and sold my office, and I now work from home, meaning I've lost the work friends I had before. Finally, I’m not gonna lie, I do still have strong feelings for my ex and I guess part of me lives in hope that if I stick around long enough she'll somehow magically change her mind and feelings about me. My rational mind says this is highly unlikely, but then her friend has said things to me like that she thinks my ex still "misses me", which then reinvigorates my small fire of hope, making me worry that leaving the group would mean throwing away a chance of rekindling the relationship. 

 

So I guess I just don't know what to do for the best. I can imagine the answer is cut ties with them all, but it just feels so hard. They've been my life for the past 3 years. Before that I didn't really have much of a social life beyond work, and now I don't even have that anymore to fall back on. It just seems a very lonely road to voluntarily go down. But......I do feel that I'm just extending the heartache by hanging around, and unless I get some clear signs I've got a second chance, then I am just going to be a temporary friend until the new guy comes on the scene, at which point I don't think I realistically can hang around. That could be any time: next year, next few months, heck next week. Do I really want to sit in stasis for that? Any advice would be appreciated

 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by TobiasPelagiad
Spelling!

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, TobiasPelagiad said:

Do I really want to sit in stasis for that?

That's the question. Sure socialize here and there, but step  back and reunite more with your own friends. make new friends .

 While it seems ok now, there'll be a time when she starts dating and you'll know through through grapevine or through her. It won't be pretty.

Prepare now for the inevitable.

Get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low key coffee. Join some clubs, groups, take classes, volunteer, etc.

Stay busy in ways that do not involve your ex or her friends.

[glows]

You’ve rationalized quite a lot on your own. The issue is your feelings for her and that you don’t have support, your own friends.

It may seem daunting at first but try and branch out and find other groups and make new friends. I think her group is being gracious but also doing you a disservice, especially feeding you little quips and comments about your ex missing you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, TobiasPelagiad said:

how weird will it be for her when she’s introducing her new boyfriend to her friends, and she has to go “…and this is Tobias, my ex”. I know in an ideal world everyone should be all cool and okay with it, and it should all be one love and all that,

I actually don't agree that this is ideal. 

Whatever you are comfortable with is ideal. And for many, that is not a world where everyone is all love and happiness around their exes - but a world with reasonable and approrpriate boundaries, there to keep your emotional well-being intact. And if that means keeping distance from an ex, then that's ideal for you. Too many people try to force themselves to be fine being friends with an ex but it is often an unrealistic prospect, especially in the months following an unwanted break-up. 

I would personally make it goal to expand your own social circle beyond these people. They sound kind, but they really don't need to be your only social outlet. Look for other ways to branch out. You don't necessarily need to cut them all off completely, but I would opt out of the group chat and keep any interaction separate from your ex. 

[TobiasPelagiad]

Thanks for all the replies  

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's the question. Sure socialize here and there, but step  back and reunite more with your own friends. make new friends .

 While it seems ok now, there'll be a time when she starts dating and you'll know through through grapevine or through her. It won't be pretty.

Prepare now for the inevitable.

Get on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low key coffee. Join some clubs, groups, take classes, volunteer, etc.

Stay busy in ways that do not involve your ex or her friends.

You are right, I've already mentally thought through the inevitable, and almost every outcome involves me being the one having to step away to make it less awkward, and also lessen the pain for myself. I think I might have to make some new friends. Not that there's anything wrong with my old, long-time friends, but being realistic their priorities are with their young families now, which will take up most of their time for the next 18-20 years. Nobody's done anything wrong, but I can't help feel like the odd one outsider being the now only single guy whose friends are all married and with kids. I've been thinking about signing up for some clubs, just going in cold where I don't know anybody. I'm a bit scared of dating apps, though. The only times I've ever dated and got into relationships have been where there's been a prior relationship or link where I've gotten to know the person first in a non-dating way: at college, a friend of a friend who I've met a few times at gatherings, a workmate I've gotten close to, that kind of thing. 

 

20 hours ago, glows said:

You’ve rationalized quite a lot on your own. The issue is your feelings for her and that you don’t have support, your own friends.

It may seem daunting at first but try and branch out and find other groups and make new friends. I think her group is being gracious but also doing you a disservice, especially feeding you little quips and comments about your ex missing you. 

I might've slightly misrepresented the friends a little there, to be fair. When she said that she thought my ex missed me, it was prompted by my saying that I still missed her (it just came up in discussion). Regardless though, it does still give me (probably false) hope that this is all just temporary, even though she probably didn't mean to do that (I think she was just trying to comfort me and make me feel less bad). But yeah, you're right: I need to branch out more. Just feels so hard starting again!

 

18 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I actually don't agree that this is ideal. 

Whatever you are comfortable with is ideal. And for many, that is not a world where everyone is all love and happiness around their exes - but a world with reasonable and approrpriate boundaries, there to keep your emotional well-being intact. And if that means keeping distance from an ex, then that's ideal for you. Too many people try to force themselves to be fine being friends with an ex but it is often an unrealistic prospect, especially in the months following an unwanted break-up. 

I would personally make it goal to expand your own social circle beyond these people. They sound kind, but they really don't need to be your only social outlet. Look for other ways to branch out. You don't necessarily need to cut them all off completely, but I would opt out of the group chat and keep any interaction separate from your ex. 

Again, you're right. I need to expand my social circle. My ex's friends were basically my social life for years, so now I'm out the other side I feel loss from both my ex, but the world that came around her. I think I'm going to back away. Not cut them out, but at least back off any day to day chats, because as much as I try to pretend that I'm all fine with it and have adapted to being just a friend to everyone, I haven't really. I still pine over her, and being relegated to just a name in the group to her really hurts, at least at the moment. 

It all just feels so hard starting again. I know I'm probably about the billionth person who's posted on here about this kind of thing, so everything I'm saying you've all probably all heard before a bajillion times, but it's just feels so hard and tiring to have to start again. It took me so long and such a long period of lonely nothingness in my life to finally meet someone that a) I liked b) liked me, and c) I had the confidence to ask out. I'll be honest that I was single for years prior to meeting her. A large chunk of my late 20s and early 30s I had nothing, and I'd kind of resigned myself to a permanent single life, to the point that I was starting to make peace with it. I felt trepidatious at the thought of having to adapt and share my life with someone else. I used to see my friends with their partners, having to go to weddings and family gatherings, and arguing over what movie to watch or whose turn it was to visit their parents for Christmas, and I felt a slight feeling of pleasure that I didn't have to worry about any of that. Yeah, I was alone but I could also do what I wanted, when I wanted, and had to answer to nobody. Now I'm just out of this 3 year relationship and I'd give anything to have all my time taken up again with going to weddings, and meals with family members I hardly know, and arguing over what movie to go see, just so I could be back with her. I have all this free time back and I don't know what to do with it all. Sorry, that all was a bit of a vent - I don't have many people in my life I feel comfortable opening up to, hence I'm anonymously venting into a forum  

[glows]

36 minutes ago, TobiasPelagiad said:

I have all this free time back and I don't know what to do with it all. 

Start with a thought and an interest. What are you interested in? For example, I like food and I'm a morning person. I joined a local brunch club that meets weekly for brunch.

Or, a sport. I like kayaking. I am part of a couple of kayaking groups that hold swap meets, events and coordinate trips.

You can work with what you like. Start simple and move your way researching and exploring local groups in your area. You can try something out and then also decide later whether it's for you, if it's a new interest (something you've not tried before). I went with existing interests first because of course that's what I know makes me happy already. I'm exploratory by nature so this was/is great fun for me. Good luck with this. I think you'll have a ball. You just have to do it and see what works for you. 

[d0nnivain]

I'm a firm believer that broken up means apart on all levels.  You keep your friends.  They keep their friends.  You can be civil when you see these other people out & about but there is no reason to try to maintain a relationship with your EXs friends.  I don't like it when the EXs of my friends try to stay connected to me.  

Just ease back.  There is no need to be rude or dramatic but do disconnect.  

[Taramere]

On 9/12/2021 at 8:03 PM, TobiasPelagiad said:

But despite how nice it is to have this friend group, I’m starting to question myself if I’m doing the right thing. I genuinely do like her friends, and my life would be a more boring place without them, but I sometimes think that my keeping in contact with my ex and her friends is holding me back from moving on. I live in fear for the moment when she meets someone else and introduces them to her friends…and I’m still there. It feels almost unsustainable, not just for me but for her: how weird will it be for her when she’s introducing her new boyfriend to her friends, and she has to go “…and this is Tobias, my ex”.

 

An old friend of mine and her husband would often invite her former fiance to parties they hosted - including small, intimate ones.  He attended happily and got on like a house on fire with her husband.  My own mother was sorely disappointed when she went to the US some years ago, and the widow of her ex fiance (my mother's ex fiance before she met my dad) was too ill to meet up.   

Obviously if your ex and her friends form the core of your social life then it might be difficult to move on...but if you get on well with them all, and they are as you say enhancing your life, it seems a pity to disengage from them completely.  It's bound to be a bit weird here and there, but life is weird!  So long as the weirdness doesn't become toxic drama that's regularly keeping you awake at night obviously.

[TobiasPelagiad]

On 9/13/2021 at 6:30 PM, glows said:

Start with a thought and an interest. What are you interested in? For example, I like food and I'm a morning person. I joined a local brunch club that meets weekly for brunch.

Or, a sport. I like kayaking. I am part of a couple of kayaking groups that hold swap meets, events and coordinate trips.

You can work with what you like. Start simple and move your way researching and exploring local groups in your area. You can try something out and then also decide later whether it's for you, if it's a new interest (something you've not tried before). I went with existing interests first because of course that's what I know makes me happy already. I'm exploratory by nature so this was/is great fun for me. Good luck with this. I think you'll have a ball. You just have to do it and see what works for you. 

 

On 9/13/2021 at 6:48 PM, d0nnivain said:

I'm a firm believer that broken up means apart on all levels.  You keep your friends.  They keep their friends.  You can be civil when you see these other people out & about but there is no reason to try to maintain a relationship with your EXs friends.  I don't like it when the EXs of my friends try to stay connected to me.  

Just ease back.  There is no need to be rude or dramatic but do disconnect.  

 

On 9/14/2021 at 9:19 PM, Taramere said:

An old friend of mine and her husband would often invite her former fiance to parties they hosted - including small, intimate ones.  He attended happily and got on like a house on fire with her husband.  My own mother was sorely disappointed when she went to the US some years ago, and the widow of her ex fiance (my mother's ex fiance before she met my dad) was too ill to meet up.   

Obviously if your ex and her friends form the core of your social life then it might be difficult to move on...but if you get on well with them all, and they are as you say enhancing your life, it seems a pity to disengage from them completely.  It's bound to be a bit weird here and there, but life is weird!  So long as the weirdness doesn't become toxic drama that's regularly keeping you awake at night obviously.

Thank you for all your replies! Apologies, but after I posted about this I took a bit of a downer out of embarrassment, sadness and generally feeling a bit lost, hence the late reply. I have been finding my mood to be up and down recently, post-relationship. It's been 4 months since we broke up, and because I'm new to this, I'm not sure if that's a reasonable time to still be in mourning over the end of relationship, or whether I should be out of it now and back on the dating scene (our relationship had been over 3 years when it ended). I'm a little embarrassed to say that despite being in my late 30s, that was first ever relationship, so I don't really know the rules, timeframes or expectations from this kind of thing. I don't even know if 3 years counts as a long term relationship or not. All I know is I miss her terribly, still.

I'm trying to distance myself a bit from her without completely cutting off her and her friends. As I've mentioned, I do get on with them and they've all been my main social group for past few years, and I am still accepted within their group, but by the same token it means I feel like I'm stretching out the end of the relationship, as if by still being in contact it's almost as if we're still together, sort of. 

I'm trying to branch out more. I've organised a coffee with a mutual female friend (not a date, I should stress) who knows both me and my ex on an equal level. It will be nice to finally chat with someone about it, because up till now I've not really had many folk to talk to since the break up. I do have friends, but I've got this weird block where I don't feel comfortable opening up to them about deep stuff, so I tend to deflect or change the subject to try and keep the chat light, despite desperately wanting to talk about it. It's kind of why I turned to this message board just to at least get some of it off my chest, even if I don't know anybody here (and again thank you to those who have replied, or even read this ) . So I'm looking forward to meeting this mutual friend just to be able to finally talk in person to someone who understands and knows both of us. I've also been looking at going to fitness class and walking clubs, just to get out there and meet people. 

I'm still not over her, though. I'd cancel everything else if my ex offered to meet up for a coffee. Which I know isn't a good thing, but I guess it's just hard to switch it off. 

Sorry, the above are just some half-formed thoughts of mine. 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by TobiasPelagiad

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, TobiasPelagiad said:

It's been 4 months since we broke up, and because I'm new to this, I'm not sure if that's a reasonable time to still be in mourning over the end of relationship, or whether I should be out of it now

 

21 hours ago, TobiasPelagiad said:

I'm trying to distance myself a bit from her without completely cutting off her and her friends.

The bolded has a lot to do with why you're stuck. 

4 months is not long to still be grieving a relationship, but you're absolutely making it worse for yourself by keeping in touch with her and her people. It's going to take a lot longer than necessary to move on. 

[glows]

On 10/11/2021 at 11:16 AM, TobiasPelagiad said:

 

 

Thank you for all your replies! Apologies, but after I posted about this I took a bit of a downer out of embarrassment, sadness and generally feeling a bit lost, hence the late reply. I have been finding my mood to be up and down recently, post-relationship. It's been 4 months since we broke up, and because I'm new to this, I'm not sure if that's a reasonable time to still be in mourning over the end of relationship, or whether I should be out of it now and back on the dating scene (our relationship had been over 3 years when it ended). I'm a little embarrassed to say that despite being in my late 30s, that was first ever relationship, so I don't really know the rules, timeframes or expectations from this kind of thing. I don't even know if 3 years counts as a long term relationship or not. All I know is I miss her terribly, still.

I'm trying to distance myself a bit from her without completely cutting off her and her friends. As I've mentioned, I do get on with them and they've all been my main social group for past few years, and I am still accepted within their group, but by the same token it means I feel like I'm stretching out the end of the relationship, as if by still being in contact it's almost as if we're still together, sort of. 

I'm trying to branch out more. I've organised a coffee with a mutual female friend (not a date, I should stress) who knows both me and my ex on an equal level. It will be nice to finally chat with someone about it, because up till now I've not really had many folk to talk to since the break up. I do have friends, but I've got this weird block where I don't feel comfortable opening up to them about deep stuff, so I tend to deflect or change the subject to try and keep the chat light, despite desperately wanting to talk about it. It's kind of why I turned to this message board just to at least get some of it off my chest, even if I don't know anybody here (and again thank you to those who have replied, or even read this ) . So I'm looking forward to meeting this mutual friend just to be able to finally talk in person to someone who understands and knows both of us. I've also been looking at going to fitness class and walking clubs, just to get out there and meet people. 

I'm still not over her, though. I'd cancel everything else if my ex offered to meet up for a coffee. Which I know isn't a good thing, but I guess it's just hard to switch it off. 

Sorry, the above are just some half-formed thoughts of mine. 

 

Good for you for recognizing those low periods and taking it in stride. I don't recommend meeting up with mutual friends to talk about a break up. It's in poor taste overall and might come across as info-seeking (as in seeking more info on your ex or plying for information and spying). Don't be afraid to meet new people and spend time not talking about the break up and engaging in other activities. I found journaling helped a lot.